I don't even remember the car ride to Beck's, it feels like I blinked and ended back in his drive way.
Some neighborhood kids run by screaming and that jolts me out of the daze I've been in since I left Tori's. I get out of the car and walk to Beck's trailer before walking in without even bothering to knock.
"Hey, I could have been naked!" Beck shouts from his bed before cracking a smile.
I don't even bother to tell him I'd rather die than see him naked, I just sit down and rub my eyes praying this headache would disappear.
"Jade what's wrong." He asks getting up from his bed and sitting next to me.
"I fucked up." I say looking up to meet his eyes.
"What do you mean, what happened?" He asks sounding more concerned than I've heard him in a long time.
I'm trying to think of how to even explain what the fuck just happened, but all I can do is stare at the wall and wonder how things got this way.
"Jade, whatever it is we'll get through it okay? You gotta tell me what's going on or I can't help."
I barley feel Beck rubbing my back, but his words snap me back to reality.
"I almost kissed Tori." I say sounding so fucking pathetic I almost don't recognize my own voice.
Beck's face lights up a little, but I continue before he can comment.
"Before we could, Mr. Harris came to her house and found me." I feel like im going to throw up as I say the last part.
"Oh fuck." Is all Beck says for a while, and I start to get used to the silence before he breaks it.
"We need alcohol." Beck says as he stands and leaves the trailer.
He comes back a few minutes later with a bottle of Jack and two glasses.
He fills up my glass before handing it to me and I finish it before he can even fill his glass.
"Where's doll boy." I ask as he pours me another drink.
"His mom came home so he's back there for now." Beck says before he throws back his drink.
"I really fucked up." I say before finishing the drink.
"I know." Beck says as he pours me another.
"I… I like her." I down my drink as soon as I admit it.
"I know." He says before refilling my drink.
"What the hell am I going to do?" I ask, my words sluring a little.
"I don't know, but whatever it is I promise we'll figure it out together, okay?" Beck says leaning his head on mine.
I nod before sighing and falling back on his bed.
"Um Jade, where are your shoes?" Beck asks sounding confused.
I just groan before burying my head in his pillow.
Turns out having five glasses of whiskey makes it a little hard to drive home, so I end up crashing with Beck at his place.
We take my car to school and im so nervous about seeing Tori again I end up getting us there twenty minutes early.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay." Beck says trying to calm me down.
"I really don't see any version of this going okay." I say tapping my hands on the steering wheel nervously.
"Lets just see how today goes okay? And afterwards we'll figure out what to do about this whole thing." Beck grabs my hands to stop the tapping.
I look at Beck and try and force a smile on my face.
"Hey, since were here so early, I think we should take a trip to the black box." Beck says smirking.
I can't help but actually smile this time, Beck always knows how to help.
"After you Beckett." I say getting out of the car and heading into the school.
You would think that with as many stoners go to this school, they would try to make it harder to smoke on campus, fortunately for us the school seems to be willing to over look it as long as we continue to be the top performing arts school in the city.
"Any idea what you're gonna say when you see her?" Beck asks before he lights the blunt.
"I was gonna go with 'Hi' and go from there." I say sounding completely lost.
Beck just laughs as he passes the blunt to me.
"I think you might need a little more than hi." He says still laughing.
I take a long drag before exhaling and looking at him.
"What else can I say? 'Oh, hey sorry I tried to kiss you the other day, and super sorry your friend and one of my teachers caught us before we could, by bad.'" I say bitterly before taking another hit and handing it to Beck.
"Maybe just start by asking if you guys could talk." Beck shrugs as he takes another hit.
"I doubt she'll even want to talk to me at all." I say sounding way more hurt than I intended to.
"Hey, she's just as much at fault here as you okay? She can't get mad at you for something she participated in as well." Beck says sincerely, before handing me the rest of the blunt.
"You're right, I'll just tell her we need to talk and try not to act like a kid who just got in trouble." I say before killing the blunt.
Right after I put it out the bell rings and I sigh before grabbing my things.
God why does Cat have to be out of town right now? I could really use a distraction.
"Good luck dude, text me if you need anything." Beck says before heading off to his first class of the day.
I mumble out thanks before heading to my class, I half hope Tori took another personal day, so I could avoid this conversation.
My hopes are quickly crushed when I walk into the class room and see Tori standing at the front of the class.
She looks off, I can tell she didn't sleep at all last night and I immediately feel guilty. I avoid looking at her and head back to my seat, I can feel her eyes on me but when I sit down she ignores me completely.
This is gonna be a long day.
Class passes by in a blur and before I know it the bell rings and I know I have to suck it up and have this talk.
