A/N: ICBC stands for the insurance corporation of British Columbia. They deal with car accidents (among other things) and I hate them.

Eleven Months Prior — December 2017

Ben stood in the sterilized hallway, bone-tired, and emotionally drained. A nurse brushed past him, but he couldn't bring himself to enter the room and face the consequences of the past eight years. To look his mother in her eyes.

He could just turn away. Go back. Return to the life he had made for himself with Snoke and Hux. He looked down at his battered right hand, and barely suppressed a smile despite the dire nature of the situation. Well, maybe not Hux. The man would probably never forgive him for breaking his nose. And probably his jaw. Maybe a rib? It wasn't like Ben had stayed to assess the damage to his former coworker. As soon as Hux had laid his stun baton across Han Solo's back, Ben had snapped. Everything, every small inconvenience, every reason he had had for hating his family fell away in that moment until it was only Han, his father, lying on the floor of the conference room, body broken…

He knew he had done the right thing, but he couldn't help the anxiety gnawing at his adrenaline-frayed nerves that told him he was wrong, he was throwing everything away, he would never be anything without Snoke.

He just wanted to sleep. Sleep, and go back to being fifteen. He wouldn't have gone to that rally. He wouldn't have run away right into Snoke's welcoming arms. He'd have run back to Leia and Han, and just stayed Ben.

But he was twenty-eight, an adult, and he was so damn tired of running.

He raised a fist and knocked.

His mother opened the door. They stared at each other, each taking in the changes that eight years had made. Ben broke eye contact first.

She ushered him inside and retook her place at the side of Han's unconscious figure. Neither of them spoke. Ben took a seat next to his father and examined the face he knew so well. Well-lined, life-worn, but still his father. His throat felt tight.

Time passed and neither broke the silence.

It was when rays of the weak December sunlight began to illuminate the dusty hospital blinds that Leia spoke. Her voice was quiet and creaked from disuse, but it was strong with emotion as it cut through the silence.

"Ben, oh Ben."

Ben couldn't seem to raise his eyes from where they hand fixated on the cut across Han's face. Leia reached across so that her hand was inches away from his. They didn't touch. Ben was grateful.

"Ben, look at me, please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a bad mom, and I'm sorry I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late."

Ben looked up for the first time since entering the room. Leia's eyes were soft, and brown and determined.

"Mom really, you can't blame yourself. I—"

She cut him off. "Don't interrupt me. I know I've been a shit mother, and you're twenty-eight and grown up, but it's been too long since I've been able to talk to you and goddammit, Ben Solo you will listen to me right now."

He shut up.

"I was a bad parent. I admit it. I put my job first, and I should have been aware of what that would cost me. But doesn't mean you didn't fuck up in a spectacular manner, because you really did. You hurt a lot of people—"

"—Mom, I…"

"Please shut up Ben, I'm still talking. I'm not asking for you to apologize, in any case."

"Then what—"

"Ben. Please. Just let me say this." Leia sighed, suddenly looking her age. "I'm not asking you to tell me what Snoke did to convince you."

Ben felt himself stiffen.

Leia noticed his discomfort. "I'm not, and I never will, unless you want to tell me. You don't owe me that information, anyways. All I ask is that you talk to someone about what happened."

"What?"

"Ben, you hurt a lot of people. People that I love, and have worked my whole life to protect. I can't just let that go." She looked worn, defeated. "I need some sort of confirmation that you've changed, Ben."

"I'm here aren't I?"

She smiled, her eyes sad. "You are. And I can only imagine what it took to leave that all behind. But the past doesn't just disappear, and healing isn't done in isolation. And," Leia looked up at him. "I'm afraid I can't help you in the ways you need." She looked utterly exhausted, clutching Han's hand.

Ben nodded, slowly. "What do you need me to do?"

Present Day — Late October 2018

"Ben, it's not that hard to understand. How do I get ICBC to pay me the highest amount possible without having to literally go to court?"

Ben and Finn were both seated at one of The Falcon's round tables. The day had been slow customer-wise, so at Poe's behest, the two had begun to decorate the cafe for Halloween. Well, at least Ben was. Finn had abandoned the pumpkin he had been carving in favour of pestering Ben for legal advice.

"I don't know why you're asking me for advice, Finn. I really don't know much about insurance corporations." He resolutely stabbed his knife into his pumpkin.

"Yeah, but you were a lawyer. You scammed people for a living, so you must have a sixth sense for it."

Ben sighed. "I really don't think you know what lawyers do. I didn't scam people. I was the one preventing the scamming." Well, at least at the beginning.

"Well, I'm trying to prevent myself from being scammed. Poe says they always low-ball you at first and you have to firm with them, but I hate being mean to people."

"You don't have to talk to them in person, you could just do it over the phone."

"You still have to talk to them though."

