CW: Alcohol Abuse, Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Past Abuse
Shawn was laying in a hotel in California. He had been working for "Hit the Road" for two months now. He had drifted around Boston for six months working odd jobs before he found this one. He had sent in a portfolio to just about every magazine and newspaper, but they always said the same thing; no degree no job. But two months ago he had a call back that told him had been hired to be a travel writer. It was perfect because now he was being paid to run away from his problems.
He was angry at himself because he had never stopped cutting. He hated himself every time the blade touched his skin.
Shawn sat up and he jumped when he saw Chet standing there. The man looked angry,
"Now you kid why are you acting like that? It makes no sense jumping at shadows pull yourself together" Shawn sat and started to shake his head this had happened before, why, why was it happening again. He looked at the floor for a while then looked up and Chet was gone. He paced around his room, memories of Chet flowed into his mind. Pictures attacked his eyes. Chet's angry voice ran through his brain. He fell onto the floor, Whenever he thought about home too much not only did his head fill with Chet and all that bad emotion he felt his whole body clam up his muscles tightened. remember his nose filled with the stench of alcohol.
He knew if he drank he wouldn't be feeling this. It had always worked for his father he always seemed to not remember whatever was bothering him.
He was shaking as he walked to a liquor store. He knew this was a bad idea. Shawn and Cory had gotten drunk once which sent Shawn into a week-long bender. He had lashed out at Angela and then Jack reminded Shawn about their dad's behaviour and he stopped. But he had drunk a few times throughout college. But now he decided to get properly sloshed. He was taking the bus tomorrow and not shooting so he didn't need to be totally coherent that day. He bought two bottles of whisky. The guy gave him a sad look. Buying non-party liquor alone in the middle of the night probably didn't look good. He carried the bottles back to the apartment and drank until he was out of it. He leaned back on the bed and fell asleep. He woke up with a banging headache. His body felt like lead and everything was too bright. He sighed and got his stuff which was always packed. He left the building and walked to the bus station he bought a ticket back to Boston. He had a meeting with the editor the next day. He got there and fell into the mattress at an apartment. It was completely furnished and wasn't dirty and awful smelling like most places he stayed. He pulled the remaining liquor out and drowned his sorrows for the second night in a row.
Shawn realised he was now not only covered in scars on the outside but he figured he was about to scar up his insides.
It was two days before Christmas. He got into his car. He anxious because he hadn't had a drink recently. He had been working hard and he knew he wasn't quite at the functioning alcoholic stage yet. Riley was one year old. He had only seen pictures cory had emailed him. Cory or Topanga called about once a month. They asked how he was doing and shared that cory was almost done with his teaching license, that Topanga had finished her correspondence course at Penbroke and was starting law school and NYU. Shawn was so proud of them. Shawn was able to fake having his life together. He had a job so he had done the main thing adults did. But he was still a mess. He was a drunk and had still self-harmed at the age of 22 which was so embarrassing. He pulled up to a hotel in new york. He pulled his bag into the room and flopped on the bed. He had slept in so many hotels. He called his car and the bus his home more than anyplace in the world. He didn't always use the car because he couldn't be drunk in his car and the company would rather pay for a bus ticket than gas miles. He fell asleep and dreamt.
Cory and Shawn were sitting in the living room of cory's apartment. They were watching two little girls walk shakily around a room. Cory's arm was around him and the radio was playing Christmas carols. He could smell cookies. Shawn leaned over and kissed cory's lips.
"I love you, Cory. You're the one for me you always have been." Shawn said into Cory's ear.
"You know Shawn I love you too. You're my soul mate." Cory responded.
They kissed again and the kid ran up to Shawn's leg and started babbling about Christmas smells.
Shawn woke up. He looked around him and saw the dingy walls. He sighed. He wanted that so bad. But it would never happen.
Shawn got dressed the next day. He went down to a bar and ordered vodka straight up. He drank a few of the small glass cups. He then walked to the subway. He felt a little dizzy and out of it. He had just drunk alcohol on an empty stomach. He ended up at Cory's apartment building thankfully.
"Shit breath," Shawn muttered to himself. He then sucked on mints for a few minutes. Then he chewed some gum. He rang the buzzer. He was buzzed in and he sucked in a deep breath and made his way up. He hated himself for being nervous to see cory. Even after he realised he thought Cory was hot, he had never felt awkward until they were in college. He realised dreams of kissing someone was not a sign of someone being your best friend. He realised that he wanted cory more than he wanted Angela, and that had scared him. But it was all fine, up until the wedding.
The door opened and Cory stood there the big smile on his face.
"Shawn!" He said excitedly
"Cory!" He said. He realised that he actually felt happy, really happy and he smiled for real.
