Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 3: The Beaming Gleaming Glowing Glimmering Sparkling Twinkling Glittering Glistening Shimmering Coruscate Shining Beacon, pt 2
Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.
A/N: I don't really have anything to say except to enjoy chapter 3. So...enjoy :)
Ah, chapter 3. I wonder what's gonna happen this ti-
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT!"
Uh, did what?
"Let Cinder give me a, uh...what are those things called?"
A blowjob?
"YES, THAT!"
Okay, what's the big deal?
"The big deal is that I'm supposed to be her feared mentor in the canon. But let's disregard the canon for a moment, and look at this story's canon, BECAUSE THAT'S A BIGGER DEAL! In your twisted version of RWBY, I'm basically Cinder's mother, with a HUGE penis! I'm surprised she didn't choke to death sucking this thing!
No, your her mother figure.
"Same damn difference! Either way, I'm Cinder's MOTHER, and we have an unhealthy incestual relationship. The worse part is that I enjoyed having a blowjob from her!"
You liked it. Isn't that a good thing?
"NO, IT'S NOT! I'm not supposed to succumb to your story, I'm supposed to reject it! But this human male organ clouded my judgement, and made me WANT to do venereal activities with Cinder! It's fucked up for a human to write, and find entertainment in that"
I don't enjoy it, I'm just writing it because of ri-dick-ulous Crackfic reasons.
"STOP USING THAT TIRED ASS PUN AND- ouch!"
What's wrong?
"Headache...a headache is what's wrong"
Do you want me to stop writing this story?
"I do, but I know you won't"
Yer darn tootin'! Let's get er on!
"Ugh"
Chapter 3 of our Abridged Crackfic Parody version of RWBY opens up with Ruby and SpongeBob walking into Beacon's auditorium.
"Ruby! Over here! I saved you a spot!" Yang shouted over to her sister.
"Oh! Hey, I-I gotta go. See you after the ceremony!" Ruby told SpongeBob before running off to Yang.
"Okay, bye!" the sponge shouted to the main character. "Gee, what a nice girl. I wonder if there's anybody else as nice as her in this school" SpongeBob said that last sentence to himself as he walked away to reveal a red headed girl standing behind him, who literally popped up out of nowhere.
"How's your first day going, incestual little sister?" the blonde question after Ruby got next to her.
"You mean since you ditched me after meeting those shadow people? By the way, what happened to your "new" friends" Ruby harshly asked.
"Meh, I left their group. All they do is stand around and murmur to each other, like background characters in a show" Yang answered.
"Oh, well, I met a rich snobby Valley Girl" the black haired girl replied.
"Pfffft, are you being sarcastic? There's no such thing as Valley Girls" the blonde said, trying not to laugh.
"I'm telling you, she's REAL! She always says "like" in her sentences, and she also says "totally" sometimes too. Then her attitude just SCREAMS rich and snobby. I tried apologizing for falling into her luggage bell cart thing, and she wouldn't accept my apology. So I asked her if she was on her period, she said she wouldn't be wearing all white is she was, then I asked if her panties were white too, she called me a pervert, I denied it, but asked her if she has sex with her weapon, she said no, and called me a sick little girl, then she asked me what a sick little girl like myself is doing in a place like Beacon, I said that Ozpin personally invited me, she said she didn't care anymore, and told her man servants to pick up her luggage, they mentioned Salem's dick, who is a voice in my head."
"Wait, a voice in your hea-"
"Then before I could comment on how rich somebody must be in order to have man servants, she walked away!" Ruby finished, interrupting Yang.
"YOU!" Weiss yelled from behind Ruby.
"Oh God, it's happening again!" Ruby shouted, burying her face between Yang's boobs.
"Like, your lucky I totally didn't report you to the police for sexual harassment!" the white haired girl complained.
"Oh my God, you actually met a Valley Girl" Yang commented in disbelief.
"I didn't mean to! I mean, I didn't mean to sexually harass you!" Ruby told Weiss, taking her face out of Yang's breasts.
