This chapter may make some of you kind of unhappy. But I tried to keep it truthful to how I see these characters in this particular fan fic. I want to reassure you again, that I love my Happily Darvey Ever After, but we have to have some turmoil before we get there. g I hope you enjoy this chapter for the insight I'm hoping it will give into "my Harvey's" state of mind. As always, all reviews are greatly appreciated. Even if it's just to tell me I suck for this chapter. Lol! Thanks for reading!

Harvey stood in his old office. Exactly in the middle. Donna stood outside, in front of her old desk.

Harvey tried to call her to come inside. He needed her. He needed her so badly.

No matter how hard he tried, however, nothing would come out of his mouth. Not her name, not a yell, not a murmur.

She stood there staring at him for hours. Finally, when he was unable to tell her how badly he needed her, she turned and walked away.

He fell to his knees then, still unable to go after her, still desperate for her to stay.

Her voice echoed around him.

Harvey. You're hurting me. I'm done.
Harvey.

Harvey.

"Harvey!"

Harvey woke slowly, completely lost as to what was happening. Where was Donna? Had she left? Could he speak?

Before the answer to any of the questions could be found, a wave of nausea hit him and his head suddenly felt like someone had cleaved it in two.

Harvey sat up straighter on his couch and took very deep breaths. When he no longer felt there was an immediate danger of projectile vomiting he cracked open one eye. The cheery sunshine streaming in his living room windows made him slam it shut again and bring a hand to his forehead with a deep groan.

The same light British accent that had woken him, spoke again. "Harvey. My god, what happened?"

Harvey scowled, his eyes still tightly closed. "I got drunk."

Paula's voice was dry. "Well, yes I'd deduced that much for myself, funnily enough. The empty whiskey bottle sitting on your coffee table was a good indicator. I meant, since when do you get drunk?"

Harvey felt the couch seat shift slightly as she sat down beside him. The tiny movement set his stomach roiling and he knew he wouldn't escape sickness this time. He ran to his bathroom, barely making it and making his head ache so badly that when he was done throwing up he thought he might be sick all over again.

He downed three glasses of water and two pain killers. He also brushed his teeth and poured cool water over his head. He felt mildly human by the time he went back out to face Paula.

She'd brewed a pot of coffee and made some toast. "Here, this should help a bit."
He sat down at the island in his kitchen and took a few sips of coffee and a bite of toast to give himself some time to think.

"What happened, Harvey? I don't think I've ever known you to lose control like that." Paula asked, gesturing to the empty bottle on the table and the overturned tumbler that had landed on the floor at some point.

Harvey grimaced and took another sip of coffee. He gave a half truth. "Jessica told me to take her name off the wall. She's gone for good now."

Paula's face crumpled up in sympathy. "Oh, Harvey." She reached out and covered his hand where it rested on the counter. "I'm so sorry. No wonder you were so upset."

Harvey looked into Paula's light blue eyes, filled with concern and kindness and he felt a pit open in his stomach. Guilt rushed in to flood it.

"What can I do to help?" She asked squeezing his hand gently.

Harvey just shook his head, lowering his gaze to his plate in an attempt to hide any guilt showing on his normally perfect poker face.

He tapped the plate with a piece of toast. "This was a huge help, really. I feel a million times better." He lied. "Now, I'm just going to take a very long shower and I'll be a hundred percent."

He chanced catching her gaze to give her the best smile he could muster. "I'm sorry I forgot about our breakfast date. Can I make it up with dinner tonight?" Maybe by then he would have figured out what the hell to do and what to tell her.

"I can't tonight, I have a late client. But can we try for tomorrow?" Paula asked as she slung her purse over her shoulder and prepared to leave.

"Sure." Harvey said trying not to show how relieved he was to get an extra day reprieve.

Paula leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Harvey's lips. She started to pull away, but Harvey grabbed the back of her neck, deepening the kiss. He kissed her long and slow, desperate to feel even a ghost of what he'd felt with Donna. After a few moments he pulled away.

The kiss was nice. Paula was beautiful and a good kisser. But that's where it ended. There was no fiery passion, no desperate need to explore every inch of her skin with his tongue, or sink his body so deeply into hers that they melded into one. Nothing even close. It was pleasant, and that was all.

As he ended the kiss Paula looked up at him slightly dazed, eyes dilated with desire. More piercing guilt stabbed him. He shouldn't have done that. Paula clearly wasn't feeling the same underwhelming feelings he was. But he'd just had to know what his true feelings were for the woman he'd committed himself to.

"I'm sorry, Harvey. I just had to know."

Shit. He understood now.

Paula cleared her throat and smiled at him, straightening. "And on that note, I'll see you tomorrow evening." She said, walking to his door and giving a wave.

Harvey sat on his bar seat another ten minutes, his coffee going cold and his toast hardening.

He knew now that he wanted Donna utterly and completely. But what would that do to them? He meant what he'd told her when he said he'd always chosen to have her in his life, over having her in his bed. Sex could ruin everything.

For one thing, if it was discovered that they were sleeping together, it was sure to add more fuel to the bullshit rumours Malik had hinted at, that Donna was sleeping her way to the top. He didn't want to tear apart her budding COO career before it had even really begun. She was incredible at her job, and she loved it. Would he ruin all that for her?

And what were the chances things between him and Donna could ever remain nothing more than co-workers with benefits. They had too many years and too many feelings between them for it to be that simple.

Simple. Paula was simple. She didn't make him constantly terrified of losing her. She didn't make him feel like he was going to implode if he didn't get his hands on her. She didn't constantly invade his dreams, teasing and taunting until he woke up in a sweat, body aching for her touch.

It was uncomplicated and easy with Paula. If he was honest, he knew that was the reason he'd stayed with her for as long as he had. She was a good companion and easy company.

Donna was a piece of him. He needed her like he needed breath.

That incredible realization terrified him beyond anything he'd ever experienced. As always, his worst fear came screaming in to protest that realization.

What would happen if they tried to be more and it didn't work out?

Like credits at the end of a movie, all the names of the women he'd been with over the years rolled past his mind's eye. It was a scrolling list of failure.

And the common denominator in all of those failures was him. From the recesses of his memory Louis' voice came forward.
"There is something wrong with you!"

He'd said it the day after Harvey had punched him and thrown him into a coffee table. Harvey had cut off Louis' words, but the truth was he'd always thought Louis was right. There was something wrong with him.

He may have started to patch things up with his Mom (thanks only to Donna) but he knew a lot of the issues he'd dealt with from his childhood were still there inside him.

The feeling of being abandoned and betrayed by his mother, being afraid to show his real emotions, needing to appear impenetrable, unshakable, these emotions were still there. And while therapy had helped him to see them, identify them, he still had no idea how to deal with them.

He would screw things up with Donna. He would hurt her. He'd break her somehow. He knew it.

His head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, and he dropped it into his hands.

He couldn't be with Donna. He couldn't live without her.

He dragged himself to his feet and wobbled towards the shower. What the hell was he supposed to do with that conclusion?

So, again, thanks for reading. Hopefully you don't hate what I've done with Harvey and Paula in this chapter. I actually really like Paula – not with Harvey, of course! – and I definitely liked her better before they got together, but I do like her. Plus, if I made her a villain it would be too easy for Harvey to dump her and move on. But he's with her for a reason, and I tried to explore those reasons here. Hope you could enjoy it. I promise there will be lots of Darvey in the next chapter.