Hi again. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, your kindness means the world to me. I hope you're enjoying this story, I love this Alex and John. Have some comfort-y fluff. Probably another new chapter this week

John got home and found me in my study, still in my pajamas, still wrapped in the duvet, still staring at my email inbox… waiting for work to come in. Waiting for anything to come in.

"Come on out, Alex, let's go do something."

I tightened my grip on the blanket, "go away."

He leaned against the door frame, "yeah, not gonna happen. I love you too much to let you keep doing this. Come on."

I shook my head and shifted down further in the chair.

"Alex, baby, come on, when's the last time you ate or moved or did anything other than drink coffee. It's been over a week." His eyes met the uneaten plate of breakfast he'd left me this morning before he went to work, still sitting on the corner of my desk.

I shrugged and he closed the distance between us, my sense of panic intensifying, everything telling me to run. He ran his fingers through my hair and pulled my head into his waist.

"John…" I started, not entirely sure where I wanted the sentence to end, he stopped me.

"Shh. Come here, the sad part is over. The wallowing part is over. Let's go and kick some ass. It's time for the angry part to come back."

"I don't want to."

"I know. But it's time, let's go. You need a shower, babe. Step one. We can do step one."

Shower... Mist. Rain. Water. Wet. Wind. Storm. Hurricane. Mama. Fire. Smell. Sick. Wet. Water. Rain. Mist. My breathing sped up and I dug my nails into my hands, "no, no, no. I can't."

"Alexander, come on, love. Real quick."

I held back the urge to flee and let him escort me to the bathroom, he peeled the duvet away from me and bunched it up in the hallway. He turned on the shower, the pipes creaking as they filled, the sound of the water hitting the porcelain made a lump settle in my throat.

"Clothes off, let's do this," he rubbed my arm and looked at me sympathetically, adding with a grin, "I'll join you."

I was frozen, caught sight of myself in the mirror, scraggly stubble grew across my face, cheeks gaunt and sunken, bruise-purple under my eyes, creases in my forehead, hair in greasy strings, dandruff settled into the center partline. I was hard to look at.

John was still rubbing my arm, I had tuned him out but refocused, "what do you say, Alexander, easy way or hard way?"

With the shred of dignity I had I pulled my shirt off, not oblivious to the smell, and let it fall to the floor, I shed my pants as well.

"There ya go, well done, alright, come on." John stepped into the shower, now nude himself and offered a hand to me, I took it and stepped in, as far from the showerhead as I could be. He closed the curtain.

"I can take a shower by myself." I reminded him, voice acidic.

"I know you can, but I want to be with you. That okay?" he dropped his head back and let the water run over his face and hair. I swallowed hard, watching the droplets bounce off his skin and splash onto me. I recoiled at the sensation. Mist. Rain. Water. Wet.

He lathered his strawberry shampoo into his hair and I felt my tension lose some of its footing, finally able to catch a full breath. John reached out a wet hand to me and I shied away from his touch.

"Your turn, love."

I nodded and let him slide his slick body past me as we traded places with each other, he ran his hand across my chest. The water hit, stinging like needles. Mist. Rain. Water. Wet. My breath caught and my knees quaked. He was encircling me. I tried to slow my breathing, panicking, couldn't breathe. Water. Can't breathe? Drowning? I exhaled and realized the burn in my chest wasn't from drowning, but from holding my breath too long.

John was crooning in my ear, "okay, okay, you're safe. I gotcha, darlin', all okay. Alexander, hey, listen, you're alright."

I was drenched and leaned into his touch, convinced I'd fall over if not for his arms holding me up. The water washed away my fight and I stood there, breath coming in hiccups. He pulled back to look at me.

"Thank you." I mumbled as he started washing my hair.

"Shh, don't worry about it. I love you, do anything to make you okay." I leaned into him again, soapy forehead on his collarbone.

With the panic receding, I washed my body, he stayed with me despite being done showering. I went as quickly as possible, desperate to be done. He dried off and dressed himself, I dried myself, dragging the towel roughly over my skin, leaving red marks in its wake. I pulled on clothing he'd set out for me, including his hoodie that I loved so much.

"Alright, here, sit." He motioned to the toilet, I obliged, and then he started rummaged in the cupboard under the sink, retrieving a hairdryer, he uncoiled the cord and plugged it into the wall.

"I'm fine, stop fussing over me."

He ran the conditioning oil he insisted I use through my hair and combed the snares out with my brush. Once the week's worth of tangles were out he took the hairdryer in hand, "here, since you hate being wet so much," he smiled at me and turned the appliance on, drying my locks. It took a while, my hair thick and long, but he persisted.

"Thank you." I mumbled again once he was finished.

