9 Carry on Wayward Road, Then There Was Light

by skyyador

normal trigger warnings, abuse, rape, language, suicidal ideation. This story is a little less dark, and filled with more light than the others. for those of you who think i've been too hard on John, this will help ease things over. The boys never had an easy life, but what if dean saw things from a different perspective than he had the rest of his life? EDITED minor corrections

7. Chapter 7

THEN THERE WAS LIGHT

CHAPTER 7

Dean tried to reach out, but his arms felt weighed down again. He tried to push the weight away, but it seemed to only hold on tighter.

Sam was holding tight to Dean's hands, keeping the needed connection to try to bring him back. Dean was still fighting, still struggling in his unconscious state, but as he tried to pull his hands away from Sam's, tried to break the contact, Sam just squeezed them tighter, he knew their lives depended on the contact they had managed to gain.

Sam

Sam

Sam

The only word that seemed to be able to come to Dean's mind was "Sam"

Dean

Dean

Dean

The only word that seemed to be able to come to Sam's mind was "Dean"

The weight, the hold… the hold… the hold… it wasn't a weight… it was a hold… something… someone… was holding onto him.

He recognized the feel. He didn't know from where, but it seemed familiar. Too familiar. But, what, or who, was it?

Sam

Sam

Sam

Sam held tightly to Dean's hands, willing him to return to him, willing him to come out of this state of… whatever state Dean was in… darkness? Light? Confusion?

Each time Dean tried to pull away, Sam would hold on tighter. He wasn't about to let his brother go, not like this.

Dean

Dean

Dean

There was a sharp pain. It started in Dean's head and radiated throughout his body. It felt like a lightening strike, mixed with pins and needles that filled his very being.

Sam couldn't hold back the cry of pain, almost losing his grip on Dean, when the pain struck him. It felt like… like a lightening bolt, hitting the top of his head and exiting the souls of his feet. He felt like the prickles of the sparks spread through his body, like they were trying to escape, but was trapped within the walls of his skin.

The air felt heavy, too heavy, he couldn't breathe. He tried, but wasn't having any success.

Dean felt like the jolt of pain caused his lungs to stop working, in a state of panic, he tightened his grip around Sam's hands. He needed to hold onto something. He needed to hold onto Sam.

Dean tried to take a breath, but couldn't. He grabbed onto Sam as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did?

Sam! He was holding onto Sam! His brother was there! He couldn't see him, didn't matter, he could feel him, and they were holding onto each other. At least, if he was unable to take another breath, he wasn't alone. He was able to release some of the fear he had been holding onto. Sam's touch was a comfort.

His touch… his familiar touch… that's what's been holding him down, holding his hands, it was Sam. That's why it felt so familiar. But, why? Why was Sam there? He wasn't supposed to be, hell, Dean wasn't supposed to be there. But, why? Why wasn't he supposed to be there? He couldn't remember.

It wasn't safe. For some reason, Sam said it wasn't safe. It was…. dangerous… it… Damn it! Why couldn't he just remember. Sam… Sam would know. He figured, all he had to do was open his eyes, see Sam, open his mouth and speak. He could ask Sam, find out why he wasn't supposed to be there.

It took way more effort than it should have. Dean had never had to fight so hard to open his eyes, and even through all the fighting and will power, he still wasn't able to open them. But, he couldn't give up. He… he had to… umm… he had to… Sam… he had to ask Sam something… but what?

Maybe it would come back to him later, but whatever it was, required him to open his eyes. Why did he need to open his eyes? What was the purpose in that? Sam…. He needed to see Sam. He needed to ask him something. To… Sam… why was Sam there? Why was Dean holding onto him so tightly? Why was Sam holding onto Dean equally as tight?

Answers, he needed answers, but answers to what? To who he was? To where he was? To what was going on? Sure, all those seemed like logical questions. Questions he should already know the answers to, he supposed. But, he didn't. But, maybe Sam did? Maybe Sam would know… whatever it was… that Dean didn't know.

He continued to fight, just to open his eyes. Then, he realized he still wasn't breathing. How long had he not been breathing? Oh god, his lungs burned with the need for oxygen.

'Open eyes and breathe, Dean, open eyes and breathe.'

He kept repeating to himself over and over again, so he wouldn't forget, like he's been forgetting everything else.

Dean's eyes flew open in a fighting panic. He gasped deeply in an attempt to gain air into his lungs. The shock pulled Sam out of Dean's connection, allowing him the same much needed oxygen.

