Hey! Thank you all so much for your reviews! They make me super happy :) to the person that asked if Erin is not really caring about jay anymore. She does but it's been 6 years and there is a lot that happened that we'll explore in future chapters. You all still don't know the whole story ;) thanks for reading! :)
It's the third time my alarm rings. I sit up in my bed, feeling nervous already. I'll meet Jay today. Just him and me. I don't have the chance to run from him anymore and I honestly don't want to. I think after everything that has happened, we can finally try to be friends. We were really good friends before anything happened romantically and I hope we can go back to that.
I'm quietly getting out of bed, trying not to wake up David. I'm still surprised that he doesn't mind Jay and I meeting up today. But then again, he's never really been the jealous type. He knows I'm loyal and I know he is too. Although, I have to admit, I can be jealous sometimes. Especially with all the young, beautiful waitresses working at his restaurant that'll do just about anything for a raise.
Tiredly, I walk over into the kitchen to get the coffee machine started. I let the coffee machine do it's thing go back into the bedroom to get dressed. When I get to my closet and reach for a hanger it hits me again. 'I'm meeting jay today.'
"What about you?" I ask still laughing about the boys and their jokes. Jay sits in his chair leaned back as if he's not interested in the little fun the boys are having with me being back.
"I wasn't gonna say anything," He leans forward and I'm surprised at the fact that he's not using his chance to make fun of me. Is this because we're seeing each other now? The boys look at him confused too.
"...and then Lang called saying you left your pantsuit at the headquarters." He starts laughing with the boys. There it is. The familiar banter and I can't help but laugh too.
I look at the pantsuit I just got out of my closet 10 seconds ago. "Maybe not today." I whisper to myself with a smile and hang it back in my closet.
I'm looking for something different, something that's good enough for work, but seems relaxed enough to meet up with Jay. I'm choosing my black jeans and a white button-up top. Classic but not too much, almost a smart-casual look.
I don't even know why I care so much but I do. I need him to know that I'm not a wreck, that Hank's anniversary was, like it should be, just one bad day. That I'm fine even if I'm not all the time. That the last time we saw each other, before last week, isn't still giving me sleepless nights.
After getting dressed I get my coffee and say bye to David.
"You look beautiful today," He says and kisses my forehead. "Have a good day at work. Call me if you need me." I smile at that and kiss him on the cheek.
"Will do." I say softly and make my way out of our apartment.
LINEBREAK
"I like your outfit, Erin. You look so pretty." She says with a bright smile on her face and I immediately have to smile back at her.
"Thank you, Millie." I say surprised because she never really talks about my appearance. Only once. The first day we met.
"Hey sweetie," I whisper. She's wet from the rain and looks like she hasn't slept in 2 days. "My name is Erin. You must be freezing. You don't have to say anything right now but maybe you should take a warm shower and put some dry clothes on?" I ask her with a sad smile. She just nods and I take her to the shelters bathroom with some dry clothes and fresh towels.
After her shower I brush her wet hair. "So, what is your same sweetheart?" I ask softly.
"M...Millie." She whispers, almost inaudible.
"That's a beautiful name," I smile. "How old are you, Millie? Six?"
"Seven." She says nervously. She's so tiny and skinny I thought she was younger. But people also thought I was seven when I was actually ten. She's eyeing me for a couple seconds until her eyes meet mine again.
"You're pretty." She whispers and we both smile.
"Thank you. And you are beautiful."
I look down at her as we're walking down the street to her school. "Why do you say that? Do I look different then I usually do?" I ask her.
" I don't know. Maybe? You always look pretty maybe just a little more today." She smiles up at me and I feel myself blushing at the fact that even a 7 year old notices that I put in extra effort today. I just smile at her again and we walk into the school building.
"Have fun in school, okay? Here is your lunch. Emily will pick you up today. I'll see you tomorrow morning hun." I tell her as I bend down so we're eye to eye. She just nods and pulls me into a hug. One of those hugs that make me feel like there's only good in the world for a few seconds. We smile at each other when she pulls back and starts running to class. She waves over her shoulder and yells "bye, Erin." I smile at that and get on my way back to the shelter.