I wait until everyone leaves before walking up to Tori's desk, I'm about to speak when she cuts me off.
"Jade you need to head to class." She says dully, like I'm any other student.
Now im kind of pissed off, I get we fucked up, but she doesn't need to act like I'm just another student.
"No, I need to talk to you about what happened yesterday." I say trying not to snap at her.
"We're not talking about that right now Jade." She snaps out.
"Well when the hell are we going to talk about it? Should I show up at your house again?" I say clearly pissed off.
Tori's eyes go wide, and I almost feel bad about my comment, almost. She's the one that is making this harder than it should be.
"Meet me here at lunch, we'll talk then." Tori says before turning her back and focusing on the board.
It takes everything in me not to go off on her, but I know that'll just make the situation worse, so I turn around and head to my next class of the day.
Fuck this is going to be a long day.
Finally, after what feels like the longest three hours of my life, the bell for lunch rings and I practically run to Tori's room.
"Close the door." Tori says from her desk
I shut the door and hesitate before walking up to her desk.
"That's close enough." She says when I'm a few feet away from her.
I scoff, "Are you afraid I'm gonna try and kiss you?" I ask not trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.
"Don't joke like that." She says rubbing the tension from her eyes.
"It's not really a joke if it's already happened." I say quickly losing patience.
"Jade," Tori starts before I cut her off.
"No, you don't get to act like I'm the asshole here okay? You didn't kick me out of your bed, you let me touch you and you leaned in to kiss me too. Don't act like everything's on me." I rush out before she can cut me off.
She looks like she's about to start crying again and take a step forward before she puts her hand up to stop me.
"Please don't come closer Jade." She begs.
"Then fucking talk to me Tori!" I yell out.
"What do you want me to say?" She asks, finally meeting my eyes.
"I want you to fucking talk to me, what the hell happened last night?" I ask taking a step forward.
"It was a mistake okay? A lapse in judgement that will never happen again." She says while avoiding my eyes.
"Almost kissing someone doesn't just accidentally happen Tori. Why did you try to kiss me?" I ask, my voice losing some of its venom.
"Why where you going to let me?" She snaps back
I pause trying to figure out how to answer her without fucking this situation up any more than I already have. Finally, I decide to be honest, can't really do anymore damage.
"Because I've thought about kissing you since I first met you." I say honestly, trying to meet her eyes.
Tori starts to cry then, and I forget about being pissed at her.
"Tori please don't cry." I say taking another step forward.
She lets me get close enough to reach out to her, so I do. I reach for her hand before she moves it away.
"You're making this harder for me Jade, can't you see that?" She asks looking up to meet my eyes
"Tell me how to make it easier for you then." I say trying to keep my emotions out of my voice.
"I need to be your teacher Jade, I can't be anything else to besides that. You can't text me, we can't spend time outside of school together and we can't be friends." She whispers out.
"Why can't we be friends? I promise I won't try anything with you." I say panicking.
"Jade I'm the one that tried to kiss you. I'm the adult here, not you. It was my responsibility to keep this relationship appropriate and I didn't. You didn't do anything wrong, this is all on me and I'm so sorry." Tori says as her tears begin to fall.
I grab her hand and she tries to pull away again, but I hold on not letting her go.
"It's not your fault Tori, I wanted you to kiss me, I got into bed with you when I knew what could happen, it's my fault and I'm sorry. I promise I wont ever do anything like that again." I say begging her not to end this, whatever it is.
"Jade its over okay? This friendship has to be over because were never going to be able to be just friends. I don't want to just be your friend." She says looking at me with tears in her eyes.
"We were just friends before this, why can't we go back to that?" I ask trying to find some way to change her mind.
"And I wanted to kiss you every time we were together! Or I got jealous when I saw you hook up with that girl. Jade just being your friend is so hard for me, can't you see that?" she asks
"So, I'm just supposed to go back to only speaking to in class and that's it?" I ask feeling upset again.
"Yes Jade, that's all we can be." She says rubbing my hand, trying to calm me down.
"What if that's not enough for me?" I say moving closer to her.
"Jade please don't make this hard for me than it already is." She says
"Just give me something to hold onto. Please." I ask before I cup her face and move closer.
I start to lean in and so does Tori, before resting her forehead on mine.
"I can't Jade." She whispers
'Why not?" I ask trying to keep my voice steady.
"Because if I kiss you I won't be able to stop. I can't kiss you once and never be able to kiss you again, it would be too hard." She says before wrapping herself around me.
I hold her for as long as I can, before the bell rings and I know I have to let her go.
I hold her tighter for a few seconds before I press a kiss to her forehead and force myself to walk out of the room as fast as I can.