"My, my, my, look what the Chocobo dragged in." said a comely woman with her hair done in the style of a geisha and donning a fur-trimmed dress that exposed her ample cleavage and a long skirt made entirely of belts that showed a bit of her garters.
"Hey, Dad," said a boy wearing what looked like random scraps of purple plastic loosely stapled together.
After a brief moment, their faces twitched into smiles and tears filled their eyes as they both leapt at Kimahri to hug him.
"Lulu, Vidina, I'm so glad to see you again."
Rosemary was touched by this display of affection. She wished that Adrian would love her just as much.
Everyone else, however, was in culture shock of the native Spirans' fashion sense.
"Good Satan, you all look like prostitutes in a Taiwanese landfill!" shouted Minne Castavets.
Lulu's face scrunched from happiness to one of anger.
"Hey, and I just realized something," said Anthony LaVey, "you're human beings! I was expecting you guys to be aliens like Kimahri!"
"Hey, Kimahri, who are these people?" said Lulu contemptously.
Kimahri introduced each of the tenants of Bramford to his family. He had trouble remembering the Japanese guy's name and the man was too offended and embarrassed to tell them what his name actually was so everybody continued to call him 'Japanese Guy' until they realized that it felt kind of weird to call him that when they already had a guy named 'Guy' with them so they opted to call him 'Japanese Person'.
Eventually, Kimahri got to the son he sired on Earth, "And this is my new son, Adrian. This is his mother, Rosemary, and-"
"YOU HAD A SON WHILE YOU WERE GONE?! YOU UNBELIEVABLE SON OF A SHOOPUF!" Lulu's hand crackled with electricity as she prepared to cast Thundaga on Rosemary and her son. Rosemary screamed and dropped to the floor, shielding Adrian from the woman's wrath.
"Calm down, dear!" Kimahri shouted frantically to get Lulu to calm down, "I needed to impregnate a human so she could bear a child that could fix my ship! There was no other way I was going to get back to Spira!"
"PLEASE LISTEN TO HIM!" Rosemary spoke in rapid desperation, "I THOUGHT HE WAS THE DEVIL AND I HAD TO GO THROUGH A LOT OF STRESS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH ADRIAN! I WAS DRUGGED AS PART OF A SATANIC RITUAL WHEN HE IMPREGNATED ME, TOO! JUST, PLEASE, DON'T ELECTROCUTE ME!"
The lightning in Lulu's hand fizzled out, "Who are you, anyway?"
"My name is Rosemary," she said on the verge of tears, "it's very nice to meet you and all. I just wish we didn't have to meet like this."
Lulu's expression turned from anger to pity, "I'm sorry that I almost killed you." Lulu then turned her attention to Kimahri. "A satanic ritual, really?"
Kimahri explained, "It's not like I was going to be able to pick up chicks as a giant blue unicorn-lion, honey."
"And it took you ten years to impregnate a girl? What's wrong with you, you lazy sperm?"
"She wasn't the first girl I tried to knock up. Plus, I had to kill all of the previous candidates for my impregnation rites so they wouldn't go blabbering to other people about a giant blue demon trying to have sex with them and then the Earth Feds would have abducted me and I would have been spending the rest of my life in Area 51. You know how hard it is to kill someone and make it look like an accident? The mob makes it look easy! So just give me a break, okay?"
"Hey, I just thought of something," said Guy, "how did I get that part in the play if you don't have Satanic powers?"
"Well," Kimahri began, "I can, actually, use magic; blue magic, that is. It's different from youze guys' conception of magick but I used it to cast my last Blindga spell on that other guy. After that, there were no further tricks I had to use because you were already very talented. It's just that you were too much of a spineless nebbish to compete against anybody with talent comparable to yours."
When introductions were finished, Komahri spoke again, "Okay, now that that's out of the way, we should hurry over to Shinra's skyscraper and talk to him. Honey, could you please call ahead to Shinra, Inc?"
"You might want to wait until tomorrow, the parade for the 20th anniversary of the Eternal Calm just started and Shinra always gets a high volume of calls on this day." said Lulu.
"Rats!" shouted Kimahri, "That parade takes hours to get done and it's going to be a pain in the neck to get over there now. Oh, well. Come on guys, let's skidaddle on out of here, anyway."
Since Lulu didn't have a reason to call Shinra's headquarters anymore, she and Vivian decided to tag along with Kimahri and the Bramford tenants. They stepped out the door of Khimari's house and took in the vivid splendor of the elaborate, artistic landscaping of the surrounding suburbs and the lush vegetation that was carefully cultivated to coexist and compliment the houses that looked so far ahead of Rosemary's time but still had a sense of history subtly etched into them that gave them an 'old world' charm.
"Ah, Belleville, it's been so long since I've stepped foot outside my house and took in your delights!" Khimari said cornily.
"Great smokes! What the heck is that?!" Dr. Sapirstein shouted, terror filling his voice.
A huge, demonic-looking animal tied to a fencepost in a neighboring yard barked loudly at the bramford tenants.
"Oh, hush up, Ralph, I don't want to play!" Khimari shouted at the beast before turning to the others, "that's just my neighbor, Wantz', pet bandersnatch. That mutt keeps the town up at night with its incessant barking. The thing is, however, if you take good care of them: they can live about 60 years and don't start looking old until they're past 57 so they will always have the same energy they've had since they were immaculately conceived by the collective envy of their pyreflies while you get arthritis and osteoporosis and they will never stop looking for an opportunity to jump on you and pin you to the ground because they never realize that you're not 20 years old anymore. I almost want to go back to Earth again to get away from that damn thing."
