Chapter 5: First Times
"Mom?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Are you busy?"
"I'm about to wrap up an autopsy report," Scully says, turning her chair away from the computer on her desk to meet her daughter's eyes. When she sees how Emily shifts her weight nervously from one foot to the other, her eyes fluttering, she adds with a smile, "but it can wait."
She gets up to settle on Mulder's old couch from his Alexandria apartment. It had been moved into her office some time ago because his had become stuffed with too many filing cabinets to host it any longer. "Why don't you shut the door behind you and join me?" she offers, patting softly on the worn leather next to her.
They have a difficult conversation ahead of them, that much is clear from the way the 16-year-old is standing there, her hands firmly intertwined and still slightly trembling. Her lips are swollen from biting them too hard and her cheeks are blushing. In the thirteen years the girl has been living with them, Scully has learned to read her too well to be misreading her demeanor now. Taking a seat next to her mother, Emily tucks a strand of her ginger hair behind her ear in a nervous gesture so familiar it makes Scully smile inwardly. When she takes one of her daughter's hands in hers it's sweaty and cold, another puzzle piece that fits perfectly.
"Just spit it out, honey. You know you can talk to me about anything. It will make you feel better, I promise."
Emily takes a deep inhale, then holds her breath for a few seconds before she exhales slowly through her pursed lips. "It's rather personal...uh, it has to do with...with Luke," she finally supplies.
Scully's pulse starts galloping. Luke is Emily's first serious boyfriend, they have been going steady for about half a year. He's one of her classmates, a nice young man with good manners and a frequent and welcome guest at their house. There was some initial reservation on Mulder's part toward a male who had set out to take the number one position with his baby girl away from him - when he saw them kissing goodbye once from the kitchen window, Scully hardly managed to keep him from dashing outside and pulling them apart - but he accommodated to the situation eventually. But then again, what choice has he had? Their girl is growing up, going through the ups and downs of puberty like everyone else, and taking the first tentative steps into the world of dating is part of it.
The two teenagers are cute together, experiencing their first love. Of course, they had the talk with Emily; well, Scully had. Mulder only shrugged his shoulders and told her she was the scientist and doctor, and, even more so, a woman and most certainly much better at this than him. She called him a coward but assumed the responsibility of telling their daughter everything about conception, birth control, protection, and about what the right age was in her eyes to start sexual activities.
As far as Scully is concerned, sixteen is too young. Emily is practically still a kid, unable to fathom the enormity of what it means for a woman to lose her virginity. She hopes her daughter will wait until she is eighteen, at least, or even better, twenty. If she asked Mulder, he'd opt for thirty, or maybe never. Although, he's secretly dreaming of grandkids, of that Scully is sure. She also knows, she cannot stipulate much anymore when it comes to the life of her teenage daughter, all she can do is argue with her and explain her view on matters. Parents lose control over most aspects of the lives of their children when they hit puberty. All they can do is keep the communication channels open, and that is exactly what Scully is willing to do.
"What's on your mind, sweetheart? Sex?"
"Mom!"
"Isn't that what you came to talk to me about?"
"No!" the girl exclaims with determination, but mumbles under her breath then, "well, maybe. In a way. But it's not like we are planning it for next week."
Scully tries to hide her relief. A lot of girls have sex at Emily's age. She saw quite a few of them during her residency in the OB/GYN department. Teenage mothers, young girls pregnant, girls with social diseases, and some simply dealing badly with the emotional consequences of their actions.
"Okay. What can I do? What would you like to know about sex?"
"Mom!"
"What?"
"Why do you have to be so outspoken?"
"It's nothing you have to whisper about or to be ashamed of, Em. We all have been through the infamous first time."
"Mo-hom!"
"I'm a doctor, Emily, I won't be speaking of birds and bees."
"I'm aware of that, but I don't want to talk about my first time...not directly at any rate. Rather in the sense of..."
"In what sense?"
It takes the teenager a moment to bring herself to utter what's on her mind.
"My friends...Jessica and Brittany and Charlotte, they all...well...they say I'd be a late starter if...if I don't...ugh..."
"A late starter?"
"Yes. They have all already done it. All but me. But I don't feel I'm ready for it just yet. Is something wrong with me?"