He came in little Riley sitting on the couch next to her uncle Joshua. He was four years old and looked happy as he flipped the channels of the tv. Allan Matthews sat next to both of them to prevent tipping onto the floor.
Mrs Mathews hovered over Topanga in the kitchen. Cory and Shawn sat in the window. The house smelled of food that was overwhelming but good. The tree was decorated all perfectly. Presents sat under the tree. It was all so domestic. He wasn't a domestic person. He was a Thanksgiving in a motel room eating pizza kind of guy.
"Shawn how have you been," Cory asked.
"Okay, seen a lot of cool places," Shaw said in what hoped was a convincing way.
"That's great! How are you dealing with being alone?" Cory asked earnestly
"Okay, I've been alone before and it worked out," Shawn explained.
"Your right. I was worried for nothing. I'm just so glad to see you. I do miss you." Cory said
During a break from cooking Topanga grabbed his hand.
"Hello, Mr cory!" She said brightly.
"Hello, Mrs cory!" He said still feeling okay.
"Wait," Topanga said and stalked forward and sniffed his shirt.
"Have you been drinking." She asked sternly.
"Just today. Jeesh I was really nervous about seeing cory." He said fixing his fake leather jacket.
"I'm not sure I believe you. But you know better than to drink." She said pointing at him with her finger.
Shawn sat on a seat and watched the family that was his but also not his.
Topanga called and they all went to eat dinner. Everyone ate so much food. Shawn wasn't really hungry honestly he was nauseous he didn't want to eat anything. Being around people who actually expected him to speak was odd. He knew these people, but he also realised they knew nothing about him. They didn't know he sporadically saw his dead father. They didn't know he was day drinking regularly. They didn't know about the forest of marks on his body. But he still cared about all of them. Eric the ditz, the tiny baby they had all been scared they would never know, cory the love of his life, Topanga, Mr and Mrs Matthews. on the list of people who kept him stable. There was only person missing and the was Feeny but he had his own wife to worry about. Oh, he had forgotten Riley He looked in her vague direction sitting next to her grandmother. She was eating baby food laughing. Topanga kept looking at him oddly.
Topanga watched him the whole time. Not offering him champagne. Shawn wanted to laugh, like not giving him champagne was going to stop him from doing something stupid after Christmas.
He was about to go to the hotel when Cory grabbed his arm.
"Why don't you take the couch. The rest of them are going to hotels but no need for you too." Cory said as Topanga brought out a blanket and pillow. Shawn nodded. Of course, this meant he couldn't do something stupid tonight. But hey everyone has to have a break sometimes. He laid there and the feeling of his father yelling crept into his mind. He thought of the stupid things he had done five years ago. He thought of how he had felt when cory had broken up with Topanga. How he had tried to get them together and he had made things worse. He turned over on the couch. He sighed he wasn't going to sleep well tonight. He did fall asleep around 1 am. He had a dream, this one was bad. He was in school and he was walking around. A guy tore his shirt and everyone saw the cuts that littered his stomach. People scoffed at him. Mr Feeny came out. "Shawn I am so disappointed in you." He said. Shawn slid down the wall of his locker. All the people walked around him.
Shawn woke up to Topanga next to him.
"Are you okay you were making strange noises and breathing funny?" She asked calmly.
"Yeah, Yeah I'm okay bad dream." He answered.
She left. He didn't sleep any more that night. He stared at Cory's ceiling deeply wanting to climb out the window. The problem was he would not survive the drop. He kicked the covers and huffed. He felt 14 years old again. No home nowhere to go. Just a fuck up on the couch of real people.
As Shawn sat there he saw cory walk to the door hit the buzzer. The Matthews clan came through the door. A sleeping Joshua in the arms of Mr Matthews. Shawn sat up and they laid the little one on the couch. Mrs Matthews handed Topanga a large bread pan. And Topanga brought two pans out of the fridge. As time passed and Joshua sat up.
"Christmas!" He yelped and ran over to the tree in his little onesie. Topanga walked back and brought out a sleepy Riley. They all opened presents Shawn sat back and watched. Riley and Topanga brought over a small package. Inside was a picture of a smiling Riley with her parents she had cake all over her face.
"It's her on her first birthday. You missed it so we thought you might like to see it." Topanga explained.
"Thanks," Shawn said.
The other half of the Matthews clan bought him a travel-sized toothbrush, shampoo, soap and toothpaste. He laughed at this, they had actually thought about him which was nice.
