She was just across the room. Blonde hair, black dress. Smile on her face. That easy yet seductive smile. Heart-warming. Her lips kept moving, but he couldn't hear a sound. . . . The guy next to her certainly did. The one she has been chatting with. . . . Maybe it was a normal conversation between two friends, or acquaintances. Maybe it was a work discussion. Yet from where Dean was standing, it appeared more like a talk two people have in a bar before heading off to one's place. It was making Dean uneasy, yes, but he didn't do anything about it. He just swallowed his pride and looked away.
"Wow," Seth commented. Of course he noticed what Dean was actually paying attention to. But to Seth, and for that matter to everybody who would be watching him, Dean appeared calm. "How come you're not already telling him to fuck off? Have you made a New Year's resolution to be less jealous?"
Dean returned to watching her. Anger building up. He had to keep hurting his fingers with his nails so that the frustration would not eat him alive. Yes, he wished to walk up to that guy and punch him in the face. "No," Dean said, although with so much anger it was hard to hear between his almost sealed lips. Also, one couldn't tell whether it was an answer to Seth's question or disillusion over what was happening by that wall.
"You've softened up. Guys are not afraid of you anymore. See? That cameraman, Greg, or what's his name, keeps flirting with your girlfriend. You can see no fear in his eyes." Like Seth could see his eyes that were set on Renee. Still, he had a point.
And Dean's strategy to set him on fire from distance did not work either. Either he says something or he has to accept defeat.
"I don't get it," Seth continued in the monologue. "You stand here, you clearly have a problem with it. Just do something."
"No."
Seth was glad Dean was listening to him, although his eyes belonged to another object in the room.
"It's not like people don't expect you to intervene." Not even that sentence changed anything about Dean's attitude. "You know what's the problem, Dean?" Dean awarded him with a second-long glimpse before returning to what actually interested him. "You're too fucking slow. Why you keep waiting? Why isn't that ring on her finger yet?"
It's been over two months, it was about time Dean act.
"Seriously. How do you expect other men to leave her alone when they do not know your intentions with her? More importantly, when she doesn't know what your plans are."
"Shut up, Seth." So Dean was not in mood to have a serious discussion with Seth. Then again, this never prevented Seth from talking.
He went on. "Each day you lose confidence. You know, there's such a thing as waiting too long." He took a pause to see if Dean meant to say something, or at least look at him. No, of course not. Dean's business did not concern the guy standing next to him. "I've told you, that 'perfect moment,' " he said sarcastically, "does not exist."
"It does," Dean objected.
"So when is it gonna arrive, huh?" It was a teasing question.
"It already did."
Now that information caught Seth's interest. It prompted the process in his brain of creating follow-up questions. "So you're engaged?" Still, the fact was, there was no ring on Renee's finger. At least not an engagement ring.
Dean sighed. "No."
Only now it seemed to have hit Seth. The truth. Dean's anger and frustration. The expression on Seth's face, the one of horror, sympathy, reflected how he felt. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed. "She said no?"
At first Dean didn't say anything. And his facial expression as well as posture of his body signaled Seth's assumption might have been correct. Dean let his friend in this belief for a while. Then he told him the truth. Part of it. "She didn't say no. I haven't asked."
Dean's hand slipped into the pocket. Another missed opportunity. But the box was still on him. Without taking it out, without seeing it, using the fingers of his right hand only he opened the box and touched the ring. A spontaneous reaction to that sensation was a smile. A smile that would not last for ten seconds.
The floor that his eyes has been staring at for no reason was not interesting. He had to return to that sight; he knew he would. Maybe it was chance, maybe it was destiny that he caught her looking at him. But now she looked away anyway. She returned to her conversation. For a short moment only, though.
At the same time, Seth kept speaking to Dean, who would not listen. Now his senses were able to focus only on one person, and Seth certainly wasn't that person. The only question, which might have been asked several times, that Dean's ear caught was, "Why?"
Without replying, without saying something that would explain why Dean kept postponing one of the most important moments in his life, Dean kept being a witness to a conversation that was taking place too far away from him to hear. Let it end, he begged. Yes, he was jealous. That was something he couldn't help. It was an automatic reaction that he was unable to control. He'd think it'd get better with time. It didn't. Renee was right; he was a jealous guy. And right now she had to know he was staring at them. At Renee with that Greg or whoever it was.
Seth looked too. With Dean paying so little attention to him, he either looked at Renee or left. And he had a minute to waste.
The tension was rising. Dean's breathing quickened and got heavier. "Leave her alone," Dean whispered words directed at the guy.
That man did not listen to Dean's advice. Not at all. He kept on talking and talking and talking, until he kissed Renee.
"Whoa," Seth exclaimed, and his hand quickly jumped to his mouth to shut it. He looked at Dean to see what he would do.
Dean looked like he was about to explode. Tear every living thing in the room apart, that's what his moving hands and stretching fingers were suggesting would happen. His self-control was damaged and only some magic kept him from attacking that guy whose tongue somehow managed to enter Renee's mouth.
