THEN THERE WAS LIGHT
CHAPTER 10
Dean had tried to make the best of his situation. He joked about how he now had superpowers. He was able to stay awake forever! Sam couldn't do that, he wasn't as cool as Dean was. His comments, of course, did nothing but give him a much deserved eye roll from his younger brother.
Dean's restless energy was wearing him thin, that combined with the fever and nausea had him regretting his new superpowers. Sam had tried to get him to eat, but Dean wasn't very interested in food. He would take all the cool fluids his stomach would allow him to handle. He vomited, thick black goo, he figured it was the stuff he drank earlier, but half joked about it being the darkness, he told Sam, soon he would be vomiting light too.
By the end of the first day he was seriously starting to hate this idea. He wanted to sleep, wanted to let the day wash away, but he couldn't, which made for a much longer night than he anticipated, but, even though he was feeling miserable, the images of the memories hadn't gotten unbearable, so he allowed Sam to sleep while he could. Dean had no doubt that things would be getting worse and his brother needed to get all the sleep he could, because Dean would be needing him.
As the sun rose, marking the end of the first night, Dean's images had gotten worse. They weren't so much dark as the fact they were coming so fast his mind couldn't separate them, making it impossible to know what belonged where in the memory bank.
"Sammy?"
Dean had known his brother was still asleep, but for some reason, he wanted him to wake up, he felt like he needed him. But, he wasn't ready to admit that quite yet, so he figured he could wake his brother without his brother realizing his purpose.
"Hmmm?" Sam mumbled, only partly woken by Dean calling for him.
"You awake?"
Sam forced his eyes opened. "Yeah, yeah, I am now, what'cha need?"
He was up and ready to be there for his brother in a heartbeat. But, Dean wasn't sure how to tell him he just needed his brother's company.
"Some water?"
Sam gave Dean a scowled look. "Seriously? You woke me up for that?"
Dean gave him a sheepish look. "You told me not to get up on my own if I'm feeling dizzy."
"Dizzy, right." Sam reminded himself what he had said as he got up to get his brother some more water. He sat on the edge of Dean's bed as he handed him the glass. "You doing okay?"
Dean just shrugged.
Sam placed a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder, he didn't expect what happened next. When Sam touched Dean, there was a slight shock, like static electricity, and Sam grab a glance of Dean's memory that flashed through his head at the moment of the touch.
There was a young, little Dean standing in front of Sam. He looked so cute, and innocent, he was cute, that's for sure! He had long shaggy hair, with big round, bright green eyes. He was looking timid, almost like he was either afraid or unsure of something.
Sam looked around and saw they were at Bobby's house. Dean had to have been around 6 or 7 years old, and Sammy was standing beside him, holding his hand tightly. He was only around 2 or 3. Bobby walked in the room, he had a bright smile on his face.
"I don't know much about taking care of young ones, but, I figure, together we'll figure it out."
Dean just nodded, and squeezed Sam's hand tighter.
"You boys want something to eat?"
"YES!" Sammy piped up, excitedly, he was always so excited about the little things.
Dean just shrugged his shoulders.
The boys followed Bobby into his kitchen while he fixed them both a grilled cheese sandwich.
"Uncle Bobby?" Dean's voice sounded shaky, like he was almost afraid to talk.
"Yeah?"
"How long did Dad say he was going to be gone?"
"He said it should be just a couple of days, I sure hope that idjit wasn't lying, like I said, I don't know much about taking care of young 'uns."
Dean just nodded and thanked Bobby as he sat the sandwiches in front of them.
"Is… is there a place… we can sleep? or do we need to make a bed on the floor?"
Bobby chuckled. "No, boy, you two ain't gotta sleep on the floor, I've got a spare room upstairs, you don't mind sharing a bed, do you?"
"No sir."
Sam didn't speak, he just shoved his mouth full of food.
"Dee, I'm seepppyyy." Sam whined after he finished eating.
