Hillary Clinton, Arby's University's infamous dean was taking a morning stroll. She gazed up to the sun while sipping her fit tea, which she promoted on Instagram daily. Shock overcame her upon realizing her flower garden had been ravished. Every last one of her spring blooms had been torn from the soil and carried off to some unknown place. She began crawling through the dirt, fury in her heart. Looking for a sign that could bring her precious flowers home.
Taking a close look at a large footprint in the dirt, she noticed a strand of black curly hair resting where her daisies should be. Clinton plucked it from the ground and took a quick sniff. Maui. ALZETA. Their annual luau party was tonight.
This was the last straw.
"Well, I sure can't wait to see all the ladies in their coconut bras tonight!" Kristoff cheered.
The ALZETA's sat in their basement having a meeting. Tonight was their annual luau party. Unfortunately, the ALZETA fraternity was no good at being proactive. Every member was missing class today because no one planned the party ahead of time. Most of the decorations were makeshift, they even made lei's out of flowers from Dean Clinton's garden.
Maui slammed his massive fists onto the table. "WHO'S BRINGING THE ALCOHOL!"
Hiro Hamada, a freshman raised his hand. "I GOT A FORTY RACK IN MY TRUCK!"
The entire room hollered in delight, throwing their fists high into the air. The only thing fraternities liked more than DELTA THOTA was beer.
Maui nodded and spoke again. "Who's in charge of the cultural stick and poke tattoo station?"
Max Goof rolled across the long table on his skateboard, he stopped to do a kickflip in front of Maui. "I could do it!" The young man sat down on the table then snorted a line of cocaine.
"I'd say this parties in good hands, fellas!" Maui smiled, proud of his protegees. "Alright, and for entertainment?"
Mr. Malone raised his hand. "I can do a live performance!" Although no one knew why Mr. Malone was sitting in on the meeting, they didn't mind.
Maui jumped onto the table, Max Goof hopped onto his back and began riding him like a horse. The reckless fraternity cheered them on. The spirit of UOA was seen through tender moments like this.
Elsa wove her way through the halls as usual. But, something was off today. It seemed the entire student body was staring her down, silencing as she walked by. She could hear murmurs under their breath though she couldn't make out what they were saying. The blonde bitch rolled her eyes and stepped into Ms. Black's sex ed class just as the bell rang.
Elsa took a seat next to her housemate Rapunzel. "Hey."
Rapunzel gave no response, she instead opened to a random page in her textbook and pretended to read it. The THOTA paid Elsa no attention at all. Which was unusual for the usually chatty sorority girl.
Ms. Black stood at the podium. "Class! It's Friday, you know what that means!"
The entire lecture groaned as Ms. Black turned on her boombox and blasted her infamous song 'Friday'. A sigh of relief filled the room once it had finished.
"Anyways students, It was brought to my attention that one of you, currently in this room has an STD!" Ms. Black pointed an accusatory finger around the room. "Since the average college student sleeps with twenty-four other students in one year, you've all basically had sex with one another!"
Elsa bit her lip and began doodling in her notebook.
"I've talked with the school nurse and they'll be offering free STD tests until the end of this month!" Ms. Black smirked. She was usually awful at her job but, for once she'd done something right.
The nervous blonde bitch tried to distract herself. Elsa's eyes darted around the room until she noticed something out of the ordinary. Ralph, was seated next to her nemesis Judy Hopps. And, the two had their heads turned slightly over their shoulders glancing at Elsa. She made eye contact with Judy who immediately looked away.
It felt like an eternity before Ms. Black dismissed the entire class, except for Elsa. Whom she'd asked to have a quick word with. Elsa waited until her peers had exited the room before making her way down to Ms. Black.
"What do you want?" Elsa snapped at her teacher.
Ms. Black frowned. "Elsa, I'm just worried about your safety!"
"Excuse you?"
The teacher placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Dear, Judy sent me an email about your HIV, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You should encourage your peers to get checked as well."
