A/N - Thanks to everyone still reading! Sorry about the last two chapters. The one before last didn't post properly so I ended up posting them both together
Burning: Splinter
I cannot express how pleased I was to see Raphael tonight. Since waking up and becoming aware of my surroundings, he has avoided me. I know he has been here; I've felt his presence but he has always left before I could speak to him properly. I always thought I had patience but the 'care' my sons have thrust upon me has certainly tried it to the limit. I cannot blame them though. They feared I would die and I shared their concern when I finally lost consciousness in the truck. I don't want them to worry over me, so I have tried to convince them I will be fine but this injury has certainly taken its toll on me. I have struggled with the most basic things, and any slight movement of my left arm causes the burning ache to get worse. The first day or so, any slight movement left my head spinning and I was forced to surrender any attempts at moving.
To the present, it is time to talk to Raphael. He is clearly uncertain how to start a conversation and I dislike seeing him so unsure.
"How have you been, my son?" I ask, as he jerks his head up to look at me in surprise
"I'm fine, Sensei" he replies automatically. Still he stands in the centre of the room and I feel the need to draw him in.
"Will you join me?" I ask, indicating the sofa next to the chair.
He glances at the sofa like it might attack him. I understand. Having spent most of the week confined to it, I am no longer a fan of April's furniture. I have only just managed to convince them that sitting upright for a while might help me.
Raphael must have been deep in thought as it took him a few moments to realise he hadn't actually moved before he finally took a seat closer to me. From where I sat I could sense the nervousness that surrounded his usually restless spirit. Is he afraid of me?
"Look, Master Splinter...I'm really sorry.." he starts
"You owe me no apology, Raphael..."
"No, I do" he says with more conviction, and I resist the urge to interrupt him. It is not his fault, but it is clear he wishes to speak and this time I will listen to him.
"I shouldn't have left the lair, or tried to take on Hun alone. If I'd left when you rescued me, you wouldn't have gotten hurt and the others wouldn't have had to rescue us" said Raphael, clearly in a rush to say everything before I have a chance to stop him. He pauses briefly to glare at the bandages covering my shoulder injury before he continues.
"You could have died! Ever since I've been thinking about what if it was one of my bros, or April or Casey. You and Leo always tried to tell me this could happen and I never listened...and now it's happened...I.."
Emotion is clearly warring within Raphael and I fight the urge to stop his rant and console him. I will listen to him. Perhaps then I will understand him better. It is the least I can do to try and make up the many times I have dismissed him without a second thought. He had trailed off his speech but now he sits up straight and I can see resolve dancing in his amber eyes.
"I'll do better. No more hothead stuff. I'll follow every order, train harder than ever. I'll make sure no one else gets hurt because of me. I promise"
At this he kneels at my feet, and I feel frozen. What have I done?
"I'm so sorry, Father. I won't fail you again" he finishes, looking at the floor
I am completely dumbstruck. This isn't what I wanted. I want all my sons to be safe, but I can see at once what Raphael is doing will crush his spirit.
"Raphael, no. This is not what I want..." I start hesitantly, but his head jerks up at my words
"Oh. I understand...you want me to leave...I'm..." he interrupts, and I can see the faintest shimmer of tears in his eyes before he moves to flee. Does he really think I would disown him? My heart breaks as gut wrenching terror seizes me. I can't let him leave, and I jerk out with my right hand to grab him sending waves of pain through my injured side as I seize a thick green wrist.
"No...please don't leave" I gasp out as the pain shudders through me. He can see my pain and it halts his exit, as he faces me with uncertainty. He is torn between checking I am okay and leaving before I can reject him, and my heart clenches that he even thinks I would do such a thing.
How can I fix this? My poor son. So desperate to please me he would kill his own fiery nature. Does he not realise it is part of who he is? Of course he doesn't. His Father never told him to be himself. Even now I can see flashes of memories.
Behave like Leonardo.
Learn like Donatello.
He happy like Michelangelo.
I am ashamed. How did I not notice what I was doing to him. I must proceed carefully, if he tries to leave again I doubt I could stop him in this condition. I would try though. I will not lose you, Raphael. But first I must make sure you do not lose yourself.
Even now, he stands before me with a wariness of my judgement. It is time to talk...