#####OQ#####
Oliver had arrived back in her room that next morning to find her sleeping, or he thought she was sleeping until she opened her eyes and ask, "Oliver, do you know how to braid?"
"Braid? You mean like hair?"
She smiled slightly at him through the oxygen mask. "Of course, I mean hair. My hair is a mess, and I thought maybe you could help me brush it out and then put it up in a braid. A braid would help keep the tangles out." She then coughed repeatedly and spit in the tissue in her hand.
"Okay, I can try."
"My brush is in my bag. Could you get it? Then could you help me get in that chair."
He retrieved the brush and then lifted her carefully, trying not to get wound up in the tubes and leads that where now a vital part of her. Slowly, he sat her in the chair beside the bed. He hated this enemy called sickness. It was an enemy, he couldn't fight, couldn't win against. He could only wait to see if it took her from him.
"You're losing weight, Felicity." He pulled her hair out of her gown.
"Best diet plan ever. Eat hospital food or rather don't eat hospital food. I should sell that idea. I would be rich." Her cough came again, and she groaned. Placed a hand on her shoulder, he steadied her, while wishing he could give her his strength.
"No, diets for you. Your weight is fine. But you need to eat more."
"You say that as long as I'm thin."
"No, I will love you, Felicity, no matter what size you are."
"Brush, Oliver. I'm getting tired already. I never knew my head was this heavy."
Slowly, he began to brush her hair. It was such a personal thing to do for her. Her hair felt good under his hands, as he slowly brushed and worked the tangles away. This was something he had never done before for any woman, ever, and somehow it seemed more intimate than even having sex. He would never forget it.
Carefully, he brushed and as he found snarls and tangles, he worked through them. It was odd, but he found the act of brushing her hair relaxing, and the repeated motion comforted him, calmed him and grounded him somehow. She didn't talk as he brushed, and he didn't either. But she did sigh for him, and she leaned in to his touch, something he absorbed like a sponge.
When the oxygen tubing got in the way of his brushing, he removed it, and she held the mask against her face with her hand while he brushed. She was quiet enough, her silence began to bother him. He had to speak.
"Are you feeling worse this morning? You are too quiet. Not like you."
"I'm tired today. The cough's worse too. I can't lay down anymore."
"I'm sorry about that. You know I miss your chatter. The way you fill the quiet for me."
"I don't have the air to babble for you today. I wish I did."
"Felicity, I love your babble. It amuses me, and we both know I need to be amused."
"You're too hard on yourself. Brush, Oliver. I can't sit here much longer."
"I want you to know that you've brightened my life with not only with your words but with your presence. I can't imagine my life without you anymore. You're going to get better. Promise me?"
"I'm trying to stay, Oliver." She reached up and caught his hand that held the brush for a moment and squeezed.
Finally done and her hair tangle free, he carefully braided the silky blonde locks, and then he realized he needed a hair tie, and he frowned at the thought of giving up the one in his pocket. It had become his worry stone, and he bit his lip/ "Felicity, do you have a hair tie?"
"I think there's one in my purse." She reached out and clasp his hand then released him. "But don't you have one in your pocket?"
Trust her to know that. He gave a small smile. She was smart as usual. "Don't you have another one? That one's mine." Reaching, he fingered her hair tie in his pocket, then removed his hand.
"Really? I'm pretty sure it started out mine."
She teased him, making him almost smile.
"Well it was, but now it's mine."
"What you don't want to share?" She answered in a light voice, but then she coughed and he cringled.
He reached and took the oxygen mask from her hand. Carefully, he adjusted the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and then scooped her up like she was a child. Sitting down on the bed with her in his lap, he tried to hold her around all the tubes and lines she was attached too.
She settled against his chest, and he whispered. "No, I don't want to share ever. Not ever. Ray was bad enough. You don't know how hard that was on me. Believe me, I mean never, do I want to do that again. And your hair tie has been mine ever since I took it out of your hair on the porch that wonderful morning. You know you were too sexy in that bikini."
"Shame, I heard that they cut it off me."
He laughed then frowned deeply as she coughed and gagged, and he handed her several tissues so she could spit.
