JOHN POV
Rosie is finally asleep and John is dying of exhaustion but instead he sits on the bed with the photo of Mary in his hand. He lets a tear slip, after all no one is there to see. He is alone. That thought isn't helping his situation whatsoever.
"I don't know what to do Mary. I'm completely and utterly lost. You would know what I should do but you aren't here. I need you to be here! Am I selfish to not want Sherlock to be happy with someone? Is that selfish of me? I don't even know why I would want that! Yet you somehow knew, in the letter. Maybe I've suppressed it for so long that it's become this distant impossibility. Pure and utter denial. Just like the denial I felt when he died. Just like the denial I felt when you died. Is it selfish of me to think these things not long after you…you were taken away from me? But I don't know how much more my heart can take Mary. Maybe I should move away from London. Start a completely new life with Rosie, far away from Sherlock, and anything that represents him and you." John says into the silence of the room. He knows he could never move away. This is his home.
SHERLOCK POV
Sherlock is lying in bed, for the first time in a few weeks, alone. He should be asleep but instead his mind keeps running through the first time he had taken John to Angelo's. They barely knew each other and already Sherlock had a soft spot for the man. Honestly, despite the predictability of John, somehow he managed to fascinate Sherlock. That awkward conversation they had at Angelo's is something he regrets. He won't deny it. John's question about dating and sexuality was so surprising that he didn't have any pre-prepared responses. No one ever really asked Sherlock these questions. Everyone either assumed or stayed clear of him. But the doctor, in his awkward way, asked. Sherlock somehow managed to close, no shut, no even better, slam the only door available that could have lead the detective and the doctor to being something more than whatever they were. He practically locked the door and barricaded it. Of course he is aware that John prefers the company of women so that might have been a difficulty as well but that evening didn't help. It makes no sense to wonder over these things. John has his little family away from Sherlock and this is better for them both.
JOHN POV
John sighs. A sigh of giving up one might say. He knows he can't live a life without Sherlock in it, even if Sherlock's role will be minimal. He can't avoid the man.
John laughs as he stands at the Baker Street door, again. Why is it never Sherlock standing in front of his door?
"John?" Sherlock says from behind the door and opens it. He stares at the laughing John.
"We're going to the pub tonight." John says to Sherlock.
"Are you alright?" Sherlock looks John over in concern but it makes John blush.
"Nothing is ever alright when it comes to you Sherlock, so come on and let's go." John starts tugging on Sherlock's sleeve.
"Why were you laughing?" Sherlock asks ignoring John's pulling and so he let's go.
"The amount of times I have stood in front of this door after swearing I never wanted to see you again…well it's embarrassing. Now, grab your coat and—" John tells his friend the truth, at least the partial truth.
"Um, John, I already have plans." Sherlock says still not moving from his spot. John takes a step back as if he received a blow to the chest.
"Oh. Right. Of course you do. Never mind then. I'll probably have a better time with Greg anyways, you've never been the best in pubs. Well I'll see you another time then. Bye." John moves backwards towards the stairs and runs out before Sherlock has any chance to say a word.
SHERLOCK POV
Humans don't make sense. Sherlock flops his body onto the couch and puts his arms behind his head. He is vaguely aware of a young woman entering the flat, leaving, and subsequently Mrs. Hudson berating him for some reason but he tunes them out. He had been sure he would never see the doctor again and there he was at the door. He looked sad. Maybe he should have gone with him. He wanted to but perhaps John was out of his mind and forgot he never wanted to see Sherlock again. It will be better if John finds a pretty woman at the bar.
JOHN POV
Despite being rejected by Sherlock, even as a friend, John finds himself at a nearby pub. Not long into the night he receives a text from him:
Find a nice, pretty woman. You will feel better. - S
John bristles, closing his hands into fists and leaves the pub before he manages to take out his anger on an innocent bystander. He walks at a fast pace towards his house but somehow, damn his brain, finds himself on Baker Street.
He storms into the flat, ignoring the fact that it isn't his anymore.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" John yells.
Sherlock sits up from his previous sleeping position on the couch.
"John?" Sherlock rubs his eyes.
John flexes his fists and grinds his teeth. Eventually his fists connect with a nearby vase.
"John! Calm down! What happened? Who did this to you?" Sherlock asks taking a step towards the doctor.
"You did!"
"Don't be ridiculous, I didn't say anything."
John knows that is the crux of their problem, lack of proper communication.
"Your text was an obvious indication that you want me to leave you alone." John snarls.
"How could you have possibly come to that conclusion?! I know you aren't one for deducing but that was a bad attempt." Sherlock says. Somehow Sherlock's calm is making John even angrier.
"If I remember correctly you are the one who wanted me out of your life so I did as you said." Sherlock says.
"You never do what I say! Why this time? Why?!" John asks but Sherlock has no answer.
