CW: referenced self-harm, internalized homophobia, implied child abuse, past alcohol abuse
Shaw was invited to Christmas at Cory 's house for Christmas 2014. He was nervous in his car driving up there. His heart pounded in his chest. He felt this way whenever he had to see more people than just Cory. Seeing Topanga and the kids just reminded him of everything he didn't have. It had been a long since his last relapse so he didn't look half dead, his breath was clean and he had no red scabbed gashes in his skin. He parked his car in a garage. And walked to the Matthews apartment. He was buzzed in. He got there and Cory gave him a hug. This always sent electricity through his body. Everyone said hi. Topanga called him Mr Cory like she always did, the others were kind to him. Mrs Matthews still always looked at him like he was about to break. Josh did too, Josh didn't understand everything but he was old enough to remember when Cory had sat doing nothing for a week waiting for news of Shawn. Shawn had no relationship with Riley which always made him sad. But he couldn't look at her, she seemed like the nail in the coffin of 'Cory and Shawn". The blonde girl sitting with Riley must be Maya.
Shawn talked with the Matthews for a few hours. Then Maya confronted him sitting in the bay window.
"Why are you so mean to Riley?" She said hands on her hips.
"I'm not mean." Shawn defended.
"You make her feel bad," Maya said fiercely. She sat down and stared at Shawn's face Riley next to her.
Riley looked at him and she looked sad. "He's sad," Reilly said.
Shawn scoffed and shook his head. Maya looked at him for a while.
"You're right Reily," Maya said.
Shawn looked at the kids. These were some perceptive thirteen-year-olds. He said nothing. Anything could be used against him in the court of teenage girls.
"Why are you so sad when you see me?" Riley asked.
Shawn couldn't stop the words pouring out his mouth, "Because you remind me of losing cory." Shawn said and immediately regretted it. Maya looked at him.
"It's okay to be sad. But don't be a jerk to Riley," Maya instructed.
"Okay, I'll work on that."
They ate Christmas dinner. Shawn sat back in the bay window after dinner. Maya walked over to him.
"I get sad when I see the Matthews sometimes too. Reminds me of what I don't have." Maya said and sat down.
The two sat in silence together for a while. Just enjoying being with someone who understood.
Shawn started coming to see the Matthews more often. He talked with Maya. One day She came in looking upset.
"You should have left it alone!" Maya said sounding dead.
"But I just wanted your mom to see how good you are!" Riley pleaded.
"She never does, ever! Why should she now." Maya said flipping her hands in the air.
"Because you're her daughter," Riley said softly.
Riley looked flustered but sat on the far end of the couch.
"Stop getting your hopes up so high." Maya shrugged and sat down next to Shawn.
"My mom never came to anything I did either," Shawn said clasping his hands together.
"Always busy?" Maya asked.
"Just never there," Shawn replied.
"What about your dad?"
"At the beginning busy, or drunk. Later gone." Shawn explained.
"My dad left," Maya said. "What's with us?"
"What's with us?" Shawn echoed.
One day Shawn was sitting in Riley's bay window telling Riley and Maya about the time he blew up a mailbox. Maya thought it was the best story ever and Riley was horrified.
"What story are you telling them now?" Cory asked leaning in the door frame.
"Um, the cherry bomb in the mailbox?" Shawn said smiling.
Cory rolled his eyes.
"Why are you doing a solo story?" Cory joked.
"My stories are the best!" Shawn said laughing
Cory sighed and shook his head. And walked away.
Maya looked quizzically at Shawn's face.
"Riley, I need to talk to Shawn!" Maya said. Riley looked confused but left.
"You're in love with Cory." She said.
"I am not," Shawn answered.
"Yes, you are I can see it written all over your face," Maya said forcefully.
"What if I am?" He said looking right into her eyes.
"It's okay," Maya said quieter this time.
"If I'm in love with cory, you're definitely in love with Riley."
Maya looked hurt. Shawn suddenly felt really bad. He shouldn't have said that Maya looked away.
"What if I am." She burst into tears hugging Shawn. Shaw felt very awkward. He hadn't meant to make her cry.
She looked up at him. "Thank you for noticing. But she's in love with someone else." She said letting go of Shawn.
"No one noticed with me either," Shawn said.
"Apparently all the good ones are straight." Maya joked.
She leaned her head on Shawn's shoulder.
"When are you leaving?" Maya asked sadly
"I have a job next week," Shawn said matching her tone.
"Come to see me after that." She asked.
"Sure."
Shawn started coming between most jobs it had been a year from when they had first talked about their loves. Maya and he had gone out to have lunch. Maya's mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She looked aggravated.
"So you're the guy my little girl can't stop talking about," she said
"Yeah, and your Maya's mom," Shawn said.
"Well at least you're nice to her," she said.
"Do you have a problem with me?" Shawn asked.
"No, not really." She answered.
"I'm Shawn hunter." He stuck out his hand. He was still full of nervous energy. He had thought fast of the most polite grown-up thing he could do. Shaking hands seemed to fit that bill.
"I'm Katy Hart." She replied and shook Shawn's hand. Shawn looked at the woman, she was pretty.
He sat at the kitchen table next to Katy. He was nervous, what had Cory told her about his past? What had Maya told her? He had told Maya quite a few stories about his antics as a child what would Katy think of a delinquent being around her already troubled daughter.
Maya walked over and stared at the two.
"Come on Riley," Cory said leading him
Cory thought for a second. His scheming past rose up inside him.
"I wish Katy and Shawn would be together". Cory mused to himself
"that won't work Shawn is gay." Riley laughed.
"Shawns gay?" Cory asked.
Topanga walked out of Auggie's room a strange look on her face.
"How did you know?" Cory asked.
"I heard him and Maya talking about it." Riley smiled. "he was saying how he was in love with you!" Riley said, her face changing realizing her mistake.
"He's in love with me?" Cory asked."No. How did I miss that?" Cory's heart dropped to his feet. All these years and he hadn't even considered this.
"I did always say he loved you more than I did". Topanga sighed,"That's part of why he left I bet."
"It is," Maya said leaning against the door frame.
"He told you?" Cory said incredulously to Maya. His world was shaking.
"Maya come on we're going" Katy called Maya waved at Matthew's clan. They stepped down to see Shawn at the kitchen table.
He looked at the look on Cory's face. He felt fear run through him. Something was wrong.
"Riley told us something." Cory said then inhaling a large gasp of air
"what did she tell you." Shawn said bracing himself.
"she told me you're in love with me," Cory said softly
Shawn stood up, the urge deep inside him to bolt welled up he backed towards the door.
"Shawn hunter sit your ass down now," Topanga said. Shawn complied. Topanga always scared him in too many ways.
Topanga and Cory sat down.
"really why don't you go play with Auggie?" Topanga asked. Riley nodded and walked away.
"Shawnie why didn't you tell us your gay? I wouldn't have cared." Cory asked
"I didn't even realize till college. And then I denied it for a while longer." Shawn explained. He was fighting the urge to vomit and/or run. He sat there awkwardly trying to keep himself calm.
"Shawn. I should have realized you were in love with cory. I mean I always called you Mr cory." Topanga sighed.
"none of this matters" Shawn shouted standing up. "you love him and he loves you." a shiver ran down Shawn's spine.
His father was standing across the room shaking his head. Cory reached up and took his wrist. Shawn looked down his brain returning to the moment.
"Shawn. You're right I don't love you like that. But I do care about you. I hated seeing you so sick. I want to see you with a guy who is awesome. I want you to write dumb poetry that's happy for once. I do love you just differently" Cory explained
Shawn felt the anger drain from his body. He suddenly felt immensely tired.
"I'm going to go to my hotel room. I promise not to OD again," he said malice slipping through at the end. He managed to get to his hotel without thinking. He stayed here whenever he was here. He looked at the bar
"fuck it" Shawn muttered to himself. He ordered the first beer on the list. And sat in one of the lounge chairs. He had one too many. Then wandered up to his room. He put on the tv. He watched some dumb sitcom and silently commented on everything that would never happen. He woke up the next morning with a knock at the door. Assuming it was house cleaning he opened the door. Instead, he saw Maya and Riley.
"we have come to tell you even if you never want to see my parents again. Maya needs you so you have to come back," Riley announced.
Maya rolled her eyes her leg vibrating under betraying her nonchalant expression.
"come in," Shawn said.
He did a quick look. He was reminded that his massive hangover had been acquired in the bar, not in his room.
Maya walked up to him and sniffed.
"you've been drinking." Maya accused.
"Dad says you're not supposed to drink," Riley said worriedly.
"nope I'm not," Shawn said sitting down.
"it's not smart," Maya said
The disappointment on Maya's face killed him. Her gaze softened. Then it grew hard again and she turned to Riley.
"this is your fault. You were never supposed to hear those conversations. Whenever we talked about that shit I sent you away. Then you outed him. You are making me lose him!" Maya yelled.
"Hey Maya," Shawn said taking her waving hands in his. "she doesn't understand. It's okay. I'm not leaving you. I tried running. It doesn't work." Shawn's chest was tight. He looked in the angry lost eyes and saw himself. But there was also something fabulously Maya. She had this smile that made him melt. He wanted her to be happy, he wanted to see her grow older with the most minimal pain possible. He wanted her to be with a fabulous girl and paint everything. He just wanted good things for her.
Riley looked scared at both of them.
"Riley," Shawn said. "I'm not mad at you, or your parents. I'm just not all that okay."
Riley nodded and took Maya's hand. Maya's eyes were rimmed with red and he had a killer hangover to deal with two emotional teenagers, Riley look sad.
"okay bad greasy food anyone?" Shawn said.
The girls nodded.
Shawn's phone rang as he walked out.
"they with you?" Cory asked.
"yes."
"are you drunk?" he heard Topanga asked.
"No" Shawn replied.
"are you buying them crappy food?" Cory asked.
"maybe." he sighed.
"Hi, daddy!" Riley called.
