It was the most perplexing thing I think I had ever seen, but it was indeed happening right in front of my eyes. Naturally, I could just barely keep my eyes on the principles in the drama while being distracted by the delectable Miss Bingley. Now, there was a woman! Mad as a bag of ferrets! Mean as a bucket of snakes! Hopping, spitting furious, ready to kill someone! Anne plunked her down right next to me without a thought for my safety. Evil woman!
I managed to keep half my attention on the beauty, which fortunately did not actually require conversing with her since she looked at me with less favor than I would my groom if he replaced my steed with a ten year old donkey, but she certainly had my attention.
The rest of my attention was engaged in trying my best to work out what the blazes was going on with the other loggerheads in the room. I mean, it was obvious something very strange was going on.
First off, I had laboriously worked out that Miss Elizabeth was in love with Charles Bingley, which probably meant Darcy had made a play for the elder and more classically beautiful Miss Bennet. It only made sense. So why the blazes was he being so nice to Miss Elizabeth? More curiously, when Bingley came in, Miss Elizabeth started trying to pawn him off on her sister. It was most perplexing. Had she transferred her affections to Darcy? That did not seem to be the case, but she had at least decided to be nice to him; which was a new development. Oh, she was never impolite, but she looked at him the same way the aforementioned Miss Bingley looked at me, if you catch my meaning. It took me several moments to work the puzzle out, being only able to devote a small percentage of my attention to the task, what with the ever distracting Miss Bingley sitting next to me.
Eventually, I had my EUREKA moment, although actually saying that aloud would have sounded silly, so I just shouted it silently. It all made sense. Everything was clear! This idea happened when I saw Bingley and Miss Bennet gradually thaw to each other under the careful guidance of Miss Elizabeth and Mrs. Gardiner (what a woman). The two could barely stand the sight of each other when they started, but within less than a half-hour, they were chatting amiably like lovers. Astounding! Hatred to amiability in half an hour! I was all astonishment! Either they were the two most tractable people under the King's authority (the King was mad so perhaps not the best grouping), or my new universal truth could be taken as scientific fact.
You wonder which truth I mean, well here it is.
** It does not matter which Bennet sister you get. Whichever one fate dumps on your lap will do just fine. You will be satisfied! **
Now, this may seem farfetched, and to tell the truth, I may be implying that I worked it out there in the parsonage watching Aunt Catherine do the oddest behavior of her life, but that would be overstating the case. I may never have figured it out at all, except the door slammed open, tearing the bell right off its mount, and was then slammed closed after letting in a most disagreeable gust of wind.
The next thing I knew, the parlor door opened as well and the tallest man I had ever seen ran into the parlor shouting at the top of his lungs, which I will tell you right here and now was sufficient for the task… if the task was to scare everyone in the room into panic, accompanied by senseless and counterproductive activities.
"The Wind! The Trees! The Wind! It is… It is… It is… The Trees!"
Those were the most sensible words he spoke, but fortunately he gave up on words and substituted action… good man! I always prefer action. My experience in life indicates nine times out of ten words will get you killed, where action… well, that is likely enough to get you killed as well, but at least it was less dull.
The giant ran across the room, directly to the head of the table where Anne and her mother were sitting together, her mother eyeballing every couple and probably planning their lives in minute detail, while Anne sat like a snake, just waiting to strike.
The mysterious giant was apparently not a man to stand overly on ceremony, as he simply reached down, grabbed both ladies around their waists, yanked them out of the chairs and dove to the side just as an enormous branch crashed through the window and smashed the chairs they had been sitting in to bits. I have to say, I liked this boy; although he could well have been more selective in his benevolence.
Being battle hardened, trained, tested, refined and manly, I did the exact thing my years of training had prepared me for. I sat in my chair, frozen in fear trying to make certain no embarrassing details about the condition of my trousers might become a topic of discussion.
Naturally, this afforded me the opportunity to observe the rest of the group at my leisure. Well, it may not have been quite at my leisure, as the delectable Miss Bingley screamed like a wildcat slammed in a door and lit on fire, jumped directly in my lap, screamed again, wrapped her arms around my waist, curled her head into my chest… and went to sleep.
Naturally, my observations of the rest of the table may not have been as detailed as they might otherwise have been, what with the, er… distractions… but I do believe I may stand by what I saw.
The branch had come through the very edge of the window, and only the two chairs Anne and Aunt Catherine had occupied were truly in any danger, but it would have taken a strong man to recognize that. It would have taken a man with nerves of steel. It would have taken a woman of supernatural, preternatural abilities and calmness to assess the situation and arise gracefully to act in the most reasonable manner. In other words, it would take Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. The gentleman observed the state of the tree and the general lack of both comfort and danger immediately. He nodded to his wife who carefully put her spoon down, and then they got up to do what was necessary.