Elsa gasped. "I do not have HIV!" She clenched her jaw. "Judy's just jealous of me! It's obvious!"
Ms. Black hugged Elsa. "I know it's hard to accept that you'll die within the next twenty years, but it'll be okay."
Elsa shoved the teacher away and stormed out of the lecture hall. She was already plotting ways to murder Judy.
This was the OMBETA's least favorite time of the year. It was the annual luau party hosted by ALZETA which usually led to their victory in the sex dungeon. Not this year though. OMBETA was coming up with a plan that would put the luau party in the ground once and for all.
"We could take some of them bottle rockets and launch em at their windows!" Mater suggested.
Ralph nodded. "That's good but, we need something bigger."
Woody lit a cigarette and took a drag. "We could dress up as THOTA's and sneak in!"
The OMBETA leader sighed. "We're trying to infiltrate the party, Woody! Not join in." Ralph shot down the idea. No way he was going to wear a coconut bra.
Mr. Healy took a loud bong rip then smiled. "We could unleash a collection of wild, untamed, exotic animals on their party!"
Ralph debated. Sure the idea was good but, where were they going to find exotic animals on such short notice? "How are we supposed to get ahold of wild animals in the next three hours?"
The teacher opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.
Nick Wilde shot up from his seat and removed his sunglasses. "That gives me an idea!"
"What is it?" Ralph sighed from relief. Nick always came up with something good.
"You want wild animals? I've got you covered" The fox smirked. "I deal crack to four other fraternities in the area, I'm sure they'd be delighted to join the party!"
The room nodded in agreement, Nick's idea just might work.
Moana and Judy were putting the finishing touches on their makeup.
"Moana, you don't understand! She was flirting with Nick to get back at me."
The virgin sacrifice rolled her eyes. "Judy, you broke up with him! You can't be mad if he's seeing other girls."
"But -"
"No! Seriously." Moana snapped. "You can't just go around saying someone has HIV, I know Elsa's a bitch but a rumor like that could ruin her entire life!"
Judy shook her head while fastening the strings on her coconut bra. "It was on the spur of the moment! I was angry, okay?"
Moana put a red gloss on her lips, then handed the lip gloss over to Judy. "Maybe you should apologize and tell everyone you started the rumor." She suggested Judy take the high road before it was too late.
Judy squeezed her eyes shut and took a seat on the floor. Moana cocked an eyebrow. "Um, you okay?"
"Uh, yeah." She murmured. "Just feeling a little light-headed is all!" The bunny faked a smile.
"Judy, I know you're trying to avoid Elsa but, I doubt she'll even be there after what happened today."
"You're right, I'm probably just nervous."
Moana fastened her coconut bra and helped her friend up. "Let's go."
Maui stood at the front door, greeting all his esteemed THOTA's. To each one he offered a handmade lei, courtesy of Ms. Clinton's flower garden. So far everything was perfect. Hiro had just unloaded the forty rack and the THOTA's even brought their jungle juice fountain. Mr. Malone was performing some of his original songs in the backyard. Maui couldn't wait to join in on the fun.
He smiled as Moana strutted through the front door. He picked up a lei he'd created especially for the beautiful virgin sacrifice. Gently he placed it around her neck and gave her a peck on the cheek. Noticing Judy was by Moana's side, Maui quickly threw her a lei then continued to flirt with Moana.
Things were going as planned, half the party was already shit faced in the backyard. Some were taking a dip in the pool. Others were grinding on each other as Mr. Malone performed his song rockstar.
Matty Healy was hiding in the bushes gripping his walky-talky. Ralph had informed him to get in contact as soon as Maui stepped into the backyard. This was the signal everyone had arrived at the party. After that, the OMBETA's were sending in the wild animals. The teacher had been pretty high during the OMBETA meeting but, he was excited to see what exotic animals the boys had decided on.
"Ralph, do you read me?" He shouted into the device.
"Loud and clear Mr. Healy!" A stout voice responded.