"Look, you're not going to be able to do anything in life if you're terrified of upsetting people."

"That's why I asked you. You have no problem upsetting people."

Ben glared at him

"Fine, fine, I'll drop it." He twiddled his carving knife with his uninjured hand. "What's that supposed to be, anyways?" Finn gestured to Ben's pumpkin with the knife.

"Don't worry about it."

"It looks like an octopus but like, with stubby arms."

"No it doesn't." Finn raised his eyebrows. Ben sighed. "It's a ghost." he admitted, begrudgingly.

Finn cocked his head to the side, considering the pumpkin like an art collector in a run-down gallery. "Yeah, I guess it does kinda if you squint a bit." Ben rolled his eyes.

"If you don't like it, you don't have to look at it."

"No, no… it has a sort of… charm to it?"

"Go back to trying to scam ICBC."

"I'm just trying to get what I'm owed."

"If you keep insulting me, I'll give you what you're owed—."

The door opened with a chime, and in swept Rey, her hair piled haphazardly in a bun, and her books clutched just as chaotically in her arms. She caught sight of the two of them.

"Hey Finn! I got those insurance books you wanted. My professor says you can borrow them until the end of term if you'd like."

She dumped a pile books on the table, narrowly missing some stray pumpkin sludge.

"Thanks so much, Peanut! Ben's been absolutely useless."

"Hey—"

Rey turned to him, looking as if she had just noticed he was there, and the insult he had been aiming a Finn died in his throat. She caught his eye and smiled, awkwardly, down at him, shifting her remaining books so they rested on her hip.

"Uh, Hey Rey." He said as he stabbed his pumpkin with his carving knife once again.

"Hey Ben! Espresso machine giving you any trouble today?"

"You've no idea." He said darkly. Rey laughed, and he felt a smirk tug at the corner of his mouth, in spite of himself.

"Well, I'm just a shout away if you need to utilize these fingers again."

"I'll be sure to yell loudly." He deadpanned.

She snorted and then suddenly looked awkward.

He sensed Finn's eyes on the back of his head.

"Anyways, I've got to go. It was nice seeing you guys. Bye Finn, Bye Ben. Nice octopus!"

"I— Uh, yeah, thanks. Bye, Rey."

The door chimed after Rey's retreating figure. Ben ignored Finn's prying eyes.

Ever since the day Rey had helped with him with the espresso machine, Ben had avoided thinking about the way she had so kindly offered to help him after he had been, well, horrible to her. He definitely wasn't about to start analyzing the numerous times she had mentioned the size of his body in proportion to hers. Because that would most certainly lead to him pondering how well she had fit wedged between him and the coffee machine, and how she'd blushed when she gazed up at him, and…

Fuck. He raked a hand across his face, inadvertently smearing pumpkin guts on his forehead.

Yes, maybe he appreciated the way her ratty tights emphasized an ass that belied a rigorous squat routine. He was human, dammit, sue him. And yes, maybe his hands felt a bit sweaty when she smiled at him. It wasn't his fault her eyes seemed to pierce right through him. And fine, maybe he had baked nut-free scones just in case Rey came in again when he had been working. That didn't mean he didn't find conversing with her completely irritating, and it certainly didn't mean he felt more than lust towards the girl. Really. Why the fuck was he even still thinking about this.

He heard the door chimed again, and looked up to see Poe entering the shop.

"Hey Ben! What did you end up deciding to carve?"

"An octopus."

Eight months prior — March 2018

He had sat in his car for half an hour in front of the nondescript grey building, business card clutched in his hand.

Dr. Amilyn Holdo, registered psychologist, had come highly recommended, and as such, it had taken several months for him to book an appointment. He drummed his fingers against his steering wheel, trying to calm the anxiety that was welling up within him. It wasn't that he was opposed to seeking therapy, god knew he needed it. But it had been a distant eventuality when he had agreed with his mother; now that the prospect of having a stranger know things about him, of explaining his past decisions to said stranger, and then have them pick apart emotions that he'd kept hidden since he'd been a teenager, was minutes away, he could barely suppress the urge to turn his car around and forget about any promises of recompense.

9:27 AM

He sighed, and went to drag his tired body out of his car, consigning himself to this inevitability.

The secretary was friendly. Probably a conscious hiring decision, he thought as she handed him several insurance forms to fill out. Leia had offered to pay for the therapy sessions, but Ben had vehemently refused. He had enough money, and god, Leia had done enough already. He handed back the completed forms, and waited for Dr. Holdo.

She was nothing like he had imagined. She was tall and regal with a kind smile and pinkish-purple bob. The height and the smile were in the realm of potentialities that he had prepared for; the hair had thrown him for a loop. She smiled at him, and ushered him into her office.

