Chapter 2: Breastfeeding
Emily watches intensely how her little baby brother is latched onto her mother's breast, sucking eagerly and emitting a satisfied grunt every now and then.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"How come there's enough milk in them? He's been drinking from them so many weeks now and they are so small," the curious 6-year old asks in her thirst for understanding the world. Scully, on her part, thinks her breasts are huge compared to their normal size. They had already grown during her pregnancy but nursing does a whole different thing to them. Now that William is sleeping through the night occasionally, they almost explode in the morning, and latching him on is a great relief.
"The amount of milk produced has nothing to do with the size of the breast, Em. A mother's body produces as much as the baby needs which means the more a baby drinks, the more milk is produced. It's called a demand-and-supply process. When the baby is done drinking, the breast refills for when the baby is hungry again."
"Is it just boring regular milk or does it come in different flavors? Cocoa maybe?"
Scully can't keep herself from chuckling at the droll question. "No, sweetheart, it doesn't taste like cocoa, but some of what the mother eats or drinks pass into the breast milk. That's why I didn't have any of the peanut butter cookies yesterday at grandma's."
"But you love grandma's peanut butter cookies!"
"I do, but peanuts have allergenic compounds that can be transmitted through breast milk. William might have a peanut allergy we don't know anything of yet, so I rather not expose him to it before I'm certain he tolerates it. There is other food which is said to give a baby colics or nappy rashes because their immature digestive tract isn't used to it, like citrus fruit for example. I can either try it out at the risk of having a fussy or whiny baby or I stay away from it as long as I'm nursing."
"Hmmm." Emily tilts her head to the side, processing the information and assessing it. A moment later, she asks, "is that why you don't have wine at dinner when daddy has some?"
"Exactly. William would share the wine in the breast milk and he's much too young to have alcohol."
"Sure," Emily confirms. "Children mustn't have alcohol, neither do babies."
"You're absolutely right."
"Nursing is tough," Emily concludes, "mommies have to keep a lot in mind and they have to get up every night to feed the baby."
Scully is overwhelmed by her daughter's compassion. She smiles and cups Emily's cheek with her free hand, stroking it gently with her thumb. "It also is a great joy, sweetheart. To be able to nurture your baby is a wonderful experience for a mother and it strengthens the bond between mother and child." She could tell Emily about the hormones which are involved, oxytocin and prolactin, but she's still too young to understand the biochemistry behind breastfeeding. But the girl understands something else, something that feels like a stab into Scully's heart.
"You never had that with me. I didn't grow in your belly and you never nursed me. We don't have that bond," she says, her sad face betraying her steady voice. "Being adopted sucks. Why couldn't I have been in your belly too? Like William? Why can't I be your real child just like he is?"
Scully's heart skips a beat. She looks at Emily and can't help cursing for the thousand's time whoever is responsible for the injustice done to her. The girl is right, Scully thinks, it sucks. She should've been the woman to carry her. That ova had belonged to her and she should've conceived Emily in an act of love just like she had conceived William. She should've carried her in her womb for nine months, should've felt her fluttery movements inside her, should've brought her to life, and should've nursed her. Should've, should've, should've. There are so many subjunctives in this train of thought, it makes her sick. But she can't have Emily share her issues, the girl has suffered enough already in her short life. The most important thing is the here and now, and here and now Scully couldn't be any happier with both her children.
William has fallen asleep sucking on her nipple like he often does while feeding. Scully pulls him away from her breast, settles him on her shoulder and gently pats his back to make him burp. She buttons herself up with one hand, then holds it out to invite Emily into an embrace. The girl scoots close and nestles against her mother's side.
"You are my real child, sweetie. Daddy and I love you very much. You're our small bean." She hugs her tight and kisses her hair.
"As much as you love William?"
Scully knows this goes beyond the usual insecurity of a child having to cope with the arrival of a new sibling. They've never kept it a secret from her that she was an adopted child. Emily was only three when she came to live with Mulder and her, the memories of the Sims, her adoptive parents before them, might have been faded at some point, but Scully didn't want that to happen. Overwhelming her with information about secret government programs, stolen ova, and artificial insemination hasn't been contemplated so far because of her still young age, but Emily knows she'd been a daughter to another set of parents before she came to them.
"Of course as much as we love William. You are our child just like he is. We're the Mulder family, all four of us. Don't ever doubt that, Em!"
Scully managed to conjure a smile on the girl's face, exactly what she hoped to achieve. Three years of parenting, of showering her with love and care, have given the girl a sense of basic trust every child should have in their parents. And Mulder and she are her parents in the truest sense of the word, although official authorities had long put a spoke in their wheel.
"But you are a Scully, mommy."
"Only to daddy. For the rest of the world, I'm a Mulder just like the three of you. In my heart anyway."
It had started out as a marriage on paper for Scully to be able to get custody of Emily. She would've never been allowed to be her legal guardian as a single woman, notwithstanding the fact that the DNA proved she was her biological mother. When all administrative aspects had been taken care of and Mrs. Fox Mulder had been officially declared Emily's mother, Mulder suggested adopting Emily also, just so she would have a complete set of parents to rely on. Their connection had turned into a real marriage eventually, William being a living proof. The life Scully had always dreamt of when she was a little girl, has become a reality. She's married to a man she loves from the bottom of her heart and has two wonderful children.
"I love you, mommy," Emily declares with sparkling eyes, letting Scully's heart swell.
"I love you too, Em. To the moon and back."
"Love you too, little brother," the girl says and kisses the sleeping baby's bald head in a sentiment of sisterly love.
Scully's heart spills over with emotion, and not just because of the hormones released by breastfeeding.