"Honey," said Lulu, leaning in closer to him so he could hear her more clearly, "that's not Ralph. Wantz got a new bandersnatch named Don. Actually, that's the fourth new one he's bought since you left. One night, I got completely fed up with Ralph's barking so I killed it with my Blizzaga spell, making sure to cast it during an actual blizzard to keep suspicion off of me. I felt bad when Wantz found that his dog died because he was quite distraught and kept bursting into tears for a good month. But then he just bought a new bandersnatch that had an even worse bark so I killed that one about a year later and he did the exact same thing and this kept going on and on up until now."
"That's kind of a bitchy thing to do." said Rosemary.
"Yeah, well, you'd understand if you had to put up with it for this long," said Lulu.
Guy decided to pipe in, "So why haven't you killed that dog yet? This Wantz fellow doesn't seem to be around right now, right?"
"I would," Lulu said, "but what would that solve? He'd just buy another bandersnatch and things wouldn't change."
"Might I make a suggestion?" Roman Castevet said, "why not burn his house down after you kill his dog again, that should surely give him the message that you don't tolerate pets who make a public nuisance."
"Hmm," Lulu pondered this for a moment, "perhaps you're right. I could cast a Firaga spell right now; it's probably the only way he'll get the message. Okay, here goes nothing."
"Ah, before you do that," said Minnie, "doesn't your child also know magic? He ought to help you here."
"Of course," Lulu exclaimed, "an opportunity for him to demonstrate what I taught him! Okay, Vinnie, help your mom out by casting a Fira spell on Mr. Wantz' bandersnatch, just like I taught you."
"Okay," said Vivian as his hand crackled with fire like a sparkler from Hell.
Lulu's own hand was then engulfed in flame and dwarfed her son's power in sheer intensity by tenfold. Rosemary could feel the convection coming from this witch's hand.
"FIRA!" Vinnie yelled, his voice cracking, as he awkwardly waved his hand and the fearsome bandersnatch spontaneously combusted, keeling over and disintegrating into a pile of fine ash.
"FIRAGA!" Lulu shouted with a voice that was experienced and authoritative and raised her hand to the sky in a commanding gesture. A towering conflagration arose from Wantz' house but it was followed by an explosion that intensified it a hundredfold into a plume of fire that rose to the height of the Chrysler Building. Thankfully, however, it did not creep beyond the foundation of Wantz' house so everybody else's houses and yards were okay.
"Look, Mommy, a terrifying inferno the likes of which God has never seen!" said Adrian.
Rosemary screamed and shielded Adrian's eyes from the frightening scene, "Oh my God! Somebody call the Fire Department!"
"I am the Fire Department!" Lulu shouted as her hand dripped with water as though it had Bartholin's glands in it and was getting ready to give the greatest hand job of all time, "WATERGA! WATERGA! GAMERGA! WATERGA!"
And four gigantic orbs of water splashed upon the plume of fire coming from the remains of Wantz house. They briefly seemed to quell the fire only for the gigantic plume of fire to rise again.
"Holy Satan!" exclaimed Anton LaVey, "why didn't the fires get extinguished?!"
"Of course!" Lulu shouted, bonking her own head with the palm of her heel, "I completely forgot that you don't fight fire with water: you fight fire with ice because they're elementarily opposed to each other!"
Lulu cleared her throat and took a deep gasp into her diaphragm. She threw her hand up in the air, the force of this gesture making her breasts bounce and the purple pearl necklace she wore jumped like an acrobat jumping on a trampoline as a result of the physical domino effect that the motion of her boobs made. She spoke her incantations in a voice that made Rosemary quiver in awe:
"BLIZZAGA BLIZZAGA BLIZZAGA BLAZINGA!"
And four balls of ice spontaneously formed on the remains of the house, rendering the threat completely moot. Khimari took the opportunity to shut off Wantz' gas valves and the propane peril was no more.
"Quickly!" said Anton LaVey, "better get rid of that ice before Wantz comes back."
"I'm already on it," said Lulu, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
And three bursts of fire appeared to melt three of the ice caps while the fourth one melted because of the convection from the other fire spells and also it was a pretty sultry day. However, The ice caps melted into puddles of water that flooded what was left of Wantz' basement so she used a thundara spell to disintegrate the water. There was no longer any incriminating evidence left that this house fell victim to an act of arson.
"We should get out of here before Wantz arrives!" said Guy.
"Good thinking," said Khimari, "come on, we ought to get over to Shinra's office before it's lunchtime!"
But then Wantz showed up wearing yellow overalls without a shirt, "OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE?!"
"Wantz, you left your oven on again. I had to extinguish it for you. I'm sorry to say Don is gone as well." said Lulu.
Wantz bellyflopped onto the pavement and blubbered inarticulately, mourning the loss of his bandersnatch.
Rosemary walked up to Wantz and lay her hand on his shoulder, "I'm sorry, Mr. Wantz, we did what we could." knowing that she had to lie to avoid getting herself and her acquaintances thrown in prison and her son taken by the planet's child protection services gnawed at her heart like a toothless cheetah gnawing at a chunk of a springbok's liver before she even opened her mouth. She didn't ask to be impregnated by an alien that she hallucinated as a demon, nor did she ask to be taken to a strange planet (except that she did but she had nothing better to do, so whatever), and she didn't ask to witness this poor man break down at the sight of his house disappearing; she was hoping to be long gone before he even showed up.
"Well, whatever, let's go anyway." said Roman.
And so they left on their merry way to Shinra's office. They had a vague idea of knowing that there was a parade going on in Bevelle's downtown area but they had no idea how bad it was going to be.