Hey big surprise, I decided to update!
The balance has returned. The First Order has basically run itself out of order. I'm so happy. And so tired. I barely got any sleep last night. Down side of being the General.
"Morning." Ben walks into my room and lays beside me on the bed. He pulls me close to him and kisses me on the cheek.
"Mmmmmm. I've more minutes." Does he not know by now that I am not a morning person?
"No, get up!" He whined. My heart soars. He's changed so much since I brought him to the light. I never dreamed I'd feel this kind of love.
"No!" I chuck a pillow at him.
"Fine." Finally, I think. Ben then proceeds to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me out of the room.
"Ben, put me down!" I scream, kicking. But I'm laughing too.
"Nope."
"Ben!" The people we pass in the hall laugh at the sight of their General being carried down the hall.
"You're all fired!" I shout, which warrants more laughter. Eventually, I just give and go limp, allowing Ben to carry me.
He sits me down in the dinner hall and proceeds to get us breakfast. I try to fall asleep on the table.
"Hey, Rey." I hear as two hands grab my shoulders.
"Holy-" I almost jump through the roof. "Rose! What the heck?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
"Yeah you did!"
"Ok, yes I did. But I couldn't help it! You were almost asleep in the table!"
I groan and then lower my head to the table again. Five minutes later, Ben lifts my head, to put a plate where it was.
"No more sleeping." He says. He also puts a large mug of coffee beside me.
"Now you're speaking my language." I say, taking a sip. He sits down beside me and starts to eat his own breakfast.
"What are we doing today?" Rose asks after breakfast.
"I honestly have no idea. Things are so much simpler now!"
"Well isn't that a good thing?"
"I guess, but it doesn't leave a lot to do. It doesn't make me feel like much of a General."
"Whether you do a lot or not," Rose says as she sits beside me and puts her arm around my shoulder, "people here look up to you. You are who they go to for guidance."
"You're right. I know you are, but it just doesn't feel right. I feel like I can never measure up to Leia now."
"You don't need to measure up to Leia. She did everything in her power, you have to do everything in yours."
"That's not much right now."
"I know, but I have a feeling that eventually, it will be."
"I hope you're right."
"I always am."
"Oh, you're humble too!" I get up to leave. I need to take a walk.
"You know it."
"Hardy-har."
I go to my favorite part of the base. It's where we have a memorial of Leia, Ben's idea. I like to sit down there, because I feel especially close to Leia, and I feel like she can guide me through tough times when I feel close enough to her.
"I feel like I'm failing you." I say aloud.
"You were the best General ever. I can never measure up to you, and I have nothing to do. No one needs me. If I were a good General, I'd find something to do. Help me." I fold myself into a little ball and just sit there. I can feel her, maybe it's because of the Force, but I can feel her as if she's hugging me. I sit down there for hours. It feels good to not be the center of attention for once. To be alone for a while.
Sometimes, it just feels good to cry. I miss Leia. I miss Han. I miss Luke. I miss being able to do something. I miss having something to do. I miss, I miss the old Rey. The one who didn't have the entire Resistance looking up to her, who had absolutely no weight on her shoulders. I know I told Rose it feels like I have nothing, no problems, but that fact alone makes me have multiple. I feel like everyone is silently judging me for not having anything to do. I'm scared they're all going to turn on me, strip me of my title and send me back to the bottom again. It might seem dramatic, but I am afraid.
"Rey?" Ben walks in and sits beside me. "Are you ok?"
I nod my head. Then I shake it. Then I shrug.
"Rey, please. You're scaring me. You're not sleeping anymore. You're always stressed. Love, you've got to tell me what's wrong."
I turn into him and cry. "I miss them, Ben."
"Who do you miss?"
"Leia, Han, Luke, the old me. I don't know what to do!"
"Then don't do anything." He strokes my hair and lets me cry. I mess up his shirt, but he doesn't care. That's why I love him so much. He always cares, he's always there for me on my tough days. He always, always puts me before him.
"Thank you." I say after I'm done crying. I don't even have to tell him anything, he just always knows.
"You're welcome." He kisses me on the cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too."