"What? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've just turned sixteen, for heaven's sake. Let your friends brag about the sex they've allegedly had, don't let yourself get insecure about the decision you've made for yourself, Emily."
"Allegedly?"
"Oh, honey, those who brag the loudest about their sex life are usually the ones who are not having any. That's a fact that applies to all age groups, male and female."
"Really? They said I was a prude because I told them I wanted to wait a little more. I mean, I love Luke, but..." Now that the very essence of what she tried to get off her chest was out, it's possible for Emily to form complete sentences. Possible, but still not easy.
"Losing your virginity is a personal choice, not a competition. I'm very proud of you that you had the guts to stand by your opinion. I know peers can exert a lot of pressure within a clique, but you shouldn't let yourself be pushed into anything."
"How do I know when the time is right for...for the, uhm, the first time?"
Good question. How does one know the time is right to turn a relationship into an intimate one? As if Scully was an expert. The many years it took her to finally allow romance into her friendship with Mulder hardly qualify as a benchmark. She contemplates a moment, gathering the right words to explain what she thinks is important.
"First of all, you need to be with the right person."
"I love Luke."
"Love isn't everything. You also need to trust him. Sex takes a relationship to a whole new level, Emily. It means giving yourself to someone. You grant the other person access to your soul. You render yourself vulnerable."
The girl furrows her brow for a moment before she speaks, but then the words flow out of her.
"I do trust Luke. I know he wouldn't take advantage of me. Never. I have no doubts he would treat me well. And when we are together...erm, you know...and we kiss...I get all dizzy and I want...I...want..."
"To be as close to him as possible?"
"Mmm, yes."
Scully hums, taken in by the image of the girl sitting in front of her, her baby girl, making out with a young man. She shakes the thought off to be able to continue.
"You have to feel comfortable when you think about it. You can be nervous and even self-conscious, but not uncomfortable. It's important you do it because you want it and not because someone tells you you have to. Losing your virginity is a personal choice, and it's yours alone."
"Luke would never talk me into anything. He loves me. He would never want me to be uncomfortable. Ever."
Scully is touched by the infinite trust the teenager has in the love to her boyfriend, still so inexperienced and innocent when it comes to the matters of the heart that she is oblivious to the circumstance that a once beloved person can indeed turn into someone who is able and willing to hurt. Puppy love is the sweetest and purest kind of love. Scully remembers how she thought that her childhood sweetheart was the one and only, that she would be together with him forever, that it couldn't get any better than this; until she saw him kissing another girl, one with long legs and big boobs who was known for being easy. It would take her another fifteen years and several relationships - some better, some worse - until she met her soulmate, her perfect other.
As if Emily has read her mother's thoughts, she asks, "was dad your first?"
"What? No, uhm," Scully gulps, caught off-guard by the question. "I had been with other men before. Not that many, but a few. There was one I thought I'd spend my whole life with but then...well..." The rest of the sentence falls away.
"What happened?"
"I broke up with him. Although I loved him. I loved him a lot, but..."
It's still difficult for Scully to come to terms with her relationship with Daniel Waterston, her professor and mentor in medical school.
"He was married. He was about to leave his wife and daughter for me and I realized I couldn't base my happiness on someone else's misery. After that relationship, I needed a clear cut. Coming to D.C. and joining the FBI was a cut. A very clear and deep cut. Not many people approved of it. My family told me I was throwing away a career in medicine."
"You made a career at the FBI."
"Well, I wouldn't call it a career."
If she had fulfilled her initial assignment and debunked Mulder's work on the X-Files as she had been directed, she would have been able to climb the ladder within the FBI hierarchy probably. With her determination and stamina she might have made it up to the position of an Assistant Director or maybe even Deputy Director. There were people who told her she had what it takes to become the first female Director of the FBI. But she had never been driven by wanting a career, neither in medicine nor at the FBI. She wanted to be of service, wanted to make the world a better place, wanted to save lives. She knows she's accomplished some of these goals. She saved the girl sitting in front of her.
"But you met dad when you came to D.C."
"Mmm, eventually, yes, but it took a while. Two years. I went to the Academy first and received my training. And then, one day, I got summoned into the Section Chief's office to be assigned to work with one Fox Mulder. And, well, you're right, this particular assignment changed my life."
