"Wow, you – uh – you weren't kidding about not knowing how to flirt." Persephone flatly pointed out.
"Aw, jeez… what was it? Do you not like coffee?" Hades nervously asked.
"You… you're really not sure on that one?" a baffled Persephone inquired.
Meanwhile, on Olympus…
"How are you so okay with this?!" an enraged Demeter questioned.
"Why would I be?" Zeus snapped back, "Hades gets lonely! It's so dark and gloomy down there. A girlfriend would do him good!"
"She's literally our daughter!" Demeter screamed.
"And Hades is a stand-up guy! He'll make a great son-in-law."
"No. No no no." Demeter repeated to herself as she called the elevator, "I'm sorting this out, and until it is sorted out everything is going to start dying."
"Wait, no!" Hera shouted, walking towards Demeter while using her arm to support her swollen belly, "I'm literally going into labor!"
"Oh shit, you're pregnant?" Zeus butted in.
"Relax, dumbass, it's not yours." Hera clarified.
"Ugh, fine. Your baby will remain unharmed." Demeter replied.
"Oh, thank you!" Hera joyfully exclaimed.
One short and painful birth later…
"I think I'll name him Hephaestus…" a tired Hera said, holding a swaddled and covered child. She pulled back the blanket to see his face, but much to her surprise, was horrified. The child had a crooked nose, extended jaw, drooping eye and cleft palate. All of the gods were inhumanly beautiful, but this one had somehow been born a monstrosity.
"Ew, gross." Hera said. She stood up, and with Hephaestus in one hand, extended her arm backwards.
"YEET!" Hera cried as she hurled the baby off of Mount Olympus.
"Oh well," Hera relented, "There's always next time.
Meanwhile, back in Hades…
"And that's why you don't kidnap people you're romantically interested in. Or anyone, really. Just don't kidnap people." Persephone explained.
"Oh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up." a grateful Hades replied.
"You know, I'm not sure why you insisted this place was so 'dark' and 'gloomy,' I'm really digging the aesthetic here." Persephone observed.
"You – you really like it?" a pleasantly surprised Hades asked.
"Of course!" Persephone continued, "I mean you've got these veins of silver and bunches of gemstones everywhere! It really compliments the black stone and accentuates the beauty of these precious metals."
"Well, thanks!" Hades gleefully exclaimed, "I always liked it too but everyone else seemed…" Hades stopped, as he was interrupted by the familiar "ding" of an elevator that had just arrived.
"Oh Neptune…" a nervous Hades whispered.
After the doors opened, a surprisingly calm looking Demeter loomed over the pair. Her twitching upper lip, however, gave away just how absolutely livid the goddess was. She stomped towards Hades, her gaze burning into his soul. Once she was inches in front of him, Demeter gripped the collar of his tunic with surprising strength and hoisted Hades one foot into the air.
"Give. Her. Back." Demeter growled behind her clenched teeth.
"Well, the – the thing is – I, uh… um…" Hades stuttered as he shook with absolute terror.
"Mom!" Persephone said in a resolute tone, "It's okay. He wasn't trying to kidnap me, he's just an idiot."
"Well, I wouldn't say 'idiot' so much as socially…" Hades stopped speaking as Demeter dropped him onto the cold stone floor.
"Excuse me?" Demeter inquired, having cooled slightly but still very much infuriated.
"Mom, I – I really like him. And, I…" Persephone paused the wipe the sweat from her brow, "I want to give this a shot."
"Oh, no. No, no no, no no NO!" Demeter rushed towards Persephone and grabbed her by the wrist, "I am not letting you stay with this creep!"
"Okay, you need to cut this shit out!" Hades said, rising from the floor, "Demeter, I am not just God of the Dead. Justice falls within my influence and I am going to figure this shit out."
"No, you aren't. Come on, Persephone." Demeter insisted, tugging at her daughter's arm.
"You don't get it," Hades continued, "This conflict literally cannot be solved unless I solve it. I am a god, Demeter. Not just some 'creep.' So let her go and talk to me, dammit!"
Both Demeter and Persephone's eyes were wide with shock, though in somewhat different ways. Demeter seemed taken aback, whereas Persephone looked more impressed. Regardless, Demeter released her daughter and moved to Hades, prepared to negotiate.
