Hey y'all! Thanks for your reviews I appreciate every single one :) this chapter is mainly a flashback chapter. I know there are a lot of flashbacks but it's been 6 years so there's a lot that happened. Let me know if you like the flashbacks or not. I actually enjoy writing them but if you don't like them I'll try to do less flashbacks. I want to hear you opinions :) enjoy!
"He's been there for me through a lot when nobody else was so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pretend like this was some slutty revenge rebound that turned into a relationship. He helped me through a lot." and my mind can't help but play back that terrible night...
"David?...David?!" I cry through the phone.
"Erin?! It's 3am. What is going on? Are you okay!?" He asks worried.
I'm sobbing through the phone "I didn't know who else to call. I need you. I can't move... It hurts too much! I...I need your help, please!"
Jay's mouth opens and closes a couple times. Letting me know that he doesn't know what to say to me after completely misjudging the whole situation. And I know I have to get out of this situation right now or I will start to cry in front of him.
"I'm sorry. Excuse me for a second?" I ask while getting up. He just nods, still unable to find words. I make my way to the bathroom, fast but not too fast, trying to attract as little attention as possible. I can finally let out the loud sob I was holding after finally closing the restroom door behind me. 'Deep breaths, you can't be gone for too long.'
I splash some water onto my forehead to cool down, when suddenly my phone rings. It's Kim.
Hey friend. Sorry to bother you but I just thought about how great it was to hang out with you and the unit the other day. It really felt like old times and I was wondering if you'd be up for dinner this weekend? Maybe on Sunday? A family dinner kind of thing? David is invited too, of course. Just let me know, love you :)
I smile down at my phone, surprised by Kim's ability to make me feel better without the intention to do so. Do I really want to do this? Hang out with the unit, Jay included, and David at the same time?
Sure thing! I miss my friend ;)
I reply before I have the chance to think about it any longer. David deserves this; he deserves to meet the people I consider family even though I've been shutting them out for the past three years.
I've calmed down so I head back to our table. Jay immediately looks up when I sit down in front of him.
"I'm sorry Erin. I didn't know the whole story and I shouldn't have judged you. It's just-" he starts but once again I interrupt him, scared of where this conversation might go.
"It's fine, Ja-"
"No," to my surprise he interrupts me now. "Let me finish, please. I know you hate conversations like that and I know that what I said hurt you but please hear me out when I'm trying to apologize, Erin." He says with a steady voice. I just look at him and swallow, me being the one at a loss for words this time. He sighs and continues.
"I know I don't know the whole story...and I guess that might be part of my problem. I may have lost you as my partner six years ago but I never imagined that it meant I'd lose you completely." He says with sad eyes, "but at least I now know the reason why you never called after that night. You already had feelings for him?"
...
(7 months after Erin left intelligence:)
"Okay, thanks Hank. I don't know what I would do without you." I sigh through the phone. It's been three months since I started my job at the shelter and got my ass up after losing everything. It feels good to have a purpose again but I still struggle to ask for help.
"Of course kiddo. Just stop by with your files and we'll figure everything out." He says and hangs up.
I smile and put my phone into my pocket. I've been in the shelter the whole day and there is this woman that gives me a weird vibe. She seems familiar too, so I decided I'll stop at the district to go through some files with Hank. Normally I wouldn't really care but she has a 2-year-old son and children are always priority.
I get into my car and start the engine, preparing myself to go back there for the first time in over half a year. I'm a little bit scared but of course I didn't tell Hank that. I just hope Jay won't be there. We've had some phone calls and traded some texts since his proposal but that's it.
I have not seen him since the night I lost, or more quit, my job in intelligence and he proposed to me after.
...
I arrived at the district about 10 minutes ago and here I am sitting in my car. Afraid to go inside. I'm not a person to really show her feelings in front of other so I take my time to cool down before I go inside. I get out of the car and make my way over to the stairs.
I look to left as I walk up the stairs and my heart aches when I see her name. Nadia Decotis. I haven't seen that wall in a while and after all this time I've been away, it hurts even more. Sometimes I wonder how I could manage to stay here for so long. My heart has been broken so many times in that building. But there are also amazing memories. It's bittersweet I guess.
I open the door and immediately see Trudy. Her gaze finds mine and I have to smile. She's been one of the few people that's always been by my side no matter what.
"Erin" She whispers like a mom that's seeing her child for the first time in years. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and I feel like I've just swallowed 5 grapes that are now stuck in my throat.
"Hi Trudy" my voice breaks at that. We smile at each other again as she makes her way around her desk to pull me into a hug.