LINEBREAK
The rest of the day went by faster than I wanted it to. I hated every second that passed for bringing me closer to meeting Jay and maybe being confronted with old stuff that I was able to forget on most days. But then again I was also excited and nervous at the same time. It could be a good thing or it could be really bad for me.
Emily, my co-worker and actually a good friend by now, catches me when I'm on my way out of the shelter.
"Lookin' good miss Lindsay," she says with a cheeky smile. "Or should I say Mrs. Reed? Tell David I said hi." She smirks and I immediately have sweaty hands, she loves to make me uncomfortable. And my love life is the only leverage she has against me. I lift my finger to correct her.
"Future. And don't even start." I laugh and she winks at me. "Have a good afternoon and tell Millie I said hi." I say as I hug her goodbye.
"Alrighty, will do," she giggles "Wow you even got the perfume going on, girl. Someone's getting lucky tonight." She laughs and I just stare at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Em, just. Don't." I feel a smile creeping onto my face because I can't even be serious with her for once. She laughs again and this time I have to laugh too slightly pushing her to the side so I can finally get out of here."you're horrible, gosh," I giggle "see you tomorrow miss can't-keep-my-mouth-shut." I shout over my shoulder and make my way out of the shelter.
LINEBREAK
It's 3:45pm. I'm sitting in my car, afraid to go inside. I only have fifteen minutes until I have to go inside because knowing Jay, he'll be there at exactly 4:00pm. I take a deep breath to calm myself down.
'You can do this, Erin.' After ten minutes and deciding I'd just leave around five times over I finally decide to stay. I close my eyes and take one last deep breath before I go inside. I make my way over in a hurry because it is freezing outside.
When I get inside I'm surprised to see Jay already sitting in the very back of the diner. I look at my phone, it's 3:55pm. I didn't see him arrive so he must've been here before I did.
I walk over to him, a smile immediately grows on his face after he looks up at me.
"Hey." I say softly and smile at him, still shaking a little bit from the freezing cold. He chuckles when he notices that my clothing isn't warm enough for the Chicago winter, like always.
"Come on, don't be so stubborn just take my jacket, Erin." He pleads but I don't want to.
"No, I'm fine Jay." I say sternly and he throws his head back in annoyance.
"Erin, just let me look out for you for once. You're my girlfriend and I don't want you to get sick." He sighs and I turn to look at him. We're working a case and we're usually just 'partners' the second we enter the district. He caught me off guard with that because he's never called me his girlfriend before. I smile at him, he smirks at that because he knows he's got me convinced with that.
"Okay...thank you." I say softly and look up at while he helps me put on his jacket. I reach up to kiss him and the surprised look on his face tells me that I caught him off guard too because I'm usually the one who tries to be professional at work.
I suddendly jump when I hear a voice grumble in my ear. It's hank.
"Alright, love birds! I know I said your an undercover couple but lets keep our eyes on the perp alright?!" He instructs and I see how Jay immediately blushes. And I know he secretly hates me right now for doing this in front of our unit, which just makes me laugh.
"Just taking this UC job seriously Hank!" I chuckle in my mic and turn to keep an eye on our suspect.
"Hi, forget your nonexistent winter coat?" He asks with a raised eyebrow. I just laugh instead of saying anything in return; he made his point and I know he's right.
His comment was the perfect icebreaker and it's easy to have some small talk after. Of course he looks at we with disgust when I dip my fries in my shake like I always do. And I smile because I expected nothing less. It feels weird sometimes because I have to remind myself several times that I'm not in the past right now. Everytime I get lost in his eyes or almost reach over to hold his hand, I have to remind myself that I'm engaged and that a lot of things have happened ever since I left intelligence.
