CW: Drugs, self-harm, alcohol, non-explicit sex, suicidal ideation

It was the start of summer 2008. He had started seeing a psychiatrist last January After he had spent most of that Christmas thinking of jumping out of cory's window at Christmas. Turned out the only things he had gotten out of it were anxiety and depression medication. She had prescribed it like on their second meeting. He had stopped going regularly and just goes to re-up medication. He hadn't been very honest because he wasn't ready to tell people about the self-harm or alcohol abuse. He didn't want to be shoved into the loony bin, or rehab or whatever he didn't want anyone to know. He had stuck with the program for two months and then basically given up.

But that was what had him laying on his back on the floor high on a mixture of anti-anxiety, pain meds, and alcohol. He was pretty sure he could kill himself doing this. But the anti-anxiety did nothing on their proper dose. But taking a few at a time helped some mixed with alcohol at least made him feel floaty and less crushed by life. They always said don't mix psych meds and alcohol but fuck it why not?

He ran his hand over his stomach and felt the cuts running up and down the surface. He looked into the trash can which was overflowing with beer bottles. He ran his hands through his hair. He thought about something. He hadn't been having a lot of sex over the past years. Everybody seemed so distant. But he decided that he should give it a go. These were hot British guys anyway. He then realised he ought to be more awake so he waited. In a few minutes, he ran to the bathroom and vomited. This happens a lot his body didn't like being stuffed full of so much garbage.

He then passed out for a bit. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He put on some actual pants. He went to a bar. Shawn talked to a few people. After a while, this guy and he started talking about photography. The guy had a camera hanging around his neck. The man talked about anything as long as it wasn't serious. Then the guy whispered in his ear.

"I have a hotel room down the next street. Come with me?"

Shawn nodded and followed the man out, throwing a few bills on the bar.

They got to a hotel that was much fancier than where the magazine had put Shawn up. They went to his room. The guy placed his camera on a table, Then started undressing and poured some champagne.

"Aren't we already drunk?" Shawn asked.

"You are, I'm not." The guy finished a glass as he stripped down to his boxers.

Shawn Smiled as he pulled Shawn in and kissed him deeply. "What's your name?" Shawn asked as the guy undid Shawn's belt and pants. "I'm Peter, get your shirt off!" Shawn did as he was told. The guy paused a second looking at the white and red marks that littered Shawn's skin. He ran his hands down from the stomach to the thighs. He shook his head and started kissing Shawn all over. Shawn ran his hands through Peter's hair. Peter pulled Shawn onto the bed. The kisses were needy and fast but far from caring. Just the way Shawn had wanted.

Shawn sat laying in bed next to Peter. Peter was smoking some weed and sipping on flat champagne. Shawn breathed in the smoke. He nodded towards the joint. Peter passed him a tin with the weed and some cigarette paper.

The sat high and drunk for half an hour. Then Peter shoved Shawn onto the floor.

"Get going. Hope you get that shit figured out" Peter drawled motioning to the marks on Shawn's body. Shawn nodded got dressed and left. He made his way back to his room. He took out his laptop and started to work. His mind had ironically been cleared by the weed and sex. He was able to think things through. He wrote the first half of his article staying up all night. He then fell asleep curled on his bed and dreamt.

He and Cory were kissing in a hallway. Then his dad came up behind them and started making snide comments throughout the whole thing. Cory disappeared and his dad point to his exposed stomach.

"Why are you doing this. Your life is fine I can't believe you would do this!" Chet Guffawed.

Tears brimmed in Shawn's eyes. Come sit with me. Chet said dragging Shawn into the couch.

Shawn woke up scared. A long time ago he had told his dad he respected him, that he had raised Shawn right. Thinking back to that moment he was pissed off. Things had been going well then. Cory and Topanga still were his friends, the Matthew's were there and caring and he had Angela who he had loved despite his more recent revelation that he was very very gay. Shawn sighed he did respect and love his dad, there was just this piece of him that hated everything and was still hurting from the way his family had treated him and each other. His dad had raised him to be liked was what he had told him. But the Matthews family never called him anymore, never wrote and hadn't given him a Christmas present for like 4 years. Cory called sporadically and only tell him what was going on with Riley and some girl Riley knew named Maya. He had been so proud to be his dad's kid when he was young but at the time his self-esteem dropped and he found himself hating everyone and himself he started to be angry with his father. He was hurt and sad, his dad hadn't tried his best. He took off and left a teen Shawn alone. He had made Shawn feel lost and stupid like he didn't deserve what he had. And then there was the not listening when he tried to talk to him about how hurt he was. The feeling of hands crawling over his skin, hot breath down his neck spread through him it slowly faded.

But mostly his dad had just left him this overwhelming sense of self-loathing.

Shawn got out of bed and walked to the convenience store at two in the morning. He bought a bag of chips and a soda. Shawn realised that he either ate nothing or junk for the past year. Eating always felt like this giant ordeal and getting up to do at most times seemed like a large pile of work. Which pissed him off eating was usually easy you just bought food and ate it to what fucking stupid person was eating work. To be fair he knew it was a symptom of depression which Shawn had been told by his therapist he suffered from also of course anxiety. Shawn knew both these things were true. He was depressed and anxious all the time. No matter what was going on he was scared of something and totally utterly out of it even when he wasn't drinking and/or high.

Shawn worked his way back to his apartment and sat on the bed. He ate an entire bag of chips or "crisps" as the British said. He downed three bottles of soda. He was a certified mess, he thought this five times a day. Because throughout the day he just kept noticing how monumentally fucked in the head he was. He tried over and over again to forgive his dad, to make peace with Cory and Topanga and their perfect family but it never worked, to move on from the horror of his childhood. He thought of Angela who was the only person besides cory he had ever imagined life with. He loved Angela but he had always been more in love with cory than Angela, heck more in love with cory than Topanga was. But losing all three of them in the course of a year had really taken its toll and like set back Shawn like four years in his whole feeling like a worthy person thing.

He laid back when his dad appeared in front of him.

"You know you really ought to be more of a man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe I should have listened to you. Maybe I should have stayed. But that's not important anymore. Maybe you don't have Cory anymore but did you ever really?" Chet said.

Shawn swallowed hard. He felt pissed. Who was his dad to dismiss everything? Who was his father to tell him he had never had cory? He did. They were best friends for so many years! Fuck Shawn said angrily he hated everything.

Shawn tried to work out how to move forward. "Okay, you're a gay drunk who slices his skin when he's stressed and also abuses prescription drugs and occasionally weed." He said to himself. "Maybe we just continue on like this until we have an epiphany or die." Shawn nodded, "okay that works."