I smiled

Chapter 2

Same day second chapter! Please read and review.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I gave myself a pep talk and I am ready to go. I Walked through the sliding doors to a lively hospital atmosphere. It was ten till sevens I had plenty of time to go to the HR department and turn in my paperwork. Following the signs I made way there.

There were a handful of other interns doing the same thing. I didn't recognize them. There was an internship gettogether that I was invited to but I didn't go to it. Drinking from nine to eleven the night before the scariest day of my life. No thank you. I like my sleep. Granted I hardly slept last night but that is besides the point. After turning in my paperwork I made my way to the third floor intern "lounge" aka locker room. It had boring beige walls with beat up beige lockers and the musty smell that all locker rooms seems to have. There were about fifteen or so people picking out lockers. I decided to pick one in the last row top shelf. I threw in my giant purse that carried a pair of sneakers and my white coat and lunch bag. Then I sat on the wooden bench that was nailed to the floor and waited. I didn't have to wait long. A tall black man with a white goatee that I knew to be Dr. Weber came in.

Dr. Weber has that kind of personality that demands to be listened too. A natural born leader. Having an interview with him for this position was scary enough over Skype. In person he was Godlike. Yep, I read all his work before the interview and watched a couple of his surgeries that were available to view online. I'm a surgeon obsessed nerd. Sue me.

"Welcome to Seattle Grace/Mercy West Hospital. As you know I am Dr. Weber and you are this years set of surgical interns. Let's start the tour." We all immediately lined up and followed like little ducklings that imprinted. We started at the ER.

" I thought there would be more action going on" whispered an intern with black hair brown skin and slight accent. My guess, he was from India. "Right man, I heard this place was the place to be to see some real action." This came from a brown haired pale skinned intern who was at least six feet tall.

"Jason" he held out his hand.

"Amir" he shook his hand.

"And the boys club begins" murmured a woman from some Asian descent. She turned to me.

"Watch those idiots be the first to scrub in."

I smiled at her. "Well if they are truly idiots I don't think we have to be worried." I muttered back.

"Amy Xio" she then followed the boys pattern and stuck out her hand.

"Katrina Gianatino" Amy had the perfect hands for a surgeon. Long thin fingers, short clipped nails, and I could see the muscles in her palm flex.

"It's nice to meet you" I smiled. Amy seemed very smart. But kinda a bitch. She was the type of girl who liked to ask questions to seem smart. She would then write them down on a clipboard. A freaking clipboard. I probably should judge too harshly since I had index cards in my pocket.

The hospital is laid out like most hospitals the ER and Imagining along with waiting rooms and a cafeteria were on the first floor. Recovery and ICUs were on the second floor. And so it went for 5 floors. It wasn't him we went back to the third floor that I knew it was time to see the ORs. A reverential kind of quiet went on throughout our group. The kind of quiet that went on right before entering a church. Where you knew something greater than you resided and the people in it are the only people that could understand that feeling. It's a spiritual thing to come into an OR. It has so much potential. How many lives were saved here? How many lives were lost? What kind of ghosts reside here? And will I add people to either list?

I was one of the last people to enter the room. The downfall of being short. The back wall was all clear plastic shelving with prepped trays. The tile was scuffed and scraped but had that sterile kind of clean. The bed table was shiny and clean like an angel with a halo of light around it from the ceiling lights. I turned to look at the wall behind me. It was completely glass. It was basically two separate windows. The bottom planes were windows showing us the scrub room. Then I craned my neck upwards practically touching my back to look up onto the observatory deck.