"Your daughter and I have…" Hades paused and nervously glanced at the floor, "Feelings for each other." He looked back up, his eyes meeting Demeter's, "It is my understanding that she'd like to stay here, with me, to begin our relationship. And so she will join me here, in the Underworld. How do you feel about these terms?"
"No." Demeter bluntly replied.
"P – Pardon?" Hades asked, confused.
"No, I won't allow it."
"Demeter…" Hades began, rubbing his forehead in frustration, "We can't leave here unless we come to some…"
"NO!" Demeter shouted, "My daughter is a goddess of life and growth. But you? A God of Death…"
"Technically that's Thanatos. Actually, maybe he'd qualify as a psychopomp…" Hades interrupted.
"I will not accept this!" an enraged Demeter growled.
Hades held out his hand, gesturing to the ground, and soon a tree began to sprout from the floor. It grew taller and taller, soon sprouting branches. Upon those branches grew leaves and round red fruit. A single fruit fell from the tree, directly into Hades' open hand. Once he had the fruit, the tree's growth regressed until it shrank back into the ground, completely disappearing.
"This is the fruit of the dead." Hades stated.
"That's a pomegranate." Demeter bluntly replied.
"It's the fruit of the dead." a slightly annoyed Hades answered.
"Honey," Persephone interrupted, "My mom and I are both goddesses of life and nature. We know what a pomegranate is."
"IT'S THE FRUIT OF THE DEAD!" Hades shouted. He took a moment to regain his composure and split the fruit open, revealing a bounty of bright red seeds.
"These seeds, when consumed, bind one to Hades. For each seed consumed, one will have no choice but to spend one month of every year in the Underworld."
Without prompt, a determined Persephone waltzed over to Hades and stole a half of the fruit. She plucked a seed from its flesh and popped it into her mouth.
"Persephone!" a shocked Demeter cried.
"Damn, you're really going all in, huh?" a pleasantly surprised Hades asked, "Demeter, until we reach some sort of agreement, Persephone will continue to consume the seeds. If you continue to act this stubborn, she will forever be a goddess of the underworld."
"Wait, what if you eat 13?" Demeter asked.
"I – I just assume there's no real effect after you eat 12." Hades answered, "I don't know. I've never really had to use these before."
"Stop stalling!" Persephone shouted, consuming a second seed.
"No!" Demeter cried, "Persephone, please, think about what you're doing!"
Persephone said nothing, but instead grabbed four seeds from the fruit and dangled them menacingly over her mouth.
"You wouldn't." Demeter insisted.
Again, wordlessly, Persephone dropped the seeds into her mouth. She chewed for a moment and then swallowed. Suddenly, the white dress adorning Persephone shifted to an obsidian black. Her skin went from bronze to a deathly grey. Her eyes – once hazel – changed to a bright and shiny blue. Her hair grew lighter and lighter in color, eventually turning a shining silver. She observed her new form for a moment, and then flashed her mother a dubious grin.
"Fine!" Demeter cried, "Fine. I'll negotiate."
"Very well," Hades replied, "What are your terms?"
"Persephone will stay with you for six months every year." Demeter regretfully answered, "But for the other half of the year, she will be free to go where she wishes."
"That… seems more than fair…" Hades answered, somewhat confused by these generous terms.
"But!" Demeter added.
"Oh for fuck's sake." Hades grumbled.
"Whenever my daughter is not with me, I will continue my temper tantrum resulting in everything dying."
"That seems horribly un…" Hades was interrupted by Persephone's lips greeting his in a long, passionate kiss. Demeter looked on in horror. When she was finished, Persephone lifted her head from Hades', giving him a loving glance. Hades slumped back in his chair, a completely dumbfounded look covering his face.
"Hades," she sweetly began, "I know my mother. These are the best terms we'll get. I'll stay with you for half the year…" she paused, and clasped his hands within hers and rubbed them gently, "And the other half I'll be with her, thinking of you every moment."
"Yes, dear." Hades replied, still in shock from their moment of passion.
"Mother," Persephone beckoned, turning to Demeter, "Do you accept these terms?"
Demeter, her face twisted in revulsion and disgust, took a moment to respond.
"Fine."
Demeter silently turned from the duo and made her way to the elevator. The doors opened and she went inside. She turned around and, as the doors closed, glared at Hades and Persephone.
"I hope you're happy."