"...and so Ruzek ran this girl over we were hanging out with and got his arm broken. Two days before his twins were born. Kim was so pissed." He laughs, telling me about Kim's pregnancy and the things I missed. And I know the story is about Adam and Kim but I can't shake the burning desire to ask him about this 'girl'.
"That's hilarious! I hope the girl was ok though? Adam is heavy!" I laugh and notice Jay shifting awkwardly.
"Yeah, yeah she was fine." He says with a fake laugh that signals he doesn't really wants to talk about that girl, which can only mean one thing. All of the sudden I feel this burning jealousy inside of me. He had someone else over the years. At least one other person. But who am I to complain? I am the one with the fiancé after all.
There is an awkward silence after we stop laughing and his eyes tell me that he's thinking about what to say to me next. I'm still having the worst pictures in my head of Jay holding someone else the way he used to hold me. About him having secret little conversations with someone who isn't me. It makes me feel sick and for the first time I can imagine how he must feel, seeing me with David. Knowing that there's somebody else.
"So, how is work?" He suddendly asks with a smile trying to lighten the mood.
"Good. I mean technically they're all suffering there but it feels good to support them and see them smile every once in a while." I feel how my face brightens when I think about Millie. "There's a little girl I walk to school every morning. She really cracks me up." He smiles at that and I know he's also thinking about the conversation we once had at Molly's.
"And I have the sweetest co-worker, her name is Emily we've become pretty good friends over the years. She a little bit younger than I am. She's a sassy little princess but I love that about her." I tell him with a laugh.
"That sounds great!" He cheers. I shrug, nod and look down at the same time because even the thought of Em reminds me of her. "Or not?" Jay asks confused.
"It is. It's just...I never really told anyone because it's stupid but reminds me of Nadia in some ways. And I know it sounds horrible but sometimes I like to pretend that she is." I look up at him and feel tears pooling in my eyes. Great.
He looks at me sadly his eyes going back and forth between my hand and my gaze. I see him slightly move his hand towards mine but he stops right in front of mine not giving me the satisfaction of his touch I need so much right now.
"It's not horrible, Erin." He reassures, trying to give me the comfort he won't give me physically with his words.
"You lost your best friend. There's nothing wrong with pretending that she's with you every day. It's your way to cope with it and that's ok. And definitely a better way than your...'sabbatical'." He tries to lighten the mood again and I smile.
"Yeah, I guess so." I say softly, immediately feeling a little bit better.
"Besides you finally found someone to keep this crazy little mind of yours sane, right?" He says with a genuine smile and I know he's happy for me, but his eyes tell me that it hurts him anyways. I don't know what to say, I didn't expect him to talk about David today.
"Jay," I sigh, "we don't have to talk about this today."
"No. It's fine Erin." He shrugs, "so how and when did you two meet anyways?" He asks casually. I know he tries to make conversation but I'm not sure if I can talk to him about this.
"Uhm...we met at a bar...shocker." I chuckle uncomfortably. "It was about 8 months after I left intelligence, maybe a little bit longer...I'm not sure." I smile and cautiously eye him while he does his counting. He takes a deep breath.
"Wow...moved on fast huh?" He almost whispers through gritted teeth. It feels like smack in the face.
"Excuse me?" I ask quietly.
"You know what I'm talking about Erin. How could yo-"
"Okay stop." I interrupt him. "We're not going to talk about this. I..." I take a steadying breath while he keeps looking at me intensely.
"David and I had been friends for years until anything happened there. You don't get to judge me here, Jay." I shake my head slightly and look down at my fries. Playing with them because it keeps me sane right now. "He's been there for me through a lot when nobody else was so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pretend like this was some slutty revenge rebound that turned into a relationship. He helped me through a lot." and my mind can't help but play back that terrible night...
"David?...David?!" I cry through the phone.
"Erin?! It's 3am. What is going on? Are you okay!?" He asks worried.
I'm sobbing through the phone "I didn't know who else to call. I need you. I can't move... It hurts too much! I...I need your help, please!"