I may have blushed a little. Attending a and residents alike were looking at us like a newly discovered species. I couldn't make out the people in the back row but I could recognize a few faces in the front row. I could see Dr. Robins the Peds attending and who I wanted to learn from the most. Next to her was a black haired doctor with wide cheekbones and brown eyes. On the other side of Dr. Robins was a doctor I recognized as Dr. Yang who was mentioned in a few medical journals I read. Next to her was a scowling man with brown hair. While he looked angry he was also nice looking. His hair looked soft and his skin was tanned. He also seemed muscular under his scrubs, but it is hard to tell with a white coat in the way. He could just be fat. There were others in the room. All of them talking and laughing. I think I even saw some taking and exchanging money. Great they were taking bets on us. Not surprising though, surgeons are the medical fields football player. All of them addicted to adrenaline and keeping score. And I was one of them now. Even though I felt like a minnow and they looked like sharks ready eat me. Maybe more like dolphins. Dolphins look sweet and innocent but they can be cruel. They never stop moving, they socialize, have their own language, and have a lot of sex. They also like to play with their food. I swallowed. I focused on my breathing. I didn't know about the sex part, but they definitely liked to play with their food, these surgeons.

A throat was cleared that could only belong to Dr. Weber. "Each of you comes in here today hopeful. Wanting in on the game. A month ago, you were in med school, being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors," I looked up to see some of the doctors saying or mouthing the words along with Dr. Weber. I smiled and looked away. It seems this must be a traditional welcome speech. Which Explains it's excellent execution. "The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of your will crack under the pressure, two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play... that's up to you," he said as We all looked around at each other.

I wasn't too excited about the competing part, but at the same time I feel the need to compete and win. " Alright people, back to the locker room". We all shuffled reluctantly out of the room and back to the locker room. We picked up a set of scrubs that were designed to us of a table on the way.

I quickly changed once I made my way back. Making sure the pins in my bun were still secure I bent down to tie my blue and pink Nikes. By the time I got up residents and attending a we're picking up their interns. I hadn't heard my name yet so I grabbed a granola bar and scarfed it down in one gulp. I have been working and volunteering in hospitals since I was fourteen. I knew how hard interns had to work and how they sometimes went an entire day without eating. I think better when I'm not hungry. The tour had calmed my nerves enough to not be nauseous. But now that I saw I was one of the last few interns left those butterflies started to fly again. I saw Dr. Robins come and go already so I knew it was unlikely to get into pediatrics today. A short and angry looking black woman came into the room Kennedy, Gianatino, Xio, Parker, Patel, you're with me let's go. She started walking at such a fast pace for someone so small.

"I am Dr. Bailey. I have five rules, memorize them. Rule number one - don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change," she said, I have heard similar speeches before so I didn't bat an eyelash, "Trauma protocol, phone list, pagers - nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run - a run - that's rule number two!" Dr. Bailey continued as the interns quickly grabbed their pagers from the main desk and followed her, "Your first shift starts now and lasts 12 hours. You lucky little babies you. Due to laws passed in 2003 you cannot work longer than 14 hours a day, because you people always screw things up and then blame it on lack of sleep! You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work every second night until you drop, and don't complain! On-call rooms," she spoke, opening the door to a small room with a bunk bed and a small table, "Attendings hog them. Sleep where you can, when you can, which brings me to rule number three. If I'm sleeping, don't wake me, unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four - the dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, you would have woke me for no good reason. We clear?" she asked, and the interns all nodded a bit fearfully. She was good. I still had hope that she was actually nice. But I could tell she was a good surgeon. They don't keep mean people unless they are good, because who wants to work with a bitch? We picked up our iPads from the nurses stations without stopping. I had an index card in my pocket with my login information. Me and my anxiety ridden self memorized the information a while ago.

I was lucky enough to have have used the medi-tech software before at my old job as a CNA. So, I unlike the rest of our team had my eyes on Dr. Bailey who was leading us to the second floor.

"Post-op patients. It is the first thing in the morning. You are going to wake them to see your ugly faces. They are not going to be happy. You say good morning, you smile, and you get done fast." She walked into a room on the right.

" Xio, report" she handed Xio the chart.

" Suzy Carmichael. 39, post op patient with a pancreatic tumor removed." She read this with a smile on her face acting like she was the smartest person ever.

"What is the top concern for post op patients?" Bailey asked to the room.

"Infection" I responded.

" What do we look for?" She asked me. "Fever, redness, tenderness, and leaking of any kind" I said immediately.