She doesn't tell Emily about the short time she dated Jack Willis, one of her instructors at Quantico. Rebound relationships are never meant to last and Scully still marvels that she had held on to a pattern of getting involved with powerful men who were her work superiors. Interestingly enough, the one relationship that lasted is the one with a man who treats her as an equal. Mulder thought he needed to act as her protector only at the very beginning of their partnership when her slim frame and short stature ignited his protective instinct like it used to do in almost every man. Contrary to all the others, he learned quickly that she was a fierce, tough agent capable of everything a male agent was capable of. He never looked down on her but based himself on equal footing with her from day one.
Sometimes she thinks it only took them so long to become romantically involved because she hid her soft, feminine side so well in order to become a part of the boys club that, at some point, Mulder had indeed unlearned to see the woman in her. She'd become his sexless partner, someone who had no physical needs, and, almost more importantly, wasn't to be physically desired. Why else did he react the way he did after her one-night stand with Ed Jerse if not because he was totally dumbfounded to find out she'd allowed a man to take her to bed? It only occurred to her years later that he might also have been a bit jealous, but if Mulder had really envied Jerse for the night he had spent with her, he sure hadn't expressed it openly. Ed Jerse, the worst decision she has ever made. Not the having a one-night stand part of it, but letting herself be guided by anger inflicted on her by another man. Jerse was a proxy, and it almost cost her her life.
"How was your first time with dad?"
The question hits Scully unexpectedly, her thoughts still being with Ed Jerse. "Oh brother," she groans.
"Sorry."
Emily's alarmed, contrite expression on her face speaks volumes of how she thinks she's overstepped. And it's indeed what Scully feels initially. She has never had to fathom talking with her children about her sex life, but then she realizes that she can't be the one closing off after her daughter has confided in her. Communication is a two-way street, and if she wants to have an open and honest conversation with her, she needs to be open and honest as well.
"No, it's alright. I'm really glad you came to me to talk about this, Em. I know it's not easy to talk about sex, to your mother of all people, but even if it's awkward, it's important to talk about it. Sex is a wonderful experience when it's done right, and for this to happen you have to talk about it. You have to voice what you want, when, where, how. Not to me," she raises her hands, palms up, and chuckles, "but to the person you love. Us talking could help you to loosen up a bit, so sure, I'll tell you about my first time with your father."
"O-kay," Emily replies hesitantly, dragging the 'o' to a length that indicates her discomfort.
"I won't go into too much detail, relax," Scully says with a self-conscious smile herself. "What might interest you, though, is that we waited several years."
"Several?"
Scully clears her throat. "Six almost, to be precise."
"Six years?"
"Yup."
"Why?"
"You remember the conversation we had not long ago about how you came into our lives? How I am your biological but not your birth mother?"
(A/N: this conversation can be found in part 4 of this series)
"Sure! Do you really believe I would forget a conversation like that?"
"I told you that Mulder and I weren't involved when we got married, that the initial purpose of our marriage was only for me to be able to adopt you."
"I remember that but you didn't tell me you'd known each other for six years when all of this happened."
"Almost six. Five and a half, actually."
"Six, five and a half...it's not so much of a difference, is it? It still makes me want to ask what made you wait so long."
In retrospect, it really sounds a bit weird and difficult to understand, even to Mulder and herself, but at the time, it seemed perfectly right and reasonable.
"Well, we started out as co-workers. I was assigned to your father to debunk his work, and he knew it. And I knew of his special reputation."
"Special reputation?"
"At Quantico, everybody called him Spooky Mulder."
"Haha, yeah, that sounds like a fitting nickname for him. Fox Spooky Mulder."
Emily grew up with so many bedtime stories about aliens, ghosts, sea monsters, witches, voodoo priests, and black magicians, she was invited to countless slumber parties just for the creepy stories she was able to tell.
"So you didn't want to work with dad because of his reputation?"
"Oh, I wanted to. The scientist in me was intrigued by the special cases he'd been dealing with, and, of course, I wanted to know what all the gossip was about. But most of all, I wanted to know what was behind this weird assignment of mine, why they wanted him to be reined in. And why they were using me, an inexperienced rookie, to do the deed, So, I was looking forward to working with him."
