Chapter 6

Once Edward had left, I headed back to my apartment. He said I could stay, but I just didn't feel right. Honestly, I was terrified for Ness. Even though I hadn't known her for long, I really liked her. She was smart, funny, and of course, loved my books. Whenever I visited her, I always left happy — even in the last few weeks when she wasn't doing well.

I just . . . hadn't thought of her dying. Not really, at least.

I imagined a life for her outside of the walls of the hospital. I imagined her finally being able to live her own story — a better one than I or anyone else could ever write. I imagined her having a bright future, living the dreams she talked to me about.

Going to college.

Falling in love.

Having a beautiful life.

But now, I realized how unlikely that was. I realized her story could very possibly end here. Tonight. It broke my heart and made me wish the fairytales that she loved were true. Because if they were, she'd have everything she deserved.

I stayed by my phone through the evening, waiting for Edward to call or text. Hours passed and I heard nothing. I didn't find solace in writing, like I usually did. I had a dreaded feeling, and nothing would make that go away until Edward called. Or, he'd call and that dreaded feeling would be real.

It wasn't until almost midnight that my phone finally rang. I quickly grabbed it from beside me — where I'd finally placed it after pacing the floors of my apartment over and over. I answered fearfully, knowing what he'd probably say.

"Edward, what's going on?" I asked. "Is she okay?"

"No," he said softly. "I took her into surgery. I knew it wouldn't work. I knew it, but . . . her parents wanted to try it. It was the only option."

The realization hit me right away, shattering my heart as tears filled my eyes. "She's gone."

"Yeah." His voice broke, and I could tell he was barely keeping it together. "I have paperwork, but I've got to get out of here. I need to see you."

"Come over," I cried. "I'm here. Come over."

And he did. Within twenty minutes, he was at my door. The look on his face . . . so broken, so devastated. There were no words I could say to make that heart-wrenching look go away, so once he stepped in and I closed the door, I just wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly.

"She died," he whispered, his voice cracking. "I couldn't . . . there was nothing . . . I tried everything. God, I tried."

"I know you did."

I tried to hold back the sobs that begged to be released. Ness, the young girl I'd grown so fond of, was gone. I had no right to be this devastated, but I was. She was so young. She was supposed to have her whole life ahead of her, but now that would never happen.

I gasped, choking back my tears as his arms held me just as tight as mine held him. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

We eventually managed to get into my bedroom. Few words were said as I laid on my back with his head on my chest, running my hand through his hair. The only constant sound was of our breathing and the traffic outside of my window. What could I say to comfort him?

You did all you could.

No, because how was that any kind of comfort? It was almost as if saying that he wasn't good enough.

She's in a better place.

I wanted to scoff at that. Each time someone had said that about my dad, I had a strong urge to punch them.

There just weren't any words. I knew words. I could fit the most perfect word into a scene, making it beautiful and heartfelt, but not now. Not here in real life. The only word adequate to describe this was sucks.

It sucked. It wasn't fair or right. It wasn't her time. If she could have just gotten a transplant, maybe she'd have gotten the chance to live the life she deserved. But she didn't. Because sometimes, the world sucked. It was a cold and hard place.

"I let her die," he said despondently.

"No."

He looked up at me with tears in his handsome green eyes. "I did. I let her go. She trusted me to save her, and I didn't."

"She was sick, Edward. There was nothing you or anyone else could do. You said before that operating on her could . . ." I didn't want to say the word.

"It killed her, like I said it would," he said harshly — so full of undeserved hate for himself.

"But that's not your fault."

His head laid back down on my chest as he sighed. "I know. Logically, I know it's not my fault. I've run through every single thing I did tonight — that I've done for her, period. There was nothing else. I just . . . I'm trying to figure out if maybe . . . Fuck, I don't know. She was important to me. I grew too close."

I had a strong feeling she wasn't the only patient he'd grown close to. It was the kind of person he was. Caring, compassionate, and loving. He opened his heart as if there was nothing to it. Some would probably say that was a flaw, but that was one of the things I liked so much about him.

He was a good, kindhearted man.

"She loved you," I said. "You weren't just another doctor to her. You were her friend."

His eyes met mine as he nodded. "And she was mine. I'm sorry, Bella. Every single time I've lost a patient it's affected me, but never this much. She was one of the first patients I got to assist on in the OR. Over the years, anytime she came in to the ER, I was paged. Even when I wasn't working peds. She was just . . . a constant, and now I can't believe that she's gone. I operated on her and called her time of death, but I still can't comprehend that I'll never talk to her again."

He cried after that and I let myself do just the same. The handsome man was crying, and that tore me to shreds. I wished there were something, anything I could do for him, but there wasn't.

So, I just let him cry.

. . . . .

"It's not at all my job to place IVs, but she always asked me to do hers," Edward said, laying on his side as I did the same, facing him. "She said I had the magical touch."

We'd been lying like this since he'd stopped crying about an hour ago. He was telling me stories about her — her quirks, their inside jokes, just anything he could think of. It seemed to be helping him. He'd even cracked his handsome smile once or twice.

"Because I'm sure you do," I said.

He shrugged. "Nurses are much better than I am, but I indulged her. I couldn't say no to her, you know? I mean, I did, but it made me feel like shit."

"What else?" I wanted him to continue because I was sure he'd fall apart again if he didn't.