When she finished gasping and spitting, she laid back against his chest and he savored her. "And I want you to know that you've have been mine from the moment I first laid my eyes on you. And I want to make you mine from now on. Hey, hey, look at me, Felicity."
Her eyes found his, and he pressed his lips tightly together. "I want to ask . . . you. . . to . . ."
A small knock interrupted him and the door opened and in walked the respiratory therapist. "Back again, Felicity. Time for your treatment."
"What, Oliver?" She looked at him with a perplexed look. "What were you going to ask?"
"Nothing that can't wait." The moment totally lost now, along with his nerve.
He almost asked her to marry him and the idea suddenly terrified him. What had he been thinking? He was moving way too fast. Lifting her, he placed her on the bed, turned and handed her purse, leaving her to find find a hair tie, and he left the room.
#####OQ#####
He was reduced to holding her hand now. Never would he believe how much ground she'd lost in the last 24 hours.
The nurse had raised her bed to a 45 degree angle to make it easier for her to breathe. Her oxygen levels were always too low, and she slipped slowly away from him.
Jesus, he hated this.
Life was now an endless cycle of constant breathing treatments, suctioning her lungs, beeping machines, constant nurses giving her more meds, more shots, and more x-rays.
He'd never felt this helpless in his life, even with Thea. But then Thea had already been lost by the time he found her.
This was much different. She was very sick and he knew it.
Felicity had begun to drown in her own fluids right before his eyes, and it was excruciating to watch. His chatting, always talking, Felicity no longer had the air to talk anymore, and mainly, she napped. Now the tables had turned and as strange as it was, and now, he did most of the talking, and he told her things he never thought he would say to her.
"When you get better, we'll drive down the coast into Florida. We'll be tourists. Eat oranges, see Alligator Alley and ride the air boats. There are some awesome farmer's markets there. We can go where the pirates lived. Go see NASA. See the sights. We can camp on the ocean." He leaned over and whispered into her ear. "I ache to make love with you on the beach, under the stars. I want to do that with you. Think about that, Felicity, trust me, I have been thinking about it a lot, since before we left Starling City. You don't know how many times I've made love to you in my mind."
Her lips curled up for a moment and he went on.
"And the dresses you wore to make me crazy. I'm sure you wore them on purpose. I swear you knew how much I wanted you, and you wanted to torture me with your clothes. I got where I couldn't stand the sight of your skin. I couldn't look at your skin, because I was afraid I was going to take you right there in the lair, or in the elevator, or on the training mats. I was afraid I couldn't stop myself. You don't know the places I have thought about making love to you. I really am a bad boy, you know?"
She squeezed his hand, and she tried to smile again for him, but he could tell she was tiring again. In a few minutes she would slip away into sleep. He swallowed hard, knowing that every time she slipped away might be the last time she would truly be herself. And it terrified him.
Yes, if she died, he would somehow make a deal and put her in the pit, but he knew the pit changed people. He had already seen small changes in Thea, subtle changes but there were changes. Yes, he could save her but at what cost? What if she forgot she loved him?
No, he couldn't think like that. He had to keep trying to talk to her, trying to keep her with him.
"Then we can drive all the way to Key West, and I'll even help you drink our way across it. You know I hardly drink, but I'll make an exception just for you. You have never seen that many bars in one small town. Places like Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, Fat Tuesday's, and the Green Parrot Bar."
She sighed and shut her eyes.
"We'll sit and drink and people watch. The Keys have lots of shopping too. You would like that. Lots of jewelry. I'll buy you new earrings. You think I don't notice your earrings, but I do. Alright, I don't love shopping, but I would love watching you shop. I love watching you, and I always have. Did you know that I used to watch you in the lair? You would sit at your computers, and I would watch you when you weren't looking. I thought I was going to die from watching you during the last year. Watching and not touching. Wanting and not having. You drove me crazy. I'm glad I can touch you now. Touching is much better than not touching." His thumb rubbed her palm.
She gave another small pained smile behind the oxygen mask and again weakly squeezed his hand, and he knew she'd heard him.
"Oliver," Mae stuck her head in the room. "Could I speak with you?"
"Of course. Felicity, hold that thought. I'll be right back." He released her hand, but her hand lingered before she released him.