"Fluids of any kind" she snorted. "A sense of humor. Good for you." She snorted again a muttered to herself. "Parker, check the dressing. What do you see?" He expertly responded by saying "Aww sick man. I think it's infected." He looked at the scar like he wanted to poke it with a stick. It took all my self control not to roll my eyes. Amy was not as controlled as myself. "Let me see." Bailey pushed the frat boy out of the way. When she completely took of the bandage I could see green discharge oozing from the surgical scar. The scar looked brand new. She was either a day or two post op. Before Bailey could finish checking the site I decided to speak up. While my heart was racing with the fear of being wrong I was still confident enough in this. "So, we should give her broad spectrum antibiotics and get a blood panel to make sure it's nothing serious." I stated. I tried to look casual looking at my iPad while saying this. I was really trying to figure out where my heart was wanting to run to. Hoping it would decide to stay in my chest. I was also trying to remember the damn room number. When I looked up I saw the rest of the interns checking little pocket books or notes. Except for Parker. He was still staring at the scar. I tried not to smile. I don't want to act cocky. Working as a CNA gave me an edge for like two weeks. Maybe a month if they are all stupid. I needed to make friends or at least gain respect. I am a tiny cute little girl. I know that. Most girls would like that. I would prefer to be an ugly hulking giant. At least people would believe I know what I was doing.

We checked on the rest of the post op patients most of whom were doing well. Bailey let us go to lunch before we start checking on her pre op patients. I decided to see if the cafeteria had edible food first. It seemed to smell good enough so I got in line with the rest of the group. Frat boy was getting one of everything. Amy a salad and Amir and Jason got a mix. I decided on a burger and fries. Screw healthy eating. I did that for breakfast.

"So do you think that rumor of one of us getting to scrub in is true?" Asked Amir. "I heard that rumor too. I want in." Amy replied. We walked over to a table that was open in the middle of the cafeteria. Our table was right next to the residents and attendings. "I'm just focused on surviving this place." Jason said as we sat down.

"You will never survive this place if that's your attitude. Surgeons are sharks. There are 20 interns who are all dying to get near a scalpel. If you aren't willing to die for it go home and make easier for the rest of us."

"Well damn Amy!"

"She harsh but it's true." I said after a big swallow of burger. "The people who are going to be real surgeons. The good ones. All of us will be fighting for that surgery. Whatever it is." I continued to scarf down my food. The other interns continued to talk about the likelihood of one of us doing a surgery. I nodded and smiled along with the conversation. I would usually be an active part of the conversation. I liked people. I get people. Which means I was fully aware of our residents and attendings sitting at the table beside me.

Practically brushing my shoulder was the scowling guy from the observation room. I overheard his interns call him Dr. Karev. He had his chair pushed out far so he could stretch out his legs. If I wanted to I could reach out and touch his shoulder. Surrounding him was Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepard the other Dr. Grey, Dr. Bailey, and Dr. Torres. I was proud to remember all the names. Of the surgeons.

Dr. Yang cam to the table and placed a tray down angrily. She shoved Dr. Grey over a little to share a chair with her. "They are all idiots!" She cried. "You have any good ones" she turned to Dr. Grey. "Not really." "Imagine how I felt with you trouble making idiots" Bailey interjected. "They literally have no idea what they are doing. We were never that stupid." Dr. Karev said while also chewing on a burger. "Uh-huh" Dr. Bailey snorted at him. "I have an intern who may be smarter than you lot" she informed him. "That's right. You got the child Prodigy." Dr. Shepard said to her. "What child Prodigy?" Dr. Grey asked. "I'll trade you any of my interns for a child prodigy. Even the one who is good at charting." Dr. Karev pleaded, sitting up in his chair. Causing a slight breeze tickling the baby hairs on my neck. "No way. I deserve a competent surgeon after what you put me through. She's mine for the rest of the week and I am giving her up for your idiots." Bailey declared. She stood up and walked over to our table that had gotten quiet while she said this. "Gianatino, lets go. You can observe a whipple this afternoon. The rest of you do scut on all my patients. Get labs, chart, answer calls" she just continued to walk never stopping. Meanwhile the rest of us followed with various stages of shoving food in our mouths.

