My wife is crazy
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Ichigo Kurosaki was sleeping peacefully and pretty darn comfortably in his bed when he suddenly felt an inhumane force kick him right at the base of his spinal cord.
"ARGH- What the?!" a beastly grunt came out of his throat as his eyes jerked opened.
"Get up, lazy ass," he heard his oh so gentle wife say. "It's already past 4:30 a.m."
Ichigo groaned loudly. "It's Saturday, idiot; we don't have to get up."
After a whole minute of silence, he thought she had gotten back to sleep.
If only he was so lucky…
"But our day off is next week, isn't it?"
Ichigo scowled deeply and pressed his entire face into his pillow, growling in sweet agony. "Noooo, Rukia. It's today. Remember, we hadn't had a day off in months."
Once again, his wife remained silent for a few seconds, but it wasn't long before he felt her moving next to him until she cuddled herself up against his back.
"Thank god," she said with a sigh. "I'm exhausted."
Ichigo frowned. "Yeah, me too. Thankfully you made sure to wake me up, though. I don't know what I would do without you," he groaned, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
He could've sworn he heard her laugh devilishly behind him. "Aw… You're welcome honey."
"Pffft." Ichigo rolled his eyes, getting more pissed off by the second.
"Now shhh, I want to sleep." Rukia said as she sighed deeply.
Ichigo's frown deepened near the breaking point and he gritted his teeth, trying to calm himself.
I think I might throw her off the bed…
A couple of minutes passed before he started to slowly relax. Their bed was so damn comfortable, he could easily fall back asleep, right? Finally some well-deserved rest… Hell he could even sleep until three in the afternoon if he wanted to, he had the whole day off!
As Ichigo started to dive into pure bliss, he felt sleep quickly gaining control of his body. Maybe a few more seconds and he'd be deeply and completely asleep…
Something of a deadly cold suddenly squeezed itself in between his thighs.
Something freezing.
Something as icy as ice itself.
Something lethal.
Rukia's glacial feet.
Ichigo jerked awake and his heart literally stopped beating at the contact of Rukia's feet of DEATH with his own, perfectly warm skin. He then heard himself let out a monstrous, piercing scream of pain. "AAHHHHHHHHH-"
His suffering didn't even come to an end since Rukia made sure to KEEP HER FREAKING FEET ON HIM. As fast as he could, Ichigo snapped her feet away from his body with wide eyes and a rapid heartbeat.
"RUKIA!" he yelled at the lieutenant, who, might he add, still had both of her eyes closed.
All he got in response was a barely audible groan from the female.
"RUKIA KUCHIKI!" he screamed again, this time adding her clan name for full effect.
It kinda worked.
"Ichigo," she groaned again. "What the hell is your problem, I'm trying to sleep you know."
"No shit; I WAS PERFECTLY ASLEEP UNTIL YOU WOKE ME UP!" he replied at the top of his lungs.
"Great story. How about you shut up so I can go back to sleep."
Ichigo's jaw dropped at how much of a brat his beloved other-half was being. "Are you seriously not gonna mention YOU putting your cold ass FEET on ME?!"
"Pfft," replied Rukia. "My feet are of a perfectly normal temperature."
"Perfectly normal my ass! It was like someone was shoving a chunk of ice down my spine!"
He saw Rukia frowning in annoyance as she sighed abruptly. "You're such a drama queen, God. This is unbelievable. Why don't you just sleep on the floor and give me some peace."
That was it.
Something snapped in Ichigo's face. He drastically got up from the Queen sized bed, grabbed the edge of the sheets and ripped them off Rukia to wrap it around himself in a rapid swirling motion.
Rukia immediately sat up on the beige mattress as she felt the cold air hit her and saw Ichigo walking out of the room with the covers around him, looking like a total man-child.
"HEY! What do you think you're doing?!" she yelled at her husband.
"Taking what I deserve! And since you obviously can't manage to sleep next to another human being, I'll go sleep on the couch!"
Rukia's nerve popped and she had to stop herself from screaming in pure animal rage.
"I've never met anyone so immature!" she yelled at him even though he wasn't in the bedroom anymore.
"Right back at you!" Rukia heard her partner's mad voice from the living room.
Rukia was so sure her husband's plan was to drag her out of the room and run back in there so he could lock her out and sleep on the bed, alone withthe covers that she decided she wouldn't let herself get manipulated so easily. Using three pillows to cover herself up, Rukia Kuchiki eventually fell back asleep, plotting a plan of her own silently.
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The next day. 9 pm at night. Ichigo came back home after a full day he had spent dealing with squad problems and paperwork. Shitty day indeed. Plus, his back was still sore from sleeping on the couch the previous whole damn day. Man, that thing was uncomfortable.
The yawning man walked to the bedroom he shared with his wife and tried to open the sliding door. He failed. He tried again…and failed again.
"What the…" he said as he frowned. "Rukia?" he yelled his wife's name.
He heard small footsteps on the other side of the door, then the thing slid opened only an inch wide. The right half of Rukia's face appeared and he immediately knew she was up to no good.
"Rukia, what the hell is going on," he asked in a dark voice.
"Well, since you communicated your desire to occupy the couch instead of the bed, I thought it would only be right to grant you your wish."
Ichigo widened his eyes. "You didn't-"
"So, I got a new lock to make sure you wouldn't come back in here. The couch is all yours!"
"WHAA-" were the alarmed sounds that came out of Ichigo's mouth.
"Goodnight, hun!" Rukia said, faking a sweet voice as she slammed the bedroom door in her husband's face.
"RUKIA! Rukia wait! I didn't mean what I said the other day, you're a delight to sleep next to, I swear!" Ichigo waited for something, anything…but nothing happened. "Rukia, come on that couch is incredibly uncomfortable! Rukia…? RUKIA!"
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… Are you sure I told you just how crazy she is?
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