"Of course. Now, step one is done, you're so fresh and so clean, now step two, what will you eat? Anything in the whole world, we live in New York City, if you'll eat it, I'll find it, whether it's arroz con gandules or fucking borscht, I'll get it." He opened the door of the steamy bathroom and tossed the duvet onto our bed, I noticed he'd been sleeping under a tiny throw blanket and felt a pang of shame at leaving him to sleep cold and alone under the thin blanket. I followed him to the living room.

"Not hungry." I bit a loose hangnail on my thumb.

"Cool, well, that sucks because we're rapidly entering the 'you're gonna die' stage of not eating, so 'not hungry' is no longer a good enough answer. So what'll it be?"

"Just… whatever you want."

"Babe, I'll literally eat anything as long as you eat some too. I want to get something you'll at least try to eat. What sounds even kind of good?"

I thought about it, "can you just make some spaghetti or some shit?"

He screwed up his face, thinking, "I'm pretty sure we used the last jar of sauce, how about I go get you some from Giovanni's. Or if I'm going out do you want alfredo?"

I shrugged, "don't care. You sure you don't mind going out?"

"Not even a bit. Do you want to come?"

I shook my head, "it's too cold."

He grinned and kissed the top of my head before tucking his still wet hair under a beanie and wrapping himself in his jacket. He did the 'keys, wallet, phone' pat down before leaving. I curled fetal on the couch, wanting a cigarette, but feeling too lazy to get one. Exhaustion won me over and I fell asleep, not waking until John got back.

"Oh, you were asleep, that's good. Sorry, I took so long, okay, got lasagna, spaghetti with no meat sauce, spaghetti with meat sauce and chicken alfredo… and breadsticks. Take your pick, just please eat something."

I watched as he laid out the small tin pie pans and I grabbed the alfredo container and a breadstick. John tucked into his meatlessly sauced spaghetti and pretended not to watch me as I picked at the breadstick, eating a small bite, my stomach unsettled by the food after… I thought about it… three days since my last meal.

I ate the noodles at a birdlike pace, all my attention turned to convincing my mind that I was hungry, John finished his spaghetti and set the empty container down.

"Work sucks without you." John broke the silence.

I set my food on the table, done pretending I was eating, "at least you have a job."

John grabbed me by the shoulders and tugged my head into his lap, playing with my hair, "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to complain, I just really liked being around you all day."

"Me too." I nuzzled into his stomach, not wanting my face exposed.

"I've been thinking, why don't you go back to school, Alex? Finish your law degree, you're between jobs, why not change careers? You're not going to be fulfilled or happy working somewhere like Buzzfeed, go do something that matters."

"How do you suggest I do that, John?" I sneered, "I'm already $30,000 in the hole."

"Well, we'd figure it out, but do you think you'd want to?"

"I-I don't know, never gave it too much thought, felt too far fetched, I mean, maybe."

"I bet we could get you in for the Spring semester."

"Maybe." I rubbed my face.

He started braiding back a piece of my hair from the temple, "we don't have to talk about it right now. Hey, you remember Polly's gonna be in town next week, right? Is that still okay with you? She loves Lafayette, could go stay with him if you want."

I shook my head, "no, it's fine if she's here. She's your sister, of course she can stay here."

"If you change your mind that's okay."

"Okay." I worked my jaw and glanced up at him.

He smoothed hair away from my face and traced my cheekbones through the scraggly stubble growing there, "what's the matter?"

"John, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For getting fired, for being a burden to you. You should just leave me. I told you when this started, this wouldn't end well."

He let out a heavy sigh, and patted my hip, encouraging me into a sitting position, he maneuvered me in his lap, I felt small, annoyed by my stature that I fit in his lap against his chest so well, he laced his fingers together around my waist, "Alexander, do you love me?"

I sputtered in annoyance, "John, don't be dense, of course I love you. You should know that by now."

"And I love you. That's what's important, not whether or not you have a job. Not what that job is, just that we love each other. We're set, darlin', honestly, we never need to work again, either of us, and that would be just fine."

"I don't want you to waste your orphan money on me."

He craned his neck and kissed my temple, "not a waste. As long as I'm with you nothing else matters. I just want to be with my man, have him happy, see him smile. You're never a waste, you're my favourite."

"But there are way better people."

"Not for me there aren't. You're my heart and soul, darlin'," he held me tighter, the exhaustion I felt weakened my resolve and I rested my head against him.

"I love you. I'm sorry I'm a burden." I told him again.

"You aren't. But, hey, I need you to take care of yourself, alright? Can you please eat some more for me?"

I shook my head, "I'm really not hungry."

He sighed and kissed my forehead, "well, it's here for you when you are."