"You need a bath first." Dean reminded him.
Bobby's eyes widened. "I don't do baths, kid."
"I've got this." Dean interrupted as he pushed his way away from the table. "I'm going to go start his water, then I'll come back and clean the dishes."
"I've got the dishes, kid, that ain't your job."
Dean just nodded, not sure how to respond to that. everything was always his job, no one else did it. "I don't mind." Dean finally spoke, making sure he wouldn't get in trouble for not cleaning the kitchen.
"I said, I got it. You just worry about taking care of your brother. I ain't never had one so young around."
"Yes sir." Dean replied. "Come on, Sammy, its bath time." Sammy took his hand and followed his brother to the bathroom, where Dean helped him bathe and get ready for bed.
Sam insisted, before he could go to bed, he had to tell Uncle Bobby night.
"You don't even know him!" Dean protested, but that didn't seem to matter.
Sam jumped up and ran downstairs. He ran up to Bobby and wrapped his little arms around his waist, giving him a big hug. "Night Uncle Bobby!" Sam said in the cutest, most loving little voice. Dean had followed him down the stairs, but didn't get as close to Bobby as Sam did. Bobby's eyes welled up with tears. "Night little guy." He replied. He then looked up at Dean.
He figured, Dean had 'hunter' written all over him. He was paranoid of strangers and strange places. He wouldn't get too close or allow anyone to touch him. He kept his distance, keeping his exits clear for escape, if needed. He was overly aware of his surroundings.
"Night Dean." Bobby said from a distance.
"Good night, Uncle Bobby." Dean said, more as a necessary reply than an actual need to tell him good night. "Come on, Sammy, let's get to bed."
"Okay, dee!" Sam gave Bobby one last squeeze then bounced away and up the stairs with Dean.
Sam realized, that was the first time they had met Bobby, and their dad had left them with a complete stranger. Well, he may not have been a stranger to Dad, but he was to the boys. At least their dad knew that Bobby was someone he could trust with the boys, and he had become family over the years.
With a jerk, Sam pulled his hand away from Dean. It had only been a matter of seconds, but it felt like much longer to Sam.
"You okay?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, I'm… uh, I'm good."
"Do you see them?"
"Yeah, I did, when I touched you, just then."
Dean nodded. "They aren't bad, not yet anyhow, they're just… overwhelming… there's so many of them, and they come so fast. They aren't in any order or anything, they just come."
"Yeah, when you were asleep, and wouldn't wake up, before I called Wild Horse, I couldn't get you to wake up, so I connected to you, through our thoughts, our minds. You know, you and I, we have crazy ways of connecting sometimes." Sam chuckled at that. 'crazy' didn't even begin to describe the relationship the brothers had.
"So, when I connected, I tried to pull you away from there, and… well, I couldn't see anything, but I could feel it, you know. Probably not as strong as you were feeling it, but, it was really overwhelming for me, and the emotions were running wild. I… I honestly, wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the feeling, but I managed to and I also managed to somehow pull you out of there."
"The feelings suck!" Dean admitted.
"Yeah, they did."
"That's the good thing, right now, the memories, the images, are coming so fast that I can't connect the feelings with them. I mean, they are there, and they are intense, but… not really connected to anything imparticular, so, it makes it a little easier, I guess."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I mean, I figure whatever helps make it easier for you is a good thing, right?"
"Yes. But, I have a feeling it's just going to get worse, it has been, just not to the point I can't handle it… yet."
Sam nodded his head. "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
"Can you make me sleep?"
"You know I can't."
"Yeah, I know, I'm just… I feel so exhausted, and it's making it hard to think straight."
"I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do."
"Could you… stay here?"
"I'm right here, Dean."
Dean nodded. "I mean, like stay here, here, I… I don't want to be alone."
"I won't leave you, I promise."
Dean just nodded, he knew he couldn't expect Sam to stay in constant contact with him, that's what he wanted, but it would be selfish for him to try to ask Sam for that.
