Chapter 1: The Spirit World

She stirred, groaning as she fought to keep her eyes closed, yet something was pulling her, telling her to open them.

When she had first awoken many weeks ago, she was near frightened to find herself in the Spirit World. There had been a giant panda looming over her – whose name she had discovered to be Hei Bai. There was a feeling within her that she had met him before and perhaps he was in another form, yet the memory slipped away, warm and gentle until Hei Bai's face became a new stranger.

"Have I… Have I died?" she whispered, but Hei Bai shook his monstrous head and so she laid back onto the soft grass, sighing in relief. Her arms stretched towards the sky, her fingertips wiggling towards the soft orange and pink sunlight of the spirit world. She could hear the trees rustling, the spirits humming and running and flying and the water was flowing and Hei Bai was breathing, deep and low in his throat but it was even, steady, a deep beat of a drum…

A drum.

It reminded her, reminded her of something, of somewhere and she thought of the color blue…blue, but that memory too left her and so she rolled to her side, her eyes meeting Hei Bai's.

"Will I stay here forever?" she whispered. In truth, it had only been a couple weeks but the longer she stayed, the less she could remember the whys and the hows and it all slipped into a painless blur. Sometimes when she closed her eyes she could pretend she was sleeping and remnants of dreams would envelop her, raining with images of faces or moments of voices or even feelings and emotions and they all reminded her, showed her something that she was beginning to forget and it scared her, sent her heart pounding when the nights came.

Is this what the spirit world does? Does it take your mind and twist it, coating your memories with thick sap so that the forgetting seems sweet and painless? Did he ever experience this?

Did he…

Did who?

Hei Bai did not respond, but he lowered his massive head until his nose touched her in between the eyes. She smiled, her hands running up through his thick fur and once more; the anxiety was gone. She rolled onto her stomach, her chin resting on her arm as she twirled grass around her forefinger. It was peaceful here, that she could not doubt. She had heard stories, so many of them, that told of the dark beasts that prowled the forests at night and the angry spirits that did not want mortals in their home and the spirit that stole faces and expressions, but she had come across none such as these. Perhaps it was Hei Bai protecting her, perhaps she was just good with spirits, or maybe it was her gift as a…

Wait.

As a what?

She sighed deeply, her mind turning over and over any possible word she could have been looking for, for there truly was some gift she possessed. There was something that was a part of her, that was special, yet nothing came to her mind. It was blank and it was fuzzy, but it was so warm here…The breezes, the nights, the ground, even the water…

Water. There was something about water that resonated within her and she pushed herself more, begging her subconscious to remember anything at all. But it was just water, and if it were a memory, it had already left.

She sighed into her arms, letting the piece of grass fall from her fingers to the ground. Hei Bai was watching her, she could feel it, but she closed her eyes and let herself drift.

There was a girl on the ground; she was watching as this girl was laughing, screaming, her fingertips trembling as she convulsed, the lightning seemingly spurting out of her in her madness and craze. How could lightning come out of someone? In what world was that possible? Her golden eyes were wide and fierce, strands of black hair falling across her face as she rolled over, standing in a courtyard, but they were not alone. There was a young man there, too, but a shock of black hair hid his face from his view, but it looked like he had a…Was he getting farther away? She turned back to the girl on the ground who was crawling towards her, her shoulders heaving in her maniacal laughs that sounded more like sobs, and she tried to turn and run. She had to run! But the ground was stuck, it was stuck and her feet were moving but she was going nowhere and how could this be? How could this be possible? She was reaching out to the boy, but she could not near him and she wanted so badly to cry out to him, to tell him to turn so she could see his face. The girl behind her was screaming now, shrieking in mad echoes that shook their world and she kept crawling, crying,

"You will lose! You will lose. You will always lose."

Her eyes widened in fear as the girl came steadily closer, her warnings drowning out the beating of her heart.

"No!" she wanted to scream. She wanted it so badly it near hurt, and maybe if she…She closed her eyes, willing him to be near and when she re-opened them, he was standing in front of her. His eyes were wide with terror and pain and she looked down, whispering, "No…no…no…" over and over again as she stared at her arm, which was planted firmly inside his chest, her hand squeezing his heart.

"You will lose! You will lose. You will always lose."

She cried as the girl taunted her and she tried to pull back, but her hand would not let go and she felt her fear, her madness, her instability rising, the anxiety flooding her veins as she looked this man in the eyes. So golden, so wide – but didn't she hate those eyes? There was a heat inside of her, electric and near-painful and tears began streaming down her cheeks and she shook her head, apologizing to this young man in front of her because she could not control it.