"Was he nice to you when you first met?"
"Not particularly. I sensed he was annoyed that he'd been assigned a green agent, and I was green when it came to field work, totally green. Until then, all I had done was teach forensic pathology at Quantico. He'd done his homework and had run a background check on me before we first met, so he knew I wasn't dumb. He'd even bothered to read my senior physics thesis, but I bet he thought I wasn't capable of working in the field, given my gender and my height and my lack of experience. And, of course, he was well aware of what the purpose of my assignment was. What he didn't know, not yet, was that I didn't like to be taken advantage of and that I wasn't willing to let anyone use me for their agenda. He would learn quickly," Scully adds with a smile.
"How so?"
"He dragged me to our first case in Oregon to scare me off, but I followed him with an open mind. I listened to his theories, however crazy they were, dismissed them with scientific logic wherever I could, not by simply brushing them off as spooky like he was used to. I gave him rational arguments and scientific facts, I argued with him, tried to make him consider other possibilities than the ones he'd already set his mind on. I wasn't able to convince him, but I surprised him. In a good way. He wasn't used to this unbiased approach of mine, and I guess it impressed him."
"So he began to like you although he didn't want to."
"We solved the case and I made it clear that fulfilling other people's ambiguous goals wasn't my way of doing things. He started to believe me when I said I wanted to make this partnership really work. He realized he could trust me, and so he opened up to me. He told me all about Samantha's abduction that first night in Oregon. That says a lot."
"A lot lot. I mean, mom, his sister's abduction is his most personal childhood trauma. I bet he'd been laughed at whenever he told this story, so opening up to you about it even though he hardly knew you must have been a big deal for him."
"I guess he knew I wouldn't laugh at him. And of course, I didn't. Quite the contrary. I felt so sorry for him. I sensed how much this loss had influenced his whole life, how it had made him so unyielding in his effort to find the truth. I wanted to be a good partner to him, to help him find what he was looking for."
"And dad noticed your intentions were good."
"So it seemed, yes. We became a good team, very successful. The solve rate of the department we worked for skyrocketed."
"The infamous X-Files."
Emily has heard one story or two about the weird cases her parents had been dealing with.
"Yes, the infamous X-Files. We were outsiders within the Bureau and it melded us together. We relied on each other completely and spent a lot of time together. He transitioned from being my partner to being my confidant, best friend, and somehow unnoticed, at some point in time, I had fallen in love with him."
"And the whole process took you six years? Uh, sorry, almost six years?"
Her daughter's laconic ridicule elicits an amused chuckle from Scully.
"No, the falling in love took less than that, it was the realizing that took this long, or let's say, the admitting to myself, the having the courage to stand by my feelings. By the way, your father wasn't any better at this."
"What kept you from accepting your feelings and...uh...erm..."
"Sleeping with each other?"
The teenager nods, her cheeks blushing.
"Our professional attitude, our work ethic, and our search for the truth. There were people inside and outside the Bureau who would have used an intimate relationship against us. We would have made ourselves vulnerable, would have presented our Achilles' heel to our enemies on a silver platter. The work was too important to us to risk anything."
"More important than your love?"
"Not necessarily more important, but important enough not to throw everything overboard and dive head first into a romantic relationship. We showed our feelings for each other in other ways. Your father went all the way to Antarctica to rescue me from a perilous situation, for example, and I once refused to disclose his whereabouts in front of a government committee and went to prison for it. For a long time, that was enough for us. We were like...I don't know what to call it...platonic lovers maybe."
"Platonic lovers? Does something like this even exist? It sounds weird."
"In our case it did. Our companionship and our camaraderie were sacred to us. I would say we knew each other better than most married couples. We definitely spent more time with each other than most married couples, and not a few of our fellow agents thought we acted like a married couple. We were called Mr. and Mrs. Spooky, not in a well-meant way."
Scully remembers the office pool run by one of their colleagues: whoever foretold the day they would make their entanglement official, would earn a fortune. It still gives her some kind of satisfaction that they never made anything official, so the money probably has never been distributed. She also remembers the whispering at the coffee machine and abrupt silence whenever either Mulder or she came by to get a cup of coffee. The looks, the smirks, the gestures that were exchanged behind their backs. It only welded them closer together. It was them against the rest of the world.
