Chapter 19: You're Here Now

When Kakashi knocked on Kurenai's door, Kohana didn't expect Asuma to answer, his posture slightly defensive due to the late hour. Embarrassment coursed through her and she dearly hoped they hadn't interrupted them. Kakashi gestured for Asuma and they both shifted to the right and spoke in low voices that Kohana couldn't make out. Shortly after, Asuma strolled back into the apartment, returning with Kurenai behind him. Kohana threw her an apologetic glance, but she only smiled kindly.

Kakashi spoke, "Kohana, I'll pick you up tomorrow."

She muttered tiredly, "We should go back." Kurenai laughed, "Don't worry, Kohana." With a quick look towards Asuma, she added a little shyly, "I guess I have some things I need to tell you."

Kohana and Asuma switched places and everyone bid each other goodnight. The door closed, and Kohana turned to face Kurenai's tidy apartment. She apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interfere."

Kurenai brought her a glass of water and sat down on the black sofas. Kohana did the same and faced the window where several pots of flowers were perched, the green leaves glinting in the moonlight.

"It's not a problem. Asuma and I have been together for a while. You're the last to find out."

"I see. Congratulations", she offered, not knowing what else to say. Her eyes felt heavy and she longed for a bed.

Kurenai smiled, "You look like you need some sleep. We can talk tomorrow. Come, I'll show you the guest bedroom."

When Kohana awoke the next morning, she could smell several mouth-watering flavors wafting through the door. She quickly brushed her teeth with ambled into the kitchen where Kurenai was busy making pancakes.

"You're awake! It's nearly 10:00 am." Kurenai turned off the stove, and plated Kohana's breakfast. The both of them ate silently. As Kohana picked at her pancakes with a fork, she pondered when Kurenai would sprout the question about last night's incident. Kakashi probably told Asuma everything.

She was right. Just after Kohana finished her last bite, Kurenai launched the conversation.

"Asuma told me about last night."

Kohana sighed, "I wasn't trying to commit suicide." The word tasted funny in her mouth, and it scared her that it looked like that to everyone else.

"Maybe so. It was still dangerous, though. If Kakashi wasn't there…", she stopped abruptly.

Kohana finished the thought for her, "I would probably be dead by now."

There was a moment of silence before Kurenai spoke again.

"I'm glad the both of you are getting along. All of us thought you would never come back. You didn't even tell us you were leaving."

Kurenai sounded hurt, and Kohana rushed to give an explanation. After Rin, Kurenai was one of her closest friends.

"I was six years old when Obito found me on the streets. He took me to his home where I lived with him and his grandmother. He loved me like an older brother; those were the happiest days of my life. When he died, I was devastated. And then after Rin and Minato sensei… I just thought it would be better for me to leave all of this behind. I never meant to hurt any of you."

"I know. Please don't be offended. Did you think about Kakashi, though? You weren't the only who lost them."

Kohana half-smiled, and traced her finger over the wooden creases on the table. She said, "I was judgmental towards him, wasn't I? I was also very young, blinded by my own emotions. Still, that doesn't excuse how I've treated him…especially after all that he's done for me."

Kurenai nodded and took their plates to the sink. As she rinsed them, she explained,"He suffered alone. Rin's sacrifice shook him terribly."

Kohana choked on her water, "Sacrifice? What do you mean, Kurenai? I thought Kakashi lost control of his Chidori."

Kurenai frowned, drying her hands with a towel, "Is that what he told you? No, Rin intercepted his attack, killing herself so that Isobu wouldn't fall into enemy hands."

Kohana blinked a few times, her mouth dry. "Why did he lie to me?"

Kurenai didn't answer, watching Kohana with something akin to pity.

"What was he like, Kurenai? How did he cope with this?" She suddenly felt like she didn't know Kakashi at all.

Kurenai gave a short laugh, and started unloading the dishwasher. It was a while before she spoke.

"He was distraught. He avoided his friends completely. It was shocking for us to see him so cold and distant. Gai finally asked the 3rd to relieve him of his Anbu duties. It was the only thing we could do for him."

"Did…did he mention me at all?", Kohana asked meekly.

Kurenai shook her head, "He never spoke of you. At least not to us."

The words pierced Kohana sharply. Kurenai turned around to see Kohana's saddened face. She gave her a tight hug while saying, "Kohana, you're not a shinobi. So, death affects you differently than it does us who have experienced it more than we would have liked. But, we've learned to move on, to honor those who have passed. I promise you it becomes easier once you do."

Kohana nodded feebly. Her mind was still reeling from Kurenai's words. How much had she wrongly accused Kakashi of? She blinked her tears away, and returned Kurenai's hug.

