The Path of Least Resistance
Chapter Two - Gift of Ganglari: You and I
Or, falling into Fire Emblem Fates and waking up as Corrin when you sucked at the game and have no idea what's going on, and what do you mean 'people are going to die'? What do you mean 'I can't get out'? What do you mean I 'signed up for this' – oh, right. Lunatic Classic mode. Damn it. Self-Insert.
It honestly felt like I was walking into the final boss's lair as I walked into the castle in the pit. Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to build their home in a hole in the ground? Even I, who sucked at strategies, knew that strategic advantage came from having a literal upper hand. Fighting upwards from in the ground seemed like a horrible way to get stuff done, especially when that 'stuff' was fighting for one's fucking life.
No wonder Birthright was the easier path, it was just attacking some idiots who had literally dug themselves into a hole.
"It's safe, right?" I whispered to Xander as we descended into what felt like the underworld. The black stones, the dark lighting and the general atmosphere of 'EEVUL' did not help things very much. "The walls won't collapse on us or anything?"
Camilla overheard, and she stifled a giggle behind a hand. "Of course, darling," she said warmly, keeping her voice low.
Xander cleared his throat, but I could see him trying not to smile either. I don't appreciate you people laughing at my very valid concerns. I don't appreciate it at all.
"Castle Krackenburg is in the ground for a reason," he said once he looked fairly certain he wouldn't burst out laughing. "The wards placed around it by the founder of Nohr and the Dusk Dragon himself are strongest when in the ground, thanks to Brynhildr's influence."
Leo glanced up at the mention of his tome. Camilla fluttered her fingers at him, and after a long gaze in our direction he looked back to the front.
"Not to mention," Camilla added. "There are hundreds of catacombs and underground passages in Windmire. The city below is just as alive as the one above, if not even more so."
Yes, but my pressing question still remained – was that safe? Because from what they were telling me, there was a lot of secret passages leading to the castle. Like a shit ton of them.
Wait, wasn't that how we attacked Nohr in Birthright? Shit. That wasn't safe at all!
"Most of the passages are overseen and kept an eye on," Camilla promised when I brought up the point. "And Castle Krackenburg has impressive defenses and wards. Invaders must be wary of fighting on our home territory, especially when a wielder of Brynhildr resides in Nohr."
I gave up. Magic, right. That should tip the scales somewhat. How could I have forgotten.
Note my sarcasm, I spent a lot of effort on developing it.
My siblings wanted to take me to see our 'father', much to my silent horror, but a butler – who was nowhere near as good-looking as Jakob, take that you nameless NPC – informed us that His Majesty had retired for the evening.
It was only then that I realized how late it was. The days on the road were tough, because horses, cool as they were, just did not have the same comfort of cars. And don't even get me started on the unpaved roads. Ick.
Modern infrastructure and technology, oh how my sore butt and I miss you so.
Camilla and Elise dragged me to the bathhouse, claiming that the one in the Northern Fortress simply could not compare to the royal one. I gave a wave to the bros before they were out of sight.
And my game sisters were so right, because the bathhouse was amazing. It wasn't like one of those bathhouses in Koreatown my friend took me to once – and wasn't that an interesting experience, lounging around naked with other naked strangers – where they had pools of different waters with different temperatures and supposedly different special properties, because that would probably be expensive to maintain and all in a country not known for having a lot of resources, but it was a large pool of hot, steaming water made of marble or some other special rock, with water spouts as thick as my wrist carved as dragon heads.
There were also shower sections as well, made to pour water over the body from several spouts at different angles, also carved as dragon heads.
The end result was a cool bathhouse made of stone where I got to have dragons upchucking hot water on me.
They really liked dragons here. At least they weren't gargoyles or clowns.
Camilla sank into the heated waters with a sigh, looking very much like an actress in a movie. Not a cheap porn film or something, but a classy movie where nudity had some serious message yet looked incredibly sensual while doing so.
Elise and I had less grace. We just kinda splashed into the tub. At least Elise had the age thing going for her. Me, I guess I had the whole locked-up-since-memory-started thing. That, and the memory-wiping curse.
But dear video game gods, the water felt so good. It smelt like some kind of herb I couldn't identify – but that was hardly surprising, I knew like nothing about herbs – and the scent just washed away the stress I hadn't known was there.
"This is nice," I mumbled, feeling pleasantly sleepy. I could just fall asleep in here. A literal water bed. Never slept on one before, but there was always time to try something new, right?
"Mmm," Camilla made a sound of agreement.
Somehow, I dragged myself out and away from the bath. It had been delightful meeting such a fantastic creation of the world, but I had a true love awaiting me in a new setting.