"Was there no physical attraction between you? I mean you were two healthy adults, didn't you have like...needs?"
Oh, the tension. Scully still feels it in every fiber of her being. There was so much electricity in the room with Mulder and her sometimes, she was surprised they never caused a blow-up because of the sparks flaring between them.
"Yes, there was, and it was a challenge sometimes, but you know, some things are worth the wait."
Emily sighs. "Oh come on, mom, that's such a trite common phrase."
"It isn't trite, not at all. You are waiting."
"It's different with me. I'm a teenager. I've been together with Luke for a few months only, but you were...I mean, all grown-up and experienced and stuff."
"Still, becoming intimate should never be rushed into. It's something you can't undo, Emily. If you sleep with someone, you cross a line and the coordinate system of the relationship is shifted forever. You can't go back to how it was before."
"Is that why dad and you waited so long?"
The teenager shakes her head, still marveling.
"Partly, yes. We didn't know if we would still be able to work together afterward, if it would cloud our judgment. Plus, I mean, if you fantasize about something for so long, at a certain point, you get anxious if the real thing will fulfill your expectations."
"Did it?"
A nervous cough escapes Scully's throat. Has she really been asked by her teenage daughter to tell her about the first night she spent with Mulder? It surpassed her fantasies, actually. It was a spiritual experience almost. The way they completed each other, the way Mulder worshipped her body, the pleasure they gave each other. They were both so insecure and so certain at the same time, exhausted from bottling up their feelings for each other for so long but equally desperate to finally cross the line they had been pushing ahead of themselves. Scully remembers she felt simultaneously like laughing and crying when Mulder and she were coming together, the sweetest pleasure washing over her like a tidal wave but also a sadness when she realized what they had been denying themselves for so long. That night Scully knew for certain that she would never love someone else in her whole life like she loved Mulder.
The x-rated images of that memorable first time buzzing around Scully's head led to a reaction of her pulse: it has accelerated considerably, pushing the blood through her system all the way up to her cheeks she feels blushing. Remarkable how this single, long passed night still affects her. She's so distracted by her own wandering mind, which doesn't stop taking her on a stroll down memory lane, that she barely notices Emily's hand bobbing up and down in front of her eyes.
"Yoohoo, earth to mom! Are you still with me?"
"Oh...ah...erm, yes. I'm here," Scully manages to force out, her voice an octave higher than it usually is. "I, uh...I was just, uhm..."
"Reminiscing?" the girl asks with a sheepish grin. She isn't a kid anymore, she most certainly has an idea what her mother has been thinking of.
Scully pulls herself together to form a full sentence, trying to hide how arousing those sweet memories have been. If Mulder was here, he would get a kick out of her bodily reaction. "I was thinking about how to answer your question, Emily," she's finally able to supply somewhat composed.
"Uh-huh," the girl replies, obviously not buying it.
It's the truth though, even if, admittedly, only half of it. Scully was looking for the right words to tell Emily how first times can indeed live up to the imagination, but then her thoughts strayed off a little. Of course, she won't share any of it with her daughter, too many intimate details won't do any good. So she shakes off the remains of her dreaminess and brings herself back to the reality of the here and now. There is another important piece of advice for life she wants to pass on.
"First times are never easy, no matter how experienced you are. They make you nervous and they can be awkward. The very first time can hurt a little, there might even be some bleeding, but it's harmless and totally normal."
Emily nods, avoiding her mother's eyes. Now that they've come back to her forthcoming experience, embarrassment gets the better of her again, but Scully has a few more important things to tell her.
"And you know that you can say 'no' any time, don't you? Even when you've already started. Don't let a man tell you you have to go through with it because you promised. It's your body, and you decide what happens to it. If Luke truly loves you, he will respect your decision."
Scully gets another silent nod from her daughter, who keeps staring at the hands in her lap, her cheeks crimson red and her earlobes hot; the same physical reaction her mother experienced some minutes before.
"And protect yourselves. Always insist on a condom, Emily. Do you know how to put it on? If you want me to show-"
"Mom!"