Both brothers took a moment to catch their breath. Dean sat, wide eyed, panic and fear filling his normally bright green eyes. Sam shook his head, trying to clear the feelings he had just experienced.

Sam looked up at Dean. He appeared confused, lost, like he wasn't sure where he was, or what had just happened. He looked to be on the defense. Like he would kill anything that looked suspicious.

"Hey." Sam said in a quiet, calm voice.

Dean didn't respond.

"Hey." Sam repeated. "Dean? You okay, man?"

This time, Dean moved his eyes to look at Sam, but didn't show any signs of acknowledgment. Sam swore Dean was looking straight through him.

"Dean? Hey, man, you good?"

Dean just stared. And, Sam sighed.

"Okay, well, your eyes are opened, you're awake, back in reality. So, that's good." Sam had started talking to himself again, hoping that something he said would make its way through Dean's brain.

Dean just stared, not sure what he was staring at, but he stared.

"Hey, its okay, Dean. I'm right here. You're okay now."

He gently placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, causing him to startle in surprise, like he didn't even realize anyone else was there with him. He turned his gaze to Sam's eyes, staring directly into his soul.

"Hey." Sam waited to see if Dean would respond. "Dean, I'm right here, man, it's okay, I got you."

Dean's expression softened ever so slightly, confusion taking the place of the defensiveness. He wasn't sure if this was real or not, he still wasn't sure about anything.

"Sss…..sssammy?"

"Yeah, yeah, man, I'm right here. You're gonna be okay, I'm right here."

"Sssammy?"

"Yeah, it's me. I'm right here."

"Ssssammm… whhh… wh…."

"Hey, it's okay, man, don't worry about anything, it's all okay now."

"Where are we?"

"We're in a motel, the same motel we've been in for the past few days."

Dean's brows crinkled with confusion as he glanced around the room. Nothing seemed to look familiar to him.

Dean shook his head. "No, this… this isn't right."

"What isn't, Dean?"

"We… we aren't supposed to be here… we haven't been here." Dean paused, glancing around again. "This isn't real, it's just a… a… memory?"

"Noooo, Dean. It's real, trust me. Why aren't we supposed to be here?"

"We…we…. Or, me? I don't know… I remember… a cave? We're… I'm… supposed to be in… a cave?"

"Oh, like hell you are!" Sam protested. "I'd be damned if you turn into one of those damn cave creatures. We've discussed this already. You're not supposed to be in a cave, Dean. You're supposed to be right here, with me."

Dean looked surprised at Sam's response. "Cave, what?"

Sam hesitated for a moment. "Cave creature?" Unsure if that's what he had called them or not.

Dean just nodded. "I'm a creature?"

"NO!" Sam sounded a bit more harsh than he meant to.

"Okay." Dean replied, sheepishly.

"Sorry, its just… well we've had this conversation."

"I don't remember."

"You were attacked. Yes, we were in a cave, and yes it was by some creatures who lived in the cave. And, somehow when they attacked you they… infected?... you. And are trying to turn you into one of them, by this darkness and this light and making you sleep and not want to wake up, or maybe, now I'm wondering, if its not only just 'want' but maybe they are making it to where you literally can't wake up?"

Dean looked double confused. "I… I remember the darkness… it… it was scary. I don't like the darkness. I don't like the feeling." Dean paused to gather his thoughts. "The light… I didn't mind the light, it felt nice, it was a happy place, but… then… I don't know, something changed."

Dean's body tensed up, he seemed to close in on himself. His body started trembling. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to remember the memories. Tears filled his eyes as the trembling in his body turned to shakes.

"Something is wrong, Sam. Something isn't right. I don't know what, but, I don't feel right."

"Okay, Dean, I need for you to tell me exactly what you are feeling, what doesn't feel right?"

Dean paused, taking inventory of himself. "I… I feel, wrong, like…" He rubbed his hands up and down his own body. "Like I'm the wrong person? In the wrong body?" He crinkled his forehead. "Does that even make sense?"

"I mean, nothing has made sense lately, but, what body do you feel like you should be in?"

"I don't know."

"The one living in the cave?" Sam asked, concerned that his reply wasn't going to be one he liked.

"Yeah, I guess." Dean's frustration grew. "I don't know, I really don't!"

"It's okay, Dean. Just stay calm, okay? We'll figure this out."

Dean nodded his head. "Sssam.."

