Oh guys...this is serious Hallmark territory. Tissue warning because I was nearly crying writing it. But then, I have a lot of feelings soooo...
Written per the recommendation of Lucyh95. I hope this meets expectations :) Also you guys should totally check out her fics! She's got some amazing stories on her page, and you're missing out if you haven't found them.
Enjoy your double-scoop helping of Sam and Mary angst!
It's after midnight at the bunker.
Sam is sitting at the table, the only light in the room coming from the blue glow of his laptop.
There have been too many nights like this in his life, sitting in front of a screen, researching something about a case with burning eyes, while sleep tries to reach out and grab him.
He needs to go to bed, should have hours ago, and he feels like he could fall asleep right here. But lately, every time he lays down in his bed, rest won't come.
His thoughts drip by one after another, like his brain is a leaking faucet.
It been going on for days now and Sam's not entirely sure what is causing his insomnia, but it's nothing new to him.
"Sam?"
He hears his mother's voice, small and weary, before he sees her.
Suddenly Mary is standing in front of him. She's wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants. Her hair is messy and she looks very flushed and sleepy.
Sam wonders how many nights she had looked just like this, getting up to rock him or Dean to sleep when they were babies.
Until the very last time. When she had gone to his room to comfort him on her last night on earth.
"Hey, mom." He looks up and smiles, a tired smile, tinged with something that makes the expression seem melancholy and out of place.
"How's the research coming along?" She sits down in a chair beside his and rubs a hand over the back of her neck; it's a nervous tick, Sam notices she seems to do it whenever the mood is tenuous.
"It's going ok." Sam states simply. "Why are you up, mom? Is everything alright?"
Mary nods "I was just laying in bed trying to sleep, when I realized I never heard that soothing sound of you gargling for 20 minutes." She laughs and Sam looks mortified.
"I didn't realize that you could hear that all the way in your room."
Mary laughs again "You can hear it all over the bunker, Sam. It's ok. I'm glad Dean raised you to have proper oral hygiene."
Sam smirks, "Dean? Nah. It was self-taught. Dean barely remembered to change out of his clothes, most nights."
Sam runs a hand through his long hair and suddenly, without apparent cause, the mood changes.
"Honestly, Sam, what are you still doing awake?" Mary asks after a pause. "I don't think that a possible werewolf in Pennsylvania is worth staying up until dawn to research."
"I'm fine, Mom." Sam tries to push on past the topic of his welfare, but Mary looks at him like she can see right through him, and, after a minute, he sighs and speaks honestly. "It's just...dark thoughts. I have nights like this sometimes."
Mary won't let it go at that. "I know that I've been...distant, since I've come back." She looks supremely guilty and Sam thinks that the word 'distant' doesn't begin to cover it. "But, I really hope that you and Dean feel you can come to me with any problem. I'm still your mother." She tilts her head and quirks a sadly hopeful smile.
Sam nods minutely and continues. "Mom..." he falters, running a hand over his tired eyes, "I've done some things."
There's a long pause where Mary just keeps looking at him, waiting to see if he will continue.
Finally he does. "I've seen a side of myself that scares me so much. I was born with a darkness hanging over me, like birthmark, it's branded me and...and it's never really...faded out entirely." He looks at his mom intensely, and sees a sudden blink of awful understanding in her eyes.
"Oh, Sam." She looks like she wants to reach out and touch him but she hesitates and he can see that she's afraid to be spurned.
"I didn't know. I had no idea what Azazel had planned for that night."
Sam wants to forgive her, he really does, but something inside him clenches at her denial and he shakes his head. He shuts the lid to his laptop and repositions himself so that he is facing his mother directly. "Mom, you had to know that whatever Azazel wanted to do, it wasn't gonna be good. What I don't understand is...how could you still make that deal?" His voice comes out harsh and biting, he can't help himself. There are too many years of pain and anger behind it all. He breathes to clear his mind.
"I can't justify it, Sam." Mary has tears glinting in her eyes as she speaks, but it's like a far-off emotion, she just stares into the distance and Sam can practically see the bad memories reflected in her glassy eyes.
"I had just lost John. And he was the only thing in my life at that time, the only lifeline I had. Dad..." her eyes flicker up to Sam's "your grandpa, he already had my life mapped out for me. I was a good hunter even then and he was just sure I'd follow in his footsteps. I couldn't do that. I just couldn't live that life for one more second. And John was everything I needed and to lose him..."she huffs into silence for a second, then continues, wiping at the few tears that track down her cheeks "to lose him to some stupid demon after everything. I couldn't let that happen."