"Send in the animals." Mr. Healy breathed, shaking with anticipation.
"MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, COME ON!" Ralph shouted, directing a fleet of pickup trucks towards the ALZETA house. As soon as he stopped, the long line of cars began to park. Mater and Woody immediately lined up bottle's in front of the house, placing a bottle rocket inside each one. They lit them up and shattered multiple glass windows.
A wave of redneck frat boys burst through the doors of the ALZETA house. They destroyed anything they could find. Maui ran inside to see what could be causing the commotion. He ran up to Ralph and slugged him in the face.
"WHAT THE FUCK'S THIS!" The demigod shouted.
Ralph gave a devious smile. "Just bought a few extra guests for you guys!"
The demigod watched in horror as more trucks pulled up, rednecks spilled into the house like a glass of water. Maui wasn't going give Ralph the satisfaction of destroying the party. "HEY!" he called getting the rednecks attention.
"DID ANY OF YOU BRING A BOTTLE OF WHISKY?"
Every single redneck raised their hand high in the air, displaying their alcohol. Maui nodded.
"THEN LET'S FUCKING PARTY!"
Ralph gave him a look of horror, realizing he had only made the situation worse. His own kind was turning against him. The ALZETA's always won.
As time went on the party only grew, the rednecks invited their friends, who invited their friends. Before the ALZETA's knew it they had three hundred uninvited guests at the party. It was lit.
Mater was doing donuts on the front lawn. Destruction of property was one of his favorite past times. Suddenly he heard a horn honk and he halted. He turned to see McQueen driving down the front steps.
"Hey! This is my lawn, not the shithole town you came from!" McQueen snapped.
Mater gasped. "My shittin' hole is your shittin' hole too! You know that!"
Lightning licked his lips. "Well, I can shit a hole better than you can shit a hole!"
The tow truck chuckled. "You gon' prove that to me then!"
"KACHOW!" Lightning yelled. He backed to the other side of the lawn, the sidewalk between him and Mater. The racecar threw himself into reserve and began making donuts as well.
"YEEHAW!" Mater cheered and joined McQueen in a donut competition.
Maui grabbed a red cup and filled it with jungle juice. He offered it to Moana, who gladly accepted. "You know, if you stood in front of a mirror and held up eleven roses, you'd see twelve of the most beautiful things in the world."
Moana giggled and batted her eyelashes. "Well, if you stood in front of a mirror you'd see a very buff man." She winked while feeling a bit tipsy.
Maui scowled. "Who?"
Moana laughed obnoxiously. "You! You'd see yourself." She ran her hands over his abs. "Because you're like buff and all that…"
"Oh!" The demigod grinned. "You're right! I would. Aren't I handsome?" He winked.
Moana gave him a suggestive smile. "Let's put it this way. Once we're in the sex dungeon, you're gonna be the one who saves me from the burning cross."
Maui liked the sound of that.
Judy had huddled herself in a corner the second she arrived. Moana was supposed to be there for her. Instead, she was busy flirting with Maui. She grasped a cup filled to the brim with jungle juice. Although, the bunny hadn't had a single sip of alcohol she felt sick and nervous. Just when she thought things couldn't get worse, she saw Nick heading straight towards her.
"Prudy Judy makes a return!" The fox slurred.
Judy tried to get away but, Nick cornered her into the wall. She rolled her eyes.
"Well look at that! Nicholas Wilde, drunk and flirting with girls who want nothing to do with him at a party." Judy narrowed her eyes. "As usual."
Judy took a closer look at him, realizing he was shirtless and wearing one of the THOTA's coconut bras on his head. Her disgust grew. "Who's is that?"
Nick frowned and looked up. "What? This isn't mine! He untied the coconut bra and threw it behind him. "It's Rapunzel's!" The fox's words slurred together.
"So, you're sleeping with my friends to get back at me?" Judy questioned. "That's low, even for you!"
He lazily shook his head. "Your friends? More like my bitches!"
Judy stomped her foot, tired of Nick's immature behavior. "You're disgusting!"
