I wonder about things that should be confined to the universe's musings, and I regret none of the things I've realized.
Welcome back, I'm glad to see you, first time or not.
0o0o0o
The chain chafed after a while. Light forced himself to keep his eyes on the band of abraded skin around his wrist. It wasn't pretty, but it was better than looking at L. Anything was preferable to looking at the detective and triggering those memories again.
Light soon discovered that slowly twisting the cuff distracted him from anything else. It wasn't a good feeling-it reminded him too much of the constant rattling he'd heard last night-but it felt like the bites and scratches he had taken extra care to conceal with high collars and long sleeves. It was all a matter of relativity. Burning his skin against the metal hurt, but L hurt more, so he took the less painful option.
'Less painful' being the one that would claw his insides to shreds to a smaller extent. It was all a matter of choosing the option that left less scars.
The gentle swaying of the chain was almost hypnotic. Light fiddled with the link that hung closest to his chair and absentmindedly began scratching and tapping the metal against the desk.
Tap, scratch, tap tap.
Tap, scratch, tap tap. Pause. Tap, scratch, tap tap. On and on.
Light found himself falling deeper into the rhythm and it's soothing regularity, like ripples on a shore, slowly carving a world of white noise into the sand. It was peaceful in that little world. It was full of noise and yet absolutely silent. It had nothing to weigh on him. No thoughts, no Kira Case, no detective with feathered black hair and dark, alluring eyes and blue-green-purple bruises hidden on his pale skin.
'Light?'
The pattern cut off with a grinding halt halfway through the second tap.
Light was yanked away from the white-noise world and back into one that had all the aforementioned troubling things. L watched him silently. Light dipped his head, trying to fix a look of embarrassment on his face when all he felt was loss at the disappearance of the tap-scratch-tap-tap rhythm.
'I'm sorry, Ryuzaki. I was distracted.'
'Mmm. Anything on your mind?' the detective asked, disregarding the coffee he'd been nursing steadily up until that moment to turn his full, impassive, darkly amused attention to Light. Light lifted his chin and stared back, catching every smirk the raven tried to disguise.
Last night, you, us, and that goddamned lie that we'd both forget it in the morning.
'No,' Light said. The word caught slightly in his throat, and he said it again. 'No. Nothing important. Let's just return to the case.'
0o0o0o
'Nothing important,' L thought, even though you're so bad at hiding the memories from your eyes? I know you're thinking of last night, and so am I, though I would do anything to stop the images rewinding.
And that lie about how we'd forget it? Did either of us truly believe you? Or was it just a failing promise built on the needs amplified in the darkness?
L nodded, responding to Light's posed question. They could pretend they didn't speak a thousand conversations in the spaces between anybody else's, they could turn a blind eye to the nuances that welled between them and speak in pointless words instead of breaths and bodies.
I'll keep playing our game, Light, if only because it's the only thing I know how.
But tell me, when can we talk truly again?
L breathed out and didn't breathe in again until his chest pinched and tightened. He repeated the process throughout the entire meeting. The spaces between breaths amplified Light's pattern.
Tap scratch tap tap.
0o0o0o
It ended up with L reliving the night in his head. Time frayed. Seconds either stretched forever or rushed by far too fast, taking L's breath with them.
Light had looked so innocent in sleep. L imagined that when he was like that, he could forget about the fact that he's Kira. And in the end, that's what the detective wanted for him. He wants him to be someone he can love without having that burden on his shoulders.
But that's impossible. If Light is Kira, and he is, he will have to die.
Did it have to end with one of their bodies rotting below the dirt? Couldn't it end differently; for once, couldn't L long for something without worrying it was going to be torn away?
L was no stranger to loss; exactly the opposite. Seeing cases fail, watching Watari age away. A, his first successor. A, who he had pushed too far too often, who he had broken. Because the first generation were prototypes expected to fail.
They had been just children.
They, being A who was only human to crack in the end, and B.
B. Brilliant. Deranged. Full name: Beyond Birthday, but he likes-liked-being called Beyond.
Beyond with those eyes and that need to prove himself that came out too many times and the smirking sense of humor. He'd been a top too. Said so himself. Proved it himself.
Always by himself. He never needed anybody, least of all L.
Beyond with burn scars and a thumbnail gnawed to bloody strips. Beyond washing the mask of makeup off in the sink. He'd loved looking like others, even before he'd run away and became the world's greatest criminal.
Beyond, someone else is vying for that spot and they don't even know it. Light and you, brilliant, deadly, beautiful human creatures; you are the only ones who know how to hurt me just right so I come begging, back for more and more and more. You're going to kill me, both of you, both of you, because you're the same thing, the same childish rival that got too far into my head.
