In which we explore my headcanon that Bro would tease/shame Dave mercilessly over any innocent crush or affection he felt towards anyone until the point where Dave didn't want to tell him anything yet also convinced himself that his Bro was just "joking around with him" as a way of coping. As such, Dave has a little trouble with boundaries sometimes.

...

"So, let me get this straight," you smirk. "You, John Egbert, met a smoking hot girl in the library just in time to witness her savage fight with a bespectacled douche-lord, got in the middle of said fight just as she started to strangle the guy, and then maybe or maybe not flirted with her? AND kept her phone?" You ask from your spot on the top bunk in your messy dorm room. "Dude, that's kinky."

"What the fuck Dave, how is it kinky?" John asks incredulously from the couch.

"Oh John, you naïve, perverted fool, let me count the ways. One, you only walked in on that fight because a half hour earlier you glanced once at her "beautiful glistening eyes" and decided to stalk her-"

"It wasn't stalking!" He interjects. "And I didn't "keep" her phone! I was just doing my job-"

"Quiet horn dog," you say, throwing a pillow at his face. "I'm psychoaggravating here." You hear him mutter something that sounds dangerously close to "whatever Strilonde," but elect to ignore it. This is just too good. "Second," you continue, "you saw her engaged in a passionate, volatile fight with another man and what did you do? You watched. Classic voyeurism."

"Seriouslyohmygods," John yells through the pillow, which is now being used as a shield to hide him from his own shame.

"Thirdly, you got her attention and maintained eye contact as she strangled said other guy, and only after several moments of gazing deeply into each other's soul windows did you think to say anything to her about, oh I don't know, not choking people to death in the library." John says nothing. You almost hesitate before continuing. Almost. "Not to mention you kept a memento to cherish these events by. Tell me Egbert, was it the choking that really sealed the deal for you, or the fact that you took her by surprise?"

"OH MY GODS STOP!" He shouts, completely unmuffled this time. The pillow you tossed earlier comes hurtling back towards you but you catch it easily and place it back on the bed behind you. "YOU'RE A LOT WORSE THAN ROSE SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW THAT?" He adds indignantly, pushing himself up off the couch and over to the mini fridge, which is, awesomely, now a thing that exists in your room. He steadily ignores you as he swings open the fridge door and selects an off-brand can of pepsi-cola. He ignores you even harder when you ask him to bring you a can as well.

"John," you say as he plops back down on the couch and flips on the TV. Twenty seconds pass. "Joooooooohhnn." Fifteen seconds. Nothing. "Come ooooon Egbert, don't give me the cold shoulder," you say, a hint of a whine in your voice. Radio silence for another forty. "Egbert?" Still nothing. You start to feel uneasy.

"..." Shit. He's actually pissed off.

"Was it because I called you a horn dog or a naïve pervert?" You ask half-jokingly. Much as you hate to admit it, you don't like being ignored. ...Or being the cause of one of your best bro being upset. Damn friends making you go all soft and shit.

"Neither," he finally replies, sparing you a glance. "It's because you're a dick."

"Aww come on, you know you love me," you try; glad your voice doesn't reveal your relief.

"Sometimes," he replies, eyes back on the TV. Okay, that's a start at least.

"..."

"..." Fuck it; you actually need to say something to fix this.

"You actually like her, don't you?" You ask. John pauses a minute before replying.

"Yeah," he confirms. "I really do."

"Even though you just met her," you state neutrally.

"Even though I just met her," he agrees.

"...Sorry man," you sigh, trying to convey your sincerity with the least amount of irony possible. "I got a little carried away." Completely fucked up sense of humor and all, you don't add. Thanks Bro.

John stares at you for a few seconds before his expression loosens. "It's okay dude, I may have been a little more sensitive than strictly needed," he concedes, the hint of a smile on his face. "After all, you didn't even bring your best game for that. Underhanded innuendos? Come on, Dave! We both know you're better than that," he finishes, now openly smirking at you.

"Yeah," you laugh as a weight disappears from your chest. "I must be more burned out than I realized. Guess being radio famous takes a lot out of a guy."

"Pffftttt," he laughs. "Radio famous? Try, "vaguely recognizable as that guy that sometimes tells people where to go to read more about a campus event online"," he corrects.

"Alright, alright, no need to get jealous here," you say, putting your hands up.

"Nooooo none of this "you're just jealous" shtick again!" He laughs, flinging an arm over his face. "Didn't Rose already have a long chat with you after diagnosing your narcissist complex?"