"Sweet!" I shouted. Then I quickly shut my mouth and covered it with my hand. My fellow interns looked at me like I was the antichrist. The table of residents looked at me curiously. I caught the eye of Dr. Karev. His eyes were a golden brown color. A cinnamon color maybe. He quickly looked me up and down at I round the corner with Bailey. If it were any other situation I would think he was checking me out. But, he had to be about ten years older than me. I was also much younger than the rest of the interns which I knew was an anomaly. No, he, like the rest of the surgeons, would now be studying me to see if I can take it. See if I can do what needs to be done at such a young age. I was used to this. Graduating high school the same year you get your license has taught me that age is definitely discriminated against.

I think Bailey kind of maybe like me. It was hard to tell. But she did let me in on the surgery. On the other hand all she did was quiz me. She never told me if I got the answer right or wrong but I assume since she didn't kill me I was doing okay. The procedure took another four hours. Leaving me only with three hours left of my shift.

"Thank you Dr. Bailey. For letting me scrub in and observe and for teaching me." I said while scrubbing out. She looked at me with squinted eyes "you got into an OR stop sucking up" she said as she dried her hands and walk out of the room. I think she smiled in the way out.

After that surgery I decided it was necessary to take a clonazepam. I didn't have time to grab one before the surgery and the panic I had been holding back was coming onto me in full force. I am good with blood, guts, puke, after being a CNA nothing really grosses me out. But I had never seen organs alive and working before. It was a moment to behold. To cherish the amazing works of the body. I put my fingers to the small cross on my neck. God was not my main reason for becoming a surgeon but he definitely plays a part. After all He is the one the ultimately decides how it's going to go in the OR. The cross was he same one I received on my baptism. Same chain and all.

The gold cross was about the size between two knuckles on a single finger. Maybe smaller. Instead of straight line it looked like a ribbon. Little loops nesting in the middle to cradle a small sapphire, my birthstone. To hold it on my neck was the thinnest chain anyone with ever see. You have to use a microscope to see the interlocking links. Trying to get see the clasp let alone hold it was next to impossible. Which is one of many reasons I never took it off. Catholic guilt may be a factor as well.

Holding my good luck charm I focused on my breathing while walking into the main area by the entrance. All the interns were standing around and gossiping. Guessing who will be the first to scrub in. I could tell from some of the glares I was getting a was a prime candidate. I tried to stand as tall as a 5'3" person could. I kept my head straight and high not really looking at anyone or anything. All of the residents and attendings that were available were standing on the steps. A grand staircase that seemed to make Gods out of men when they stood there looking down at us. A gingered haired man who I knew was the new chief of surgery started to speak.

" Alright everyone. I know you are tired and have worked hard today. So, I'm just going to get into it. After a discussion with your residents we have decided on the best intern to scrub in. Usually we have the intern do something simple. But, that was just not in the cards today. So they get to assist on a whipple." My group of interns groans and started to stare at me. I was shaking in my sneakers. I hadn't decided if it was from excitement or fear. Probably both. I tried my best to play it cool.

" After some discussion we decided Dr. Gianatino will be the one to assist Dr. Webber on a Whipple. You should all take note and follow her example." He told the group much to my embarrassment. To make matters worse he was looking around the crown for me. "Uhh where is…" I started to make my way forward. "Thank you, Dr. Hunt. Thank you Dr. Bailey and ever as well. I promise to do my best!" I told them smiling. My parents always told me that they paid a lot of money for braces to my smile so pretty, so I better use it.

" Well let's see what you can do Dr. Gianatino." Dr. Weber said while ushering me up to the OR. As I scrubbed in both Bailey and Weber quizzed me on the procedure.

I took another deep breathe. I focused on my breathing. My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. Actually I felt the glisten of sweat all over. I was starting to make my way up the panic attack ladder. Do not freeze. Do not freeze. I chanted this to myself along with other encouraging sentiments. I didn't want to take another clonazepam after having one less than an hour ago. So I started to sing in my head. Music is a great coping mechanism to whatever ails you.

