Trying to upload as often as I can. As always reviews are appreciated :) thank you for reading! This is primarily a flashback chapter. Hope you like it!

"Impressive ring." He says and my heart sinks into my stomach as I look down at the beautiful diamond engagement ring sitting snugly on my left hand.

I stare at my hand not knowing what to say. After a few moments I look up at him again. He knows it's not just a ring and I wish he could've found out differently. But I finally get why he seems so off.

"Uhm...yeah, thanks." I say awkwardly, almost inaudible.

"You don't seem like the type to get married." He says sarcastically with a little forced smile and it hits me just like he wanted it too.

6 years earlier:

"Don't look back." He says sadly hugging me goodbye. At least that's what he thinks. But I can't do it. He wants me to go but I also know he doesn't. Hank is the only family I have left and to throw that away for my ungrateful mother doesn't make sense to me. I'm making my way out of the district, knowing that I will never be a cop again. The thought alone breaking my heart, it's the only thing I've ever been good at. But I wouldn't have had that life if I wasn't for him and I gave it up for him in a heartbeat. He's lost enough people. I owe it to him, but he doesn't need to know this yet because I know exactly that he'd make me go. Always wanting what's best for me. But now it's my turn to look out for him.

I walk through the city without a destination. I love it here even when I'm freezing my ass off most of the time. Plus I'd rather walk through the streets of Chicago in the freezing cold than go back to my apartment. I hate being there lately. Every single thing in there either reminds me of Jay or Nadia.

I end up on the bridge next to the river just watching the city. It's calming. I always went here when something made it hard for me to breathe and it always feels like this is the only place where I can let that something go. Even when it's just for a few minutes.

I realize that today was the first time that i let my mom deal with her problems on her own, and I feel like shit about it, because she is still my mother. But putting Hank first this time was the right thing to do. Bunny didn't deserve another chance, the millionth chance that she'd fuck up anyways. I'd like to believe that I hate her sometimes but I know, and she knows, that's not the case. Even after everything this woman has put me through, she was still my mom and even though I love her as much as I hate her, I have to choose someone else over her for once. Someone who always wanted what's best for me.

I jump when my phone suddenly starts ringing. Immediately feeling sick when I see Jay's name light up on the screen. I can't, and won't, talk to him right now. I don't want him to come back to me just because he thinks he has to save me. I don't need that and I don't want it. It was my choice to go after that guy with a burning hope that this little boy might make it out alive. It would've been worth it to lose my job for that. Still is, it's what he deserved and I wouldn't have done it differently. But now I have to deal with the consequences, alone. I know he probably feels bad, he thinks it wouldn't have happened if he still would've been my partner. Jay always held me back in situations like that.

Not able to even move my fingers anymore without them hurting like hell I decide to finally go home. Well, if you can even call it that anymore, because I've never felt this lost in an empty apartment.

LINEBREAK

I put my car in park and get out of the car, making my way up to my apartment. The immediate warmth of my building makes me feel better and I can finally take off my beanie without the fear of losing my ears a minute later. And of course I can't find my keys in this huge bag, filled with everything I had left in my locker at the 21st.

"Fuck this!" I scream out, throwing the bag filled with 4 years of memories as a detective to the ground. Including the selfie that jay and I took when we were secretly dating back then. It probably was the reason I threw the bag on the floor in the first place.

"Woah! Language Lindsay." I hear him chuckle and look up to see Jay standing in front of our apartment, my apartment now, waiting for me.

I look at him confused. I didn't expect to see him tonight.

"Sorry" is all I say. It came out without any emotion. I'm really not in the mood for his jokes right now.

He pulls his eyebrows together, I know he doesn't like being the one leading the conversation.

"Wow, hey grumpy that was a joke." He chuckles but immediately stops when he realises that I'm not laughing with him.

I let out a loud sigh scratching my forehead. "You know what Jay? I just lost my job, which was basically the only good thing I had left, so excuse me if I'm not in the mood for your jokes."

"What?!" He looks at me in shock as I bent down to actually look for my keys in this huge ass bag. "I'm out. They said either I lose my job or the whole unit is getting shut down." I look up at him as he's processing what I'm telling him. I notice his eyes flicker to the picture in the bag and back to me but he still has no words.

"I'm out." I repeat, finally getting up after finding my keys. I pass him to unlock the door and get inside.

I turn to face him again, ready to shut the door.

"Like I said I'm not in the mood for jokes and I would like to process the fact that I officially lost the last thing I care about." I say dryly.

"But you didn't." He suddenly says taking a step forward to open the door a little wider. I look at him in confusion so he continues.

"Marry me." He blurts out and my whole body suddenly feels like it's on fire. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a box and I immediately take a step backwards. What the hell is he doing?!

"I know these past months were rough and that a lot happened but I still feel the same way about you and you've always been there for me so I figured-"

"Stop!" I interrupt his nervous rambling. He immediately stops looking at me partly hopeful and partly shocked.

"What are you doing?" I ask him feeling anger rising inside of me.

"I..I just figured-"

"Figured what?" I interrupt him again. "That you could just come here and ask me to marry you out of the blue? Jay we aren't even a couple. You can't do this to me after everything that's happened. I was ready to fight for you and for this relationship and you just left! You gave me up, gave us up! And now when you decide it's not the way you like it to be you come back and ambush me like this? Five minutes after I told you I just lost my job?!" I'm boiling and I can finally let everything that was going through my mind these past weeks out.

"You broke my heart that night, Jay. I was ready to accept your past and work through this with you and you dropped me just like that, the second it got complicated. And it hurt. Especially because it was you, the one person that I ever truly gave my heart to. The only person I expected to never leave me." I feel hot tears rolling down my face. And notice that there are tears pooling in his eyes too.

"Erin, I never wanted to hurt you. I thought leaving would be the best thing for you." He says with a shaking voice.

"Well, there you have it, look at my life turning to shit! I guess thing's really did work out best, hey Jay?" I say sarcastically throwing my hands up the air, the tears still burning in my eyes.

We're so far apart all of a sudden, I didn't even realize how many steps I took backwards while telling him all of this.

"I'm so sorry, Erin." He whispers, tears rolling down his face now, too.

"I know." I say, because I do believe him when he said he never had any intentions to hurt me. But he still did. He takes a couple steps backwards making his way out of our apartment.

"I'll leave you alone now, okay? I guess we both need to calm down a little bit." He says softly. I nod slowly wiping the tears from my face and he gives me a sad smile when looks into my eyes once again before closing the door behind him.

And the second the door closes, I sink down to the floor with a broken heart. I guess that's the new normal.

A/N: Hope you guys liked this chapter, please leave a review and let me know what you think :)