"Why are they still kissing?" Seth suddenly asked. He noticed, maybe only now, that Renee never objected to the kiss. That she was as much kissing him as he was kissing her. With those thoughts on his mind, and a need for explanation, Seth turned to Dean. "What's going on?"
Dean stood there for another minute. Although being in pain, he couldn't move. Now the anger was on its way to leave. All the strength was leaving him. Pain, sorrow, weakness was what was left. It didn't get any better with Renee's look, right after the kiss was over. She saw him suffering, and she did nothing. If something, she only made it worse.
"Dean?" Seth's voice was calling him from the end of the tunnel, bringing him back to life.
"What?" asked Dean in a lethargic voice.
"She's . . ." How to ask, Seth kept wondering. "She's not cheating on you, is she?" Of course the answer would be no. It all became clear. Maybe Dean didn't even need to say it, however, Seth wanted to hear it from him. Or, actually, he didn't. He wanted assurance that everything was alright. Although he saw it wasn't.
"No," Dean said.
"What happened?"
He said slowly, "You know." Yes, he did. Now. Dean did as well. But somehow it needed to be said out loud. Most of all, it was Seth who needed to hear it to believe it. And Dean decided to do Seth this favor. "We broke up."
"What? Why? I don't get it." Seth's brain had chance to deal with this information for the past two minutes, yet only now it started to work on it. It became overwhelming. So many questions, so little answers. "How? Didn't you want to propose to her?"
"Yes."
Originally the following question was different in his head, but what he ended up asking was, "Does she know?"
"No. And I'd prefer if it stayed that way."
"But . . ." Seth's eyes were watering. Dean went through that stage. Now he was just numb. "It can't be," Seth kept protesting, like that could change the reality.
"That's how it is." He tried to make himself believe that sentence, especially when he was looking at Renee with that other guy. They may have broken up, but he was still jealous. It wouldn't go away that easily. Neither would disappear his feelings for her.
The painful scene seemed so far from over. Seth felt sympathetic for Dean. How could Renee be kissing other guy in front of him? Why would she? It did not seem to be something she would do. . . . This realization led to conclusion. She had to be mad at him. Otherwise she wouldn't want to hurt him, would she? "Why did you break up?" What Seth was really asking was, What did you do?
Like he could expect him to answer.
Maybe Dean wasn't without guilt, but that did not mean he wasn't hurting. Then again, nobody would be surprised by his reaction to seeing some other man kiss a girl he still loved. It remained a painful sight even when their bodies were not touching anymore, when the guy smiled and turned around to leave. And when that girl, with her eyes as beautiful as always, looked at Dean, just to stab the digger a bit deeper in his heart. This was tough, but he knew he deserved it.
They maintained an eye contact. Renee walked his way, and then she stopped next to him. To judge? To laugh at his misery? No. She wasn't that cruel. "Can we talk?"
That was what Dean wanted. An agonizing process that he wanted to suffer for. Fearlessly, he nodded.
"I'll go . . ." Seth indicated to them that he would not stand in the way of their private conversation. But it was difficult for him; there were things he did not understand, he had plenty of questions on his mind that were just waiting to be asked. It terrified him how it was even possible for two people to end their relationship so suddenly. Did he miss some signs that something was going wrong? Dean was going to propose, his brain reminded him a fact that explained nothing but undercut the possibility of their relationship leading to a certain end. Those unanswered questions had to wait, though. Now he was forced to move somewhere else to grant those two time alone.
They have been watching each other, waiting for one to start.
Then Dean's patience failed. "Go ahead." The tone of his voice was not as friendly as it used to be. He was still dealing with the scene he was a witness of a few minutes ago.
Neither Renee appeared happy about this discussion, about the presence of the guy who used to mean so much to her. But she had to get this over with. "We'll . . ." She helped her confidence with conscious breathing. Breaks. Looking away. It hurt her as much as him. "We'll have to change some details in that interview, so maybe we could do it later today? If that's okay with you."
"Wait, what?" This wasn't the kind of conversation he anticipated. "That's it?"
"Yes," she replied, a little hesitantly.
"You came to me to talk about work?" He raised his voice.
"Yes." This time she sounded more confident. She even smiled. "What did you think I wanted to talk about?"
"I don't know. Us, maybe?"
She shook her head. "Us? There's no us, Dean." The pain was visible in her eyes as much as on her damaged face. "You made that clear."
"What happened?" he asked, disillusioned.
"Let's not talk about it, okay? We're done, that's the bottom line."
"No, I mean what happened to you? Last week we were able to talk as friends. Now you despise me, and clearly so much that you kiss some guy right in front of me. You're dating him now, or what?"
"No. And even if I were dating him, would that be a problem?" She took offensive stance. He was hesitant to answer, so Renee continued, "I can do whatever I want."
"Are you doing that just to hurt me?"