After pulling back she looks at with sad eyes. The same eyes Hank is giving me everytime since I left this place. The eyes that say 'poor thing her life is over.' But it's kind of funny; I mean, yes the job meant everything to me, but I'm finally able to take care of others and myself in the meantime. As a cop, I never had that. You're putting your life on the line the second you put your badge on. You truly live for the job. I was spreading myself thin when I worked in IU, and it's been nice to take care of myself for once too.
"I'm ok Trudy." I smile and answer the question she wouldn't ask. She just smiles back at me in return.
"Ok, hun. I'll buzz you up." She says and rubs my arm as she nods over to the stairs that I used to climb up and down, day in and day out. I walk through the gate and pray to god that this won't get awkward.
To my surprise, I walk into an almost empty bullpen. My eye is immediately drawn to Antonio who's going through files and snaps his head into my direction when he hears my footsteps.
"No way!" He shouts with the biggest smile on his face which causes Hayley to look around the corner from inside of the break room.
"What's up Anto-" She starts but stops the minute she sees my face. "Erin." She smiles. And I smile back at her while Antonio is already out of his seat and on his way to pick me up and twirl me around like I'm a 3 year old.
"It's nice to see you too, Antonio." I chuckle when he puts me down. "Hi Hayley." I nod and smile and she does the same.
"You missed everyone. They went after a perp, like 20 mins ago." Hayley says clearly meaning Jay with 'everyone'.
"It's okay. I'm just here for work anyways. Need to talk to Hank." I give her a small smile and catch a little bit of disappointment in her eyes when I pass her to get to Hanks office. Did she think I'd be here for Jay? Why? We're not a couple and I left over half a year ago. I reach the office door and knock softly. Once. And he immediately knows it's me.
"Come in Erin!" He yells and I smile. He knows it's me when it's only one knock. I open the door and Hank is already on his feet to hug me. It's one of those 'I love you so much how could I survive all those days without seeing you' hugs that last for about a few minutes.
"It's good to see you, Hank." I pull back to smile at him.
"You too, kiddo. Let's get to work shall we?" He ask with a smile, knowing that's all I'm here for. We can talk about our personal lives another time. So we walk over to his desk and get to work.
After going through what feels like a million files we finally found the link. A guy that we arrested in 2014 but weren't able to charge for a robbery. She gave him an alibi back then so we didn't have a case. I guess she finally managed to leave him for the sake of her son. I'm on my way out of the back after thanking Hank for his help today. As I cross the street to my car I see the rest of the unit pulling up. My heart is instantly being faster when I see Jay getting out of the, of course, drivers seat. 'This life must be great for him.' Now walking faster to avoid talking to him I notice that he's looking at me from the corner of my eye. So I walk a bit faster "Erin!" I hear him call after me but I ignore it and get into my car. And of course it doesn't work. I keep trying with shaking hands until the passenger door opens and he sits next to me.
"What's wrong, Er?! What the hell was that?" he asks breathless.
"What? Nothing." I simply reply.
"So you're saying you didn't just run away from me like a 5 year old to avoid seeing me?" He says, apparently slightly amused about my behaviour.
"My car isn't working so, I guess I failed at it anyways." I tell him and we both let out a little chuckle. He looks at me understandingly and opens the door again.
"Come on, I'll drop you off." He offers with a smile. "It's dark and I'd hate to see you walk...I mean not that I think you can't defend yourself but without a gun we shouldn't put it to the test." He smirks at me and I can't help but scoff.
"Wow, ok Dad." I sigh and get out of the car.
The drive to my apartment was quiet and awkward. We haven't seen each other since his proposal and definitely didn't expect to see each other tonight. When he stops outside of my building I try to make it out as fast as I can saying thanks and goodbye as I get ready to open the door but he won't let me.
"I miss you." He says quietly and I immediately freeze. I feel the tears already getting ready to fall the second he says it. I attempt to blink them away and turn my head to face him.
"Please don't do this to me, Jay." I say softly, hoping that my voice won't betray me. He holds my gaze, of course.
"Why not?" He asks.
"Because," i sigh loudly, "because I can't handle it. I can't handle having these words going through my head for the next few months. Wondering why the man that I love says stuff like this to me when he left me because he can't trust me. Wondering what I did wrong this entire time. Wondering why I worked so hard on myself and my trust issues when the person I opened up to never felt safe enough to open up to me. Wondering why I wasn't enough for you." I say, surprised by myself at how my voice only cracked once or twice saying this.
"What?" Jay frowns. He suddenly leans forward cupping my cheek, his warm touch setting my whole body on fire and my eyes fall shut instantly. I'm unable to hold back the sobs any longer.
"Erin, look at me." He pleads softly, and I open my eyes to look at him, "you've never been not enough. Don't ever think that. Those are my issues and I didn't want to put that weight on your shoulders, when you already have to carry so much."
"But I told you I could handle it." I tell him.
"You shouldn't have to though." He looks down sadly and now it's me cupping his face to make him look at me.
