THEN THERE WAS LIGHT
CHAPTER 6
"SAM!"
Dean screamed, but was unable to wake.
"Dean? Hey man, I'm here, I'm right here, wake up, okay? Wake up."
Dean struggled and tossed his body in his sleep. Sam removed his hand from Dean's placing both hands on Dean's shoulders to try to calm him, he tried to hold him still so he wouldn't hurt himself. Then, he held Dean's head still for a minute while he tried to thrash it about, moving back to holding his shoulders still, then regained his grip on Dean's hand.
Dean seemed to respond to Sam's touch, but also appeared to be fighting to open his eyes. He still wasn't sure if Dean was fighting to stay asleep or to wake up.
"Hey, Dean, it's me, Sam. Remember me? You know, your brother. I need you to wake up, okay? Please, you've always said you would do anything for me, and I really need you to do this, for me, okay?"
Sam tightened his grip on Dean's hand, praying to anyone out there that would listen, to help his brother wake up.
The panic inside of Dean was rising. He didn't know what way to turn, he didn't know where to go. Fear was gripping him. He was afraid, if he went the wrong way, he would run into the darkness, but if he managed to go the right way, then he would find the light.
He managed to struggle his way away from the gray clouds that suffocated him. Images started swirling around him, making him feel dizzy. They didn't make any sense, didn't have any rhythm to them. They were a mixture of comfort and pain.
"Dean! I thought I told you to make sure this damn place was cleaned before I got back?"
"Yes sir, and I cleaned the weapons you told me to, but, Sam needed help with his homework when I finished that, then after I had him take his bath and fixed his supper, he got sick, and I've been helping him feel better and had to clean his vomit and…"
The hard slap across his face stopped him mid-sentence.
"I don't remember asking you for excuses!" His dad shouted as he pulled his belt loose from his pants.
Dean gulped hard. "No, sir, I'm sorry, sir." His hands were rubbing against his pants, trembling with the certainty of what was coming next.
"Pants down, hands against the wall." It was a direct order that Dean knew not to disobey, or hesitate on following.
The belt hit his skin hard. He already didn't have a shirt on, and his other clothing was dropped to his ankles. He stood, tilted toward the wall, pressing his hands against it to hold himself up. He pushed back the tears that the pain threatened to bring to his eyes with each strike of the belt. He held back the cries of pain that he wanted to allow to escape. If he dad dare see him cry, or express pain, that would only mean more punishment for him.
Once his dad had decided Dean's punishment had been enough, once the blood was running down from the small of his back to his thighs, he ordered him to pull his pants back up and to clean the small one bedroom apartment they had been staying in. Without hesitation, Dean did as he was told.
He was exhausted from the long day he had with a sick Sam, plus the other orders he had to follow out through the day, on top of the physical punishment he just endured, had him working slowly through the night. At times, he fought just to stay awake. He was sure there were times he would stand in the middle of the room, dazed, not moving.
The next memory, he and his dad had just finished a rough hunt. It was the first one that Dean had worked that involved kids. He was used to adults becoming victims of these monsters, but not kids. He took it hard. It made him think of Sammy, and worry about his brother's safety.
John had sent Sam to Bobby's for this hunt, he needed to make sure his youngest son was as far away as possible, and safe. They had managed to find the monster, but they were too late to save its latest victim. There, laying on the ground, was a little blonde headed boy, he was only 6 years old. He never got a chance to experience life. Dean figured that was both a good and bad thing. But, still, he couldn't help but make it personal.
That night, John held Dean in his arms. He was only 13 years old, barely a teenager. John had allowed him to express himself, to let his emotions out that night. He explained to Dean that sometimes, when the hunt is over and everyone is safe, or the monster is killed, that when its been a tough case, it's okay to let your emotions out.
He explained to him that's why he drinks so much, that's his way of dealing with his emotions. But, as a 13 year old boy, Dean's way of dealing was crying in his dad's chest. He released every tear he had ever held in. And, John let him, he held him, and comforted him, allowing him to do what was needed to make it through this hunt.
It was one of the only times he remembers his dad being that comforting. It was one of the only times he remembers his dad being that understanding. His dad expressed love in a way he hadn't done for almost 10 years.
The next memory was of the night Sam left for college. He glanced up, while his dad tied his hands to the bed, he focused on the look in his dad's eyes. The pure hatred, the blame he was placing on Dean, the darkness that filled his dad's eyes was enough to make him shutter. He didn't care what Dean was about to face. He honestly thought his oldest son deserved it.