She said nothing to that accusation. She knew her reasons, but she owed the man standing in front her nothing.
"I thought we could stay friends. I guess I was wrong."
"You know what I thought? What I believed?" The answer was redundant. Of course they both knew. Staying friends? No, that was a plan B.
"So, from now on we're just . . .?"
"Coworkers," she added.
He saw her hostile look, but he couldn't do anything to make it disappear. It left only when she did. And Dean was left alone. Not even Seth returned because he decided to follow Renee instead.
"How long are you hiding that you broke up?" he asked, as she continued walking away from the room Dean was still occupying.
"Does it look like we're hiding it?" Renee remained in the offensive mode she was using before. However unnecessary, it was difficult to get rid of it.
"What happened?" Seth asked, but got not answer. "You don't want to talk about it, do you?"
"No."
Seth stopped walking. She continued, but he was taken away but the casualness of the surroundings. People around who probably knew nothing. He wanted to know what happened between Dean and Renee, but neither he nor she would give him the explanation he required for peace of mind. Clearly, those two didn't even care enough to break the news to him. But there had to be somebody who knew.
"Roman," Seth called as he spotted him.
"Hey! Have you signed the card for Sheamus yet?"
"Yep," he said, and decided to go straight to the point. "What do you know about what's going on with Renee and Dean?"
Before answering, Roman checked whether there was anyone listening, and only when he had assurance their conversation would go unnoticed, he said, "They're not together anymore."
Reaction on Seth's face convinced Roman that his friend already knew about it, and therefore encouraged him to open the topic with him.
"Since when?"
"This year, pretty much."
"What happened?"
Before revealing too much, Roman wanted to know, "How much do you know?"
"Just that they broke up, and a few minutes ago Renee kissed other guy."
"What? That's knew."
"Hey, hear this. In front of Dean," he added slowly, creating tension.
"Wow."
"What do you know?" Seth asked for enlargement of his knowledge.
"That two things must have happened. One thing that broke them up. And the other that changed their attitude toward each other."
"What do you mean?"
"At the beginning of January I thought they would have gotten back together. They were acting really nice to each other, they talked. Now they have love-hate relationship, but let me tell you that it's getting worse. And now that you said Renee provoked Dean with that kiss . . . the shit's going down."
"So what changed it?"
"I have no idea. Just as I don't know why they broke up. When I think they were going to get married. . . ." Roman spoke quietly at the end, just in case. He kept shaking his head. "At least they can stand each other."
Although Seth was still in the process of absorbing the new information, his hardworking brain enabled him to already think ahead. Unfortunately, future did not look bright. "What if that changes too? What if a week from now they won't be able to look at each other? To cooperate . . . accept that they are coworkers?"
"Luckily for you, you won't have to be the one to sort it out."
"What if one of them decides to leave the company?"
Roman shrugged his shoulders. "They were going into it knowing that possibility existed."
That hardly satisfied Seth. He needed assurance that it won't happen. But how could he get it when he didn't even know what happened between two people that appeared so happy a few weeks ago?
Seth knew this wasn't his problem. But they were his friends. How could he accept that his friends hated each other?
He returned to wanting to talk to Renee. He could still see her, although busy.
Next minute he was standing beside her, annoying her, keeping her from doing her job. Seth started with a sigh. "What did he do?" After a pause he has given her for responding, he went on, "He fucked up before, he had do something worse now."
"What?" She finally started paying attention to him.
"What made you break up with him?"
"I didn't break up with him. He broke up with me."
That information left Seth speechless for a minute. His confusion enabled Renee to return to her work. She needed to talk to some people, but that was not possible as long as she was having this discussion with Seth.
"Why would he . . .?"
Renee turned to him, and, with a smile on her face, she asked, "Surprised? Shocked?" Now she was just asking sarcastically.
"But he . . ." Seth couldn't forget about that engagement that was supposed to take place. This was hard to understand. Impossible. But he understood one thing. "So that's why you're mad at him."
"I'm not mad at him."
"Well, I am."
Renee chuckled. She sat down, surrendering to the conversation she initially did not want to have. Now she realized it did not matter. People would find out one day, that was certain. And of course they want answers.
"It's only January but this year already sucks," she reflected. "If only I could see it coming. It came as such a shock that I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. One minute he was saying he loved me, the other he was saying it's over. And then I kept believing that he would take it back, that he would regret his decision and realize we belong together. . . . But I guess I was wrong. Still, I couldn't help it." She turned to Seth with a question, "How do you stop loving someone?" Neither he had an answer. "Of course I loved him the next morning. I still do. But I'm not trying to get him back."
"You want him back?"
"Not anymore."
"But you did," he assumed.
"Of course. And at first I thought it would happen. But he didn't seem to be interested in getting back together, and then I lost my interest too."
"But you need to work it out."
"Work out what exactly?" she asked.
"You know, your relationship. The reason why you broke up."
That led to Renee's smile. A peaceful one.