#####OQ#####
Felicity knew through the haze that was now her mind that they were going to put her to sleep, that her time awake was almost over. It was almost worth being sick, listening to Oliver admit he had watched and wanted her. Forever it seemed, she'd loved him from a far, and she loved that he had also been pining for her. And yes, in the last year, she had showed him more of her body, taunted him with her body, with her dresses. It fed her soul that he had wanted her, and yes, she had wanted him for a long time too. She wanted to sleep, but she forced herself to do what needed to be done. Her hand reached, searching for the phone that was beside her in the bed.
It took her three tries to pick up her phone and two tries to get her screen unlocked. Her eyes threatened to close. She was exhausted, but she had to do this. The text she'd written to John two days ago was in her drafts. It took her way longer than normal to find her draft's file. Finally, she opened the text she'd written back when her mind had still worked.
The text was a will of sorts and started with "I know you were getting even with Oliver for taking Lyla. You knew exactly what to say to hurt him and it worked. Okay, you wanted him in pain, and now he is. You are being mean and childish. You don't know how overwhelmed and out of control he is. He is walking a fine line here. But now it is time to make a decision. John, if you ever cared for Oliver, call him. He needs you NOW. Hoping to see you on the other side of the pit, if need be. Not LOL. I love you all. Kiss Sara for me." She carefully made her finger hit the send button and dropped the phone back to the bed.
#####OQ#####
As soon as he closed the door, Mae turned to him. "I checked her last set of x-rays and stats, and she's getting critical. Her heart's becoming oxygen deprived, causing it to swell, which is making her blood pressure drop. It's time to put her on the respirator, time to help her breathe, to give the meds time to work."
The expression he gave her held pain.
"I know you don't want that, but it time to make a choice, if we wait much longer she'll code, and I don't know if we'll get her heart restarted. I know this is your call but I know we need to sedate her now and keep her that way for a while. It will be easier on her body, easier on her."
"How long?"
"Until she either gets better or doesn't. I'm hoping she'll improve greatly, and this will only be temporary." The gray haired woman frowned. "I know this is hard, but Oliver, you need to tell her goodbye. Do it just in case. And do it now while she can still hear you." She patted him on his arm and turned and walked away.
Steeling himself, he stood in the cold hall as brain raced, as his brain screamed, "She's going to die." The sound of a cart being wheeled toward him with a machine on it forced him to gather his thoughts then he made himself walk back into her room.
Leaning down, he kissed her soft forehead. Then he took her hand and whispered, "I'm not going to say goodbye not this time, Felicity. You know I love you."
She weakly squeezed his hand and his voice cracked as he added. "They're going to put you to sleep for a while, to make it easier for you to breathe. I know Mae talked to you about it. Now I need you to stay with me, to fight. I love you. I'm not going to lose you. Do you understand me? I need you to fight to stay. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise, but no matter what don't you quit fighting. Promise me this time? You always asked me to promise. Now I want you to promise."
"Yes." And she squeezed his hand again. Releasing her, he kissed her forehead again, as a nurse wheeled the ventilator into the room. Turning, he left the room before they inserted the tube down her throat.
No, he couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't watch, he would lose it if he did, he walked out. Leaving the hospital, he walked to the car and grabbed his duffel bag that contained his running shoes and clothes. He would change, then go he run until he thought his lungs would burst, until he wouldn't have to think anymore. He would push himself until he was the one that couldn't breathe, until, he was the one was gasping for air. And then he would force himself to run some more.
Running, he could control.
His phone vibrated and Dig's face popped up. He didn't know if he could handle the man's anger right now and his finger hovered over the reject button. Internally, he fought with himself, knowing he knew should tell the man about Felicity going on life support, and if he didn't share the new Dig would use it as another reason to be angry with him. Biting his lip, he hit accept.
"Oliver, how is she?"
"Failing, dying. What can I say? She is going to die! Her heart is swelling. They are putting her on the ventilator right now. I mean right NOW. What am I going to do? I'm going to have to put her into that damn pit, just like Thea. I'm losing her. " His voice rose.
"Man, calm down! I mean it. Calm down."