Scully throws her hands up in the air in an apologetic gesture. "Just saying. Don't rely on the boy for protection, that's what I mean. You are responsible for your own body. You are the one who gets pregnant, and you would have to deal with a social disease."
"I won't get pregnant, and I won't get AIDS."
A bit of annoyance shines through the answer as if it was totally superfluous for Scully to be explaining this, but the doctor in her continues undeterred.
"There are far more sexually transmitted diseases than just AIDS, honey."
"Relax, mom, I have this covered. Theoretically, I mean."
"Good." Now it's Scully's turn to tuck the rogue strand of hair behind Emily's ear as it has fallen out and she doesn't want her daughter hiding behind it. "Any more questions?"
"Not right now. Thanks, mom."
Emily exhales loudly, obviously relieved this conversation is approaching its end. The situation has been difficult and more than awkward for her, but when she looks at her mother, her grateful smile is evidence of her high appreciation.
"Really, mom, I don't think any of my friends' mothers would have stayed as cool as you about this...erm, matter."
Cool? She has appeared cool? Scully is a little proud of herself that she has been able to hide the mixture of emotions invading her mind for the last twenty minutes. She wasn't cool, not at all. She was uncomfortable, at least at the beginning, anxious if she would be able to find the right words and tone, overwhelmed that the little girl she had adopted at the age of three has grown into a young woman who is thinking of having sex, but also immensely grateful for their solid, trustful mother-daughter-relationship that allowed Emily to confide in her with a matter so personal and intimate.
They beam at each other and Scully spreads her arms to invite Emily into an embrace. The girl willingly places her chin on her mother's shoulder and mumbles, "you're the best mom I can imagine."
"Always here for you."
"I know."
When Scully pulls her even closer, Emily disentangles herself from the grasp, much to Scully's chagrin as she wouldn't have minded remaining in that position for a little while longer. Since her kids became teenagers, hugging and cuddling have become far less frequent, and she misses it.
"Actually, there is one more question I'd like to ask you."
"Yes?"
"What did dad do to finally get some?"
"Please, what?"
"How did he manage to get you to bed?"
"What kind of language is this, young lady?"
"Don't veer off, mom! What move of his made you toss your silly rules aside eventually and do it?"
"Those rules weren't silly, not at all. They were the foundation of a professional work ethic."
"Jeez, mom, good girls go to heaven, it's the naughty ones who have all the fun," the girl recites.
Scully can't believe what she's hearing. Her daughter truly wants to know how her parents ended up in bed? Never in a million years had she thought of telling that particular detail of the story, but then again, why shouldn't she let her daughter understand that women don't have to wait for things to happen just because they are women? That if she wants something bad enough, she should become active and get herself what she wants.
"Very well, then you might be relieved to learn that your mother hasn't always been a good girl."
There is a lot of innuendo in Scully's voice but her facial expression is completely blank. It does the trick, Emily is enticed. The girl scoots a little closer to her mother, leans toward her and whispers as if she's expecting to be told a secret, "no?"
"No," is Scully's taciturn reply.
"Aaaannd?" she girl nudges gently, curious down to the tips of her hair.
Scully enjoys the impatient look Emily is throwing her and just purses her lips. When she thinks back to that life-altering night, to how she thought 'now or never' after she had woken up on Mulder's couch, alone, covered by an itchy blanket, missing him terribly beside her, she's glad to this very day that she had the guts to go through with what her heart told her to do, with what her heart had been longing to do for she hadn't known how long.
"It was me who initiated our first time. I slipped under your father's sheets on my own accord."
"No," Emily yelps, "you didn't!"
It sounds like she doesn't believe her mother, but her wide, sparkling eyes reflect excitement and admiration, not indignation.
"I had wanted to for a long time, and there was a night, I made it happen."
"Ooooh, you did!" the girl shrieks, completely enthused by now.
"He wasn't expecting me at all, and I caught him completely off-guard, I can tell you that much."
"Haha, I can imagine. The irresistible Fox Mulder seduced by a woman, who would have thought? Did it hurt his male pride?"