"I snuck her potato chips sometimes. She really shouldn't have had any salt like that, but she loved cheddar and sour cream. She'd only eat a couple, knowing I didn't like her having any at all. And once she'd had those few, we'd do the secret handshake she'd come up with."

He laughed for a moment, shaking his head.

"Show it to me."

"Okay, make a fist."

I did as he asked, and he took my hand, guiding me through the handshake. It was . . . utterly ridiculous, but at the same time fun. I could just picture him and Ness doing this.

After we both finished laughing, the reality hit us again and he sighed. He kept my hand in his as our eyes met. "I'm going to miss her."

I nodded. "Me too. I know I've only known her for a short time, but she was . . ."

"Incredibly special?"

"Exactly."

"Yeah, she was. Bella, I'm sorry for being like this."

My brow creased as I shook my head. "No, don't be."

"It's a lot to lay on you, but there was no one else I wanted to be near. You've become my best friend, you know? I feel like . . . like what we have is more than I ever thought it'd be. I honestly went on that date with no expectations of something like this coming out of it, but I'm so happy it has. I'm so glad to have found you."

"Me too, Edward." I smiled lightly, squeezing his hand. "I'm glad you wanted to be near me tonight. I'm glad that even though there's no possible way I can give you any comfort, you wanted to be with me."

It meant more to me than I could explain, actually. He lost someone who was so much more than just a patient to him, and he came here.

"I love you."

My breath caught in my throat as his words hit me. He . . . he loved me?

"I understand if it's too soon for you to know or if you can't say it yet, but I love you. I think I've loved you since we first met, and the time we've spent together has just made that love grow stronger. It's wasn't my intention to tell you that, but it's the truth. Those are my feelings. Tonight, I needed to be with the woman I loved. You gave me comfort by just being here — by letting me breakdown and tell you stories. I didn't want another day to go by and not tell you that."

He just looked at me, expecting me to say something — to say anything at all. But I couldn't. I was literally speechless. Love was . . . it wasn't something I was looking for. Love was dangerous. I seemed to lose everyone I loved, and I didn't want to lose him.

"You've got to say something, Bella."

"I'm scared."

Fuck that, I was petrified.

He nodded. "It's okay. I didn't expect you to say it back yet."

But from the sorrowful look on his face, I knew he wanted it. And to be completely honest with myself, I wanted to say it back. I wanted to scream it. Because I was in love with him. I was crazily, stupidly, hopelessly, head over heels in love with the handsome man.

I couldn't tell you when it happened because there was no, "one moment." It was every moment. From the first time I saw him until this very moment, I was in love. And here I was, looking into the brokenhearted eyes of the man that I loved and I was too terrified to admit it.

"I'm scared," I repeated.

My hand shook as he held it. I wanted more words to come out, but they were stuck. I felt like I was suffocating, though I was taking air into my lungs as I always had.

"Why are you scared? Bella, please, tell me."

"I . . . I . . ."

Say something, damn it, my mind screamed.

"I lose people. I'm scared that I'll lose you, too."

He shook his head, caressing my cheek. "You won't."

"I-I need to think."

God damn it, that wasn't what I wanted to say. Why the hell couldn't I just say it? Why couldn't I tell him how much I loved him? Why was I letting my fear keep me from expressing my feelings?

"I'll go," he said, sitting up.

I gripped his hand tightly, refusing to let go. This was it. This was my last chance before I screwed everything up and lost it all. If I didn't say it now, he'd leave and there was a very good chance I'd never see him again.

I'd lose the handsome man that I loved. And fear be damned, I wasn't going to lose another thing.

"I'm scared to love you," I said, shaking my head. "I tried not to think about it because if I admitted it to myself, it was another thing that the world could take from me. I can't let this . . . this incredible thing I have with you go. I can't lose it. I love you, Edward."

The look of relief on his face almost made me want to laugh. "You do?"

I nodded. "I love you more than I ever thought possible because I don't get this happiness. And that's my own problem that I need to deal with, but I'm not letting it get in the way of this. I love you. And as I admit this, it's just growing stronger. I fell in love with you. When? I have no clue. But I fell in love with you and I keep falling in love with you every moment we're together."

His hands cupped my cheeks as his handsome lips curled into a smile. He wiped the stray tears that had fallen away as he dipped his head, pressing his lips to mine. I could have gone on. I could have rambled for hours about how and why I loved him. But with his kiss, I felt like he knew.

As he pulled away, he looked into my eyes. "Tonight was a bad night for me. For both of us, really. I didn't plan to tell you tonight, but I had to. I had to let you know that I loved you and know for myself if you felt the same. I know you're scared and I understand it, but you don't need to be. Love isn't something to fear."

I nodded. "I know. I've just . . ."

"You don't have to say it. You've had a bad year, and I know this wasn't in your plans. I know that you keep your heart guarded because of what you've lost, but you've opened it up for me. Bella, I promise I won't leave you. I promise I'll make you happy, just as I've done these past few months. If you give me this chance, you won't regret it."

There was no possible way that I could regret loving Edward Cullen. I knew his promises were true and he'd keep them as long as he was able — hopefully forever. He'd make me happy. Hell, he'd already made me ecstatic.

Falling in love had never been in my plans, but I was beginning to realize that there was no such thing. Plans were just a hilarious thing we came up with to try and control life. Life wasn't meant to be controlled, though.

It was meant to be lived.

"I can't wait to see how you could possibly make me happier," I said, smiling.

"I accept that challenge, beautiful girl," he chuckled, kissing me once more.