"Ugh!" an infuriated Demeter shouted, stepping out from the elevator.
"And what's the cause of such frustration?" Zeus questioned.
"Persephone." Demeter grunted, "My dear, darling daughter wants to stay with your horrid brother!"
"Ahaha, he did it!" Zeus shouted as he raised his cup and turned towards the other gods.
"Everyone, a toast! My beloved brother and God of the Underworld, Hades, has finally caught himself a bride!"
An uproarious cheer came from the crowd as the raised their drinks in a toast and took deep sips from their cups.
"Wait, what?" Thanatos asked in complete disbelief, "Hades has gotten married?"
"And we all know what that means, don't we, lads?" Zeus rhetorically asked.
"Party!" the crowd responded in unison.
"Everyone, to Hades!" Zeus commanded. The crowd rushed and crowded into the elevator – Thanatos chief among them. The only god to remain on Olympus was Demeter. She sat on the floor, dejected, with her back slouched against a Corinthian column.
"Why… why did she have to run away?" the goddess wondered, tears welling up in her eyes, "I only want my baby girl back… Persephone, I only want you back…" Demeter clasped her face in her palms, weeping over her dear lost daughter.
"Fucking party pooper." Zeus sighed.
Once everyone was packed in the elevator, Zeus sent it down into the pits of earth. The doors soon opened, and the crowd rushed outside into the underworld. They were surrounded by obsidian stone riddled with veins of precious metals and gemstones.
"Where are they? Where are they?!" a properly sauced Zeus wondered. Exploring the lobby of Hades, Zeus found an unopened door. With all of his might, he kicked the door down. Inside, he found a nude Hades lying on a bed, with an equally unclothed Persephone on top of him.
"Haha, brother!" Zeus guffawed.
"Gah!" Hades shouted as he and Persephone grabbed the closest pieces of clothing, "What in the fucking shit are you doing here?"
"Hades!" Thanatos gleefully chimed, peeping in through the doorway, "Oh, I, um… is this a bad time?"
"Of fucking course it is!" Hades screeched, "Are you familiar with what a 'Honeymoon' is?"
"But brother, you are wed!" Zeus drunkenly declared, "It'd be criminal not to celebrate!"
"Believe me, we were celebrating." Persephone pointed out, "Unfortunately, a certain – and incredulously rude – someone chose to interrupt."
"Ugh, I know. Demeter can be a total bitch." Zeus replied.
"Dad, don't talk about mom like that!" an enraged Persephone answered.
"Pff… whatever." Zeus said, stumbling over to Hades, "Brother, I have a question."
Hades slipped on a tunic and answered, "What is it?"
"My son Persues, like, really needs you're invisibility cloak." Zeus explained.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hades inquired
"That fucking… thing… it makes you invisible or something." Zeus clarified.
"The Helm of Darkness?" Hades asked.
"Oh okay, edgelord…" Zeus said, "Anyway, Perseus needs it for some reason."
"Ugh, fine." Hades answered, "But on two conditions."
"Okay." Zeus responded, struggling to stand.
"First, please, all of you, leave. I need some… time with my wife." Hades said, turning and flashing a loving smile at Persephone, "And second, Perseus must never take part in some twisted scheme to kidnap Persephone."
"Uh…" Persephone exhaled.
Zeus squinted at Hades, seeming incredibly confused.
"That's oddly specific," Zeus answered, "But fair, I guess."
"Good," Hades replied, "Helm's in the kitchen. Cabinet under the sink."
Without word, Zeus left the room and found the kitchen. He opened the aforementioned cabinet and found a helmet. After observing the item and seeing it was truly the Helm of Darkness, he rallied his compatriots.
"Alright, boys, change of plans!" he sloppily decreed, "We're heading back to Olympus!"
"But we just got here!" Dionysus cried.
"Yeah, but…" Zeus took a moment to think, "Fuck you, I'm Zeus!"
For some reason this resulted in the crowded crying their support, and they soon filled the elevator and lifted to Olympus.
Back in the bedroom, Persephone approached Hades from behind and gently placed her hands on his shoulders. She pulled him against herself and embraced him warmly.
"Well, that was quite charismatic of you." she whispered in a seductive tone.
"Well," Hades replied, turning around to softly kiss his bride, "You should know."
Persephone gripped Hades' arms and shoved him onto their bed. She leapt on top of him and pinned him down by the shoulders."
"Well color me both scared and aroused." Hades said, raising his eyebrows seductively.
"Dear," Persephone began, "Be prepared. I'm a goddess of life and sex is, well, kind of our thing."
Approximately 12.5 minutes later…
"Oh, oh dear lord…" Hades wheezed, "I – I can't feel my legs…"
"That should go away in about… oh, I don't know, two hours?" Persephone replied, taking a deep inhale from her cigarette.
"Two hours?" Hades cried, "Honey, I have a job to do! People are dying every second! I can't just…"
Hades was silenced by a passionate kiss from Persephone. Afterwards, he simply stared at the ceiling, completely speechless.
"I'll speak with Thanatos about picking up on your slack. For now, rest. I'll be back in a half hour for the next round."
The sultry goddess strutted out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Hades simply lay on his bed, helpless and dumbfounded.
"Oh gods," he gasped, "I think I might die tonight."
Some time passed before Persephone slammed the door open. She approached the bed and dropped her robes on the floor, flashing a dubious grin. Hades quietly examined her. He was frightened at first, but her beauty filled his heart with nothing but love. He had never met anyone like her. She was somebody who truly enjoyed his company. Somebody who loved who he was, and wanted every part of him. No amount of temporary paralysis was worth losing a woman like her. Persephone was everything he wanted.
"There are worse ways to die…" Hades thought as round two commenced.