"Umm, don't take this the wrong way Rose," you stammer. "But, what the actual fuck?" Out of all the people you expected to be on the other end of the phone, Rose was definitely not one of them. You thought it would be a stranger if it wasn't, y'know, her.
"I could ask you the same thing John," she replies nonchalantly. Why does she never sound surprised by almost anything ever? It's really not helpful sometimes! "However," she continues, "I think instead I'll go for the more eloquent matter of "Why do you have Vriska's phone?"
"Vriska's phone?" You repeat like a moron.
"Yes," she answers slowly. "Vriska Serket's. Surely you remember? She's the fellow student I met on our first day of classes and have, subsequently, been meeting once a week at Simply Sburb Café. I'm certain I told you her name at some point," Rose adds.
"Yeah, no I remember you talking about her," you recall, thinking back to a few weeks ago. Honestly? You hadn't been too interested when Rose told you she'd made a new acquaintance. You guys all sort of had your own one or two casual friends you saw around campus, but they generally never came up in conversations. None of you ever really seemed to make any other close friends actually...it had been the four of you for almost as long as you could remember. The more you thought about it though, the more you remembered Rose's brief mentions. Vriska was in her Psychology class. They were the same age, which meant Vriska was 19, and...Something about spiders? You'd have to ask Rose more about that. Oh wait, that purple guy had called her "Vuh-vris" too or something hadn't he? That...probably should have been a clue for you. How many people have names that start with Vris" right? What kind of name even is that anyways? It sounds like something from an alien language! A cool alien language though; not one of those half-baked alien languages that everyone knows is just English but flipped upside down and reversed or whatever.
"She's in your Psychology class," you say, careful not to get distracted from the conversation.
"Right," Rose confirms on the other end. "Which leads me to ask again, how did you come to be in possession of her phone?"
"Oh! Uh, she left it in the library," you stammer.
"I was under the belief that the university's library closed at 8:00. What are you doing there so late?" She asks.
"Oh I'm not there right now," you clarify. "I just...sort of brought her phone back to my dorm with me?" You finish sheepishly. Alright, you kind of see where Dave got some of his ammunition now.
There's a moment of silence on Rose's end before she speaks. "...John, do you feel that we may need to revisit this issue of your sudden kleptomaniac urges?"
"No!" You exclaim. "I didn't steal her phone, Rose! We were talking and she left it on the table where she'd been reading by mistake and I was going to go put it in the Lost and Found bin back behind the front desk but..."
"But what?" She nudges. Even from here you can practically feel her raising an eyebrow at you. The Lalonde game is too strong.
"But I thought maybe I could give it back to her in person," you admit. "So I could talk to her." This is going to be the rocket battle all over again, you can feel it.
"I see," she replies. "Well, why don't you return it to her tomorrow night at Spurb?"
"Wait, what?" You ask. "Back up a few steps for your non-telepathy inclined friend, okay?" Rose seems to forget sometimes that not everyone thinks through things the way she does...or as quickly.
"Simply Spurb Café. The one with the cake," she says.
"No I know what place you're talking," you tell her. "I meant why would Vriska and I be there at the same time?"
"Because Vriska and I go to Spurb together at least once a week," she states. You...still do not entirely follow.
"I'm inviting you along, John," she finally clarifies.
"Oh! Oh..." You say, comprehending. "Won't...won't that be kind of awkward though? I don't want to third-wheel on your guys' friend date. Don't make me the tricycle of awkwardness Rose; I've been through enough tonight."
"Firstly, it will not be awkward because I will use my impeccable if not gruelingly acquired etiquette to make sure that it is not," she replies. "And secondly, would I be right to assume that it is none other than your resident Strider that has "put you through enough" tonight?"
"Firstly, you didn't need so many words to say that. Secondly, yes. Yes you would," you grimace. "He just goes a little too far sometimes."
"We all do on occasion," she says. "He's gotten better though in some regards, has he not?"