Sam got up, used the bathroom and filled Dean's glass.
"Hey, you okay?" Sam asked when he returned, seeing Dean's facial expression had him a little concerned.
"Yeah." Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm good, I… I feel a little… okay, a lot… hot, and tired."
Sam felt his brother's head, feeling the heat coming from him again. He retrieved the medicine to help bring the fever down and gave it to Dean. "How's the nausea?"
"It's okay right now."
"Okay, good, how's the lightheaded, dizziness?"
"Comes and goes."
Sam nodded, he wasn't sure what to ask or how to handle what was going on. He felt just as lost as Dean did.
Silence filled the air, Sam was sitting beside Dean and had attempted to stand, to move back to his bed, but Dean placed his hand on Sam's leg.
"Don't go… please?"
Sam sat back down. "Okay, I'm right here, I won't go anywhere."
After a moment longer Sam spoke again. "I'm just going to grab my pillows off my bed, so I can make myself comfortable beside you, okay?"
Sam made sure his brother knew what he was doing, and why, and that he was okay with the fact he was getting up, but not leaving him.
Dean nodded. His mind was starting to trail away.
Sam piled his pillows against Dean's headboard, and leaned back against them, beside Dean, allowing their shoulders to barely touch, still leaving a little distance for personal space, if that was even possible these days.
Dean appreciated Sam's attempts at making him feel more comfortable, but he was also concerned that Sam's touch would bring on more images in his head, and the last thing Dean wanted to do was hurt his brother with his images.
"Hey, what did you see?" Dean asked, needing to know if it was something that was hurting his brother.
"I think it was the first time we met Bobby. Dad, I guess, dropped us off there for him to take care of us while he did… I don't know… what ever he did those days?"
"Was it a good memory?"
"It wasn't a bad one, if that's what you're asking. Actually, it was an okay memory, found it kind of funny how bashful you were, especially around Bobby. And I insisted on giving him a hug before bed."
Dean laughed. "I remember that. The look on his face, I couldn't laugh about it then, but I did later. He didn't know what to do when you ran to him and wrapped yourself around him. He gave me a look, pleading for help, unsure of what he was supposed to do."
Sam laughed at what Dean had said, he could imagine that type of response from Bobby.
"Dad apologized later." Dean admitted.
"What?"
"After he left us with Bobby, he apologized, he said it wasn't fair that he left us with a stranger, that he should have introduced him to us before he just left us, but that he trusted him, and knew we would be safe."
"He apologized?" Sam sounded surprised.
"Yeah, he did that, a few times. More when we were younger. The older we got, I guess he just figured it went without saying. I mean, I know he loved us, I've told you that over and over again, and I honestly don't think he meant to be hateful, but, well, I think he just got too overwhelmed."
Sam just gave Dean a twisted look, he had heard Dean's excuses before.
"Sam, just listen to me, please."
"Okay."
"I saw it, when I was in the light. The feelings, the look in Dad's eyes. He showed so much regret, so much sorrow. It was like it was a feeling of pure overwhelmed, uncertainty, that came from him. I'm sure there was no way in hell that finding out your wife died because of a demon, and then, finding out there's people out there who hunt these demons, and more, that the monsters under the bed are real, and having to figure out how to handle it all, and take care of it, all while raising 2 young boys. I mean, you gotta admit, it wasn't easy for you when you found out, could you imagine being in Dad's shoes and find that out?"
Sam just gave Dean a look of sorrow, understanding what he was saying.
"I promise you, Sam, I felt it, and saw the shame and guilt in his eyes. It was like he didn't want to do the things he did, but… I don't know… like he didn't have a choice. Like, he thought he was really doing what was best. And, I know the alcohol didn't help any, and I'll admit, there were times, I know, I saw pure hatred in his eyes, even maybe a little joy from the pain? But, as a hunter, I think we've all been there before."
"Yeah, I think you're right, we have."