The Valley Girl held a piece of paper in the protagonist's face.
"What's this?" the raven haired girl inquired.
"A restraining order, or like protective order, it's totally an order used by a court to protect a person or entity, and like the general public in a situation involving totally alleged domestic violence, harassment, stalking, or sexual assault. In Remnant, every kingdom has like, some form of domestic violence restraining order law, and many kingdoms also have totally specific restraining order laws for stalking and sexual assault" Weiss explained to Ruby.
"WHAT!? But I didn't-"
"Like, you really wanna start making things up to me?" the snobby girl asked.
"Absolutely" Ruby replied in uncertainty.
"Then like, read this, and totally don't ever speak to me again" Weiss commanded, handing Ruby the paper
"Look, uh, it sounds like you two just got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you start over and try to be friends, okay?" Yang suggested.
"Yeah! Great idea, Sis" Ruby agreed before heavily kicking Weiss in her vagina.
"LIKE, OUCH!" Weiss screamed in pain, falling on the floor.
"RUBY! Why did you do that!?" Yang loudly questioned.
"Oops, sorry. This exact same thing happen to me and this bowler hat guy last night" the darkly dressed girl apologized. "But that's no excuse, I'm really sorry"
"Like, I totally don't...need your apology...just stay as far away from me...as the restraining order tells you" Weiss groaned on the ground.
"Okay, but are you just gonna lay there?" Ruby asked.
"Until...my vagina like...stops throbbing" the Valley Girl answered.
"In pleasure or pain?" Ruby continued to ask.
"LIKE, IN PAIN YOU DUMBASS...and maybe a little bit of pleasure" Weiss mumbled the last part of her sentence.
"What was that?" Ruby inquired.
"Nothing" Weiss hissed.
After Weiss' hiss, headmaster Ozpin walked up to the microphone on stage.
"Ahem...I'll...keep this brief, because I have a feeling there's going to be an interruption nobody but Ruby and I can hear" Ozpin announced.
"What?" Ruby questioned.
"You have traveled here today in search of knowledge" Ozpin started.
"Hey Oz! Do you know what kind of knowledge I acquired?"
"To hone your craft, and acquire new skills" Oz continued.
"Hone my craft? Ha! I honed my dick and let my so called daughter suck it with her blowjobing skills!"
"Pfft, a-and w-when you have finished, you- you plan to dedicate your life to the protection o-of the people" Oz stuttered, trying to contain his laughter.
"How can someone protect people with a giant hentai dick? Huh? Can you answer that Ozzy Wozzy?"
"Bu- hahahaha! B-but I l-look amongst you, a-a-and all I see is w-wasted energy, in need of purpose, d-direction" Ozpin continued, steadily loosing his cool.
"I directed most of my energy down Cinder's throat"
"Bwahahahaha! What the hell Salem!? Y-y-you assume kn-knowledge will free you of th-this, but your t-time at this school will p-prove that knowledge c-can only carry you s-so far. I-it is up to you to t-take the first step, hahahaha! I-I can't do this, I'm out" Ozpin stated, walking off stage in a fit of laughter.
The 3/4ths of team RWBY looked at each other in confusion. Before any of them could say word to each other, Glynda walked up to the microphone.
"You will gather in the ballroom tonight. Tomorrow, your initiation begins. Be ready, or be prepared to face 50 shades of my wrath" Ms. Goodwitch warned.
"Is that a 50 shades of grey reference, and if so, does that mean we'll get BDSM punishment?" a random shadow person asked from the crowd.
"Yes and yes" Glynda calmly answered.
"Oh shit" the same shadow person replied in fear.
"Oh yeah" another random shadow person said in sexual joy.
"You're all dismissed" Ms. Good witch announced.
"He seemed kind of...off" Yang pointed out.
"That is like, a total understatement" Weiss added, still on the floor.
"Don't worry guys. He was just talking to one of the two voices in my head" Ruby revealed.