"How can I? I'm in a recurring nightmare. Only now, I'm going to have to make a deal with Merlyn. I'll do what ever I need to do to save her, to bring her back. But what do I have to give him? What do I have to give him to put her in the pit? Unlike Ra's, he doesn't want me to be his heir. I don't have anything to bargain with. Maybe he will do it for Thea?" His voice cracked.
"Slow down. Talk to me, Oliver. Merlyn? What the hell has Merlyn got to do with the league? With the pit? I don't understand? What have you done now?"
"I gave Merlyn the damn league. He wanted to be Ra's and I didn't. Nyssa knows I've stepped down and is supposed to get our marriage annulled, so I have no claim now. I didn't want the league. I wanted Felicity. I wanted her. And now I'm not going to have either. I never wanted the league, but now I wished I would have kept it, then I could have done what I wanted with the pit. And none of this would have happened. If I would have taken the league, but no, I tried to be happy and gave the damn league to Merlyn."
"That was his game all along wasn't it? He was helping you so you would give him the league. I knew that devil had something up his sleeve, that he wanted something. Does Felicity know about Merlyn?"
His words were low and intense, "No, but I'll tell her, but not right now. Right now she's about to go into cardiac arrest. Didn't you hear me? They're putting her on life support as we speak. Sticking a damn tube down her throat. Grrr. . .this is all my fault. If I had gotten in the water with her, I would have been right there. How stupid on my part. She invited me. Why didn't I get into the water with her? I should have gotten in the damn water."
"Oliver, breathe. Listen to me. I want you to take a step back and calm down. Felicity needs you to calm down. And I want you to calm down."
"John, I have to go. I can't talk right now."
"No."
"Bye, John, I'll call you."
"Oliver! Don't you dare hang up on me. I have something to tell you. But you need to calm down."
"I'm trying but you don't understand. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't sleep for the nightmares. I can't think because I can't sleep. I can't keep my emotions in check. I don't even know how to have emotions, and I am out of control here. Felicity's really sick and having her sick is hard, really hard. I can't think or fight my way out of her sickness and it's all my fault."
"Stop right there and listen, Oliver. I need you to hear me. I was angry when I told you Felicity's accident was your fault. I never should have told you that. You hurt me by endangering Lyla and Sara and not trusting me. I wanted to hurt you back, wanted to get even with you, and it was easy to agreed with you when you told me about Felicity's accident. Hear me, understand, I WANTED TO HURT YOU."
Shock filled him. "You wanted to hurt me? How could you want to hurt me? You're my friend, my partner. I knew you were angry but to want to hurt me. You're like my brother."
"Yes, but I'm furious with you, Oliver. You crossed a line when you endangered my family. You broke my trust. You broke Felicity's heart more than once and left me to pick up the pieces. But never have I thought that you didn't keep her safe. I lied to you, Oliver. Pay attention, I LIED."
"I told you when I took Lyla I was trying to keep you safe. Both of you. All of you. You were protecting Nyssa, and I didn't want the team to go against the league. That's why I took Lyla. I was trying to keep everyone I loved from getting wiped out by the league. All you had to do was give me Nyssa, and no one would have gotten hurt."
"It doesn't fly, Oliver. You should have talked to me. You could have called me. You called me to tell me you took Lyla. If you would have called me and told the truth, trusted me, we would have worked something out. But now is not the time to work out our problems."
"You don't understand. The league was watching me, and you don't know what Ra's would have done to me if he knew I was lying to him. You can't imagine what he would have done to me."
"Enough, I don't want to talk about it anymore. You made the wrong choice not to trust me, and you can't undo it. Felicity is what's important now. And you need to wrap your head around that fact that Felicity had an accident, and I used that to get in your head. You said it was your fault, and I agreed. I wanted to hurt you, and I did. I let and helped you beat yourself up. I wanted you to hurt. I'm the one that crossed a line this time."
"Dig, you made me feel terrible on purpose. How could you do that to me?"