"But I can." I repeat sternly and his sad eyes find mine again. He looks tired, just as tired as I probably look. But it doesn't stop me from getting lost in his eyes. The way I always used to. And before realizing what he's doing I feel his lips on mine, his hands grabbing my face to pull me closer in a needing way. As if I'm the air he needs to breathe right now. His kisses are getting deeper and his hands are holding onto me for dear life. Just like mine are holding onto him.
He looks at me, shocked when I pull away. "Come on." I whisper trying to catch my breath. He just nods and follows me inside my apartment.
I close the door behind us and his lips immediately find mine again. "I missed you so much, Erin." He mumbles against my lips and pulls back to look at me. I want to say it back. I want to tell him that I couldn't sleep longer than 3 hours a day ever since he left me, but I can't. I can't be more vulnerable than I already am right now. I can't let him tear down that wall again. Not until I know he really means it.
"Kiss me." Is all I can manage to say, so he does it, leading me into my bedroom. We lose our clothes on the way. He lays me down on the bed and starts roaming my body with his hands and kisses, driving me crazy with his touch, and we lose ourselves in one another, satisfying the craving we've both clearly had for one another over the past 8 months.
...
I woke slowly the next morning, the light of the sun warming my face and rousing me from sleep. I let out a grunt of annoyance and tried to bury my face under the covers, when I smelt it. Jay. That mixture of soap, aftershave and gunpowder. It was all over my bed.
The images of last night's events flashed back in my head. Our kiss in the car. Jay telling me he missed me. Falling into bed, making love for hours on end and falling asleep safe in his arms. I smiled as the memories warmed my body, reaching out to pull him back to me.
I finally open my eyes when I feel the cold sheets. I saw the mess of bedsheets under my hand, assuring me that Jay had been here. I wasn't imagining things. I sat up quickly, getting out of bed and wrapping the sheet around my body as I went in search of my old partner. But the further I walked into the apartment, the more evident it was becoming.
He had left.
Without a goodbye. He slipped out in the middle of the night, and now all I feel is completely and utterly used. I race back into the bedroom, already hitting the 1 on my speed dial, but I stop myself before I can ring his number.
He left. He didn't want to stay with me. He doesn't want me. He lied to me; I wasn't enough.
I throw my phone onto the bed and let the sheet fall to the floor, deciding to shower instead. I need to remove the memories of last night from my skin. I'm standing under the hot water for a few minutes when my vision begins to blur, and my throat becomes tight. The sobs rack my body and I fall to my knees, crying.
'Why wasn't I enough?'
...
"I didn't want to hurt you." His voice is so soft, but it breaks me out of my thoughts "I was scared I was going to hurt you. My nightmares ... I couldn't trust myself."
I narrow my eyes at him "Well leaving me naked and alone in my bed hurt me anyways."
"I thought you would call. I wanted you to call, but you never did." He argues.
His statement confuses me even more "Why the fuck would I call? You walked out, yet again Jay."
"That's not fair." His voice is pained, but I don't have it in me to feel sympathetic anymore "I was trying not to bury you in everything I was dealing with. You already had your own shit to deal with Erin, it wasn't fair to ask you to take on my crap too."
I scoff "You told me that same bullshit that night too. It doesn't change the story Jay. You could've woken me to tell me why you were leaving. You could've left a note. Anything would've been better than just leaving me, alone and confused."
The tears are filling my eyes again, but I will them not to fall "I was so hurt that morning Jay. You kept telling me that I was enough for you, and then you did everything possible to make me feel like everything you ever told me was a lie."
"Erin ... I never meant to make you feel like that."
"Well you did. I didn't call because I had feelings for David. I never called because I still had feelings for you, and when you left me there I thought you regretted that night. I thought you didn't want me."
Jay's hand reaches over to hold mine "I never regretted that night Erin, it was one of the best of my entire life. I was just scared, and I thought that maybe ... after everything that happened between us ... Maybe you didn't want me. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought that you would call or something, and tell me you wanted to be with me again. And when you didn't, I just figured that was your way of saying we were done."
I squeeze his hand, my brain still trying to process this fucked up mess that we've made "I guess we both made some mistakes."
"Yeah, I guess we did." Jay says sadly "So what do we do? Where do we go from here?"
I shrug, unsure of what I want. Can I have Jay in my life? Does he even want to be in it?
"I would like to be in your life, if you want." I sound nervous, and I wonder if he can tell.
Jay smiles "I'd like that too. I know you have David, but I've missed you these past years. I missed having my best friend; no one knows me quite like you do."
I can feel the blush rise up my cheeks at his comment, but I brush it off. Instead, I pull my hands away from his and place them in my lap "Okay then, friends?"
Jay nods in agreement "Friends."
A/N: Thank you all for your support, please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter!