CW: Suicide, Hospitals, past sexual abuse, past domestic violence, mental hospitals, disordered eating
It was 2010 and Shawn was in Philadelphia. He was sitting at the opening of the trailer park he had called home. He had a bottle of pills in one hand. He looked at his body. He was thin even by his own standard. His nails were short from biting them. He wore nice pants but his shirt was old and torn. He had been sent to Philadelphia to photograph some Christmas festival. He had sent in that work the day before and asked for some leave. What they didn't know was Shawn didn't want to be a bother to his work after death. He realised he was a mega cliche to kill himself the day after Christmas but hey be a cliche he thought to himself. Shawn clutched a note in his hand he looked over it one last time.
"Tell Cory Matthews I love him I always loved him. Tell Topanga I hope she does well and her children are beautiful. Tell the other Mathews I care about them and appreciate what they did for me over the years. Tell Feeny thank you for being the best teacher a kid could have.
I'm doing this because it's a fuck up and always have always will be. The best person I ever was was Cory's friend and I'm not that anymore. I'm not a Matthews I'm a Hunter. And we don't do good for very long. So I hope you all forgive me in death. -Shawn H" He smiled and downed the pills.
Cory was sitting with his family in the old house. Josh and Mr Matthew were playing video games. Riley was 9 and laughing as she played with her new dollhouse. Morgan was flipping through her iPhone Showing Eric pictures of her new apartment and boyfriend. Mrs Matthews was cooking dinner. Topanga held Little Auggie in her arms telling stories about something that the baby couldn't understand. Cory looked around fondly this was his family. Two notable people were missing. That was Mr Feeny who of course was somewhere warm for Christmas this year. And Shawn. Cory knew he didn't check up on Shawn as much as he should, life just got away from him and Shawn was living his dream travelling the world.
Cory's cell phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was shown he was so happy. His heart quickly sank though.
"Is this Mr Cory Matthews?"
"Uh yeah, who is this?"
"This is nurse valentine at Pennsylvania hospital"
"Okay, why do you have Shawn's phone?"
"Shawn was just brought in. he overdosed and he has listed you as his emergency contact."
Cory collapsed on to the floor. The rest of the family turned to him. Cory choked back tears.
"Do you know of any next of kin?"
"Umm yes, I do." Cory gave the lady Jack's info. "Can I come see him?"
"Yes.." The nurse explained. Cory grabbed his coat and wallet and walked out the door. Leaving everyone else staring at his back. He didn't want anyone to come with him. He knew Shawn would want to see as little people as possible. Cory held back tears the whole way to the hospital. Nothing seemed right. Shawn had overdosed Cory didn't even know he was doing drugs. What would make him do something like that was it an accident or a suicide attempt?
Cory got to the hospital and asked for Shawn Hunter. He got into the room and walked to the appropriate partitioned section. He looked at the lifeless Shawn. His hair was messy it looked dry and dirty. His face had a scraggly beard. Through the gown, he could tell how incredibly thin Shawn had become. Cory sat down roughly. He looked up when Jack came bursting through with paperwork in his arms. He looked as devastated as cory felt.
Jack stood there staring at Shawn. "Did you know cory? Did you know he was suicidal?" Jack asked softly
Cory felt awful it was a suicide attempt. He heart seemed to drop to his feet and his stomach turned. "No, he Never told me."
"Me either."
"How did we miss it?" Cory asked.
"I don't know."
A few minutes later Shawn woke up. He groaned. He looked around at the two men staring at him.
"I failed," Shawn whispered.
"What do you mean?" Cory asked scooting closer to Shawn.
"I should have died." He said bitterly.
"Why? Why would you do this to us?" Jack snapped.
"Oh, what's it to you? I get maybe two calls a year? And a Christmas card? You idiot." Shawn said harshly.
Jack stalked out.
Cory turned to him. Shawn handed a piece of paper to cory and sighed.
Cory read the note.
"Shawn I love you too. You should have come to me and said it." Cory said quietly.
"Cory I'm fucked in the head. I've been drunk and high for years. ' Shawn deadpanned.
" I didn't know Shawn."
" I never told you. You had the dream man. Nice apartment beautiful wife and daughter. A wonderful son. A great job, perfect family. Why would I do anything to hurt that." Shawn said.
Cory looked at his best friend. He skin was deadly pale his eyes had no shine.
"What? You are my family you always have been you always will be." Cory said.
"I thought for a while maybe it would be good even though I had forgiven my father. But I don't know everything just got bad again." Shawn breathed not really responding to Cory's comments.
"It's okay for things to be bad. But I don't understand why you thought this was the way to go." Cory told Shawn.
"You don't understand. I know you...you don't get it." Shawn said looking immensely tired.
"Go to sleep shawnie you look like you need it," Cory said leaning back in his chair. He wasn't going to let Shawn be alone ever again. Cory fell asleep but Shawn didn't. Cory woke up when he heard Shawn babbling.
"No, I don't like that I don't. No please don't be mad." there was a pause and Shawn looked hurt. "No I know I'm sorry." Shawn fell back in his bed. " I promise it's my fault I just overreacted."
Cory looked at him. His breathing was erratic and his eyes were wide in terror. He looked at the doorway again nothing was there. Jack came in.
"Cory was Shawn talking to you?"
"No jack I think he was having a flashback."
"Really? That poor kid." Jack said. He felt confused looking at his half-dead brother. He figured Shawn's childhood had not been phenomenal, fuck it he knew Chet had been abusive. But Shawn had seen damaged but no like this. Not this bad. Not starving to death, dead-eyed, thinning hair, terrified of shadows. This was not his brother.
Shawn came out of it too see the two men staring at him Cory looked frightened and Jack looked confused.
"I just yelled at the air again didn't I?" Shawn sighed.
Cory and Jack nodded.
"Seems to happen a lot," Shawn muttered.
After a while, a nurse came in.
"Shawn we are going to move you up to the psychiatric unit. You have a mandatory 48-hour hold but after that, you can decide if you want to stay longer. okay?" She told them.
The three men nodded.
A nurse came in and told Shawn to leave his shoe strings and belt with his family. And put him in a wheelchair and lead him up to the psych floor. Jack stood there holding a belt and some shoe strings. Another nurse came through and told him.
"If you think he is going to stay longer than 48 hours. You should bring him some laceless shoes, sweatpants and t-shirts. Maybe a book? Any personal effects that couldn't be used to kill or injure oneself." the nurse said with a sicking sympathetic tone. Jack nodded.
Jack turned to cory looking dumbfounded.
"I knew this one guy in college who tried to commit suicide. He told us that the psyche ward fucked him harder than the actual depression." Jack said.
"I've had a few students try to commit suicide. It always seemed so distant, sad but distant. Now it's like I've just been cold-cocked." Cory replied.
Shawn had been in the psych ward for a week and a half. He had talked about the drugs, the booze, the cutting. He had talked about feeling left behind. He talked about being in love with his best friend switching around Cory and Topanga's name. He didn't want to be stuck in the same space with a crazy (literally) homophobe. He had talked about being abandoned. But he had never talked about his father much yet. No one would care anyway. He acted like he was fine. Told them he felt safe, told them he wouldn't try again. The only good part had been talking to people in his same situation. The worst part had been the withdrawal. His body felt like it was on fire and he was nauseous. Not being able to cut also hurt, ironic that he felt in pain when he wasn't inflicting pain.
The next day he was discharged, he wasn't going to stay any longer even if that was recommended by the therapist. He has given a new prescription a mood stabilizer and a new anti-anxiety. They worked differently so the receptors he had worn out weren't processing the med or some jargon. Shawn stalked out with Jack following behind him. They got into Jacks car.
"You can stay with me if you like?." Jack said.
"Why?" Shawn said staring out the window. The sound of pity in his brother's voice felt like a dagger in his heart.
"Because you scared us and I don't ever want to see you half dead in a hospital bed again until we're old and grey and have ten grandkids," Jack answered.
"Okay," Shawn said.
"Really? That easy?"
"I don't want to hurt you or Cory again," Shawn replied.
Jack started driving Shawn looked at his feet. About an hour later jack spoke.
"But just to warn you. I have a girlfriend who's living with me. But we have a spare bedroom."Jack explained.
Shawn nodded staring out the window.
"Do you have stuff that needs to be picked up?" Jack asked.
"Yeah my like five cases of beer." Shawn spat.
Jack shook his head.
Shawn rolled his eyes." I have some clothes, a few pictures, my camera and a laptop." Shawn sighed.
"When we get to my house you can give me your key and I can ask Melanie, That's my girlfriend. To go pick it up."
"She's gonna go to Boston?"
"Yes, she knows how much I love you," Jack said uncomfortably.
Shawn loved his brother too. But they had only really been closed for a short time. He starred out the window the whole way to Jack's house.
Shawn had been living at Jack's house for four months. He had gotten a job as a photographer for a local newspaper. But as this was a sporadic job at best he was also a waiter. Melanie was always good to him. She made sure the house had no alcohol and kept the med cabinets locked. When Shawn needed to shave Jack would watch him and then lock up the razors. This bugged Shawn a bit but he knew it was being nice so he sucked it up. Shawn spent most of his time in his room. He had been pushing things down for so long he had been running. And now he couldn't because if he took off he knew he would never come back. And part of him knew doing this was the best way to see Cory again. And he wanted to see his best friend more than anything.