He thought that allowing his brother to be an individual was a bad enough crime to warrant this type of punishment. Dean had allowed himself to believe it too. It made it easier to deal with the after effects of that night. But, now he realized it was done out of pure hatred, not as a lesson or punishment. Just, for the simple fact, that his dad was pissed and had to drown his emotions in alcohol, and if he was going to get it for free, well that was an offer he couldn't refuse, especially since it really had nothing to do with John.
The next image that he looked at that swirled around him was a comforting one, again. It was Sam, Dean wasn't sure what the memory was, but Sam was laughing, a genuine laugh. He was truly happy. Perhaps, he was laughing at some joke, or something he saw on tv. There was no worry in his eyes, no painful expression on his face, nothing that suggested he was trying to hide any emotions. Just, pure joy and happiness.
He figured Sam was around 14 or 15, he was old enough to have been on hunts himself, yet, something had made him generally happy. That made Dean smile, he was glad to see that even through all the crap they have been through that Sam was still able to find joy in life.
Dean noticed, the majority of his comforting memories were of Sam, and his painful ones were of his dad. Tears welled up in Dean's eyes. His head was swirling. He was dizzy. The images were swirling around him, like he was in the middle of a tornado. A tornado of images of memories, that wouldn't stop. He was in the eye of the storm.
Sam, he needed to get back to Sam. He was the only thing that held him together. He was his 'happy'. But, Dean wasn't sure how. He had lost his way, wasn't sure where he was, or honestly, what was going on. Somehow, he needed to… what was it he needed to do again? He needed to go somewhere… but where? And, why? His head spun faster as he dropped to his knees, no longer able to stand.
He felt like he needed to vomit, but he couldn't. He wasn't able to get enough oxygen into his lungs to vomit. Or, at least that's what it felt like. But, was it real? Was any of this real? What was this? Where was he? He shouldn't be here, he wasn't sure why, but he shouldn't be here. This was wrong.
He noticed another memory, it was an image of the creatures they killed in the cave. The ones that brought on the darkness, and the light. Dean grabbed his head with that memory, the pain that shot through his brain was more than he could handle. With both hands, squeezing the sides of his head, he couldn't hold in the screams of pain.
The pain was accompanied by a loud, squealing noise. It was deafening. He couldn't think, couldn't wrap his head around anything that was happening. The only thing he could think of was that he needed to get away. He wasn't sure what he was trying to get away from, or where he needed to go, but he needed to somehow escape, something.
Sam watched as Dean tossed in his sleep. His heart sunk a little more with each expression of pain that crossed Dean's face. He would calm, then show the signs of uncomfortableness, of pain, only to calm again. The times that each change took place seemed too long, yet, too short at the same time.
It was like his brain kept shifting from one emotion to another, Sam didn't lose contact with him. He held onto Dean tightly. He was afraid of losing him. He was afraid, if he let go, Dean would morph into one of the creatures, right in front of his eyes.
Suddenly, Dean grabbed his head, both hands, flying to each side, squeezing tightly. Sam's hand was lost in the grip between Dean's head and his hand. He could feel the pulse of his heart through the side of his head. Pounding way too fast. He was in a panic.
Dean's screams filled the silence. It was a painful, panic filled, scream. He tightened his hands against his head as his expression showed nothing but pure terror.
"Dean! Oh my god, Dean, please. Dean, wake up for me, please."
Sam wasn't sure if Dean could even hear him, especially over his screams, but it made him feel better, being able to talk to his brother. He thought, maybe if he could just get a simple sound past Dean's mind that it would pull him back, just enough to keep him from turning into something else.
"Dean, I really need you right now, if you can hear me, I need you to come back, okay? I…." The tears filled Sam's eyes. "I need you, I'm alone right now. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me what to do."
Sam felt helpless, hopeless. His brother tossed around, holding his own head, screaming in pain, terror filling his features on his face.
"Shhh, shhh, Dean, it's okay, man, it's okay, I'm right here, it's okay."
Sam wiped the sweat off Dean's forehead as he tried to verbally calm him. He realized his hand was trembling as he wiped his brother's head. The tears started falling down his face, dropping onto the bed beside where Dean's body laid. Sam started to feel sick, like he wanted to vomit. He wasn't sure why, or where it came from. He noticed his brother's breathing become fast and shallow, like he was struggling to breathe.
At the same time, Sam started to feel like the air in room was getting thicker, leaving a heavy feeling surrounding him. He wondered if what he was feeling was anything like Dean was feeling. He figured it probably was. He couldn't come up with any other explanation. Whatever was going on in Dean's head, was strong enough that it was escaping into the room, it was radiating off Dean and onto Sam. Or, they were just that connected. That was a possibility too, Sam guessed. It wouldn't be the first time they had felt each other's emotions.