"Why did you break up?"
"Ask Dean," she said. Then she added, "And when he tells you, if he tells you," she corrected herself, "could you let me know?"
Now he would understand the hate, the one she claimed to be nonexistent. "He didn't say why he's breaking up with you?"
Her sigh was the answer.
"He ended it without any explanation. . . ." Seth was losing temper. That behavior was absolutely inexcusable. What was Dean's idea? And how after his inconsiderate actions could he even expect her to be smiling when she was next to him. Remembering how he hurt her . . . and didn't say why.
He got mad and stormed out of the room. Some people watched for a few seconds, but then let go. Seth walked into the room where he saw Dean most recently. Somehow expecting him to still be there. Well, he already left. The room was empty, and he wasn't in the hallway either. Having little options and even less logical thinking engaged, he came back to where Renee and Roman were. Seth approached Roman. "Where is Dean?"
Sarcastic answer was called for. "Well, as you can see, not here." If Seth were calmer, Roman would simply say he had no idea. This way, though, he said, "You were the last one who saw him. Why should I know where he is?"
Seth turned to wider public with his question. "Somebody seen Ambrose?"
"Lockers," somebody called.
Seth immediately followed that direction. And surely he found him there. He was the only one in the room, and that was something Seth welcomed. He was angry, and he knew that what he was about to do would appear arrogant, but he did it anyway. He "attacked" him, or more like invaded his personal space.
"Hey," Dean shouted.
Seth's hands remained on Dean's body. He took the job of a security guard at the airport who would search a person's body until he finds something.
"What are you doing?" Dean kept shouting at him, but failed to interfere with Seth's inspection. "Hands off me."
Finally Seth found what he had been looking for. "What is this?" he asked, holding the small black box containing the ring Dean had been so carefully protecting. "A joke?"
"No," Dean said, and grabbed the box.
"Have you ever even been seriously considering proposing to her?"
"Yes. Of course I have."
"Then tell me this. How can you be planning to propose to Renee and end up breaking up with her instead?"
Dean shouted, instinctively, "I don't know!"
"You're an idiot. Asshole! You better have a good reason for that break-up."
"Maybe I don't have one."
Seth calmed himself down a bit. "Look, you don't need to tell me, but she deserves to know the truth. However bitter it is. "You don't want to be with her? You've cheated on her? You don't think your marriage would work? Just tell her the goddamn reason."
"Why do you act like I had to have done something wrong? What about her?"
"You're seriously gonna make me think she screwed up?"
"I just hate how you immediately jump to conclusions."
Seth decided to end it with, "I don't care who did what, just man up and end it properly." Then he left the room.
That was not the end of the hearing for Seth. Although lacking any relevant new information, he returned to Renee.
Now she welcomed his desire to talk to her about things she'd like to conclude. "So?" she asked with hope in her eyes.
"Nothing."
She looked disappointed. Deep inside she hoped she would finally learn the reason, Dean's point of view on it.
"You really have no idea what could have gone wrong?"
"No. Well, I don't know. It seemed great. Everything was almost perfect as late as . . ."
"When?"
"New Year's Day. Few minutes before we broke up, really. . . . I was wondering if he had any reason at all. If it wasn't just an instinct, you know? But I refuse to believe that. Then I thought that maybe it was me." Seth chose not to tell her that this was the information he got from Dean, that there was a chance Renee or something about her made Dean end the relationship.
"Like what? You've done something?"
"I have no idea. I mean, I don't remember that I did something that would get him mad in any way. But I'm not perfect. There are many things about me that I know Dean doesn't fancy, I hate things about me as well. It might have been gradual. Like it's been with him the whole time, some aversion, and it's been building up, he just did not let it show. That's why it came out of the blue for me. Maybe he knew it would happen. Maybe he's been thinking about it for months."
"No," Seth refused, and he knew why. Planning to get married and planning to break up with the same person don't go together.
"Well, I've no better explanation."
"Have you asked him?"
"Yes. That day I asked. More than once. But I got no answer."
"Have you asked him afterwards?"
"No," she said.
"I know he won't tell me. But maybe if you asked," he said with hope in his voice.
"I was thinking about it. I came to a conclusion that maybe I don't want to know."
"Why?" He could not understand.
"I'm afraid of it," she admitted. "I spent one night wide awake thinking about possible reasons. I didn't ask for them, but my brain kept coming up with them. And they ranged from really psycho ones like Dean wanted to protect me because he knew something that could get him killed to more realistic ones like, I don't know, he stopped loving me."
"Please," Seth interrupted with a sarcastic note.
"Seriously. You know that a person can be in love for a year, at best?"
"You don't believe that, do you?"
She answered, "Well, it's a scientific fact. Anyhow, Dean might have lost interest in me."
"Even if so, that's not a reason for breaking up with somebody. You know how the marriage rate would decline if people decided for a divorce simply because they lost interest in their spouse?"
