"Wake me up (Wake me up inside)! I can't wake up (Wake me up inside)! SAVE ME!"
"Ugh…" a drowsy Hades groaned, shutting off his alarm clock. He turned to his wife, still entranced in a deep slumber, and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. He emerged from the covers of his bed and slowly dragged himself to the kitchen pantry."
"Ugh…" he grunted, sifting through the shelved, "Columbia Select, no… French Roast, no… Aha!" Hades selected a single K-Cup, observing its top, "Pumpkin Spice!"
Hades snagged a mug a slowly made his way to the Keurig. He placed the K-Cup inside and mug underneath. After pressing the "brew" button, he patiently waited for the coffee to be made.
"How can I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me…" Hades hummed, tapping a finger on the kitchen counter, "Breath into me and make me real…"
"Boof!" a loud voice boomed from someplace not-to-distant. Hades, of course, noticed the sound but was far too tired to properly react. Once his mug was full Hades took the first sip of his coffee, and only in his newly alerted state did he notice the sound of approaching footsteps. Thundering tracks that seemed to boom louder with every step. Hades turned to the kitchen entrance to see what the source of such noise was, but before he could react a large, gray beast tackled him. Its gigantic paused pinned him to the ground as a long, wet tongue dragged itself across Hades' face. Two more tongue's slobbered over Hades' hair and ears, and immediately he knew who the assailant was.
"Pft! Bleh!" Hades spit and gagged, trying to shield his head, "Haha, my you've gotten big!"
"Awooo!" the center head howled.
"Shh, shh!" Hades insisted before the other two heads could join in. All three heads looked down at Hades, their tilted in confusion.
"It's too early, Persephone is still sleeping!" Hades sternly whispered. The dog turned around and quietly trotted into the bedroom, returning to the kitchen shortly thereafter.
"Ruff." The dog quietly barked, seemingly acknowledging Hades' request. As the dog's head bobbed from the noise, Hades' noticed a small jingle come from the center head's neck. He squinted at the head and saw a small metal medallion hanging from it.
"Huh? What's that, boy?" He whispered, pointing to the medallion. The dog bowed down so that Hades' could observe it, and he noticed that it was a small silver pendant with a single word inscribed on it.
"Cerberus?" Hades pondered, "Is that your name boy?"
The dog's mouths widened as his tail wagged furiously.
"Well that's just fucking adorable." Hades smirked, "Well, Cerberus, I think it's about time for breakfast. Whad'ya say, boy?"
A tongue drooped from each of the three heads as Cerberus' tail wagging grew even more frantic.
"Alright, boy, take it easy." Hades chuckled, "I'll see what we've got in the larder."
Hades went down a flight of stairs in the kitchen into a cold, dry cellar. He searched the shelves for something appropriate to give Cerberus.
"Let's see…" Hades deliberated, "I've got lamb, squid, lamb, several products derived from goat's milk… aha!" Hades bellowed, lifting a hefty leg of mutton, "Lamb, perfect!"
Hades made his way back into the kitchen, struggling to carry the large cut of meat. As soon as he entered, Hades could notice six wide eyes and three slobbering mouths fixated on him.
"Well Cerberus," Hades grunted, tossing the leg before them, "Eat up!"
Without hesitation each of Cerberus' heads began to gnash and tear at the lamb, furiously devouring every bit. In but a moment's time the three heads were fighting over a single femur, completely stripped of all meat.
"Well," Hades thought aloud, "That was horrifying."
Without notice the three heads completely ceased their fighting and perked their ears up in interest. Each head turned and looked towards the others, seemingly wanting to confirm they had all heard the same thing. Without delay, Cerberus got on all fours and trotted out of the kitchen – being sure to not be loud enough to awaken Persephone.
"Where in the… wait!" Hades beckoned, chasing after Cerberus.
In the dark distance of the cavern, Hades began to hear an agitated growl that grew louder with every step he took.
"Cerberus…" Hades commanded, "Down, boy."
She growl continued to grow louder and angrier, but then suddenly there was silence. Hades hastily stepped closer, hoping to see what had angered Cerberus to such an extent. The silence was broken, however, but a loud crack that Hades recognized and the snapping of a large beast's jaws.
"No no no no no!" Hades frantically repeated himself as he dashed towards the scene. He soon saw Cerberus, facing away from Hades, his tail lazily swooping back and forth.
"Cerberus…" Hades growled from behind a clenched jaw.
The hound turned to Hades. Thankfully – albeit ironically – the dog had not killed anything. Instead, it held a small boy by his robes from center head's jaw.
"Drop it, Cerberus!" Hades commanded.
The dog lowered its neck and placed the boy on the ground. He then looked up at hades with wide eyes and let out a sad whimper as he tucked his tail between his legs.
"D'aw, come here, boy." Hades relented.
Cerberus slowly walked around the boy and came to Hades, its head still hanging in shame. Hades hugged the muzzle of the center head and began to playfully pet him.
"Try to be a little less rambunctious next time, okay?" Hades requested.
"Boof!" Cerberus enthusiastically replied.
"Hey, hey…" Hades added, "And try to stay quiet if somebody is asleep!"
"Boof!" Cerberus answered, before quietly trotting back to the kitchen.
"Now then," Hades replied, making his way to the boy, "Who are you, and what… OH LORD WHAT THE FUCK!"
The boy was hideous. His left eye was halfway shut and just a tad lower than the right, his forehead protruded out much farther than an ordinary person's, his nose was bulbous and pock-marked, and the scar reach from his mouth to his nose indicated he once had a hair-lip.