In other words I wanted to sleep.
Camilla and I chatted after walking Elise to her rooms – she was nearly dead on her feet after bath time, and I ended up carrying her – but the moment my head hit the pillow, screw the slightly damp hair, I was out like a light.
And come morning, with Elise waking me by jumping onto me and giving me a heart attack to take me away from my one true love, I realized I had to go and see King Garon's face – y'all say it with me now, EW – first thing in the morning, to say hi.
I had to go and meet face-to-face with the man who wanted me killed because of some weird thingamabob. The goo-man. The evil – but not the big bad, apparently – of this world for me. The antagonist.
Without eating breakfast.
And that was an ugly face, too. The sight would destroy my appetite in the way a freshly microwaved Hot Pocket destroyed the taste buds on the foolish tongue that dared touch a smoking travesty supposedly safe for human consumption.
Fuck me.
[Mission! Greeting Garon!]
And fuck you.
[King Garon – your father – has finally permitted you to leave your home and prison in the Northern Fortress. However, you must prove your worth to him. First things first – give the King of Nohr a good impression of yourself and demonstrate your capabilities as a princess of Nohr!
Reward: The chance to prove your worth to him.
Failure: Death.]
Stop threatening to kill me with every failure! Fuck me, fuck you and fuck everyone for some fucking fairness because it sure as fucking hell isn't around here.
The royal castle of Nohr lived up to the reputation of the dark kingdom.
That is to say, it was cold and unfriendly as fuck. Not a good place for kids to grow up in. I was amazed that my adopted siblings grew up to be the outstanding citizens they were in this shithole. Clearly that blood of dragons thing was powerful.
In the throne room of EE-VULZ, I faced the final boss of the two routes I had played. And I bowed respectfully to the guy sitting in the throne at the end of it, on top of steps that seemed a little gratuitous.
King Garon may have been a womanizer in his younger years, but the man that remained now did not look it. Gaunt skin hanging like he was a reanimated skeleton or something – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – and hair that looked brittle and dead.
Let this be a lesson to all that were forced to lay eyes upon this fashion terrorific asshole: moisturize. Frequently, from a young age. Otherwise, when a water songstress came along later to sing your hydration back you were just going to be groaning in increasing discomfort instead of enjoying the spa treatment.
I really had to look hard to find any trace of Xander or Leo or Camilla or Elise in him. And I sort of succeeded. Xander had similar wavy hair, and the high cheekbones. Camilla might have had his eyes. But it was dark as fuck in here because Nohr really took the dark kingdom thing to a whole new level of dedication and who knew, I couldn't tell what color his eyes were from this distance.
As for the rest of it, fuck it, I gave up. It wasn't like it mattered.
"You've come a long way," King Garon said, er, deeply from his dark throne. The walls behind the throne, high on too many steps for my neck's health, had what looked like trees or roots spiraling upwards. They really took this 'deep-in-the-earth' thing seriously in Krackenburg, it looked like. Almost as deep as the guy's voice.
Yeah I know, I sounded really stupid, but he really had a deep voice, okay. Like, it sounds almost pointedly evil in its ominous deepness, but deep.
But not too deep like one of those bass voices that just makes the room vibrate like a subway train rolling into the station or something? But still impressively deep.
Focus! Quest threatening my life still going on with this evil mofo at the heart of it!
Right!
"I see you made it here safely, Corrin," he continued on, taking one hand off his armrest to place against the side of his face like he was thinking about the best ways to kill me.
My back did the reflexive straighten.
"Yes, Father," I said, rolling over my suddenly blanking head and trying to shake down my fucking brain for some nice, smooth on-the-fly bullshit that I was so good at. "I have wished to see Castle Krackenburg and you for the longest time now." Shit that sounds too much like I was grudgy about not being here till now. "I – It still feels like a dream, I must admit."
"Hmph," King Garon grunted.
Holy fuck. Oh gods above and below that were not kind to me, have mercy upon my poor soul. Tell me he wasn't a tsun-dere or however the fuck you pronounce that word. Can you just imagine this corpsefucker blushing and averting his creepy eyes and saying shit like 'i-it's not like I thought of you or anything' –
Oh god I think I'm going to be sick.
Luckily King Garon did not explore his tsundere side and trigger my rebellion of his EE-VUL plans a lot quicker than the canon game storylines. "It is no dream, and only thanks to your diligence that you are here."
I nodded, before panicking over whether he would approve of nodders or not. Verbal answers! Pull your face into a contrite setting!
"Of course, Father."
Garon's eyes slid over to Xander's face, who, befitting a crown prince trained and working hard to become a king of an entire kingdom – high on crack as it was stuffing their important palace into a fucking hole of all things – wore the poker face far better than I did.