In L's thoughts, Light and Beyond started to blur into the same person. No, not quite 'person'. More like...idea. Of someone who knew they were a genius and reveled in it, in their sureness that everything was going to go their way in the end. In their arrogance and childishness. L reached for that image of his perfect rival and it danced away back into the fearful shadows.
L knew he would never be able to catch the fluttering image, but chasing it and expecting his prize at the end were two completely different things. He could chase and hunt and run after Light or Beyond, and they'd still be laughing at him, constantly out of reach, no matter how many times he pinned them down. They were untouchable, and that made them all the better to claim.
For the short time their threads crossed. Afterwards, they would be gone, disappeared back into the void. Angels with their wings returned, restored to heaven. And L would wait and sing and tempt them back down again, their own dance they observed, because what else did they know how to do?
0o0o0o
'So, we've finally managed to catch a moment alone.' L looked up from the scuffed floor. 'Shall we talk?'
'Talk?' Light scoffed, twisting sharply in his chair to better face the detective. The chain caught on the armrest before clattering free. L didn't flinch, still curled into his crouched sitting position.
'Yes, Light. Talk, because we need to work out what's happening,' L said, the last word curling over to show a sharper underside. Light abruptly stood up. L caught onto the shaking of his hands, the paleness in his face that gave way to an angry flush.
'No. We are not talking about anything. We were both supposed to forget it, that was the promise. Or have you forgotten?' Light straightened and turned away, and instantly, L saw red. Light kept doing this, turning away, ending the conversation, determined to have the last word. Childish.
L grabbed the chain and yanked Light back to face him. The young man stumbled, the awkward positioning of the chain forcing him to drop to his knees in front of L. From there, Light glowered, eyes narrowed, mouth twitching towards an angry smirk.
'Is this better, L? Will you feel more comfortable talking to me when I'm chained on my knees in front of you?' Light whispered.
'Don't you…' L trailed off, his words failing him more by the posturing of Light's body than the brunette's harsh laugh.
'Don't I...what?' Light's eyes glittered like a crow's. 'Don't do this? I could have sworn you liked it last night, or at least that's what I gathered from what you were screaming.'
L tried and failed to speak. Light lifted his head triumphantly.
'It's all a game, and I'm winning. Watching you go crazy over every hidden meaning I miss. Seeing you lose yourself because you're so obsessed over me. Driving you insane today was fun, Ryuzaki. I look forward to doing it again tomorrow, and every day after that.' With a quiet laugh, Light leaned forward and kissed the detective, his hands sliding through black hair to press L's mouth more firmly to his.
After a long moment, Light pulled away and stood.
'Shall we?' he asked with a mocking smile, holding out a hand. L wordlessly rose by himself and started down the hallway back to the conference room.
0o0o0o
They didn't even pretend to be asleep that night. L perched on one side of the bed, wrapped in blankets, Light facing away from him, legs dangling off the side.
'Did you mean all the things you said today?' L asked. Light shrugged, still resolutely staring at his hands.
'Did I?'
L didn't intend to answer that, especially not if Light didn't have the decency to face him. The detective grabbed Light's shoulders and pulled him backwards onto the bed, face twisted into a snarl.
'Did you, Light?'
A long pause, broken only by Light's scoff. 'You've really lost it, haven't you, Ryuzaki?'
L growled, hands twitching of their own accord. Light looked up at him, hair splayed everywhere, eyes mocking, bringing so many memories that L just-
'Ohh-' Light's hands flew to the detective's hair. L snarled again, low in his throat, and bit at Light's lower lip, demanding entrance. Light complied.
The blankets were kicked to the floor, the sheets tangled again. At first, both were content just to kiss, but soon found themselves needing more, something to satisfy.
Light's fingers teased at the elastic of L's boxers, and even through his haze, the detective recoiled.
'No. You-it was one night. That was the promise,' L said, pulling away. Every thought he had screamed at him to go back, to let Light take him, but he couldn't.
'You wanted this,' Light argued, but whatever trance of poor judgement he was in had broken. He didn't move from his position pinned under L's chest, and the elder didn't either.
That had been dangerous. They had come close to breaking, to giving in, and it was imperative that they could never do it again. L knew that if he was given Light like that again, panting and submissive, he wouldn't be able to stop.
0o0o0o
Light adopted L's normal sleeping position-curled up, laying on his side-for the simple reason that he could silently scream inside his head without L seeing it on his face.
Stolen kisses that were never meant to happen, looks and touches and longing. He still wanted L. He couldn't do anything without strings attached.
It was like a spiderweb. The more he struggled to free himself, the more he became entangled with the man with raven-feather hair and abyssal eyes, and all the threads kept crossing in some pattern that made up L, that defined him, and all Light had to do was decipher it.
0o0o0o
Late-night is the time when I become more open to ideas I've oppressed before.
Thank you for getting this far.
:: The sound of conversations on the wind, when every word seems to be your name
-LyingMonsters, the one who wonders too late and too long