Shawn's wish was granted when Cory walked into the room. Shaw jumped up. He walked forward and pushed Cory. He smiled
"You aren't a hallucination!" Shawn said.
"Yes?" Cory said sceptically.
"I missed you."
" I have a question, Shawn. When you were in the hospital you were yelling at a man to stop. Who was it?" Cory asked sitting on the bed.
"I can't tell you that," Shawn said turning around.
"If it hurts the way it seems like it does. I want to know."
Shawn sighed. Cory was the person he loved more than anything in the world. It was time to tell someone. Talking about things was what his therapist was always trying to get him to do.
"It wasn't just running away they would yell and insult each other. I always felt crazy and stupid around them. They would be so passive aggressive or sometimes outright aggressive. I would be fine for a while I would think things were okay then everything would fall apart they invalidated everything I felt so eventually I stopped telling them. And" Shawn sucked in air. "My dad when he got really drunk would kinda feel me up," Shawn said he then burst into tears.
"Shawnie. Your father" Cory breathed. He honestly couldn't imagine having parents who made him feel like that. And worse he couldn't imagine having a father who would touch him like that. "Am I the first person you told about the stuff with your dad?"
Shawn nodded. He sat up running his hand through his hair.
"Why did you never tell me?"
"Honestly I didn't really realize how wrong everything was until like late in high school. They were gone anyway so I just I don't know" Shawn tried to explain.
"I am so sorry," Cory said. shawn looked at cory's face he seemed heartbroken.
"You probably want to leave now," Shawn said gesturing towards the door.
"Why would I leave."
"Because I'm like the king of fucked in the head. I was abandoned like five times, I drink, I cut, I do drugs, my dad touched me like that and I'm currently crashing at my brother's place because he's scared I'm gonna try to off myself again." Shawn said.
"I'm not going to leave you, Shawn. I'm going to visit you all the time. And we can talk about anything." Cory reassured Shawn. They both flopped backwards half on half off the bed. But neither cared how comfortable they were as long as they were together.
About a year later Shawn had told Cory all the things he didn't know or didn't know all of it. Shawn explained how his father used to yell and undermine and manipulate he. He explained how lost he had felt his whole life. He told him about the self-harm had done at various times in his life. That one hit Cory hard because he felt like he should have seen it considered they had lived together.
Two days later Mr Turner showed up at Shawn workplace at closing hours. Shawn stopped dead in his tracks he hadn't seen this guy in over a decade. The man had been in a coma for like three years and then taken off to live somewhere warm to recover. Then he had dropped off the face of the earth.
"Hi, Shawn." He said softly
"Hi, John," Shawn said weekly
"It's like seeing a ghost," John said.
Shawn nodded.
"A few years ago I got a job as superintendent of schools in new york. I've been seeing the Matthews recently. Cory told me what happened to you when he started crying randomly at the dinner table."
"How much did he tell you? Who was at dinner?"
"It was just Cory me and Topanga. He told me you had tried to commit suicide. And That you had been hurting yourself since high school." John explained.
"Oh," Shawn said feeling very small.
"I'm so sorry we lost touch. I should have taken better care of you."
"Your right you should have." Shawn snapped.
They stood there staring at each other when tears fell down Johns' face. Shawn ran his hand through his hair. his face scrunched.
"We messed up," John said
"We did."
Shawn Looked at John. He looked good, his hair was short he was dressed in a semi-nice looking suit. He looked healthy even if he was older.
John looked at Shawn. He was thin even for him, which was sad considering how long he had been living with his brother. His hair was short but long enough it could flop, but not in that awful 90's look, he had sported as a teen. He was wearing the uniform shirt of his job and khakis. Honestly, John found it a little funny Shawn wearing a corporatist uniform.
They left after Shawn's shift. They walked to a restaurant and sat there staring at each other over their waters. They ordered pizza and ate mostly in silence.
"John. Did I mean anything to you?" Shawn asked.
"What of course you did!" John said sounding shocked.
"You didn't want me! and you left me with my father."
"Shawn I didn't know how bad everything was. And I assumed you wanted to be with your father. and when I woke up, I needed to get healthy again."
"You could have seen me again. You could have done something."
"I could have. but I wanted you as a son. I wanted to care about you. Things just never worked out."
"Things do that."
A month later Shawn was cleared by Jack to live on his own. Shawn got a new job at a new at another travel magazine based in upstate new york. He and Cory saw each other more than. Shawn did a lot better, but he still felt miserable most of the time. His father seemed to jump into his mind at various times making Shawn feel lost all over again. He still had flashbacks to the abuse. Shawn stayed in this job for 4 and a half years. With the money he had saved over the past 13 years he had been able to live in a nice cabin in the middle of nowhere he could avoid all human contact when his brain seemed to shut down and hate everything. Life was okay. But he was still so alone that it burned.