I got into my place to assist and checked out all the tools on the tray to make sure it was set up right. "Oh Dr. Gianatino, your on the wrong side of the bed." Dr. Weber informed me. I looked around confused. "This is where the assisting surgeon stands" I could feels my brows furrowing. "It is. You will be performing this surgery as the lead surgeon." He said matter of factly. "Sir, I don't think…" I begun to say. "Let's get started shall we. You saw one and now you will do one" he had somehow ushered me into the other side of the table. My heart wasn't racing. It was in a rocket traveling at the speed of light. I think it was beating so fast it wouldn't even register on a monitor. I suddenly felt the need to go to the bathroom. Or shit my pants, which was becoming the more likely option in my state of anxiety.

My ears started to ring. I looked up and the blurry figures of surgeons laughing at me and exchanging bets. I suddenly felt an elbow in my ribs. "Don't look at them look Michael here." Weber instructed me. "Okay" I nodded. Well best just get it over with I decided.

"Scalpel" I held my hand out for the nurse to hand it to me. "Thank you…" I drifted off realizing I didn't know the nurse's name. "Fran" she informed me. "Right. Hi" I said awkwardly. Weber cleared his throat. "Ok. Making lateral incision" I stated what I was doing. Or trying to do. I realized with embarrassment. My cheeks were blushing now. "Today Gianatino" Weber commanded. "Yep. Okay." I gulped. I made the incision and crimson blood welled. I was still shaky. I was trying so desperately to calm down. " Are you okay Gianatino?" Weber finally asked. I looked up. The crowned was bigger. I could see most of my fellow interns waiting for me to fail. Frat boy seemed excited. I couldn't tell if it was for me to fail or succeed. Another intern I hadn't met with chocolate hair and blue eyes stared intensely at me. Then I looked to the residents. Most didn't look to hopeful. Dr. Karev happened to catch my eye. He was standing off to the side with hand on his chin looking thoughtful. I couldn't really see any emotion his face. But there was something in his eyes. A glint or spark, whatever you want to call it. I like like to think it was hope. Hope for me. I remember that hope. The hope I had for hours studying for exam after exam. Just me, a highlighter, and my playlist

I took another breathe. "Is it okay if I try something a little unorthodox?" I turned and asked Weber. "Anything at this point will be nice" he said. "Great" I replied and smiled.

I started to hum. Throughout the next three hours I hummed through what felt like every hymph I knew. And possibly an entire Carrie Underwood album. But I did it. I went through the surgery without a hitch. Humming aloud me to recall all the things I learned and already knew. Repeating the familiar action of my studying put me in the zone. After I finished sewing up the pancreas that was left with the duodenum I looked at Dr. Weber. "I did it" I looked at him smiling under my mask. "So you did" he seemed to smile under his mask too. "I'll close up Dr. Gianatino. You're already an hour passed your shift. Go home get some rest. We are gonna do the same thing all day tomorrow." He said this as he started sewing the abdominal wall back together while pushing intestines back into their place. "Are you sure? I would love to…" instarted but he didn't let me finish. "Go home Katrina and get some rest" he said to me kindly. I practically skipped out of the room.

I cleaned up and went to my locker to change. I was coming down from the adrenaline rush and starting to feel the exhaustion set in. I took the elevator to the first floor. Ready to walk home. As I was getting off another doctor walked in. I turn d to see Dr. Karev. I smiled and kept walking.

" Hey" he said called out in a voice husky from lack of sleep. "You helped me get $100 today." He informed me. "Ah, so you did bet on me" I turned and crossed my arms. "I read your file you know." He looked me up and down. Trying again to size me up. "I helped pick out some of the interns this year. I don't think I'll bet against you anytime soon. So don't screw up" He ordered me. "Wasn't planning on it" I said. He let the door shut and I made my way out of the hospital. Today was a good day. I smiled.