"I mean, who knows, maybe he was possessed by something in those times?"
Sam just shrugged his shoulders.
"But, Sam, I promise you, he loved us, both of us."
"I, honestly, don't doubt, that at some point he loved us more than anything else, but I guess, the hardness of the hunting life changed that."
"Maybe? I mean, we all know how much this life can change us, harden us."
"Yeah."
"Hey, Sam, could you imagine having kids, right now, with us?"
Sam chuckled. "Dude, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have a few kids out there."
"Not funny!"
"Yeah, it's a little funny."
Dean just rolled his eyes. "I mean, could you imagine having to raise a kid, right now, with the life we live and all the crap we've been through over the past few years?"
"I'd imagine it wouldn't be easy."
"Yeah, and I'd imagine it wasn't easy for Dad either."
Sam nodded his head, agreeing with dean's statement.
"Dad wasn't always perfect." Dean continued. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't stop talking, it was like, maybe his body was trying to make sense of everything and thought it had to do something to stay awake.
"He always believed in corporal punishment, I mean, he was a marine, so I guess it came natural. But, he carried some of that over into the family too. And, he always had this anger, that would make me cringe. I never dreamed he would hurt me the way he did, but I was always scared of his anger. So was Mom. She would shy away from him too. I always tried to be there for her, making sure she knew she was loved no matter what."
"Have you always been covering for Dad? Making excuses for him? Cleaning up his messes?"
Dean shrugged. "I guess, if that's the way you want to look at it, but I don't know, I just look at it as being a good son, and loving my family."
"You know that's horse shit, right?"
Dean laughed in his delirious state caused by lack of sleep. "Horse shit? Did Wild Horse shit while he was here?"
Sam rolled his eyes. "And, the fun begins!" He mumbled under his breath.
Sam noticed, Dean's hand raised to the side of his head, and rubbed at this temple, like he was fighting off a headache that was starting. He rubbed the palms of his hands against his eyes, and sighed.
"Getting worse?" Sam questioned.
Dean didn't answer his question, he just gazed off in front of him. "You better get some more sleep while you have the chance." He suggested.
"Getting that bad, huh?"
Dean nodded lightly, before turning to his side and vomiting into the trashcan.
"Any light in there yet?" Sam joked, hoping to lighten things up a little for Dean.
"No, just the darkness." He replied, as he laid his head back against the pillows.
Sam got up, filled Dean's glass again, and gave him some more medicine to help the fever and nausea. After Dean took the meds and drank the water, Sam refilled the glass, offering it to Dean again. He finished half of it before he was finished. Sam filled it the rest of the way and sat it on the table beside Dean before making his way back to the side of the bed that he figured he'd be spending a lot of time at.
"You hungry?" Sam offered, knowing Dean would refuse, and he did. "I'm, uh, I'm getting kinda hungry, you sure you don't want anything?"
Dean shook his head but then realized he had asked Sam not to leave him, which means he hadn't gone anywhere to get anything to eat today either. He suddenly felt guilty for making his brother starve.
"Go, get you something to eat, I'm sure you need the fresh air anyhow."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, and hey, Sam, could you bring me back some Gatorades or something like that? To keep some nutrition in me? And, maybe something cold, like popsicles?"
Sam just smiled at Dean. "Sick, fever induced food, got it, anything else?"
Dean shook his head no and sighed as Sam closed the door behind him. Sam promised he would be as quick as he could, and if Dean needed anything at all, to call him, and he'd come right back. He reminded Dean he was only a phone call away before he left, but it didn't help Dean feel any more secure.
In fact, he felt panic rise in him once his brother was gone. He hadn't noticed how much Sam kept him grounded. How much he needed his little brother right now. He couldn't do this on his own, that he was sure of. He was already starting to find it hard to deal with, and the lack of sleep was looming over him. But, Sam kept him comfortable and gave him security. Security that he wishes was still in the room with him, at that moment.