"What I'm saying, Seth, is that maybe . . . he . . ." Words were getting stuck in her throat.
But although she was getting to the point slowly, and with little hints, Seth got it. "He found somebody else?"
"It's an option," Renee said.
"And you believe it?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "Probably not. It's definitely not the one that haunts me."
"So which terrifies you the most?"
"That he did it because he felt like it."
Seth chuckled, despite Renee's seriousness. "You believed his unstable gimmick?"
She did not reply directly. Instead, she decided to conclude the conversation that would get them nowhere anyway with a sentence she has been telling herself for some time now. "Whatever the reason, sometimes it's better not to know."
"Really?" He had to question her attitude. If he were the one to choose, Seth would want to know.
"Look, one week ago, sure, I'd welcome to finally hear the reason behind the break-up. Back then, I'd even want him back."
That led Seth to somewhat change the topic. "What changed your mind?"
"Something I don't wanna talk about."
"It's not that he still hasn't told you why he ended it, is it?"
"No."
"And it's not because he showed no intentions in getting back together either," he guessed.
"No."
"So?"
She stayed strong. "I said I wouldn't talk about it."
Now he was curious. Now he needed to know. But she was on her way to leave.
"Come on," he shouted before she retreated to safety from his annoying questions.
What was she afraid of? He wouldn't tell anyone. So he ran after her. He caught her before she could enter the women's locker room. Yet she entered anyway. He followed her inside. Fortunately, he saw nothing inappropriate, but still, some female wrestlers decided to leave as soon as a male odor infected their habitat.
Alone, they could talk. "If Dean's not the reason, then why are you enemies now?"
"We're not enemies," she opposed, and continued going through her stuff. She held her bag, with her back turned to Seth, but she couldn't ignore him.
"Is it a secret?" he asked.
She finally found what she's been looking for. Ibuprofen. Before continuing, or making a decision whether to continue with the discussion she had little interest in, she put the pill in her mouth and looked for a bottle of water.
In the meantime, somebody entered the room, distracted Seth, and almost stole his opportunity to learn more. Fortunately, she turned around and left, leaving the two once again alone.
"Whatever you say, it won't leave these walls."
"I won't say anything."
"Please," he begged.
"What do you need it for? You want to know, yet you claim you won't use that information. What will you do with it then?"
"Nothing, I swear. I'm just curious," he tried his best to make her speak.
"Seth . . ." She turned to him with her attention, "It has nothing to do with you." Her voice was friendly, although sad.
Maybe he should've realized she was doing him a favor when she refused to reveal the secret to him. It did not concern him, and she'd be happier if it did not concern her either.
He was gonna say something, ask more, but in the end, he stayed quiet. In fact, he turned around, deciding to give her privacy. Leave her alone. But as he was standing by the door, he looked back at her, her worrisome face, teary eyes, and he knew he'd stay.
"Something troubles you," he guessed. No, he was certain. She remained quiet. "I wish I could read it from your mind, but you'll have to tell me." When he failed to bring her reaction, he said, "Or should I bring someone who knows you more than I do?"
She assuredly shook her head no.
"Does it have something to do with him?"
She shrugged her shoulders. Maybe was the word she had on her tongue but did not pronounce.
He was getting closer to her, being her friend. "Will you tell me?" Once standing before her, he made her look at him.
"You know that you can trust me. Like last year when you told me about your feelings for Dean."
"I did not tell you. You found out," she reminded him.
"Yeah." He laughed. "But I never told him. I kept that secret. And in the end it was fun, wasn't it?"
"This is different," she said.
He stroked her arm to show her she really could confide in him. He did all he could to encourage her to speak. But she was still hesitant.
"I won't tell anyone. I promise."
She looked up and tried to find out from the look in his eyes whether she could trust him. "You swear?" She was scared, not only afraid that Seth would tell. There was an issue of how he would react. Would he judge?
"Pinky swear," Seth said, and raised his little finger.
Now Renee finally revealed her secret. "I had a miscarriage." She let that sink in. But she knew she had to continue before she'd lose confidence. "When Dean broke up with me, I was pregnant. I didn't know," she quickly added. "Only when I miscarried I realized it. And then . . ." She paused.
Seth's been alternatively watching her and watching the floor. Or the walls. Basically anything that would let him escape those sad eyes belonging to Renee.
"Then I couldn't look at Dean the same way."
Seth nodded like he understood. In fact, he was far from having understood what she's been telling him. He needed time to absorb all the information and start thinking about it. Make connections and conclusions. Use logic. Now it was just confusion and a refusal of his brain to cooperate. There were little thinking processes going on and he had almost no questions that he wanted to ask.
"Before, I wanted us to be together again, then, the circumstances changed. Everything was different. And I had to cope with it first." She sat down, reflecting, although she didn't want to.
Seth didn't know what to say. Well, there was one thing, only one thing, he knew he could, and should, say. "I'm sorry."