"You've hurt me Sherlock but I realized that I can't just throw you out of my life. I came to make things better between us but you have obviously moved on with life." John says quietly.
"Moved on John? I have not moved on! I know your tiny little ignorant mind cannot quite comprehend many things but I have most definitely not moved on. You were my only friend! Possibly George, but never mind that. And then I lost my only friend, so no, I have not moved on from you stripping me out of your life." Sherlock raises his voice and John must admit he wasn't expecting it.
"…grieving…" John mutters. Mycroft said that Sherlock was grieving. John assumed he was grieving for Mary but perhaps he meant the loss of a friend. Why is John always the one left feeling guilty?
"What?"
"Nothing. And his name is Greg, damn it Sherlock."
SHERLOCK POV
Sherlock frowns trying to understand what John meant by grieving. Perhaps he was referring to himself as grieving for Mary.
"I am sorry if I offended you with that text. I only wanted you to be happy." Sherlock says.
"Sherlock, you are probably the furthest from knowing what makes me happy." John says.
It stings but he knows that John is right. He always thought he understood John but he doesn't.
"I know I've never been a good friend but I need you to understand that I did my best. I never wanted her to die. I never wanted to leave London, leave you." Sherlock says quietly.
JOHN POV
"Sherlock, I know, I know. Sometimes I forget that your mind isn't clouded with the same things as that of others. And Mary? That is not your fault. I blame myself enough. And yes I am angry at you for jumping off that bloody building but the amount of people you must have saved…you have an amazing heart, despite what people might say. I'm just hurt and…" John moves closer to Sherlock to console him.
Before he can say anything else Sherlock is hugging him. That's new. He didn't think Sherlock knew what hugs were let alone be one to give them out.
"I hurt you…?" Sherlock asks.
"It's not your fault. If anything it's mine." John mutters.
"Tell me. Maybe I can fix it." Sherlock says and let's go of John.
The heat leaves John and he finds himself craving it.
"I…I can't." John says smiling weakly at his friend.
Sherlock reaches out to caress John's cheek and for a moment all of life's problems seem to disappear.
He gulps, takes a deep breath and steps away.
"So…tell me about this new girlfriend of yours." John asks with the widest smile he can muster up.
Sherlock frowns. "Girlfriend?"
"Or…is it boyfriend now?"
"I wish…" Sherlock mutters but John doesn't quite understand what it means.
"Complicated?" John asks.
"Very. You have no idea." Sherlock says.
"I think I might. Trust me." John says.
"Oh? You're in a…relationship?" Sherlock asks.
"…I wish…Let's just say the person is very complicated and doesn't reciprocate my feelings. But that's okay. Perhaps my life is too difficult right now to deal with that." John says skirting dangerously close to the topic of him and Sherlock.
"Do you ever have regrets?" Sherlock suddenly asks.
"Regrets? My life is filled with regret, so yes. Anything in particular?" John asks thankful for the diversion.
SHERLOCK POV
"I have many regrets as well. You know what I regret?" Sherlock can't believe he's going there but maybe since he knows in advance that John will reject him he can tell the doctor how he feels.
"Other than leaving me here to think that you were dead?" John says bitterly. Sherlock winces.
"Other than that."
"No idea."
"Angelo's." Sherlock says. He swallows and wonders whether he should elaborate or just leave it at that.
John frowns.
"I don't get it. You'll have to be more specific. The amount of times we've been there…"
"The first time."
"You regret ever taking me there? Great. Thanks."
"No! What? I didn't say that. I mean I regret the conversation we had." Sherlock says in frustration.
John thinks a few years back. It's been a long time since he's met Sherlock.
His heart starts beating. Sherlock knows that he likes the company of both men and women. Breathe John, breathe.
"Look, I didn't know you back then, so I wasn't about to come out as bi alright?"
"You're bi?" Sherlock asks.
"Oh. Nevermind. Sherlock, you're being annoyingly cryptic."
"I mean I regret lying to you about my…availability."
"Oh right you said you don't really do the dating thing…or something like that."
"Yes."
"Yet here you are practically with a new date every day."
"Well that's a bit of an exaggeration."
"Look, I get it, we didn't know each other."
"I wasn't completely truthful, you weren't either. It's fine." John says but his insides are burning at the memory of Angelo's. So many things could have gone differently if both of them had been truthful. Of course now that Sherlock has a mystery woman or man in his life, not much has changed.
"John, I—" Sherlock begins but is interrupted by the loud steps and the door opening.
"Good, you're here. I've got a case for you Sherlock." Lestrade says.
Sherlock restrains from punching the detective. He was having a moment.
"Oh, John, hey. You're welcome to join of course." The detective says.
"No, I have to go. Rosie is waiting for me." John turns and leaves before Sherlock has a chance to say what he wanted to.
Sherlock sighs and takes the folder Lestrade is holding.