Chapter Three- Slipping through my Fingers

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning. Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile. I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness. And I have to sit down for a while.
The feeling that I'm losing her forever and without really entering her world. I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter. That funny little girl.

I couldn't believe that I had a daughter, about to be married.

I couldn't believe that I had a daughter, let alone two!

When Daniel was born, I wanted to leave it there, but Felicity insisted we try and see if we could have one of each. And lo and behold, we had the twins.

I will admit that I haven't been the best father in the world. The job came first, always did. Felicity knew this. She stayed at home and raised the children.

But then she died.

And I was left to raise a fifteen year old son and two twelve year old girls.

It's as though I have blinked and my whole life has flashed before my eyes.

Keira was getting married in a couple of days.

She would no longer be a Holmes, she would be a swan.

She was no longer my little girl.

Slipping through my fingers all the time. I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it.
Slipping through my fingers all the time. Do I really see what's in her mind?Each time I think I'm close to knowing. She keeps on growing…
Slipping through my fingers all the time

The night before the wedding, I found myself sat downstairs in my house, surrounded by hundreds of photos. Felicity had wanted to keep a record of the kids growing up. I was grateful that I hadn't managed to dissuade her. Now I was able to sit and look at Keira growing up.

I lost track of time and startled when I heard the door opening.

"Mike?" called Greg from the hallway.

"Living room!" I called back. I heard the sound of Greg shuffling around in the hall and then the pad of his footprints as he came into the lounge.

"Bloody hell!" he said, looking around at the mess on the floor. "What happened in here?"

I couldn't help but smile, "With Keira getting married tomorrow, I wanted to look back on her life. So I dug out all the photos that Felicity had taken as she grew up."

"Can I join you?"

I nodded and Greg sat on the floor. He picked up the photo nearest his foot and looked at it.

"Well, this looks like a sports day photo!" he smiled showing me.

I looked at the photo and smiled, "That was the only Sports Day I managed to make. Keira was so happy and ran her little socks off. She managed to come first in the relay race."

"Daddy! Daddy!" Keira called from a distance.

I turned and saw my seven year old run at me.

"Daddy! Guess what?"

"What?" I asked, not really that interested. I was missing an important meeting on foreign relations for this.

"I came first in relay and Mollie came second in the egg and spoon race!" she panted.

"How is running with an egg on a spoon a sport?" I had asked.

Keira frowned, "It's just a bit of fun, Daddy. Try it. You may enjoy yourself!" and with that, she had run off to find the rest of her team.

I chuckled.

"Care to share what's so funny?" asked Greg, putting the photo down.

"Keira may have told me to try the egg and spoon race…"

Greg laughed, "Why?"

"I was in a bad mood, not wanting to be there and I dissed the race as not being a proper sport. She was having none of it and told me to try it and I might enjoy myself."

"Sounds like she learned to ignore your moods from an early age?"

I smiled, "Keira has always had no time for my attitude towards anything, and she will always tell me off or reprimand me. Always. Especially after her mother died."

"That must have been hard."

I nodded, "Especially when she decided that performance was what she wanted to do. I remember her first show after her mother died. She had just started secondary school and they were doing Matilda. There should be a photo of it somewhere…" I looked around and found the photo I was looking for. Keira was stood in her old primary school uniform with her hair in plaits, stood posing in a superhero style for the opening night of her school production.

"She was one of two Matilda's. And I remember how excited she was. She would come home every night and sing the songs, practising her dance moves. It would drive Daniel mad, but deep down he was proud of his little sister. Mollie was too. She was over the moon." He showed Greg another photo with Mollie stood with her arm round Keira. "This was just before the show began."

"They really were two peas in a pod!"

"That was Mollie and Keira. If one was doing something, the other had to be involved too. So, Mollie got involved behind the scenes. She had a talent with a camera and took up photography. She did all the photos for the school shows after that, the posters and everything." I paused as another memory washed over me.

I was sat in the school hall, Daniel at my side. He was the one who had persuaded me to come tonight, saying that Keira would never forgive me if I missed her opening night. It was times like this that I missed Felicity. She was better at the parenting thing than me. My parents were also in, keen to see what their granddaughter was doing. Much to my annoyance, they had become more involved since Felicity's death. Sherlock not having kids, my three were their only grandchildren.