He left later that day. He left the smiling Matthews clan. Cory gave him a hug. Which Shawn would never admit sent electricity through him. He noticed being away from cory had actually made him want to mush his face into his more. Fuck me. Shawn thought as he made his way back to his hotel room. He took his bag now packed with travel toiletries. He pulled the picture out of the bag Cory had given him. He felt a pang of sadness run through him. He wasn't even sure how much he wanted children but he knew he wanted something like Cory and Topanga had. He imagined himself sitting with his partner looking at snow. He sighed then felt angry. He realised whenever he thought of the future if it wasn't cory it was always another guy.
"Fuck I am really gay." He leaned into the pole.
A guy behind him muttered fagot under his breath. Shawn felt really angry. The urge to lunge at the guy ran through him. But he really didn't want to arrest on a subway that is just lame. He got to the stop with all the trains. He got off and made his way to the train he needed to go to Washington DC. He got there and the first thing he did was find himself a bar and drink until he felt calm enough he wasn't going to have a panic attack. Not only was he alone, with self-inflicted scars, he was in love with his best friend, he was a gay. He thought back to that moment when he first ran away when the lady called him a gay homewrecker. Which was now true, he was gay and he wanted to fuck his married friend.
He wandered to down the streets realising he was lost. His bag hung over his shoulder he held another bag in his hand. His pants were ripped and he had a dust jacket that smelled like spilt booze. He realised he looked rather homeless, which wasn't really a bad thing just kinda funny. He waved down a taxi. The guy hung out the window he smelled then his face turned sombre.
"If you are trying to get to a homeless shelter I'll cut the rate in half."
"Um, not tonight. People pay for my hotel" He said frowning at the noticeable slur in his speech.
"Okay, stupid get in."
Shawn told him the address when they got there Shawn smiled.
"How'd you swing a place here?" The place was rather nice.
"Someone bought it for me."
"Well, I am glad someone took pity on you." The cab driver nodding his head.
Shawn got in and staggered to his hotel room. He laid there for a long time before realising he had the stuff to do. He cleaned his jacket till it no longer reeked of booze. Took to showered till he smelled better, He hadn't actually showered in four days. He laid on the rather nice bed. He dug into his bag in his bag. In it, he had his press credential and his camera. This bag was nice and had hard edges so you could actually keep things nice. In his bag, the Matthews had given in he had put his computer in there that way no one would steal it. He eyes the stuff. He still felt a little off and he was glad he could sleep. Tomorrow he had to cover an exhibit at the national history museum. This first piece was them setting everything up. Then on the new year cover the stuff once it was on display.
He walked into the bathroom feeling okay to brush his teeth. But then the urge to hurt himself became extremely strong he sighed and went to his bag and get his bag with blades he realised if he ever had to fly somewhere he would have to buy some on the other side. He sliced into in some places reopening old cuts and even cutting through some scar tissue. After a few cuts, he felt better. He walked back to the bed. He sighed he knew this was dangerous if he ever cut too deep people would find him passed out in the bathroom covered in blood. He sighed it was probably that or being found passed out covered in vomit dead from alcohol poisoning. It wasn't beautiful or tragically wonderful. It was just what a broken guy did to deal with his obsolescence in life.
The next day he bought a few drinks in the morning. He realised he probably shouldn't as he had to take photos that day. He sighed deeply he went to his room and changed shirts to a work, and put on nicer jeans. He grabbed his notepad, press badge and camera case. He threw on a winter coat and doubled up on socks in his shoes. He walked to the museum. Hoping the cold air would sober him up a bit. Got there and flashed his press badge. Shawn sighed as he took pictures of dresses hair stuff basically girl stuff. He liked some of it, specifically, the art that accompanied the strange hair fizz curler thing. He finished and walked back to his hotel room. He had managed to function properly with alcohol in him. Maybe he had been doing this long enough he was a functional alcoholic. He laughed at that he was deeply aware there was no such thing you could be good for a few days at a time but eventually, you had a bad night and you ended up sloshed looking like a homeless man. He was such a fuck up he either had to be bleeding or drunk to deal with life. He was such a mess. He got back to his hotel room. He was too tired to do anything. He slept for the whole afternoon. When he woke up. He went out to the convenience store. He bought three things of some 0 call energy drink and some water. He also bought some energy granola bar thing. He went back to his room. He ate and drank as he started to write. It was a long night because he had to have the story in two days and that only left one day for revisions. He looked out the window when suddenly. his mind kept urging him to jump out the window. To just die already. He slammed his fist on the table. He could jump that would be so easy. But he didn't want to be found like that. He didn't want to be the guy on the 5 o'clock news "Man jumps out of hotel room, Avoid blah street for blah amount of time" He sighed he knew that was probably going to be his end anyway. He also hated the idea of disappointing Feeny and Cory. They had always cared about him, he knew they would be disappointed in him. He wanted them to remember him well, of course as well as someone could like a piece of shit like him.