"Fight it," he pleaded. "Azula always lies."

"Bye-bye, Zuzu," was all she heard behind her as her hand around his heart erupted into a ball of lightning. The blue and white streaks of electricity lit up his entire body and he was bleeding, gushing deep pools of red that puddled at their feet and it was slippery, so slippery but the lightning didn't stop, it crackled from her fingertips and he wailed, screamed, convulsing and shuddering as the pure energy of her lightning pushed his hair back and she saw it, she saw it, that scar. It was there, red and angry and rugged but now it didn't seem so menacing, it almost seemed vulnerable and she struggled to remember why she feared it in the first place.

His eyes were so golden, she remembered, golden and conflicted, and they began closing.

She bolted upright, panting and heavy and clutching at her dress. Sweat had beaded on her skin, her braid damp at the nape of her neck. Her eyes were red and puffy and, had I been crying?, but then Hei Bai was next to her, nuzzling her with his muzzle. She let herself sink into him, her trembling lessening as she buried her face into his neck.

"What is happening to me, Hei Bai?" she murmured. And if it were possible, she knew she would stay with him forever. There was another world came from, she knew, but even that now was only a distant feeling of nostalgia, not even a picture memory. Was there harm in being at peace with loss? Was it wrong of her to not notice the forgetting? Hei Bai snorted, almost as if in response, and she shuddered, thinking to her dream.

That boy with the scar, he had felt so familiar, but almost dastardly so. There was something about him, something about that scar that pulled at her, making her feel like she should be somewhere else.

But she had killed him.

She had held his heart in her fingers, felt the rapid pounding it made against her skin and it terrified her, but it was also exhilarating.

She stood, smoothing out the creases on her dress where she had grasped at it in her fitful sleep. She began wandering; where to, she was not entirely sure. There were small pathways that wound throughout the massive forest and thick veins swirled around nearly every trunk and branch and over onto the walkway. She paused for a moment looking around in awe.

No matter how many times I see this place, it always looks different than before.

Hei Bai nudged her in the back with his nose and she lurched forward, her facing drawing downward in confusion and she turned around.

"Hey-" she started, but the spirit beast pushed her again and she stumbled, throwing her hands up, exclaiming, "Alright, we'll keep walking."

In this way they walked for what seemed about an hour; she would pause and Hei Bai's large nose would poke itself into her back, forcing her forward. It was frustrating, really, but she kept her mouth shut. Spirits were never to be tested, she knew. She started falling behind Hei Bai when he slowed, wondering where he was leading her. A small jolt of anxiety seared through her stomach, but the great panda's touch eased her again.

He pushed through a wall of moss and vines, the veil of green parting to reveal a softly lit clearing. She froze mid-step, her eyes resting on a young man sitting in the lotus position on the floor. There was a blue tattoo of an arrow on his bald head and his eyes were wide and friendly as he grinned. He bounced up, throwing his fist into the air as he laughed and she stumbled back, looking to Hei Bai for an explanation.

"I finally found you!" he cried, spinning in circles. He was wearing the strangest robes, yellow and orange, and they were short and merely wrapped around his torso, baring some of his chest. Her eyes followed him intently, where he came to rest in front of her. He appeared to be in his late teens, yet he still had so much childish energy. She tensed up, her brows drawing together as he spoke on,

"I waited for you every day. I just knew I would find you soon! Everyone misses you so much, so I couldn't give u-"

"Who are you?"

Her voice seemed to hang in the air around them and the strange boy dropped his arms, his smile fading.

"What do you mean, who am I?" he asked, tilting his head. "It's me, Aang."

She looked over to him slowly, her eyes darting between his. He reached out for her and she stepped back, her gaze narrowing. She reached out for Hei Bai, but the beast was suddenly at the boy's side. She shook her head at him, the unsure feeling within her turning to frustration.

What the hell is going-

"I came here to bring you back, Katara," he said.

Katara…Katara. Is that my name?

"What makes you think I need to be brought back?" she darted back. She chastised herself silently. Way to go and sound like a fool.

The boy scratched behind his ear, looking around.

"Well…" he began, leaning forward turning his eye on her in a scrutinizing gaze, "are you sure you're Katara? You're acting so odd."

She threw her arms out, snapping, "How am I supposed to know? You barged in here on me!"

"I'm trying to save you!"

"I don't need your help! I happen to like it here." She spun away from him, folding her arms angrily.