"Oh, gee, nice to meet you too." the boy sarcastically replied.
"I'm…" Hades blushed and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, "I'm sorry, kid." he extended a hand to help the boy up, "Here, let me give you a hand."
"Rather you gave me a foot." the boy jested, lifting his robes to his knees. Hades saw that his legs were horribly injured. One was bow-legged and bent and the other was crushed to the point of being little more than a stump.
"You have an awfully keen sense of humor." Hades pointed out.
"Eh, it's a defense mechanism."
"I can respect that." Hades concurred, "But I have to know, why are you here? Wait… how did you even get here?"
"Braces…" the boy said, pointing his thumb behind him, "They fell of when that dog grabbed me."
"I'm on it." Hades said, trotting a few meters forward. He found two pieces of shaped metal on the ground. They consisted of several rods, joints, and flat cylinders to wrap around the boy's legs. One had a metal filling at the lower half, most likely meant to compensate for the boy's shriveled stump leg. Hades gripped them under his arms and moved back to the boy.
The boy gracefully accepted the braces and strapped them onto his legs. His shriveled leg fit into the metal mold, and the boy flexed and moved it just like a normal, functioning leg. The boy then grunted in pain as he clasped on the second brace, which twisted and broke his bow-leg into a more straight and normal shape. He vigorously hopped to his feet, when suddenly a slew of gemstones fell from his pockets.
"Ah…" Hades smugly remarked, "So that's why Cerberus was so mad at you… and here you had me yelling at him!"
"He could've killed me!"
"He's a good boy!" Hades cried, "And why are you stealing my shit?"
"Look," the boy answered, trying to keep calm, "My name is Hephaestus, son of Hera."
Hades took a step back, and then froze. "You're… you're the child she was going to have… right after I left with Persephone…"
"Yes, right after you raped Persephone."
"Excuse me?" a mildly infuriated Hades growled, "We are happily – and quite consensually – married!"
"Eh, not what they're saying up there." Hephaestus replied, pointing to the ceiling.
"THAT ISN'T FUCKING CANON!" Hades screamed towards the sky. He then attempted to cool down, remembering that such sound could awaken his bride, "Ugh, whatever. But, weren't you born like… a week ago?"
"I'm a god. We don't exactly age the same way." Hephaestus condescendingly explained, "Don't you remember that?"
"Well," Hades began, "My father ate me, and my entire childhood was spent in his stomach. So, no, I don't remember my early years too fucking well. So, now that we've got that out of the way, care to explain why the fuck you were stealing my shit?"
Hephaestus sighed, and then pointed down at his legs, "You see these braces? I made them. They're so flawlessly crafted that they serve perfect replacements for actual legs. I'm the god of metalsmiths and craftsmen, master of molding metals."
"Honey?" a voice echoed from back in the cavern, "Is everything alright?"
"Fuck!" Hades whispered, "See this shit? God dammit… all I wanted to do today was get some work done and let Persephone get some sleep. Somehow, you've made me fail at both!"
"Ugh…" Hephaestus sighed. He raised his hands, and suddenly a large, singled sapphire rose from the gemstones on the ground. Six amethysts soon followed, and the seven gems formed a perfect heptagon, floating in the air. Seemingly at Hephaestus' command, several ores of silver and platinum leaked out of the walls and wove between the gemstones. The precious metals wrapped around them into beautifully intricate and woven shapes. The gems were slowly chipped and formed, creating a shining sapphire and six amethysts in the striking shape of purple lilies. The result was a perfectly elaborate white crown. Despite the darkness of Hades, the gemstones still radiated a perfect light. The crown slowly lowered into Hephaestus' hands, and he proceeded to shove it into Hades' hands.
"Take the fucking thing," Hephaestus insisted, "Are we square now?"
"What the fuck…" Hades stopped as a hand placed itself lightly upon his shoulder.
"Hades…" Persephone's still sleepy voice beckoned, "I heard some yelling and… barking… what's going on?"
"Uh, well…" Hades turned around, forgetting he was still caressing Hephaestus' diadem between his hands. Persephone's eyes widened in awe at first, but soon a look of confusion covered her face.
"Hades, what is that?"
"Uh, well, it's kind of a long story…"
"Forgive me, my lady," Hephaestus interrupted, revealing himself to Persephone, "My name is Hephaestus. I was born to Hera shortly after your – ahem – courtship with Hades."
"Oh dear…" Persephone gasped, seeing the god's metal braces, "What happened to you?"
"Nothing you need concern yourself with." Hephaestus explained, "These prosthetics are of my own design, and I can assure you they are more than acceptable replacements for my damaged limbs. To get back to the point, your dear husband had commissioned me to craft a gift for you. A crown truly worthy of the Queen of the Underworld. I only hope its craftsmanship is worthy of your status.
Persephone wordlessly stole the crown from Hades and laid it upon her shining silver locks. Her fingers caressed the complex metalwork and flawlessly carved gems. She let out a pleasant sigh and then embraced Hades, their lips meeting in a passionate kiss.
"You're so sweet," Persephone whispered, "It really betrays your reputation. As for you…" Persephone released Hades and approached Hephaestus, "It's truly magnificent. Be sure to continue your work."
With that, Persephone waltzed back to the bedchamber as a stunned Hades and devilishly satisfied Hephaestus watched.
"She is way too good for you." Hephaestus pointed out.
"Watch it, you cheeky fucker."