Sam figured, they had spent enough time together, they were basically carbon copies of each other. Sure, they had their own individuality. Their own little quirks that kept them… well themselves, that made them each who they were. But, the important stuff, they were practically identical. They could carry on an entire conversation without speaking a word.
"That's it!" Sam said out loud, breaking the thoughts in his head. Dean's screams had died down to a whimper. "I've been going about this all wrong." Sam stated again, he wasn't worried about sounding crazy. There was no one around to hear him anyhow. Sam figured, instead of talking to Dean, he needed to use their special code. He needed to communicate without speaking. It was almost scary how well they could hear each other when no one said a word.
'Okay, Dean, you need to hear me.' Sam closed his eyes and started allowing himself to connect to his brother, and his thoughts to bury deep into Dean. 'You need to wake up, brother. I need you. I'm your baby brother, Sam. Remember me? I need you, man. I need you to wake up. You're not safe where you are, and I need you to be safe.'
Sam could feel Dean connecting to him. He couldn't see what Dean was seeing, but he started feeling his emotions. The darkness and the light. The confusion that swam between them. The heartache, and the peacefulness that mixed with each other. It brought tears back to Sam's eyes. He was feeling too overwhelmed.
He started wondering if this was what he really wanted to do, or if it would prove to be too much for him. He hadn't expected the intensity running wild through Dean. 'Yes!' Sam decided, 'I need to do this! I need you back Dean. No matter what I've gotta go through, I know it's worse for you. I'd do anything for you, you know that. Just like, I know you would do anything for me.' Sam allowed himself to connect deeper to Dean, he was hoping that maybe, the intensity he was feeling, was releasing it from Dean.
'Hey, Dean, okay, so… you know the crap you're feeling? Yeah, well, I'm feeling it too. Maybe not as strong as you are, but Its still there, in me. I don't know how much of it I can handle, its intense! If you want me to feel better, if you want it to go away from me, then you gotta wake up. If you'll truly do anything for me, then you'll do this. You'll wake up, make this stop.'
Sam was filled with a heartache he had never felt before. He had this darkness that seemed to fill his chest. He was finding it hard to think straight, the air felt thick, too thick for his lungs. He tightened his grip he had on Dean's hands. The pain in Sam's head was starting to intensify. He wasn't sure when the pain had started, or where it came from. But, it was undoubtedly there. He wondered if that was a bit of what Dean had been feeling.
'Dean, its getting to be too much. I can't… I can't continue this… I can't handle this, man. I need you to make it stop, please, Dean, make it stop.'
Where was he? Where was Dean? Sam's thoughts were getting clouded, he wasn't sure what was happening, what he was doing. He… Dean… he was… doing something with Dean, but, what? Sam couldn't remember. He felt so confused.
'Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean.'
The only thing Sam could seem to get through his thoughts was his brother's name. That was the only thing that was important. 'DEAN!' He wasn't sure why, but in his thoughts, he started shouting his brother's name. He needed to find Dean, but, where was he? Where was Sam supposed to start looking? Or was he supposed to be looking? Maybe Dean was supposed to be finding him? Was Sam lost? Or, was Dean lost?
'Dean, I don't know what's going on, I don't know what's happening. I need you to help me.' Sam's thoughts turned to begging. 'Please, Dean, please. I need your help, I don't know why, but I need you right now, please.'
Sam wasn't sure if he was speaking or thinking, it didn't seem to matter. Nothing else made sense, so why should that? All he was sure of, was that he needed his brother, for some reason, somehow, he need Dean.
Suddenly, without warning, a loud scream filled Sam's head. It wasn't filling his ears, there was no one around him screaming, it was only in his head. Or at least, that's what he could manage to figure out, rather it was truth or not, he wasn't sure. He wasn't completely sure of anything anymore.
Dean's confusion started to calm some, Sam, was Sam there? He felt like Sam was there. Maybe he was going to save him? Maybe Sam was there to rescue him, but, if he was, where was he?
Dean called for him, but couldn't find him anywhere. The pain in his head had lessened since he started sensing his brother. He just wished he could see him. He would feel better if he could. He would feel safe again. That's all he wanted, to feel safe. But, he wasn't even sure where he was at. He wasn't sure what was going on.
All he knew, was that he needed to find Sam. He didn't know how, but he could feel him, somewhere. Could he hear him too? He couldn't make out any words, but he was sure he could hear him. It didn't sound like the same as the sounds from the memories that circled around him. This… this sounded real. It sounded like… like Sam.
"Sam! Sam!" All Dean could seem to do was call his brother's name. Everything else, was a ball of confusion. The only thing he was clear on was his need for Sam.