"He has," you concede. "And don't get me wrong, Dave's a great guy! He's one of my best bros, and he's got wicked taste in music!"
"But?" She prods.
"But you and I both know he's still guarding a lot of stuff," you say. "It just gets a little frustrating sometimes trying to dig through a million layers of irony. Especially since I don't know how to help him when things get bad again."
"You think they will?" Rose asks.
"I know they will at some point," you confirm. "Dave's got a lot of shit to deal with. I know everyone does, but Dave...He's our friend, Rose, and he's kept this all buried for a really long time."
"I know, John," she says. "Believe me, I know." You hear the note of exhaustion in her voice and you know she's thinking of her own childhood. You never really realized how lucky you were to have your dad until after Rose and Dave and hell even Jade told you how they'd grown up. It makes you want to just pile them all up in your dad's car, drive them to your house, and let him worry over them for a while sometimes. You're sure he'd be happy to see Dave again, he still asks you about him nearly every time you talk on the phone. Rose made you swear on your life not to disclose anything she told you, but it was nearly impossible sometimes. Especially when her mom would disappear for a few days. You know she wasn't anything like Dave's bro, but she wasn't anything like your dad either.
You can only imagine the havoc all four of you would create in your house...
"...I know you do Rose," you reply gently. "How've you been doing lately?" You ask a bit uncertainly. You're never entirely sure when it's okay to ask her, but you don't want her to feel like you've forgotten or you don't care either.
"Honestly?" She asks. "Better than one might fear."
"...That's good," you say, still uncertain. She doesn't respond.
Well look at that. You didn't even need to crash a friend date to become the tricycle of awkwardness!
"Yes, yes it is," she finally says. "Especially when the one fearing is a hopelessly well-intentioned friend with all the social grace of an intoxicated elephant." Ah, so it wasn't just you who felt the awkwardness then. Great. That's really great.
"John?" She asks.
"Yeah?"
"I'm joking. Lighten up," she says. You're almost certain she said that in her most deadpan voice on purpose.
"Rose," you say, making your voice as serious sounding as possible. "I know jokes. And that was definitely not a joke. A pale imitation of a joke, sure. But not a joke. You have so much to learn."
"Well, you'll have to teach me another time," she replies, and this time you can hear a smile in her voice, albeit a small one. "I have an essay to finish."
"Yeah, yeah," you grin. "You're just writing wizard fanfiction in your room, aren't you?"
"What a young lady does in the privacy of her bedroom is none of your concern Jonathan," she says.
"Oh come on!" You exclaim. "Double entendres from you too? That's it; I'm ending this phone call before it gets any weirder!"
"Good night, John," she says, laughing just a little. "Do not forget about tomorrow. I'll tell you the details between classes."
"Alright," you agree. "But if this goes horribly I'm pinning all the blame on you, Rose!"
"All the blame?" She asks.
"ALL OF IT," you answer.
"I accept your terms," she concedes.
"Good. Have a good night Rose!" You say.
Okay. So you're going to see Vriska tomorrow. At a café. With Rose. Yeah, that's a thing that you just agreed to-
"You as well John," she says, distracting you from your already wandering thoughts. Oh right, phone call, still happening. You're about to end the call before you hear her speak again.
"John?"
"Yeah Rose?" You ask.
"You do help; both Dave and I," Rose says a bit stiffly. She pauses for a second. "I would sincerely hope that you know that by now," she concludes before hanging up.
...Aww. Rose showed emotion! You think to yourself. That's big for her. It look like you did something right today at least! Before you can congratulate yourself further, you hear someone calling your name.
"HEY JOHN!" Dave calls, leaning out the window from your guys' dorm room a couple of floors up. Oh gods what now?
"YEAH?" You call back.
"SOMEONE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU," he says. Who would be calling you on Dave's- wait a second, is that your phone? Shit, you must have left it up there when you answered Vriska's cell! You quickly head back inside the dorm before Dave can shout anything else. Gods it's been a long day...
AN: Here, have a nice bowl of honey nut feelios. As always, comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!