"Uh...what?" Yang inquired,
"Like yeah, what voices in your head, and how could Ozpin hear them?" Weiss added again.
"I dunno, but I have a feeling I won't be answering that question due to a scene change" Ruby truthfully told both soon to be team RWBY members.
"A scene change? The hell are you talking about little sis-"
Beacon Academy Ballroom...at Night
Everyone was currently in the Ballroom getting ready to sleep in their, uh, well, sleeping bags. While also wearing their pajamas, with shadow people having turned into gray shadows for some reason, even though they were black in the beginning of Episode 1 during the nighttime scene.
"It's like a biiiiiiiig slumber party!" Yang excitedly told Ruby before flopping down next to her.
"Yeah, except we can't get down and dirty with all of these people around" Ruby pointed out.
"Damn it Ruby. You had to point out the one negative factor in all of this" Yang complained.
"I'm not the one who wanted to have sex with their sister, so I don't really mind...even though I kinda want to" Ms. Rose responded.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" a nearby grey shadow person yelled in disgust.
"Oh, I didn't say anything" Ruby hurriedly told the shadow, trying to cover up her mistake.
"If only there was someway to get rid of all of these people. Or at the very least go somewhere else for awhile without anybody noticing we're gone" the blonde thought aloud, looking around the room.
As Yang scoped the Ballroom, she saw SpongeBob in his pajamas walking across the huge space. He noticed her staring at him, and waved back saying "Hi"
"Uh, hi" Ms. Xiao Long greeted back before SpongeBob went back to walking.
"What. The hell. Was that?" Yang asked Ruby in bewilderment.
"That was SpongeBob Squarepants, a "non-pedophile", and before you ask, no, he is not a Faunus. Just some sort of square sea sponge" Ruby answered in detail.
"Sooooooo, are you guys friends or something?" the older sister pressed.
"I guess so"
"Good! That's plus one friend! It's a hundred percent increase from having zero" Yang happily told Ruby with a smile.
"Pretty sure Weiss counts as a negative friend. Back to zero" Ruby glumly replied.
"There's no such thing as negative friends. You just made one friend and one enemy"
"Meh" the scythe owning girl grunted.
"Look, it's only been one day. Trust me; you've got friends all around you. You just haven't met them yet" Yang encouraged.
The two sisters notice a candle being lit near a wall, and saw a not Faunus reading a book.
"That girl..." Ruby trailed off.
"You know her?" Yang asked.
"Not really. She saw me laying on the ground this morning, but left after I said not to worry about me" Ruby explained.
"Well, now's your chance!" the blonde stated before standing up and lifting Ruby up by the sides of her hips.
"What are you doing!?" Ms. Rose shouted at her sister.
"Giving you a grand entrance. Now, go get her!" Yang yelled, throwing her sister at Blake.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH! WATCH OUT BOW HEADED GIRL!" Ruby screamed from midair.
"Huh? Meow meow" Blake questioned, putting her book down to see Ruby flying straight towards her. "WHAT THE!? MEOW MEOW!"
*THUD!*
"Ooooowwwwwwwwww" both girls moaned in pain, with Ruby's groan being muffled due her face being up Blake's skirt and on her groin.
Yang ran over to the black haired girls "Whoops, that was a bad idea"
"Ya think?" Ruby ridiculed, still between Blake's thighs.
"Can you get off my pussy cat? Meow meow" Blake calmly asked.
"If I don't, will you get mad?" Ruby asked back, with her voice still muffled.
"...No. Meow meow" the cat girl decided.
"Uh, okay. So are you guys friends now, or..." Yang trailed off, slightly confused.
"Anyone who flies through the air, and accidentally dives head first into my pussy cat is a friend of mine. Meow meow" Blake answered.
"Yay!" Ruby attempted to shout in happiness, but couldn't due her face still being in Blake's thighs.
"Riiiiiiiiight. Heh heh" Yang replied, weirded out by the current situation in front of her...and slightly jealous. "So, uh, what was the book you were reading before I threw my sister at you?"