"Actually no, it didn't. He was being really sweet, asked me a million times if I was really sure, if he was doing it right, if I had any doubts, if he should stop...ugh...he was being so damn cautious and chivalrous, so keen on not overdoing anything, that I lost my patience eventually and told him to shut the fuck up and make love to me."
Emily gasps in feigned shock. "Mom! Language!" The girl underlines her mockery by putting on a stern face which eventually makes them both laugh. It takes them a while to recompose themselves, the reversed roles of mother and daughter being too funny. It's Emily who resumes their conversation.
"I'm impressed, mom. Really. I didn't know you could be so brazen."
Scully has also shaken off the merriment and is back to earnestness when she says, "I wasn't being brazen, Em. I just voiced what I wanted. I was an emancipated woman, I didn't have to wait for the object of my desire to make a pass at me, I could make the first step as well. I was in love with someone, I wanted to be with him, he might have never gotten in gear, and I wasn't willing to wait even a single day longer, so I acted."
"So you're saying that it's important to let the other person know what you want. To tell them, or show them."
"First, you have to make sure you know what you want, Emily. If you want to have sex with someone, Luke at some point in time or some other guy, or maybe a girl, that's fine. It's a natural need. If you love someone, you want to be together with them as close as you can, and it can't get any closer than that, physically and emotionally. There's nothing wrong with it as long as everyone involved is acting responsibly."
"Dad and you really are a perfect match," Emily raves, animated by what she has heard and witnessed over the years.
The way her parents interact with each other, how they respect each other, complement each other, is remarkable. They are not always of the same opinion, especially when it comes to their work, but they always listen to the other, take each other seriously. They are two strong characters, but they are equals, that's maybe what impresses Emily the most. She's seen the relationships of her friends' parents, where the one who earns more money gets to have the say in the house, where the sole duty of stay-at-home-moms seems to be pleasing their husbands, where women give up their professional ambitions for the sake of their families. Nothing of this sort has ever happened in the Mulder-Scully-household, demonstrated merely by the fact that her mother has kept her name after the marriage, and that her father calls her Scully to this very day. Emily wants a relationship just like her parents' for herself and she's aware that they've set the benchmark very high.
"When I see you and dad, I know what to wait for, mom."
Scully can't but gape at her daughter. Sure, as parents, Mulder and she raise their children also by living the values they preach and putting them into practice themselves, but Scully has never consciously contemplated that the way they interact with each other as a couple has an impact on her children as well, that their relationship serves as a guiding concept for Emily and William when it comes to their own personal relationships.
"Honestly, you're my role models. I mean, the way you love and care for each other, respect each other...I hope I will find a love like this someday."
"Of course, you will! Somewhere out there there is someone who will love you exactly the way you deserve, Em. You just have to be patient and wait for that person to cross your path."
"Patient, huh?" The girl lets that sink in for a moment before she continues. "You said before you met dad you'd been together with a man who proposed to you. How did you know you had to turn him down? How did you know he wasn't the one for you, that your true match was still out there, and you just had to be patient until you meet him?"
"I didn't, honey. How was I to know what the future held for me? I just felt this marriage wasn't something I wanted for my life. I didn't want to take a man away from his wife and daughter, and I trusted my feelings."
"So you broke up with him not knowing if you would ever find someone else. It could've been a terrible mistake."
"Could've. You can never be sure where your decisions take you, Em. You have to do what you believe is right for you in a given moment and just hope it leads you where you want to go. You have to have faith in yourself and your decisions, whether they be for or against something or someone."
"Have you ever wondered what your life would've been like if you had married that other guy?"
Scully smiles for a moment, walking down memory lane again.
"I spoke to Mulder about it once, shortly before we became involved. I had met Daniel by coincidence and he asked what it was I wanted in my life. It made me contemplate."
"And jump in dad's bed," Emily deadpans.
"Emily Abigail Mulder, stop speaking to your mother like this!"
"O-oh, middle name...stage I warning. Sorry, mom, but knowing that you seduced dad instead of the other way around is just so..."
"So?"
"Never mind. You didn't answer my question. Have you ever thought about how your life would've turned out if you had accepted the proposal?"
Scully lets her thoughts run free for a moment. Her future with Daniel had been quite foreseeable. Maybe it had been part of what made her choose a different path.