"It's not a big deal," she said, trying to make herself believe her own lie. "It's not like I knew I was pregnant. I wasn't excited about having a baby."
"Are you okay?" asked Seth, now taking a seat next to her, trying to hug her but it was difficult with her rejecting him.
"Of course. It'd be illogical for me to be emotional about it."
He took a good look at her. At her fighting with what was logical and what was real. "You know, you can be sad about it."
"No," she refused.
"You have right to feel that way." He caressed her hair. "It's okay if you cry."
She violently shook her head.
"I'm here for you."
"No. No!" she cried. She stood up, turning down Seth's comfort. "I'm fine. Even if I knew, it's not like I could have done something about it. It's no one's fault and it can't be prevented," she said the learned phrase that she's been telling herself for almost a week. Her eyes beginning to tear up, body starting to shake. Seth stood up and didn't care that she had refused him before. He put his arms around her again, soothing her. "It's no one's fault and it can't be prevented," she repeated, now crying.
He asked, he wanted to know. Now he had to deal with the consequences. For her as much as for himself. He brought about the feeling of discomfort, confusion, need to disappear. But even if he got the chance, he wouldn't leave. In this moment of weakness, she needed him. Someone to hold her, make her feel safe and warm. Someone to kiss her on the top of her head. And he could stand there embracing her forever. But she managed to pull herself together, fight away the incoming tears, and look into his eyes. She found an ally in him. Confidant who would hear her out but wouldn't judge. "Fucked up January. Makes me already hate this year," she said. She felt a bit better, one could see that. His presence helped a lot.
He could see her attempt to escape the topic that caused her pain, unfortunately, Seth intended to stay at it for a moment longer. "I think I'm right, but, please, tell me. He doesn't know, does he?"
She shook her head. "No."
"And . . .?"
"I don't plan to tell him."
"Ever?"
Her answer was a clear no even without actually pronouncing that syllable.
"But . . . Don't you think he deserves to know? It's his baby –"
She stopped him immediately. "What baby? I don't see a single reason why he should know." It was hard to argue with her. But from his male perspective, he knew he'd want to know. And he was sure that Dean would probably feel the same way. "If we were together, it'd be different. But now . . . I was thinking about telling him, but then I tried to imagine what would be going on his mind." Before saying more, she asked Seth, "How would you feel? What would you do or say?"
That was hard to imagine for he never experienced that situation. However, he gave it a shot. "I would . . . be sad, grieve, probably. I don't know whether I'd let it show or now. But I'd want to know that there ever was a possibility that I'd become a father. More important, though, is that I, well, Dean, can be there for you. You don't have to go through it alone."
"Seth, I understand that. But what I see . . . is causing him pain. Unnecessary pain. If I can spare him that, then I will. I still love him. I don't want him to suffer. Sure, maybe he wouldn't, but then again, maybe he'd think I'm suffering."
"Aren't you?" Seth asked, carefully.
"No. I don't want him to comfort me. I myself hate that I cried over something so irrational."
"It's not irrational."
"It is when there's no way of taking it back, and when you never knew about it in the first place." She tried to make him understand, to share her point of view. "Seth, if I could choose to not know about it at all, I'd prefer that. That's why I don't want to tell Dean. It's not because I don't want to include him in this, that I don't think he'd deserve to know."
"I know," he whispered because his voice let him down.
"Besides, we're not together anymore. Even if I told him, we wouldn't be sharing the pain, we'd have to deal with it separately. As I do now."
"It's your choice." Still, he thought Dean should now. But he couldn't argue with Renee or her reasoning.
"You won't tell him, will you?" she asked, somewhat worried that he might. She could see that Seth disagreed with her opinion on this.
"Of course not. I swore."
She nodded. She had to admit that telling him made her feel relieved. "You can go now," she told him, setting him free. "Now you know the truth. Happy?"
"No. I'm glad you told me, but I'm certainly not happy. I hate to see you miserable. I can't believe what you had to go through in just two weeks. First Dean, then this. It's too much for one person to deal with alone."
"Seth, I'm not telling him."
"I know. I just . . ." Not even he knew what he actually wanted to say. He just knew it was unfair. How Dean ditched her for no apparent reason. How as soon as one painful moment left another arrived.
"I'm doing fine," she assured him. "Even without Dean."
"Are you with that Greg guy now?" he asked, not blaming her at all. Just being curious.
"I don't know. It's nothing serious, you know." She was being honest to herself. "To be fair, he's nothing more than a rebound guy."
Seth couldn't hide surprise over her honesty. He showed no disgust over her possible getting into another relationship so shortly after the previous one ended. What mattered was her happiness. The means by which she would achieve it were secondary.
"I know that kiss in Dean's presence was too much."
"Well, he didn't hurt anybody. He needs to learn to handle illogical jealousy."
"One day he'll find someone too."
"And you'll be okay with it?" Seth asked because she said it so casually.
"No."
He smiled and she did too.