It's a simple enough motivation, Sam understands it on a lot of levels, he's made deals to bring Dean back, done horrible things for his brother and he realizes that his mom, like him, never wanted this life of blood and fear that was thrust upon her, is still being thrust upon her, long after the natural law should have allowed. He understands, he wants to forgive her, but it's just not that simple.
"But, Mom. I just, sometimes I think, if you hadn't made that deal, if you had let Dad go that night, the world would be so much better off." Sam's voice is tight and high and he huffs off into silence after the last word.
Mary's head shoots up. "Don't you ever. Ever. Talk like that. I know I don't have the right to order you around but I swear, Sam, you say anything like that again and I'll...I don't know. I'll tell Dean. And *he'll* kick your ass." She smiles through her tears and Sam's mood almost lifts, but he can't quite bring himself to let this go that easily.
"I killed people, mom. I've done things that I...I can't even talk about, I've been...through things...and I just..." Sam doesn't know what else to say so he drifts off.
Mary takes a long time to respond and when she does it's hesitantly, she's trying not to cross a line that hasn't quite been established yet.
"I haven't known you very long, Sam," she starts "I've missed out on so much. But I didn't have to be in the room with you for more than two minutes before I could see what kind of a man you'd become. You are *so good, Sam. I can just feel it. It's there in everything you do, everything you say. It's in your eyes and in your actions. You and your brother are so strong and brave and you got that from yourselves. It was born into you. I wasn't there to teach it to you and that will haunt me for eternity...but, Sam...I'm so proud of the men you've become." She breaks off and suddenly she's got her hand on Sam's arm.
He jerks a little, and then relaxes. It's nothing. A simple gesture. It's just everything he's always wanted; his mom talking to him, and comforting him when he can't sleep.
He remembers the late night stories Dean would tell about her when Sam was really missing his mom, all about Hey Jude and vanilla perfume and how much she loved him. It's a feeling of safety he didn't even fully understand until this moment.
"You and Dean are my greatest creations," she continues "the best things to ever come from me and John. And if making that deal allowed me to be with John for several more years and create you two, then, I'm sorry, but I don't regret that."
More tears are spilling over as she speaks, but her voice comes out strong and she holds onto Sam's arm with a strength that doesn't seem possible for her small hands.
Sam can't meet her eyes because he fears breaking down himself, so he just stares at a point on the wall and nods rapidly, the way he does when he's close to tears.
He realizes she's not gonna let up until he's said something, so he looks at her finally, the look of motherly love in her eyes making him feel more whole than he has in a long time.
"Ok, mom." He chokes.
Mary lets go of Sam's arm and wipes her face quickly "Alright, that's enough touchy-feely stuff," she smiles sadly, an expression that is remarkably similar to Dean's, lighting her eyes, and stands up.
"You coming, Sam?" She says as she heads to bed.
"In a minute." He replies. She starts to walk away and he speaks before she gets to the hall
"Hey, Mom?"
She turns around to hear what he's gonna say next and suddenly he's lost his ability to speak again. He breathes the words out, thickly after a second, "D..do...do you think we'll ever be ok? Me, you, Dean, Cas? Our family?"
Mary strides across the room and sits back down in front of her youngest. He's looking down at his lap and twisting his hands, anxiously. She takes him by the chin and lifts his head so that his eyes meet hers. "I do, Sam." She states simply.
She strokes her thumb along his cheek and Sam breathes out and melts into her touch.
"My baby. My baby, Sam." she whispers fondly, looking at him like she's gone back in time.
Suddenly, he hears her singing under her breath. It's faint and stilted and he wonders if she even knows she's doing it, but there's no mistaking the words; "hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song, and make it better..." they sit like that for a long, long time, Sam closing his eyes and leaning into his mother's hand while she sings faintly.
It's not possible to heal thirty years of misery and abandonment in one night, but when they finally shake themselves out of their quiet trance, when Mary stops singing the quiet lullaby, when at last, Sam drifts off to his room, he falls down on his bed and sleep overtakes him.
And he sleeps like he hasn't since the last time he fell asleep in his mother's arms.
He sleeps..well, like a baby.
~end
Thanks for reading as always! Hope you enjoyed this latest installment in my fix-it fic series.
P.S. Feel free to rant in my inbox about how wrong it is that we never got any scenes like this between Sam and Mary. They bring Mary back and then they don't even let her and Sam bond properly? How do they sleep at night?
P.P.S. Ok, this is random, but have any of you clicked the read-aloud option at the top of the app? I don't know if it's available on the browser, but in the app it's just like a headphones symbol. I had to share this find with you, because it is pure comedy-gold.
That tinny, serious, computer voice reading aloud my dewy-eyed, fangirl gushings made my entire night.
This has been a public service announcement. You're welcome.