I was pleasantly surprised. For a school performance, it was very good. And Keira. My God, she had an amazing voice. I never knew she was so talented. She shone on that stage from beginning to end.

But the part that got me was when Matilda takes a breath and sings Quiet. Keira took her place and I could see her eyes scanning the crowd. Then the cords started and she started to sing:

" Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say, red, for example, there's no way of knowing if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head. When someone says red? And how if we are travelling at almost the speed of light, and we're holding a light, that light would still travel away from us at the full speed of light? Which seems right in a way, but I'm trying to say... I'm not sure... But I'm wondering inside my head, I'm not just a bit different from some of my friends... These answers that come into my mind unbidden...These stories delivered to me fully written... And when everyone shouts - they seem to like shouting - the noise in my head is incredibly loud, and I just wish they'd stop, my dad and my mum, and the telly and stories would stop just for once. I'm sorry - I'm not quite explaining it right, but this noise becomes anger, and the anger is light, and its burning inside me would usually fade, but it isn't today, and the heat and the shouting, and my heart is pounding, and my eyes are burning, and suddenly everything, everything is..."

Keira pauses, and I'm not sure if she is acting because there are tears in her eyes. She looks lost in the music and the emotion of everything and in that moment I find myself wanting to run up on stage. This scares me and I wonder in that moment if I just became a dad for the first time.

" Quiet... Like silence, but not really silent... Just that still sort of quiet. Like the sound of a page being turned in a book, or a pause in a walk in the woods. Quiet... Like silence, but not really silent...Just that nice kind of quiet, like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed. Just the sound of your heart in your head..." She takes a pause and finishes the song, " And though the people around me, their mouths are still moving, the words they are forming cannot reach me anymore." Her eyes manage to find mine and she's crying but determined to finish. "And it is quiet... And I am warm... Like I've sailed…Into the eye of the storm..."

I didn't care that it was the middle of the show, but I found myself on my feet applauding. Then there were people around me joining in and soon the whole auditorium was on it's feet. I went to blow Keira a kiss and found that my face was wet. I had been crying and I hadn't even realised.

"I knew in that moment, she was going to become something very special. She had a talent and I know that she has touched so many lives with it."

"She certainly is unique!" smiled Greg, "I'm lucky to call her my daughter!"

I smiled, "Speaking of, Keira wanted to know who was going to walk her down the aisle?"

"To give her away?"

I shook my head, "She has made it clear that whoever walks her down the aisle, is walking her from her old life to her new one. She is no one's property therefore, no one is giving her away!"

Greg smiled and shook his head, "I forgot she was all for women's rights!"

"Yes, if my daughter had been born a hundred years ago, she would have been chaining herself to the railings of the building that I work in!"

"Well, I think her Dad should walk her from her old life, it only seems right. You guys have been through so much together." He smiled, "I'll meet you at the end!"

I smiled, "I'll let Keira know."

Sleep in our eyes,her and me at the breakfast table. Barely awake, I let precious time go by. Then when she's gone,there's that odd melancholy feeling, and a sense of guilt I can't deny.
What happened to the wonderful adventures, the places I had planned for us to go? Well, some of that we did but most we didn't. And why, I just don't know.

The next thing I know, Keira is walking down the stairs in my Whitehall house, where she decided she wanted to get ready. She looks the vision of pure perfection. She's wearing a simple white dress with some floral lace trimming on the sleeves and bottom. Her train is pure lace and fans out behind her like an elegant pool. Her hair is pulled back in an elegant knot, a tiara holding her veil in place. She's carrying an elegant bouquet, a mix of white roses and blue dendrobiums. She had insisted on blue as it was her favourite colour.

I feel a lump form in my throat, wishing her mother could be here to see this. She meets me at the bottom of the stairs and smiles.

"You know?" she says, looking at me, "I have the perfect song for this moment!"

I smiled, unable to keep a laugh in, "Of course you do!"

She began to sing and I knew it was from Mamma Mia, how could it not be? "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the pictureandsave it from the funny tricks of time. Slipping through my fingers…"

I smile and cup her cheek, holding onto her free hand, "Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning. Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile."

She smiled at me, tears forming in her eyes.

"Ready?" is all I manage to ask.

"As I'll ever be!" she replied, with a smile.

Do I really see what's in her mind? Each time I think I'm close to knowing. She keeps on growing. Slipping through my fingers all the time.