Jade closed the door and I finally let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding.
I don't even really understand what just happened. Jade says she has no feelings for me, that she just likes to flirt and that's all it is but can I really believe that? Maybe the question I should be asking myself is why do I want to believe so badly that it was all an act?
Did I want the flirting to mean something? I assumed Jade had feelings for me and that the flirting stemmed from it but now hearing from Jade that there are no feelings I feel lost.
"I want Jade to flirt with me." I say out loud, but it doesn't feel right so I try again.
"I want Jade to have feelings for me." There. The thing I had been avoiding for weeks now, refusing to allow myself to acknowledge finally said out loud and it couldn't be more accurate.
I want Jade to have feelings for me and I think by now it is more than a little obvious that I have feelings for her as well. Maybe it's an innocent crush from all the attention she has given me or maybe it's the fact that Jade is just an easy person to like once you get to know her, either way I'm completely screwed.
I've read stories about teachers who have affairs with their students and I am always disgusted. How could a teacher let themselves get close enough to a student to develop feelings?
Well it turns out it's a lot easier than it sounds.
How could a teacher take advantage of their student like that? A child who trusted them.
Jade isn't a child and from all the flirting it wouldn't be me taking advantage of her at all.
God, why am I talking like something is going to happen between us? I will never allow anything close to an inappropriate relationship between us happen.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't wished I could just tell Jade this friendship is over, that it's inappropriate and I am ending it immediately, but I can't.
It wouldn't be fair to her, it wasn't her fault really that this had happened; I'm the adult, the one expected to control situations like this. And Jade is just the kid who didn't know any better.
I walk to my mirror and watch myself talk as if it will somehow make the words mean more.
"This is an innocent crush. You do not have real feelings for your student. You cannot have real feelings for your student. She does not have real feelings for you." That last part was harder to say for some reason but it was true.
Jade is a flirt and while I know she is capable of having real feelings and emotions for someone, I know that doesn't have them for me.
Finally coming to some sort of closure I quickly change hoping I didn't make Jade wait to long for me.
I put on a pair of leggings and a lose white t-shirt and grabbed my purse before heading out the door.
Jade was on the phone with someone by the time I got to the car but she quickly ended the phone call before I could hear any of the conversation.
"I hope I didn't take too long to get ready." I said sliding into the seat closing the door behind me.
"You're fine it wasn't that long." Jade said turning the car on and pulling off into the street. "I do have a very important question for you though."
My head snapped to in Jade's direction and I could feel my heart getting ready to jump out of my chest.
"IHOP or Denny's." Jade didn't even take her eyes off the read while asking and thank the lord she didn't otherwise I'm sure she would see me looking like a kid caught stealing from the cookie jar.
Finally, I collect myself enough to answer her question.
"Which ever you want, I made you go without your morning coffee you can chose."
Jade smiles at the mention of her coffee and I can't help but smile back. Jade's smile, her real smile never fails to make me feel like I'm witnessing something rare and beautiful.
"IHOP it is then, there's one around the corner." She hums while tapping her thumbs on the steering wheel.
Jade always taps when she's nervous or excited, this is probably the longest that girl has gone in her life without coffee so I assume it's the latter.
We finally pull into the parking lot and Jade practically jumps out of the car and sprints into the restaurant, only stopping to hold the door open for me.
"Two coffees." Jade says before the waitress has the chance to ask.
I try to hide my laugh but Jade catches me.
"What's so funny?" She asks raising her eyebrow.
"I'll just always have to remember to never keep you from your morning coffee again." I say smiling.
Jade simply nods, her focus is on the waitress as she returns with two cups of coffee.
"Anything else for you two besides the coffee?" The waitress asks.
"Are you hungry?" Jade asks after gulping down half her coffee in one sip.
I smile and nod.
"Can I have two pancakes, bacon and eggs over easy please."
The waitress simply nods and writes the order down then turns to Jade.
"Anything else for you sweetheart?" The waitress asks in a not so subtle flirty voice.
I have to stop myself from going off on the waitress.
Jade just shakes her head without acknowledging her and goes back to sipping her coffee and the waitress walks away clearly pissed she didn't get the reaction she had hoped for.
I stare at Jade waiting for her to look up from her coffee and when she finally does she looks completely confused.
"What?"
"She was flirting with you." I say like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I know." Jade says calmly as she finishes her first cup.
"You know?" I ask confused and a little frustrated. "You didn't even acknowledge it."
"It happens a lot, you learn to ignore it." Jade shrugs and begins to look around for what I assume is another waitress to bring her more coffee.