The first half-hour went by faster than Ben had anticipated. She asked him simple questions; how old he was, what he went to school for, what he did for work. When he mentioned that he worked as a barista at a coffee shop, but used to be a lawyer, Dr. Holdo raised an eyebrow. He sighed, knowing they had arrived at Snoke.

He began to explain, in the vaguest terms possible, the different aspects of his employment with First Order Inc. At Holdo's behest, he began to elaborate, slowly, on his relationship with Snoke. The way Snoke seemed to switch from rage to kindness at will; the way Ben had first learned to sense the shift in the old man's moods, and later how to placate him.

"Did you enjoy working for Snoke?"

He shrugged. He fixated on the clock in the left corner of the room. "It was hard. Nothing…nothing was freely given. Everything had a price. But I had a place. I had respect, and I…I earned Snoke's kindness."

His stomach twisted; he felt disgusted with himself for admitting so much.

Dr. Holdo's eyes were soft. He couldn't hold her gaze.

"Kindness is not a commodity, Ben. True generosity doesn't imply reciprocation."

Ben picked at a spot on his hand. Dr. Holdo continued.

"None of what Snoke was to you denotes genuine kindness or generosity, Ben. I need you to realize that the relationship you have described to me was unhealthy; imbalanced." Ben frowned, and started to speak, but Holdo held up a hand. "I'm not here to judge you, or make judgements on other people's actions. That's not my job. But before we start this process, Ben, I need you to know that there are people in your life who won't expect you to barter for affection. It'll be something that's hard to unlearn, but that's why we're here."

Ben stared at her, vulnerable under her sharp gaze.

"Isn't that what this is, though? Another transaction?"

She raised a manicured eyebrow, and Ben felt a surge of rage rise from the pit of his stomach. He had seen this look in a mentor's eyes before; he recognized this piercing intelligence.

"It's obvious, isn't it? I sit here, you listen to my sob story, paraphrase a bit and spit out some pre-scripted platitude, and then I'm stuck with the bill. It's all the same. You're naive to ignore the reality that everything has a price. Life isn't free."

"Is it the nature of a counselling session that bothers you, or my apparent apathy?"

"How can you possibly genuinely care about my problems? You don't know me at all. You met me half an hour ago."

"Is it so odd for someone to simply want the best for you?"

"Snoke wanted the best for me. Look where that got me."

"Snoke never wanted anything that he didn't take from you, Ben."

"He didn't force me. I— I chose to go to him." The words we for his ears as much as they were for hers.

"You did."

"I could have left earlier."

"You could have. What stopped you from leaving?"

He looked at her, deliberately holding her gaze.

"I didn't want to. At least not at first. The power afforded to me by Snoke… it was exhilarating. It made everything worth it. I finally felt like I was in control of myself. I where I was meant to be.

"What changed?"

"The jobs changed. The Alderaan policy that I worked on draining resources for for five years finally declared bankruptcy and I had a lot more free time. Snoke was impressed by my work and put me in charge of one of his satellite operations." Ben felt the word tumble out of him without care for the secrets he was revealing. Soon, the entire affair, his rise in the company, his use of subterfuge and secrets in backdoor political agendas and the resultant disastrous effects on public policy came spilling out. He took a breath, feeling strangely lightheaded. "I had more power than ever, but it felt…wrong. I wasn't myself. I didn't even go by my own name, it was too dangerous, Snoke told me, but it was actually so nothing could be traced back. It wasn't what I wanted to be doing, and it definitely wasn't what I had studied for. Snoke eventually promoted me to be his right hand. I should have been ecstatic, it was everything I thought I wanted. But I couldn't remove myself from what I was really doing. I was second in command of a company that targeted the neediest in society. That targeted children." He sighed, looking at his clasped hands. "And that wasn't much of a victory."

"Ben. Thank-you so much for sharing all of this. I can see that this has been very difficult for you."

He looked up at her. He had pressed the nail of his finger so deep into his palm he had drawn blood.

"I— I need to leave."

When he left Dr. Holdo's office that day, he fully intended to never come back. He didn't understand how she had been able to pinpoint exactly what he feared most about his relationship with Snoke. He had promised himself he would never ponder the specifics Snoke's emotional manipulation, because that's what it was, emotional manipulation, not affection, not kindness, not love. Ben had been isolated his entire adult life, and he was just beginning to realize the toll it had took on his perception of the world. It hurt, and he'd be damned if he'd willingly subject himself to Holdo's prying eyes again.

"There are people in your life who won't expect you to barter for affection."

Leia's tired eyes came to his mind, and Ben made a second appointment.

A/N: I know, I know. Lots of angst and not a lot of Ben/Rey interaction. Unfortunately this chapter was necessary to set up the rest of the fic. I promise the next chapter will be FULL of sweet sweet UST.

Disclaimer: The therapy session was drawn from my own experiences as a client. I don't claim to know anything about psychotherapy.

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