"I would've stayed in medicine, cardiology probably. Daniel was a well-known heart surgeon and he had plans for my career. I was very young when he proposed, had just graduated from med school, it would've been too early for me to have kids, but somewhere along the road, I guess, we would've tried for a baby. We would've moved to the suburbs into a house with a garden for the kids to play. Probably."
"Sounds pretty good."
"Well, there's no reason to believe a life with Daniel wouldn't have been happy or fulfilled, but..." Scully's voice fails thinking of it, "God, what I would've missed."
She closes her eyes and random images are bouncing off the insides of her eyelids: Mulder, the Flukeman, Mulder, Duane Barry, their basement office, Padgett, Mulder, the Cigarette Smoking Man, Mulder's couch, Super Soldiers, Mulder in a coffin, an ultrasound of a baby boy, William, Emily, Mulder...
"I would've missed a whole life with Mulder. I would've missed having William and you. I've been to a few dark places in this life, very dark places, but it was worth it. It was worth everything. I couldn't be any happier than I am."
Emily goes quiet for a beat before she mumbles, "wow, thanks for telling me all of this, mom."
"You're welcome, sweetheart. There's nothing we can't talk about, please never forget that. My door is always open."
Scully cups her daughter's cheek, she then rubs the wrinkle over her eyebrow away gently with her fingertip.
"I think there's some homework I need to do," Emily seems to remember all of a sudden.
Scully hums and nods acquiescently. She knows this is an attempt to finally end the conversation, and she won't torture her daughter by prolonging their chat. Instead, she offers, "if you need any help."
"It's for the psychology class. I'll ask dad."
"Okay."
"I'll let you finish your autopsy report."
"Thank you."
"I guess you want to get it done before dinner."
"Yes, that would be nice."
"What are we going to have for dinner?"
"Pasta Primavera."
"Great. Need any help?"
"No, thanks. I've already prepared everything, all I'll need to do is throw it together. Go and get your homework done, I'll call you when dinner is ready."
"Okay, then, " Emily says but doesn't get up. As if she can't decide to leave.
"There's absolutely no need for this to turn awkward now, Emily," Scully helps her out. "We've had a good adult conversation, but now that it's over, we can go back to normal."
"You aren't going to think differently of me from now on?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Because I asked you about...you know..."
"Sex," Scully names it for her daughter once again who still seems to be hesitant to use the word, at least in front of her mother.
"Yeah."
"My little Emily has grown into a young woman and I'm immensely grateful for having been allowed to watch you get older and more mature, to accompany you on your journey through life, or at least parts of it. I consider it a gift, sweetheart. And no matter how old you are, even if you're a mother yourself one day, you'll always be my baby girl, my daughter I'm so terribly proud of."
"And you will always be my mom. My smart mom I know I can ask about anything. Matters of the heart," she puts one hand to her chest over her own heart, and then, tilting her head in direction of Scully's computer, she grins and adds, "and of all other bodily organs. Speaking of which, what is this report about?"
Scully turns her head to cast a glance at the screen herself.
"Oh, uhm, the lungs. This person died of a mysterious lung disease we haven't been able to identify yet."
Both women rise from the couch now. The topic of their conversation has changed for good, and they're both fine with it.
"But you're going to find the cause," Emily says, knowing this doesn't need to be phrased as a question.
"Of course."
Turning on her heel, the teenager parrots, "of course," a slight smile tugging at the corners of her mouth when she leaves the room.
Scully looks after her, also smiling. She gets back to her computer, tucks her hair behind her ears while sitting down and puts her reading glasses back onto her nose.
"Okay, Mister Shroud, let's find out what made your lungs collapse. I'm sure it wasn't a virus from outer space but something very earthly, no matter what Mulder believes."
It only takes half a minute for Scully to bury herself back deeply into the scientific mystery in front of her. The subject of her daughter having sex sometime in the near future might have vanished from her working mind, but the fulfilling sentiment of motherhood remains in her subconscious. She's a mother of two wonderful children, and despite the worries and the fears for them she will always have to deal with, no matter how old her kids are, it's moments like these she's immensely grateful that after all the terrible things Mulder and she had been through, life, at least, hadn't begrudged them parenthood. It has been and continues to be their most exciting journey.