I stare at Jade for a second before thinking about what she said. 'it happens a lot', I had never really stopped and thought about the fact that Jade must get hit on a lot. I know that she's pretty, and I know the reputation she has around school, but for some reason I never stopped to really think about it.
I looked at her for what felt like the first time and saw more than just Jade my student. She had long shiny dark hair I'm sure most women would kill for, her eyes are amazing, sometimes you couldn't tell if they were green or blue. Her lips are the kind women wish they had and men wanted to kiss. It was no secret that Jade had an amazing figure, I think I remember her talking about going to the gym a few times during class. And the way that she carried herself, like she knew how amazing she was attractive.
Jade was genuinely a beautiful woman and for the first time since we met I saw her as just that, a beautiful woman and not my student.
"Hello? Earth to Tori." Jade says while snapping her fingers in front of my face.
"What?" I ask coming back to reality.
"I said why do you care if someone flirts with me?"
Crap.
"Oh I was just wondering why it seemed like you didn't care, she was pretty." I say smoothly enough that even I would believe it.
Jade shrugs before replying "She's not my type."
"And what is your type?" I ask without missing a beat.
Jade smirked and I could tell that was the wrong question to ask.
"Depends."
"On what?" I ask raising my eyebrow to mimic what Jade had done earlier.
"If it's for fun or something more."
More? I didn't think Jade ever did "more" with anyone, or at least that's how she made it seem.
"What exactly constitutes as more?"
Jade paused for a second and I got the feeling that she wasn't even sure what more means. But like always she composed herself so quickly you could hardly tell there was any hesitation.
"The waitress, that's something that's just for fun. I know that if I really wanted to I could walk over there right now, get her number and probably sleep wither by the end of the night. It sounds cocky but it's true, I understand I'm an attractive person. And not in the 'oh look at me I'm so pretty type of way', but I have a decent face, my boobs are huge and the rest of my body is good, I'm talented and if I care enough my personality isn't horrible. So I'm attractive, when you look even remotely better than average it's pretty easy finding people to have fun with. It's not a challenge and that's okay, if I took the waitress's number and fucked her later I doubt she would be expecting me to call after and that's the way I like it. But sometimes there are people who I would want more than just a one-time thing, it doesn't happen a lot but it does in fact happen." Jade stopped to acknowledge the waitress refilling her coffee and I stop to process what Jade had just said.
All of it was interesting, but I realize Jade never answered the question of what 'more' means to her and I want the answer more than I'm willing to admit.
"You never answered the question though Jade, I understand that meaningless sex is more appealing to you than having something more with someone, but what does more mean?"
Jade looked nervous from my question but I wasn't going to back down until I got my answer.
"I'm sure you've been in relationships before, you know what more means and the difference between that and just sleeping with someone." Jade barely finished her sentence before she was back to practically chugging her coffee.
"Yes I know the difference and I also know what more means to me, but I don't want some vague general answer of what is socially acceptable as more, I want Jade West's version of what more actually means." I refuse to break eye contact with Jade, I have a feeling if I do she'll find some excuse to avoid answering my question.
We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity but I'm sure is only a few seconds before she finally gives in.
"Jesus I don't know what the hell 'more' means okay? My only actual relationship was with my best friend and the only thing that came out of that was the discovery that I don't like dick. I wouldn't even know what 'more' with someone would mean for me." Jade got quite for a while after that and right as I was about to apologize for bringing it up se spoke again.
"Maybe, I don't know, maybe for me 'more' is someone actually knowing me because sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. Or actually liking that I'm kind of an asshole rather than trying to change me, or knowing when I want to talk and when I need for things to be silent. I know I'm capable of more than just sex with a person, so I guess more would be giving someone everything I know I can give without being a pussy and ending it when it got real." Jade refuses to look at me after and I can feel my heart in my chest beating faster once again.
This is the most serious conversation we have had so far, and every time I feel like I know her she opens up and I learn more.
I can tell that I'm smiling, which I know I shouldn't be doing during a serious talk like this but I know, I know that Jade doesn't open up like this; and here she is telling me things I don't think she's ever told anyone before.
She makes it so damn hard not to like her.
"You'll find that with someone Jade I promise, and I promise it's worth waiting for and worth sticking around for. I know you like fun and easy, but don't be afraid to go for more just because it's new and scary."
Jade just smiles before sarcastically saying "I don't get scared."
Andddd there's my Jade.
"Oh of course not, Jade West isn't afraid of anything." I say rolling my eyes and giggling.
Jade just finishes the rest of her coffee quietly and asks the waitress for the check.
"So what type of girl could get the big bad Jade West to want more?" I say gathering my things as we get ready to head to the front to pay.
And of course Jade being Jade, just shrugs and replies "you" like it's the most obvious thing in the world.