"Go now. I'm sure you have more important things to do than hanging out in the women's locker room."
He nodded. He was at work after all. Still, his next steps led to the men's lockers where he hoped to find Dean. Fortunately, Dean was still in there. Alone. Sitting on the bench with his back turned toward the door. Seth couldn't see what he was doing nor he cared much.
Hearing the door opening, he glimpsed at the person disrupting his private session. Even from such distance Seth was able to hear the sigh when Dean realized who entered. But not even now did Dean let go of his previous activity. He kept sitting there, looking at something he had placed on top of his thighs.
"I want you to tell me the reason why you broke up with her," Seth insisted, as he walked closer to him.
"Urgh." Dean stood up and put the teddy bear that he has been grasping in his hands down. "You won't leave it, will you?" Deciding that he didn't want the toy to become a center of attention, he put it inside his backpack.
"Tell me the truth and I'll leave you alone."
"Seth, don't you see this has nothing to do with you?"
"You're right. But don't say it has nothing to do with Renee. Because I know she asked you. Why is it so difficult for you to be honest with her?"
Dean sensed that saying anything would only assure Seth that this conversation could go on. That was not what Dean wanted, so he stayed quiet.
Seth decided for a change of strategy. "She thinks it's her fault."
"Why would she think that?" Dean failed to stay out of the talk.
"Because you gave her no explanation. And then you jumped at me when I blamed you."
Dean shouted, "You told her I said she was the reason?" That made him angry. How dared he?
Seth remained calm. He breathed in and looked around. Then, giving fake impression that he came to that opinion only now, he said, "We all know she did nothing to justify your dumping her."
"Cool. Can you leave now?"
"I'm not leaving until I hear it."
Then there was an option that Dean would leave instead. But he stayed for some reason. "If I decide I want the reason to be known, I'll tell Renee, definitely not you."
"So go and tell her."
Dean laughed for effect. "You don't get it."
"Mhmm." Seth was nodding and smiling with that sarcastic grin. "Renee believes you had no reason. You did it just because . . . I don't know, you felt like it in the moment. No, like that idea popped into your head and you asked yourself, hell, why not?"
Dean was shaking his head, despising the person standing in front of him. Having need to hurt him for being so thoughtless.
"But I don't believe that. Things happen for a reason. And now I don't mean some higher force that makes it happen," he added to avoid being misunderstood. "You gotta have a reason for doing so important as breaking up with person you love. Now, what's that reason?" he asked, already knowing he would get no answer from Dean.
However, before Seth could go on, Dean interrupted him. "You found out a moment ago that Renee and I broke up and you have already come up with this scheme?"
"Well, I talked to you, I talked to her. It's not that difficult to figure it out."
Now Dean got interested. So what reason did he have?
"You feel guilty. You did something bad."
Dean let him speak. Even if he did not share Seth's notion of guilt, he chose not to interrupt and let Seth have his analysis come to a failed ending.
"Maybe you've cheated on her."
"Please," Dean sarcastically exclaimed, and laughed.
"No? Maybe you've just lied. Or you really do have interest in sleeping with other women and you just realized tying the knot will take that option away."
"Oh, yeah, I have a whole harem in the basement waiting for me to be single again. That's gotta be it." He sighed. Pretending to be in good mood was failing him. "Now that you've solved the case, could you leave?" Whether Seth was still there or on his way out became unimportant to him. Even with a witness, he grabbed the bear again. Embracing him, getting high on the smell. Perfume that she sprayed it with. . . . It still smelled like her. That wonderful, hypnotizing smell that he knew sooner or later would block his nose, and it'd result in the lowering amount of air getting into his lungs and a nauseated feeling. He knew what would ultimately happen, yet he couldn't let go.
As earlier with Renee, Seth remained in the room. He saw a broken person. There were many similarities between them, and Seth was beginning to see a victim in Dean, too. Alright, so he was the one who caused the misery, but maybe he had a good reason, he just didn't want anyone to know. There was a chance he was in this innocently. Seth couldn't know.
Then Roman entered the room. He quickly noticed the object in Dean's hands. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed. "Again?" He ran toward him and took the inanimate animal from him. "I see you with it one more time and I'm burning it," he warned Dean, who was trying hard to get it back. Roman was too powerful and too determined for Dean to even have a chance to succeed.
"I want it," cried Dean.
Roman wouldn't return it to him. Moreover, he looked into Dean's backpack where he found other delinquent objects. The postcard. Her lipstick. "Don't tell me this is yours," Roman said jokingly. Dean kept reaching for things that Roman was taking away from him. He couldn't win this fight.
"What is it?" Seth, who now left the distant area to get a closer look, asked.
"You mean this?" Roman asked. He held that card Dean got from his then-girlfriend in his hand, waving with it in front of Seth's face.
Seth read it. "A real boyfriend: calls you for nothing, texts you all the time, wants to see you, cries, gets jealous, is overprotective and loves you."