"I am told," he said, a slip of paper in his hands that I hadn't noticed before. "That you are now a warrior almost on par with Xander."
Xander did not answer, but merely kept his face straight. I guess that was what Garon was looking for in his eldest son, because he looked satisfied.
I wasn't, though, because this dude sent out his strong warrior children out to fight and I didn't want any of that shit. Any of it.
"Xander is the strongest knight in Nohr." Let's try the humble approach, in case he decides that his son's word is good enough to throw me out onto the warfront. "I still have much to learn."
Preferably in a safe place. Like, not on an actual battlefield. I sent silent prayers and wishes with my eyes towards the guy currently registered as my legal dad, hoping that the Force or the power of will would do something to save me.
"You will do so, while proving yourself a valuable instrument of Nohr's power in the world, on the battlefield."
Clearly humble was the way to fuck myself over. Also, the Force did not exist and my willpower was negative five hundred and two.
"But, Father!" Elise, sweet adorable darling Elise, protested on my behalf while I struggled to find the words to say something that would hopefully make this situation go a little better. Words other than 'you motherfucker why'. "Will she be alright outside of the fortress?"
"Yes, I worry about that as well," Camilla added, smoothly taking over for Elise. "Would it not be dangerous for Corrin to live outside of the fortress's magical barrier?"
Magical what now.
Also if that was a thing why were you guys so happy to see me out of it?
No, wait, they only started protesting when I was told I'd be going on the battlefield. So they were just trying to find an excuse to send me back.
I silently cheered them on. Hopefully their case would make a point with old corpse-breath over there and do something for the better.
Except Garon was a boss villain of Birthright and Conquest for a reason, and he screwed me over.
"Nohr is at war with Hoshido," he said, almost spitting out the last word like it left a bad taste in his mouth.
Cool, dude, but not my fucking problem. I wasn't the one who looked at a king in the neighboring kingdom and decided, hey, this is a beautiful night to order arrows to be shot into him before whacking him with my ax. That's on you. That's all on you.
"And Corrin, like the rest of you," Garon continued, and the corners of his mouth twitched. "Is a descendant of the ancient gods, the First Dragons. As an inheritor of the divine strength, she will also be able to conquer those who oppose us with ease."
He turned his creepy dark eyes on me, and I lowered them to the ground to not show my real emotions. Poker faces were not my thing.
"A wielder of the dragon blood can destroy an entire army of common troops," he said. I took that to mean a lot of people since I had no idea how many people made up an army.
Hey, I have no military background or random trivia knowledge hanging around in my perfectly normal brain, don't judge me.
"Xander, Camilla and Leo have all proven their worth and demonstrated the power running through their blood," he said, and I gave up trying to guess how many people that meant, settling at 'a lot'. "I expect no less from you."
Well, shit. The bar was sky-high, wasn't it? And Leo was younger than I was so I couldn't say anything like 'I'm too young'.
"I am aware of your expectations, Father," I said. And your expectations suck balls, man. Smelly, dirty, blue balls that haven't been washed for days. "I will strive to be more like my siblings with all my efforts." Like my siblings in the sense of realizing what a dick you are and doing the world a favor by getting rid of you like they did in Conquest, that is.
Garon chuckled. "I will hold you to your words," he said, and I nearly flinched. "But first, in order to prove your worth and serve Nohr, you will need a suitable weapon. The divine weapons have already chosen their wielders, but I have ordered a gift to commemorate your coming to Windmire."
He clapped twice, leaning on one elbow to clap slowly and solemnly, and a butler stepped out from the sides, something long and covered with cloth in his arms.
"The sword is your preferred weapon, I have been told," he said, as the butler removed the cloth to reveal a really creepy-looking sword on a cushioned tray. I mean it was curved and kind of the color of dried blood and just looked like something the evil guy would be waving around so I think I was justified in saying that?
Besides, I knew the future, and spoilers, that thing blows up. Excuse me if I'm a little reluctant to get near it with enthusiasm.
"Thank you," I said, and I added nothing else. No 'I love it!' or 'OMG for reals?' or anything. Just an obligatory 'thanks'. Personally my preferred weapon was peace. I'm also normally all for gun control laws being stricter but right now an AK-47 in my totally untrained and unlicensed hands sounded pretty great.
Garon either didn't notice or didn't care. Jerk.
"This is Ganglari," the mofo said proudly. And even the name of the evil bomb sword that looked like a huge evil steak knife was weird and sounded mean, like it was 'glaring' or something. "It has been infused with magic from another world."
Was it my world? If so, can it take me back?