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

"It's going to be okay." Sam grasped Dean's trembling hand.

"I don't want to go back there, please, Sam don't make me go back." Dean's voice was trembling.

"Dean, I'm not going to make you go back anywhere. I need you to stay right here, with me."

Dean nodded, agreeing that's where he wanted to be, as a tear slipped from his eye and ran down his cheek.

"Hey." Sam said calmly, rubbing his thumb on Dean's hand as he continued to hold on to it. "I got you, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I pulled you out of there once, and I'll do it again if I need to."

Sam couldn't help but notice how child like Dean was, and the fact he was wrapping his free hand into the edge of Sam's shirt again, didn't help him look any less childish.

"Sam, I don't want you to go where I was, ever. Please! Don't go there, its… its scary, really, really scary."

"Yeah, Dean. I know. I connected with you, to pull you out of there, and just what I felt, was so overwhelming I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I honestly, couldn't even begin to imagine what you were feeling, or how you were able to handle it."

Dean just shrugged his shoulders, continuing to wrap his fingers in the edge of Sam's shirt. He had also started intertwining his fingers into Sam's with the hand that Sam was holding.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam was sincerely concerned that what Dean had just experienced was still having a strong negative effect on him.

Again, Dean just shrugged his shoulders. Sam could see how Dean kept folding in on himself, like he was trying to escape everything, including himself.

"Hey." Sam spoke as gentle as he could, trying not to spook his brother or let his concern show. "Talk to me, what's going on? What are you feeling?"

Dean's eyes looked wild when he raised his head to look at this brother. They were wild and wet with unshed tears. The fear, or was it pain? Sam guessed a mixture of both, was evident on his face. What had Dean just went through? And, was he able to come out of this without permanent damage?

He wondered if there was any way to stop the effects of the curse, or was his brother doomed to become one of those things. Was Sam going to have to kill his own brother? He shook his head, mentally shaking the thoughts from his mind. There was no way he was going to allow that to happen. No matter what it took, he was going to protect Dean from that fate.

Sam looked deep into Dean's wild looking eyes, searching for even the smallest sliver of the brother he knew and loved. He wasn't sure, but, he didn't seem to be able to find anything. He knew, in normal circumstances he would tell his brother to rest, that he would feel better when he woke, but sleep is what caused this, so that was out of the question.

Dean hadn't spoken. His wild eyes panned the room, like he was looking for something, for something that was threatening to cause harm.

"Dean." Sam spoke again, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. "You're okay. There's no one here but you and me, and I'm not going to let anything hurt you. You're safe right now. It's okay, you can relax, just calm down, okay?"

Dean's body seemed to relax some, his tense muscles loosened. The tight grip he had on Sam's shirt and hand had released some pressure.

"You… you sure?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm sure. And, before you ask, yes, this is real. Where you were just at, that wasn't real. Well, the memories, I guess, at least part of them, were real, I don't know, I'm not entirely sure what you were seeing. But, I know where you were at, that darkness and light, it wasn't real. It wanted to pull you in, to make you part of it, to change you into what it wanted. But, this…" Sam panned his hand around the room. "This is real, I'm real."

Dean just nodded his head. He wasn't completely sure, but he knew he could trust his brother, and even if it wasn't real, he was okay with that, as long as Sam was with him.

"The…" Dean started to talk, stuttering with hesitation in his voice. "Thhh… the memories…. Wwwww were they real?"

"I don't know, I'm going to say yes. The memories themselves were real, I know that. But, I'm not sure what you saw in them, they may have…" Sam had to think of the words to use. "Intensified… some parts of it, like the emotional parts, making them worse or better, depending on what it wanted, that part, I'm not sure about. But, yes, the actual events that took place in your memories were real."

Dean just nodded his head, letting Sam know he understood what he was saying. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are they, or it, or whatever, why is this happening? Why are they doing this?"

"From what I could figure out, it's an old curse, one that was created with black magic, and you and me, we killed the creatures who were protecting it, so they infected you with the 'protect the curse juice' and, so, the curse is trying to turn you into what we killed so you can protect the curse, and I'm sure that if you turned then you would work on turning others, probably starting with me."

"So, why don't we destroy the curse?"

"Well, we've destroyed parts of it, but it's going to take a spell to completely destroy it, and to be honest I haven't exactly had the time, or energy to find anyone who can help with that. I mean, I've kinda been busy with you." Sam gave Dean a smile that said he would sacrifice everything else as long as it meant keeping his brother safe.