Seth immediately looked at Dean, whose hand was once again unsuccessfully reaching for the card. In Seth's look there was both sympathy and disgust. Disgust over somebody who reads those words and is able to break the girl's heart right afterwards. "How could you let her down like that?" But it was hard to be mad at someone who was heartbroken too. Dean's watery eyes and the frown made him look like a victim. And then there was the scene that happened before his very eyes not that long ago. How that person he loved was kissing another guy. Tearing his heart to pieces. And instead of doing something to cheer himself up, Dean crawled inside his cave where he chose to cling on to things that were making him suffer even more. Memories. Thoughts that were tearing him apart from inside. Objects, presents he got but did not deserve. Guilt because he disappointed the one person he cared about most.
Now everything was being taken away from him. The girl as well as the memories of the relationship. But as far as Roman was concerned, it did not suffice. "Give me the ring."
"No!" Dean shouted.
At that moment Seth did not know whose side to take. He stayed away from the conflict, watching it only. Feeling bad for Dean as well as Roman. He understood why Roman wanted it.
"Stop hurting yourself," Roman said to Dean.
And Seth saw how desperate everyone was. How 2015 was not a good year for Dean either. And how unlike for Renee, for Dean it still could get worse. That's why it was beginning to make sense that Renee decided to keep the secret to herself. Dean already looked he would welcome a cliff to jump off. With a realization of what his loved one was going through, what she had to undergo, and with the spontaneous yet logical idea that it was him who caused the suffering, it would become risky to leave him alone.
"Give him the ring," Seth finally said.
Dean kept shaking his head, doing what he could to protect it from the thieves. In the end, though, he failed.
Roman felt bad for him, but didn't regret the decision. "I'm sorry. It's for your own good."
"Give me the bear," he beseeched, holding back the tears. The teddy bear was what he longed for the most. The feeling of its soft fur had a calming effect on him. So what that it smelled like her? So what that it would make him sick? It would bring tears to his eyes . . . he knew all that but none of that mattered to him. He just wanted to have it and hold it close.
"Dean," Roman spoke to him, feeling terrible to be declining his only request, but he hated to see him suffer. And that perfumed toy would make him miserable in the end. Roman hoped Dean would realize this on his own, or listen to him. "Weren't you the one who ended it?" Dean pretended not to hear him. "You have to accept the reality. You're not together. Unless you want to do something about it, it's pointless to keep the things that belong to the past," Roman told him. "Please, I'm telling you this as a friend. Stop torturing yourself."
He had to live with the reality that he wouldn't get that teddy bear he wished to have. And so was gone the card and the engagement ring. Dean started worrying that Roman would invite himself into his house where he would take the rest. Nothing would be left.
As Dean turned his attention to the wall in front of him, refusing to look into the eyes of the traitors, he heard Seth's voice. "Was it worth it?"
He had the answer. No, it wasn't. But he had no choice.
"I miss her," he admitted.
"Of course you do. You still love her. Those feelings don't disappear overnight."
"She hates me now."
"No," said Seth. "She loves you too."
Dean lifted his head and looked at him. "She does?"
Rather Seth did not continue. Yes, it was true that she loved him despite breaking up with her, but he wanted to cause no confusion. It wasn't the same kind of love. And it didn't mean that even if Dean regretted his decision and got down on his knees to ask for forgiveness she would take him back. Dean had to live with the consequences. In the post-breakup world they were not friends, barely acquaintances. But maybe that was something he could work on. "Give her some time. You both need to spend time apart. Then you can at least try to become friends again."
Dean nodded. "What if friends is not good enough?"
"Dean, this discussion would be easier if you revealed why you broke up with her. Is it something the two of you can work out? Or is it permanent? You both love each other; it would be stupid to throw everything away just because of some silliness that made you end it." Sensing Dean's opposition, he added, "I know, I know nothing about your reasons. I'm just saying that . . ."
Roman couldn't find the right words so Seth helped him out. "For us it makes no sense. One day you're together, happy, the next one you're apart, crying somewhere in the corner. If you told us, there's higher chance we would understand, maybe even we would be able to help you figure it all out."
"You know you have our full support," Roman assured him.
However, on that point Seth disagreed. He shook his head even though Dean was not watching him. "No. As long as I don't know why you did it, it's nothing but an irresponsible, thoughtless, childish action. Running away from the problem. Or creating a problem where there's none."
"Seth," Roman snapped.
"I'm sorry if you don't agree with my belief to be honest even with the person you have no business with anymore. Renee's my friend. And yours as well," he said to Roman. Then he looked at Dean, "You claim to love her yet you let her suffer. I know it won't change a lot when you explain to her why you did what you did, but let her at least have that closure." Then he realized the hypocrisy of it. How he pushed Dean into being honest with her, yet he only defenselessly stood by and accepted Renee's decision to keep her secret. That relationship cannot end like this. With things being unspoken. If they want to say goodbye, they should do it properly. Both of them. Put their cards on the table.