"Oliver, I was getting even with you, but I hate hurting you because it hurts me too. Now I'm the one with the guilt. Oliver, you're like my brother, and I can't stand how out of control you are right now. I can hear it in your voice. You're losing it. I thought I would enjoy hurting you, but I didn't, and now it's hurting me to hurt you, so I have to fix this. Stop blaming yourself, Oliver. Get mad at me instead. I played with your head. I knew you were lost, and instead of helping you, I played with your head."
"How could you, John? You I don't know how to stop blaming myself? You left me alone when she'd just died. How could you? You're supposed to be my friend."
"Good, be angry at me, Oliver, be really angry at me, but for now, we'll figure this out together, like a team. I know you would never want Felicity hurt. Man, this is not your fault. Take it in. Not your fault."
Oliver closed his eyes, his word quiet. "John, I can't find my balance."
"You can, Oliver, and you will. Now tell me exactly what happened on that beach. I'm ready to listen now. Let's start over and pretend this just happened and you called and told me Felicity drowned but you saved her."
And he did. The words rushed out of him. Dig listened then replied, "It was an accident, Oliver. Accidents happen in real life. We don't know when they're coming and we can't stop them. Now what you have to do is accept the fact is was an accident and go on. And stop blaming yourself."
"John, all I can think is that I killed her, and I took her swimming and she died. How much bad of luck could I have? Will I never catch a break?"
"Oliver it's not like you held her under. Think about what you are saying. You didn't kill her, you saved her."
"But, if I'd warned her about the riptides. Told her what to do."
"Stop it. You have to stop blaming yourself. We all have 20/20 hindsight. People drown all the time in the riptides. You know this and trust me, Felicity looked it up."
"She did?"
"Of course, she did. What doesn't she look up? You have to get that you can't control everything, Oliver. You always think you know what's best for everyone but you don't. You have to get that no matter how much you want to, you just can't control everything."
"But that is all I know how to do." His voice rose becoming harsh.
"Well you need to rethink because the truth is that you saved Felicity. You brought her back from the dead. You refused to stop until she came back. How long did you do CPR on her?"
"I DON"T KNOW until she breathed for me." The very memory of her not breathing made his emotions rage again, threatening his control.
"Oliver, did you do CPR because you felt guilty you let her drown or because you wanted her to live?"
"Dig, that's a stupid question, of course, I wanted her to live. It had nothing to do with guilt."
"Then let the guilt go and embrace the fact that she's alive. Okay, she's sick right now, but people get sick, and then they get better. She doesn't have cancer. She has an infection in her lungs. The Dr. is helping her get better right now. You just have to calm down to get through this. Don't you have a breathing technique that you use?"
"Yes."
"Then use it to help you cope when you are overwhelmed."
"I have been." His voice cracked.
Dig asked, "Good. Now, do you want me to come? I'll leave right now."
"No, I won't ask you to do that. And right now, I mad as hell at you for playing me. I'd enjoy beating you up."
"You could try."
A small smile crossed his face. "No, there's nothing you can do. Stay with your family. I'll call you if something changes."
"Oliver, you need to focus on keeping it together, and remember together as a team, we keep her safe. I lied again when I told you didn't do your job. You did your job because you got to her in time, and you made her go to the hospital. What if you hadn't called 911?"
"She would have died when she went into cardiac arrest." His voice flat, he thought about what John was saying.
"Did she want to go to the hospital?"
"No, I made her."
"Do you see a pattern here?"
"Yes, I do." And he did. As usual, John knew what to say to make him think and feel better.
"So believe it. You saved her. And she's going to be all right. I know it. Our Felicity is a fighter and she'll beat this."
"Yeah, she is. They're helping her breathe for a little while. I can do this."
"That's right. You can do this. They're going to help her breathe until she gets better. Now stay safe and stay in control. Promise you'll call me if anything changes."
"I will."
"And Oliver, when are you going to get the nerve to ask her to marry you?"
A real smile broke his face for the first time in days. "Funny, you would ask, since I almost asked her yesterday."
"Well try again when she wakes up, and we're going to work through this like the team we are."
"Thank you, John. You've always been my rock. I needed to talk to you."
"Breathe, Oliver, and no Felicity's our rock, both of ours. And man, if you have to use the pit, I'll go with you. I'd like to have a little talk with one Malcolm Merlyn."