"Sam, I really, really, don't want to go back to where I was. I don't ever want to feel that again. Overwhelming, doesn't even begin to describe it. It's like, the worst fear, and pain, and panic, and happiness, and comfort, and warmth, and cold, and confusion…. Like it's all bundled together, the most intense emotion of each, together, overwhelming? I don't know if that's even a close assessment."

Dean paused, he wiped the tears that had been falling down his face since he started talking. "I don't ever want to feel that again, please, Sam, you have to help me. You have to do something." In a childlike tone, Dean was begging Sam to help him, to save him.

Sam's heart shattered under his brother's words. "Yeah, I will. But, I need you to stay awake this time, okay? No matter what, you gotta stay awake!"

Dean nodded his head.

"You're soaked in sweat, dude. I think you need to hit the shower, and put on some clean clothes, you kind of stink." Sam winked and grinned at Dean. His way of changing the subject, distracting Dean's mind and doing something to keep himself awake.

"Yeah, whatever." Dean replied. "By the way, you look like shit!" He smirked back at Sam, the old Dean reappearing with the movement and change in mindset.

Dean ducked just in time to dodge the pillow that flew across the room, aiming for his head.

"Dude! Just go shower." Sam suggested.

While Dean was in the shower, Sam took the opportunity to breathe a sigh of relief, then he started looking for someone who could summon a spell to stop the curse. He made a few phone calls to people he knew and was given some suggestions on people to contact. He knew Dean was right, they needed to destroy this curse. Sam wasn't sure if destroying it would cure his brother, but it would keep others from becoming its next victim.

Dean came out of the bathroom, looking a lot better than when he went in. He had on clean clothes, the sweat that once beaded his face and hair was gone, washed away. He had shaved, his hair wasn't a mess anymore. His eyes were back to the green they were supposed to be. They weren't as bright as they usually are, but they weren't wild looking either, so, Sam was satisfied with that.

Dean sat on the edge of his bed, across from Sam. He wasn't sure what to do or how he was supposed to act. This uncomfortable feeling was something he never liked.

"Feeling better?" Sam asked, looking up from his laptop.

"Yeah."

Sam nodded. "Good, I'm going to go shower now." He stood and started gathering his clothes. "You hungry?"

Dean shrugged his shoulders, even though Sam wasn't even looking at him. "I don't know, I guess, maybe."

Sam nodded his head. "Okay, we'll go grab something after I'm done." He turned and looked at Dean. "Oh, and Dean, this is important okay? You need to stay awake, whatever you do, DO NOT fall asleep while I'm in the shower got it?"

Dean nodded. "Got it."

"Good, oh and I've made some phone calls to some people, left some messages, so if anyone calls me back, I need to know immediately, okay? Even if you have to interrupt my shower, I need to know, immediately."

"Got it!" Dean said a little irritated that his brother felt the need to repeat the fact he needed to know immediately, but, he could also understand. It's not like Dean's head has been in the right place lately. He wouldn't doubt it if he forgot what his brother had said before he ever closed the bathroom door.

'Can't sleep, can't sleep, phone, immediately, stay awake, don't sleep.'

Dean repeated the same thoughts through his head, over and over, while Sam was in the bathroom. He paced the floor, back and forth, at the foot of the beds.

'can't sleep, can't sleep, phone, immediately, stay awake, don't sleep.'

He was never more relieved to see Sam reenter the room. He practically ran to his brother's side, making sure everything was okay, making sure he, himself, was okay. Showing Sam, he hadn't fallen asleep.

"Space, dude!" Sam said, taking a step back away from Dean.

Dean hadn't even realized he was practically pushed against Sam's body. That's where he wanted to be, where he needed to be, so, that's where he placed himself, against his brother, giving himself the much needed contact he longed for.

"Ready?" Sam asked, not saying any more about the lack of space between him and Dean. He was honestly just glad his brother was awake and back with him. He figured, the effects of what had happened, he could deal with later.

"For what?" Dean sounded confused.

"Food."

"Oh, yeah, that, yeah, ready."

Sam just nodded, grabbed his phone off charge and the keys to the car. "I'm driving." It was more of a statement, one Dean knew not to argue with. Besides, he knew he was in no shape to drive.

The brothers walked out of the motel room, closing the door behind them. They were only going for food, but it felt like more than that, it felt like this was their weak attempt at a moment of normal in their lives of chaos.