When they pulled away, Kurenai asked, "Do you like him?"

The question caught Kohana off-guard. She hiccupped, "What?"

Kurenai smiled slyly and Kohana blushed, catching on. She quickly said, "No. It's not like that!"

The older woman laughed making her way into the living room. "I denied Asuma for a long time."

Kohana stammered, her face heating up, and Kurenai smirked, "Relax. It's just a question."

They spent the rest of the morning talking in happier tones while Kurenai talked about Asuma. By lunchtime, Kohana was clutching her side heaving with laughter as she listened to how an unsuspecting Gai had interrupted Kurenai and Asuma at the hot springs, and how Kurenai had never seen Asuma so embarrassed before.

There was a knock and Kurenai welcomed Kakashi inside. Kohana's smile disappeared immediately, and she gazed at Kakashi as if she never saw him before. Kakashi spoke to Kurenai, "Tsunade-sama's requesting you. I'll take Kohana home."

Kurenai nodded, "Kohana. I have some of your old clothes. Why don't you take a shower and go? Kohana? Kohana?"

Kohana jumped, and tore her eyes away from Kakashi.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Kurenai exchanged sideway glances with Kakashi before responding, "Hai. Would you like to shower?" Kohana found her black leggings and purple dress shirt hanging neatly in the guest bedroom. She quickly bathed and returned to the living room where Kurenai and Kakashi were sitting with morbid expressions, each absorbed in their own thoughts.

"What happened?"

Kakashi glanced up, "Nothing. Are you ready?"

Kohana thanked Kurenai and followed Kakashi out the door. They walked along the streets, which unlike last night, were sprawling with children, parents and occasional shinobi. It wasn't until they turned an unfamiliar road that Kohana realized Kakashi wasn't taking her home. They stopped in front of a tea stall.

"You didn't have lunch", Kakashi explained.

"A—arigatou, but I'm not feeling hungry." And just as she said that, her stomach gave a loud growl. Kakashi chuckled and led her inside to a corner table; the waitress rushed over and they placed their orders. Kakashi ordered onigiri and Kohana asked for dango. They waited silently. Kakashi had taken out his book, and Kohana was still debating how to ask about Rin. When Kakashi noticed her staring at him, he peeked at her from the side of his book.

"What is it?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

Kakashi put his book down and folded his arms.

"First, thank you for last night. I…I wasn't in the right state of mind."

"No, you weren't. I hope you don't pull that off again." He still seemed angry.

"And, also thank you for taking me to Kurenai. I didn't know she and Asuma were together."

"Asuma's secretive about it", Kakashi commented.

Kohana nodded, and fumbled with her fingers.

"You're nervous", Kakashi observed.

"I…Kurenai told me something."

Kakashi raised his eyebrow and indicated for her to continue. But, Kohana was spared by the arrival of their food. They ate without talking. (Kakashi finished in record time, easily managing to hide his face from Kohana, who kept her eyes fixed on her bowl.) Kakashi prompted her again.

"What did Kurenai say?"

Kohana mumbled quietly, "About Rin."

Kakashi's expression froze and he answered stiffly, "Ah."

Kohana continued, tearing her eyes away from her soup, " Why didn't you tell me? All this time, I thought that …"

"It doesn't matter."

Kohana's voice rang out loudly, and she wringed her napkin, "It matters to me, Kakashi! Why did you lie to me?"

"That wasn't my intention."

"Why?" Kohana insisted.

He didn't answer. Kohana could tell that this was something he hadn't talked about in years. And she was no one to force him; she realized how large of gap she had created between the both of them.

She sighed, "I was wrong about you. I never tried to understand you. I was arrogant, and hurtful. I ignored you, but you've done so much for me and I don't deserve any of it."

Kakashi could see the tears brimming in her wide eyes and he replied, "Kohana. It's okay. I'm fine."

But, Kohana had put her head in her hands and whispered hoarsely, "No, no, no. It's not okay. They're gone. And I left you. You were all alone. And I left you. They're gone."

Kakashi stood up, and gently pulled her up from her chair. Customers were looking at her peculiarly. He slapped down change on the receptionist's counter and led her to a secluded bench amid a grove of trees.

Kohana sat down, and sniffed, "I'm sorry."

Kakashi leaned down, and ruffled her hair affectionately. He smiled, "You don't need to apologize. What matters is that you're here now."

Kohana parted her lips, about to disagree. His words rang in her ears. What matters is that you're here now. A smile spread across her lips and she leapt up to hug him, repeatedly whispering thank you.

Maybe the gap wasn't too big.