"Thanks, John that means a lot to me."
"Keep me posted, my friend."
A strange peace settled over him when he hung up the phone, and he found the strength to walk back into the hospital.
#####OQ#####
Walking through the ER doors, he pocketed his phone, as the ER waiting room erupted into motion. An early twenty's kid getting a police escort had unexpectedly taken the gun from Deputy Dog and now terrorized the room. People screamed, cried, ran, and of all people, Mae choose to burst through the door and into the room.
The stringy brown hair kid, with a pierced lip and nose, had entered full panic mode. And, he was higher than a kite and totally unpredictable. He flipped around, pointing the gun at Felicity's Dr.
Now the idiot had Oliver's attention.
The last thing he needed was Mae dying. Felicity could die if Mae died.
"No," Oliver yelled, "Here, right here. Look at me."
Already on the move, he dropped the duffel bag, grabbed the coffeepot from the stand and slung hot coffee in the young man's face, as the young man turned around. The young man screamed out in pain, and Oliver moved, slapping the gun from his hand with the coffee pot, deftly kicked his legs out from him gave him a quick punch that he should have put his lights out.
But the young man was high and his adrenaline was on overload. Therefore, instead of going down, the young man roared like a bear, rolled over, stood and attacked him. Oliver blocked his strong punch with the coffee pot, which shattered.
Dropping the coffee pot handle to the floor, he avoided the next punch. Then using the man's own momentum, he grabbed him and threw him crashing over a set of chairs.
More people scrambled.
He jumped over a chair behind him. Grabbing the young man, he slammed his head against the wall three times and slung him to the floor, where this time he lay prone. Oliver regretted the man didn't fight longer. He needed the release.
For an instant, the entire room went dead quiet. Barely even breathing hard, he stood and straightened his jacket. Crossing the room, he picked up the duffel bag and stood to find Mae eyeing him.
Mae nodded sharply. "I knew it. Special Forces. WOW. Thank you, Oliver. Jeff, how the hell could you let a high kid get your gun?"
"You're welcome." Oliver pushed the door open and walked back to her room.
#####OQ#####
It was amazing. Within hours, the ventilator had improved her oxygen levels, and she'd stabilized. If he would have known how much better her numbers would have been, he would have put her on the ventilator yesterday. But for now he was bone tired when he finally left her about 2 a.m. Arriving to the rental, he stripped and fell in the bed. Hugging her pillow, he passed smooth out.
But the water was drowning him and the strong hands were holding him under. They beat him until the water they drown him in turned red, and he was under the water, swallowing the water, drowning. Puking, sick from the water, he begged them to stop.
But they didn't.
Screaming the word "STOP," he came up fighting out of the dream, fighting the hands, the water, the dark, and again he ran to throw up. He was sick again repeatedly. He laid his head against the cold toilet bowl and thought about how he was going to handle this if she got well and came home?
#####OQ#####
Now three days later, he was dozing in and out as he sat beside her bed, fingering her hair tie, as he listened to the machine breathe for her. He listened to the beeps and alarms, and he listened to all the noise in the hall. He was simply totally exhausted, beyond exhausted. He knew he was going to have to really sleep, that his body would crash soon, and he was going to sleep no matter if he wanted to or not.
But he knew he couldn't sleep here, knew he couldn't throw up here.
His terrible dream had returned every time he shut his eyes long enough to enter REM sleep. Just because he couldn't control the dream didn't mean he didn't understand when he lost control. He knew there was no way he was going to have the dream here. No way at all. No, he couldn't sleep here. He knew he could hold out a little longer, then he would go back to the rental and wake up screaming there.
Mae came in and listened to her lungs and checked her vitals on the chart. "She's improving. Her numbers are up and her lungs sound a lot better. I think I have finally found the antibiotic the infection's responding to. Tomorrow we're going to start weaning her back off the vent, and then we'll wake her up. Oliver, she's going to live. Now will you please go home and get some sleep."
He jumped up and not just hugged her, he spun her around. Then he called John and everyone else to give them the good news. He was going to get another chance and yes, he was happy.
#####OQ#####
Thoughts? Reviews? Love to hear it. And thanks for the read.