Unfortunately, both Darcy and Bingley were nowhere near that calm or that agile. I fully expected them each to be looking across the table to the other Bennet sister, or perhaps to their own family members being sitting on the lap of the giant and the lap of the mad Colonel respectively; but both of them paid attention only to the lady sitting beside them. It was almost as if they could not give two figs about the rest of the inhabitants of the room. Darcy and Bingley both pushed back from the table, and both simultaneously set about gallantly caring for the ladies at their sides, which naturally had both learning the intrigues of the ad-hoc nature of Mrs. Collins arrangements and the general awkwardness of chairs chosen by my aunt. This action meant both noddies fell over backwards flat on their backs with the wind knocked out of them, gasping for breath and mostly unable to move or even think.
While they did this, both ladies managed to calmly get up from the table, without falling over I might add. They both looked down upon the respective gentlemen who were apparently assigned to them by either fate or proximity, and I could see them both getting ready to very demurely assist the gentlemen to their feet, or at the very least nod sympathetically and say soothing words. Impressive!
Both Bennet sisters were perfectly calm and collected, and both could tell as well as the Gardiners that they were in no particular danger aside from the embarrassment of the two lying on the floor, and to tell the truth I would have to classify that more as entertainment than embarrassment. In fact, both ladies continued this entirely sensible operation right up to the very moment when Mr. Gardiner put his hand on the small of Miss Elizabeth's back and pushed her over, sending her tumbling flat out, arms akimbo directly onto the top of the hapless Darcy.
I thought that was a decidedly unusual strategy for an uncle, and was then most astounded when Mrs. Gardiner did the same thing for the eldest Miss Bennet, who landed with her… er… well, let's just say she was directly on top of Bingley as well.
Mr. And Mrs. Gardiner then looked down at their probably compromised nieces, actually winked at each other, and then went around to assist Anne and Lady Catherine, although they refrained from pushing either of those ladies onto the floor.
I naturally was concerned about the state of my comrades in arms, and looked around the hellcat that was asleep in my lap to check on their status. I can tell you, there is not a man in Kent any less amenable to the Parson's Mousetrap than Darcy, and from what I knew of Bingley, he ran from women every week like the plague. No sir, there were no two men in England less amenable to the leg‑shackles. Boy were they going to be hopping, spitting mad when they got up. It might be useful to compare their demeanor with Caroline's (EGADS! Caroline's… was she still on my lap?), when they managed to extricate themselves, which should be easy enough for two stout men.
It was quite obvious to me that the Gardiners were malevolent dark-hearted souls, as ready to destroy a man as look at him… and they had me so fooled. I looked over, and it was quite obvious both Darcy and Bingley had the wind knocked out of them, as they were not able to make even the slightest effort to escape the compromise. In fact, they weren't moving or struggling at all. I began to wonder if the Gardiners had managed to kill them.
I wondered if the ladies might eventually lend them a hand, or at least get off the top of them since it was clearly all a misunderstanding, but was rather surprised at the ineffectual way both ladies were working at the task of getting loose. Even a gull like me could readily tell you that there was very little benefit in the task of climbing to your feet, in putting your hand through the hair of the man you were laying on, and neither of them were looking around or paying the slightest attention to the surroundings and trying to get up. In fact, it looked like they were…wait!,,,
Well, I will not stain any reputations by continuing this seditious tale. I will not tell you they were kissing the gentlemen hard enough to remove a lung. I will not tell you that the gentlemen were employing the worst strategy for gaining their feet in history, since grabbing the woman on top of you around the waist was clearly counterproductive… unless of course they were planning to crush her spine and toss their lifeless body out of the way. No, I will not tell you that it must have taken several minutes for either lunkhead to gain his feet. In fact, I will entirely refrain from telling you that once they finally did manage to get back to their feet, nothing except their orientation changed, as they were, as far as I could tell, still grabbing their respective Bennet girls around the waist and kissing them one more time, at length and in detail. If they were going to do that, they may as well have stayed on the ground.
Eventually, my own little hellcat woke up on my lap, and I can tell you she thrashed me within an inch of my life. I assure you, Miss Bingley was very passionate in her anger. Very passionate indeed! Claws were extended. Entrails were removed. Reputations were ruined. Words that would make a drunken sailor or Major General run and hide were said. Good God I loved that woman.
I watched the two other unattached men in the room, and I saw that they were resigned to their fate. Both had been saddled with a Random Bennet Sister, but I was having a very difficult time finding any censure in their situation, so that was when I worked out my theory.
My great theory was that for any man of sense and education, or even Bingley, it did not matter which Bennet sister happened to fall on you. Once you were flat on your back and the sister was on you, your fate was sealed, but you were peculiarly unconcerned as you would fall in love with her soon enough, and all would be well. Based on my experience in the parsonage, I presumed the falling in love part took around the same amount of time as the getting to your feet part; or perhaps a little less. I wondered if it would work for me as I moved my foot up to the edge of the table and shoved my chair over backwards to the floor.
~~Finis~~
A/N: There's still an epilogue, but that's the end of the main story. I hope you enjoyed it in all its craziness. I'll put a bigger note on the epilogue.
Wade