"Really?" He smirked. "Two weeks ago you were begging for more."
She could no longer hold back her anger. Judy threw the contents of her red cup directly at the fox, covering his bare chest in jungle juice. She shoved him while trying to get away but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.
"No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The fox muttered. "It wasn't supposed to go like this."
Judy listened to Nick ramble until he let go of her arm. The fox grasped his stomach and fell to his knees. Before she could process what was happening, the lower half of her body was covered in Nick's vomit.
The bunny was speechless. She took off running towards the bathroom hoping nobody had witnessed what just happened. Judy locked the door and turned the shower on. After removing her vomit-covered shorts she stepped into the hot water. Her small stream of tears turned into loud sobs. She was pathetic, just like Nick.
The rain had begun falling. A thunderstorm raged in the skies. Hillary Clinton believed the weather was caused by her fury. She zoomed through the streets on her Segway, it's wheel's lightning up with every turn. This was the last time the fraternities got the best of her.
She pulled up to the ALZETA house which was now in shambles. She gasped realizing the windows had been broken and two students were currently doing donuts on the front lawn. The grass had been ripped to shreds and turned into a pile of mud that was flying from beneath their tires.
Dean Clinton tore her safety helmet off her head and stomped into the ALZETA house. The second she walked in everyone went silent. Even Mr. Malone who was performing in the backyard could sense her presence. The inside was no better than the outside. The drapes had been torn, a chandelier was laying on the floor, chairs and tables were broken, even patches of carpet had gone missing.
"IF YOU ARE NOT A STUDENT OF ARBY'S UNIVERSITY, EXIT THE PREMISE IMMEDIATELY!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, her voice breaking with every word. It took an entire fifteen minutes before the unknown guests cleared out. Then she was left alone with the true culprits. ALZETA, OMBETA, and DELTA THOTA.
"This morning I woke up to find my precious flowers had been stolen from my garden!" Clinton held back her tears. "But." She choked. "It appears I've found them."
Clinton made her way around the room, glaring into the eyes of her students one by one. "This is your fourth strike!" She spat in front of Maui. "The next mistake you make will be your last!" Hillary breathed down Ralph's throat. "BUT, DON'T THINK I'M LETTING YOU OFF THE HOOK FOR THIS!" She shrieked again.
The students were on the verge of being expelled, what else could Clinton do?
"ALZETA, your house is clearly no longer suitable to live in." A sickening smile spread across her face. "OMBETA, you will now be sharing a house with the ALZETA's!"
Ralph gasped. "That's not fair. We had nothing to do with your flowers, Dean Clinton!"
Hillary cracked her neck as though preparing for a fight. "But, you did invite every hillbilly within in two hundred mile radius!"
Ralph held his tongue, Dean Clinton was right. It was the rednecks who'd torn apart the ALZETA house.
"DELTA THOTA, You will join the fraternities in a fundraiser to help pay off the damages done to this house!"
The THOTA's groaned. Dean Clinton glared at them before realizing someone was missing.
"Where's Elsa?"
The entire group tried to hold back laughter, realizing Dean Clinton was more out of the loop than they thought.
Max Goof circled Clinton on his skateboard. "Didn't Ms. Black tell you? Elsa has HIV!"
Clinton glanced at Mr. Malone. "Is that true?"
Mr. Malone nodded nervously. Hillary hated when Ms. Black didn't share juicy gossip with her.
"Don't take it personally, love." Mr. Healy sat on the floor trying to nurse Nicholas Wilde back to health. The fox was laying blackout drunk in his lap.
Clinton took a deep breath in. She'd discuss this with Ms. Black later. "Fine."
She picked her segway helmet up off the dirty floor. "Keep the lei's made from my flowers. Think of them as a noose around your necks. One wrong move and they will choke you to death."
Hillary Clinton clipped her helmet on and stormed through the doors. As they slammed behind her thunder shook the house. After she was gone the students silently removed their lei's and threw them to the floor.