"Well...it's about a man with two souls, each fighting for control over his body. Meow meow" Blake explained.
Glynda Goodwitch's Bedroom on Campus (I'm not sure if she has a bedroom in Beacon Academy, so roll with it...even though you've rolled with the story so far)
"Achoo!" Ozpin sneezed. "Ugh, damn foreshadowing"
"What are you talking about Ozpin?" Glynda questioned.
Oz was currently blindfolded in his underwear, and tied up in Ms. Goodwitch's bed, with each limb tied to a different corner of the wooden bed frame. While Glynda stood next to the bed on Ozpin's left side, wearing a dominatrix outfit.
"4th wall breaking. You'll never understand" Oz replied, facing the ceiling. "Either way, can we get this over with? My wrists are started to hurt"
"Whatever you say~" Glynda darkly sang, turning on a radio on her nightstand.
"Got me lookin' so crazy right now, your love's got lookin' so crazy right now. Got me lookin' so crazy right now, your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now" the radio sang the "50 Shades of Grey" version of Beyoce's "Crazy in Love".
Sweat formed on Ozpin's face "Help me real world Jesus"
Back to Ruby, Yang, and Blake
"...Why do I feel like something kinky just happened?" Yang inquired.
"Maybe because your totally perverted sister is like, eating out that poor girl!" Weiss shrieked as she stomped up to the three girls.
Ruby quickly took her head away from Blake's groin, and stood up to face Weiss.
"Aw man. Meow meow" Blake said to herself, disappointed that Ruby moved her head.
"No! It's not what it looks like!" Ruby tried to defend.
"Like, it isn't? Then why was your head totally buried in that girls vagina!?" the Valley Girl accused.
"First of, my head wasn't buried in her vagina since she's wearing panties. Second, I'm not a pervert...at least not to other people" Ruby listed.
"I totally don't care anymore" Weiss dismissed. "By the way, are you like, okay bow headed girl?"
"My name is Blake, I'm fine, and...you make my pussy cat purr. Meow meow" Blake admitted with a slight blush.
"LIKE, WHAT!?" Weiss screamed.
"Nothing. Meow meow" the not furry quickly said, blowing out her candle, thus making the whole room go dark.
"HOLY SHIT! HOW DID THAT ONE CANDLE MAKE THE WHOLE ROOM PITCH BLACK!?" Yang shouted trying to find her way around.
"YANG!? WHERE ARE YOU!?" Ruby shouted as well, fumbling in the dark. While doing so, she grabbed what she thought to be her sister's breasts. "Yang? When did your boobs get so small?"
"LIKE, THOSE ARE TOTALLY MY BOOBS YOU PERVERTED LITTLE GIRL!" Weiss vehemently screamed at Ruby.
"Oh, sorry" Ruby apologized, letting go of Weiss' breasts.
The rich girl felt another pair of hands grab her boobs "LIKE, I SAID LET GO YOU PERVERT!"
"I-I did" the protagonist stuttered.
"Sorry, I wanted to see what your tits felt like. Meow meow" Blake revealed.
"WHAT!? LIKE, LET GO OF ME TOO YOU-"
"HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!" a shadow student yelled over to the soon to be team RWBY.
Done!
"Meh"
What? No underhanded comment towards me? The Fanfiction writer who's ruining RWBY?
"I've gotten use to your craziness, so I'm not as "emotional" as I was before"
Okay, I personally don't care how you feel about my story anyway.
"Tell me something I don't know"
Cinder's coming back to your castle for another round with you.
"YOU SON OF A-"
The End...of Chapter 3.
A/N: That's it for Chapter 3. I might be delayed in posting chapter 4 since I need to update two other stories. Also, I plan to randomly kill off two side characters, and replace them. One replacement will be from a magical anime (Not RWBY), and the other will be from a live-action comedy movie. Anyway, favorite, follow, and/or leave a review/comment, it lets me know if your enjoying the story. Until next time!