"I guess you're not acting as different as I thought. But…now that I'm looking at you," he started, an eyebrow raising, "you do look exactly the same as the last time I saw you."

"What does that mean?" she countered, whirling back around to face him, her braid nearly whipping her cheek. The bald boy scratched his head again.

"I mean, you just look like you haven't aged…"

She lifted an eyebrow, saying flatly, "And that's a bad thing?"

Hei Bai grunted, cocking his massive head. She tilted her own head at him questioningly.

"He wants you to come back," the young man said. "I think it's time you came back."

"It's…Aang?"

He smiled strangely then, but he nodded, reaching out for her hand. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she stepped back, her muscles tensing up.

"You can trust me," he said brightly.

Maybe…just maybe, I could, but should you trust me?

But Hei Bai was nudging her now and she stumbled forward, her braid swinging against her back. She watched the boy in front of him – what is so familiar about that smile? – and he was still holding his hand out, his eyes earnest and bright. Her fingers grazed his gently and she focused hard on not trembling but then everything around her started turning dark. She tried to pull back, her heart rate rising, and the boy was whispering something, tightening his grip and she wasn't afraid of him, he was consoling her, giving her warmth but the darkness was coming and that was what terrified her. She blinked, trying to force the blackness back but she slipped into it, floating away into nothing, and then the boy was gone.

"Try it!"

She raised an eyebrow at the bowl he was holding under her nose. Her brother's eyes were wide and crystalline, flecks of deep blue and gold swimming in his irises and his mouth was near lolling open in a loose grin. She looked back down to the bowl, where soft lumps drifted amidst a thick, purple-ish broth.

"Sea prunes?" she asked. Her brother jabbed his thumb to his chest.

"I made them!" he proclaimed. "First time, too, so you'd better feel special."

She tilted the bowl back, drinking deeply. She fought back a gag as the thick broth slowly slid down her throat – but it is so sweet how hard he tried! – and the sea prunes themselves seemed to be squirming in her mouth. She spluttered, suddenly overwhelmed by a yearning urge to cough, but it hurt, it hurt…She couldn't get it out, she couldn't, and the prunes were wriggling, slimy, hissing deep within her throat. She saw her brother recoil, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment and hurt.

She wanted to reach out to tell him it wasn't horrible, that there was just something wrong but he snatched the bowl away from her shaking hands, tears welling up in his blue eyes and they were so blue –

Were they always that blue?

But the soup…the sea prunes, they were faces! They were not prunes, they were people. But where had she seen them before? A bald boy, a girl with white and red paint on her face, an old smiling man; they were all floating in the broth, staring up at her with wide smiles… But she did not know them, had never seen them but there was something…something fami-

Wrong.

Something wrong!

There was water now, spewing from her mouth and she coughed, doubling over, but it was suddenly gushing, piling up in her throat and she choked and heaved and started to cry, her hands trembling as she fell to her knees, wiping at her mouth. Her brother did not seem to notice, for he was backing away, shaking his head in hurt.

"Why didn't you like them?" he whispered. "Why didn't you like them, Katara? Why?"

But his voice was distorted, demon-like. She blinked up at him through weary, tearful eyes as she convulsed on the ground, another wave of water spurting over her furs. She could not breathe, she could not! Everything was blurry and it hurt, it hurt so much, and she was so young, she was only seven! So young, she could not die, not before she started her training with Gran-Gran!

She watched the bowl tip in her brother's hands. She crawled forward, internally screaming that she could not tell him, "No! The people! You will kill them if they fall!" but only water spilled from her mouth and she remained wordless.

"Why don't you like them?" he cried, his hands tipping the bowl over.

No, don't kill them…don't kill them! You can't kill them!

"You will always lose!" he screamed suddenly, and his voice changed, it became hers – the girl with the golden eyes and the dark hair. Her brother's face seemed to melt down, his eyes turning yellow, like her yellow and he raised his arm, screaming as he threw the bowl of faces into the snow.

No! No….

They were dead, she knew it.

Damn him! Damn her.

But the water was rising again, spilling from her eyes, her nose, her ears, her mouth…and she gagged, tears streaming down her face.

"Are you happy now?" that girl snarled through her brother's mouth. "You left them, you killed them. You will always lose!"

There was a pain in her chest; looking down, she saw a hole burned into her chest, a deep red scar circling her heart. She ripped at her skin, fighting back the floods of water but they spewed from her mouth and she collapsed, convulsing on the ground, her eyes fluttering wildly until she couldn't open them anymore.

This is it. Bless me with darkness at last.