"With this sword at your side, you will crush the Hoshidan army with ease," he said, like he wasn't giving me something that would fuck me over.
"What a generous gift, Father," I said, feeling like it was the exact opposite.
"Generous indeed," Xander said, but he looked troubled. Oh goody, so I wasn't the only one getting the feels of doom and gloom. Feels I could live the rest of my life without feeling.
Garon looked pleased, though, like the cat that got the cream. "Yes," he said magnanimously. "Now, let us see you put that gift to its proper use."
My siblings all tensed like they were waiting for the hammer to fall.
"You will prove your worth to me," King Garon – er, Father – said at last. "In the arena! Bring out the prisoners!"
Ah, fuck. Ain't this a bitch.
There was a time in high school when I was in love with the Hunger Games franchise, because the thought of a badass chick with a bow and arrow being someone important and overthrowing a corrupt system was so cool.
My brother did say something about how the girl had been swept up into a game far beyond what she had expected and really, wasn't she more of a piece than a player but fuck him, I'm still mad at him for all this.
I'm getting off-track. Hunger Games. Popular franchise that became a movie and grew even larger, flung the actress in the lead role into fame and money, and lead her to many things, including tripping on the steps to the stage where she was supposed to get her fancy trophy for being a great actress. Other than all the fun stuff related to that, a large part of the plot was related to people getting their rocks off on watching kids fight to their deaths in an arena.
It had sounded morbid but cool when it was fiction. It was a fucking terrifying thought when I was the one to do it.
Jakob and Gunter were, of course, going to be helping me. Great, two silver-haired fighters at my side. In terms of coolness I had my poor opponents beat.
In terms of skill?
Erm, how did the tutorial go again? I fought, you know, Kaze and what's-her-face. The fire girl. Fuck, I know their names. I should know their names. What was her name?!
I nearly panicked until I realized it was probably unnecessary for me to really know her name. It wasn't necessary for me to know what her name, or really Kaze's name. In fact, it would have been downright impossible for me to know the names of these 'random' Hoshidan prisoners.
So into the arena me and my two silver-haired fighters went. And I wasn't being metaphorical there because Krackenburg had an actual fucking arena in the pit of the castle it had.
"You will fight the prisoners from our recent skirmish with Hoshido," Garon's voice boomed down at me from where he stood, above the arena in the prime seats like some dark Roman emperor in a pimpin' fur cape ready to turn his thumb to play with my life at his whim and fuck me over with a single assholish gesture. If the audience disagreed with his judgement, he'd probably fuck them over too. "Cut them down with the Ganglari and prove your strength!"
The unsaid 'or else' was also received, loud and clear.
At my side, Gunter discreetly loosened his joints and cracked some knuckles.
"My lance arm may be a bit rusty," he said firmly. "But it will still serve you well, milady."
Rusty? Are you telling me that you knocking me to the ground in all our spars was you being rusty?
Fucking hell.
Jakob scoffed lightly at that, ever the king of snark, but he was also loosening up his joints and cracking his knuckles.
"Someone of your advanced age couldn't bear the burden alone," he sniped, before giving me a beautiful smile. "Lady Corrin, worry not. You shan't have to dirty your hands with this filth. Please relax and leave the fighting to us. Afterwards, I will prepare you some tea."
He sounded like he was trying to reassure me. Meaning he did not think I could do this on my own. Meaning that by his judgement, which I trusted a lot more than I did mine, I was definitely not qualified or ready to fight.
On the other side of the arena – who the fuck had an arena inside of a castle that was fucking underground except for EEVUL people honestly overcompensating much – Nohrian soldiers with their pointy helms came in, roughly lugging and pushing in Hoshidan-dressed people in rough conditions. Their bindings were cut open without much concern or care for not cutting them, and then the handful of people – six, from what I counted – were free. Roughened up, angry at Nohrians, slightly bleeding, dirty and free, ready to face all three of us.
[Mission: Defeat the Hoshidans!
You have been gifted with Ganglari, the sword imbued with magic from a different world! King Garon expects you to demonstrate great power as befitting the dragon's blood that runs thick in your veins. Fail his expectations, and death will be the least of your worries!]
Fuck. You.
[Defeat the six Hoshidans and prove to King Garon that you are not a failure! This is also the first time that you are in battle with more than one unit, so make use of your resources wisely and remember, death cannot be reversed!
Rewards: King Garon's partial approval of his choice to keep you alive; the opportunity to move onto the next chapter of the tutorial; a chance to improve your much-needed leadership skills; your continued survival; EXP points.
Failure: Death, either of you or the unit(s) under your command (Gunter, Jakob).]
Fuck me, ain't this a bitch.