"It was Narcissistic Personality Disorder thank you very much," you correct, "And yes, yes she did. She also accused me of having an inferiority complex and revisited her ever popular Oedipus decree."

"Heh, that's almost as good as the time she diagnosed me as being a kleptomaniac," he chuckles.

"Kleptomaniac?" You ask, purposely not eyeing the cellphone one the table.

"Her purple headband went missing," he explains.

You raise an eyebrow. "Did you take it?"

"No, I just hid it," John replies. "I had to man!" He exclaims, seeing he look on your face. "The brand was called Waldo's, Dave. Waldo's."

"I know Egbert, sometimes your pranking little heart just can't help itself," you nod, glad to have moved on to a new topic. You both laugh, and fade into comfortable silence. Neither of you say anything for a few minutes until John uncovers his face and glances over at you.

"I didn't even get her name," he sighs.

"Well," you say, considering. "You gave her that book, right? She'll probably bring it back. You can catch her name then. I mean, come on, you work in the library, dude. Sooner or later she's going to turn up. No one escapes the learning jail forever, especially once finals hit."

"The learning jail?" He repeats uncertainly.

"Yes John, the learning jail," you confirm. "It's a giant brick building filled with enough boring textbooks to drive even the most stable-minded to commit horrid, unspeakable acts," you state. "Every year more and more young lives are lost to its depths, searching for their "recommended course books" the poor fools... Everyone knows that once they enter the stacks, they're never heard from again."

"Dave...that's not how the library works," he says. "In fact, I'm pretty sure that's not how anywhere works. What the hell kind of libraries did you go to growing up?"

"No kind. Striders don't trust any information hub owned by The Man," you answer. That, and like hell your Bro would have ever bothered taking you somewhere he didn't have to. Books weren't really a big thing in your "household". Bro's philosophy was if it was important, you could find it out on TV or with the help of good old Google. Not that you've never been to a library of course. Your school had one, and you'd taken a couple of trips to Houston's Public learning prison once or twice as well. Libraries just never had that much to offer you, not unless you were allowed to use the computers without a teacher hovering over your shoulder, which happened exactly almost never. You learn better by hearing things anyways. There's no need to explain all of that to anyone though.

"You're so weird man," John laughs, shaking his head. You're glad he never really pushes you farther on this stuff. He knows you'll come to him when you need to vent, and he never judges you. It's part of what makes you such good bros. Besides, you know that if you were ever in any real danger John would be there to help you in an instant. He proved that the summer of your Freshman year. Still, even Egbert has his limits. You've got to keep working on your "people skills" as the prudes like to put it. Strider humor isn't fit for all situations.

"Dave!" John exclaims, pulling you out of your thoughts. "Her phone is going off!"

"It sure is," you agree. "You going to answer it?"

"Wha- I can't just answer her phone! What if it's her?" He asks, far more panicked than necessary.

"I think we can safely rule out that possibility, given the fact that you're holding her phone," you say, pushing yourself off the bunk and walking over.

"She could be using someone else's phone!" He insists just as another ringtone joins the first. "Shit, now mine's going off too!"

"Egbert, calm down," you say. It's not like him to get quite this flustered anymore; psycho girl must have really made an impression. "Just make a decision."

"Alright, alright," he says, picking up the phone and walking towards the door. "I'm going to answer it."

"Where are you going?" You ask him as he opens the door to the hall.

"Outside!" He answers. "Privacy is a thing that exists!"

"You mean you don't want to make a fool out of yourself in front of your roommate and your crush," you correct as he walks off.

"Whatever!" He calls over his shoulder. Geezus Christ how long is this girl's ringtone? You wonder. Speaking of ringtones...sounds like John's phone is going off again.

"What the fuck kind of name is 'Karkat'?" You ask aloud, picking up the abandoned phone. Wait. Didn't John say something about a crabby guy in his nerd lab with that name? The guys already called twice...doesn't seem like he's giving up. Oh well.

"Hello, and thank you for calling Eric's Roadside Eatery," you deadpan. "You kill it we grill it. How can I help you this evening?"

"What," a carefully measured voice says from the other end of the line, "The actual fuck?"

AN: Guess who got their impacted wisdom teeth out. Guess who feels like shit because it turns out that they're severly allergic to the pain medication perscribed to them and is now recovering from oral surgery with ice packs and a handful of Advil. Guess who only minimally cares about this beCAUSE THEY JUST GOT INTO THEIR DREAM COLLEGE! (Hint: It's me.)

Also, look who's phone-meeting for the first time! Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship, doesn't it?