"okay have them home today," Cory said and hung up.
The three of them did eat that crappy food. Then they had then seen a matinee of some bad rom-com which Maya had hated, Riley had loved, and Shawn loved the kid's facial expressions.
"I want more french fries!" Riley exclaimed as they walked in. Katy stood up and slapped Shawn.
"my daughter disappeared and she ends up in your hotel room!"
"mom I've disappeared before and ended up worse places," Maya said standing in between her mother and Shawn.
"Katy, she felt bad because I had a fight with the Matthews and Riley felt responsible," Shawn explained.
"you only knew I was gone because the Matthew's called you right?" Maya asked.
Her mom blushed this time.
"Maya it's not your mom's fault."
"cake!" Topanga announced.
Shawn had never heard words so wonderful. He didn't have to defend anyone.
They ate the girls complained about something to do with school. Cory made jokes. Augie talked about Eva Morgenstern. Katy and Shawn kept meeting eyes and then looking away. It was strange because there was tension but it wasn't sexual or romantic. He didn't want that, he just wanted to take care of Maya.
Katy watched Shawn while they ate the cake. Shawn's stomach stayed full of butterflies. He felt the urge to run, just like he always did when things got tough. But not when he and Maya got deep, not when she needed help not when she needed somebody to listen. Then he wanted to stay, wanted to make sure she was alright. That was a strange feeling, not wanting to run.
Maya and her mom left. Both girls looked angry.
Topanga told Riley to play with Augie. Reily protested but Topanga gave her the look and she did as she was told but with the most sass possible.
"Shawn, what's wrong?" Cory asked.
"After we talked last night I went to my hotel room and.." Shawn trailed off loathe to talk about his feelings.
"Your drank." Topanga filled in.
They looked worried.
"Yes. But I wasn't drunk when the girls got there this morning, just slightly hung over." He said staring at the floor.
"Shawn you didn't need to do that. I still love you, you're still my favourite person, you always will be." Cory said.
"You will always have a place in our life, in Riley and Auggie. And I think now Maya's." Topanga said.
"I think I should move here," Shawn said.
"That would be great shawnie!" Cory smiled.
"I can be close to you and the kids. And be there for Maya whenever she needs, not whole weeks with radio silence." Shawn explained.
"Yeah, that would be good," Topanga said putting her hand on his arm. "We love you, Shawn. Stay here tonight, keep you safe."
Shawn was slightly angry. They were putting him on suicide watch. This had happened before when he had visited in between leaving Jack's and actually levelling off to normal. They would come when he did something stupid and cory or jack would stay with him. It was humiliating to be treated like a loser who can't take care of himself. And he honestly hadn't had any issues before last night for almost two years, since that Christmas when he met Maya, and really got to know Riley. They had filled something within him that had been empty. He knew then he needed to stay close to them, to cory, to a home.
Shawn was set up in his apartment. He had a two bedroom apartment. A small kitchen that actually had everything a person would need to cook actual food. The kitchen opens onto a living room with one long couch and a TV and desk pushed up against a back wall. The back wall was covered in pictures, some of his favourite places he travelled. But his favourites were pictures he had taken with the Matthews and Maya. They were full of smiles. A picture from Maya's birthday was his favourite the lighting of the candles lit up her smile. Another good one was one Topanga took of cory and him midway through their handshake showing the girls.
His bedroom had a bed and a dresser. A picture of him jack and Chet were on the dresser. A picture from college with him, cory and Topanga was on his bedside table.
Having pictures in his place was wonderful. It felt like he was worth something because he had a life, a real life with people and memories. The guest bedroom just had a bed and a bedside table with a lamp. The bedside table was the matching one to the one in his bedroom but why would he need two he hadn't dated in years.
After he had done his final check he heard a knock at the door. Cory probably had some cheesy gift for him to hang somewhere. But when he opened the door he saw Katy standing there.
"Yes?"
"I am mad at you. But I am also really thankful." She said putting her hands on her hips.
"Okay, let's start with mad."
"Well I think Maya likes you better than she likes me You've started going to all her little school things And you hang out with her And I don't do that," Katy said in one long sentence.
"She asked me too. She wants me there." Shawn said.
"Well, why does she like you more?" Katy demanded.
"I don't think she does. Just your always gone, so she's frustrated with you. When she gets angry with you I do tell her you're trying. I don't throw you under the bus." Shawn said defensively.
"Okay."
"Why are you thankful?" Shawn asked.
"The same reasons," Katy said hotly.
"Wha?" Shawn said confused.
"You being there for Maya, it is good," Katy said awkwardly.
Shawn nodded.
"I have to go out of town. My mother needs something. We haven't talked in like three years but she is dying so I have to go see her." Katy said. "Maya wants to stay with you."
"She can if she wants to. I have an extra bedroom." Shawn answered. He then stopped looking stunned.
" You just scared yourself didn't you?" Katy asked.
"Yeah," Shawn replied.
"That actually makes me trust you more." Katy laughed. "Topanga will come check on you every night, make sure Maya is safe."
"Okay sure," Shawn said.