When Kakashi awoke, he found himself bound tightly by two strong arms wrapped around his chest, holding his own arms like a straightjacket. He quickly realized that he was laying in his bed, though he didn't know how he got there. If the arms that were tightening around him every time he struggled were any indication, Gai had carried him here. He smiled as he scooted closer to the man, feeling his scent envelop him. He heard a light grunt of approval from the Beast, and tilted his head to see if he was awake, but couldn't see his face. If he was awake, he was certainly in no hurry to move or speak, which would be unusual for Gai, so Kakashi assumed he was still asleep.
Though the fact that he was immobilized went against everything his shinobi training had ever taught him, he couldn't bring himself to feel uncomfortable or scared. In fact, it was quite the opposite: Kakashi knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had never been safer than when he was here, in Gai's arms.
He closed his eyes to catch another hour or two of sleep, before he felt Gai's fingers start to trace light lines down his biceps. He realized he must have been mistaken about Gai being asleep, as the movements were very clearly defined and not the slowly-forming movements of someone who's just woken from a peaceful slumber. "Are you awake?" the Beast asked quietly. Kakashi just nodded, not wanting to ruin the peace of their moment.
Gai sighed peacefully, his arms tightening briefly around Kakashi, causing the smaller man to smile like a mad fool. He had never felt so content or at peace in his life, and he wished it never had to end. But, like all good things in his life, it never lasted as long as he wanted.
He felt Gai's arms start to unwind from around him, and though he clung to the strong biceps, Gai was successful in pulling away. Kakashi was turned so that he was facing Gai, and draped an arm around the man's broad hips, still needing that contact though he could tell that Gai wanted to have a serious conversation.
"Kakashi…" Gai paused, his hand reaching out to stroke the side of his lover's face. "We need to talk about this…"
Kakashi sighed. "I know. Just… not now, please?"
Gai looked at him skeptically. He hadn't been friends with the Copy Ninja for nearly 20 years without learning that he was a master procrastinator. "Then when?"
Kakashi sighed again, knowing he'd been caught. "Tonight… over dinner. Just… can we just have this? Right now? Just enjoy it?" In case things don't go well tonight. The words were left unsaid, but Gai could feel them aching in his chest.
Gai let out a deep breath, and smiled at his love. "Okay. Tonight." He pulled Kakashi into his arms with a gentle kiss, pulling back to smile brilliantly at him before they settled back in and drifted back to sleep in each other's arms.
xXx
That night, Gai and Kakashi found themselves at a nice sushi restaurant. Gai wanted to discuss their situation right away, but Kakashi managed to wheedle him into taking a walk in the park after dinner and discussing it there, claiming that 'a nice place like this is hardly the place to discuss such intimate matters'. Gai had gotten irritated with Kakashi's continued procrastination, but knowing as stubborn as he was, he knew he'd get that conversation after this, one way or another, so he'd let it go. They had an enjoyable evening, talking and smiling coyly at each other throughout the meal as Gai's foot rubbed absentmindedly against Kakashi's ankle under the table.
As soon as they paid and left, however, an awkward silence fell over the pair as they automatically directed their feet towards the park for the aforementioned promised conversation. Gai wasn't sure how to start the conversation without scaring Kakashi away, and Kakashi didn't want to have it at all, so he was no help. Eventually, Gai broke the silence as they were walking over the small wooden bridge over the creek that divided the park in half.
Stopping to stare out over the water, watching the way the moonlight played over the gentle waves, he sighed. "Kakashi, you know we have to talk about this."
He chanced a glance over to his rival to see the man was as stone-faced as ever. He couldn't say he was surprised. "I don't know that that's something I know at all, Gai."
Gai rolled his eyes, turning his body to face his lover. "Look, Kakashi, I know that loving someone is scary. I denied my feelings for you for so long because I was too afraid to recognize them for what they were. I'm still a little afraid of them. Afraid you don't feel the same, afraid that even if you do, our line of work will take you from me all too soon. Afraid that it's not enough… there are many reasons to be afraid, Kakashi, but none of them are good enough to deny ourselves what we want."
Kakashi turned to him, sneering. "And who's to say that's what I want? Who's to say I didn't just want to see what it would be like to fuck a guy, and you were convenient."
Gai let out a deep breath, trying to conceal the hurt that was welling inside him. "Kakashi, you said yourself, there's more to this than curiosity. We're attracted to each other…"
"Who cares? We're shinobi, Gai. It's not like we get a choice in anything in our lives. Why should our partner be any different." Kakashi didn't look at Gai, pointedly ignoring the wounded look on the other man's face. He continued quietly. "Look, Gai, I'm sorry. What we've been doing is fun, but… that's all it can be. I can't have more."
Gai quickly stashed the hurt to mope over later. "What do you mean you can't, Kakashi? I'm offering you more! I'm offering you everything!" he said, louder than he had planned.
Kakashi glared at him, his voice low. "I mean, I can't. I can't risk it."
Gai groaned, his head falling back in frustration. "Kakashi, we're shinobi; we face life and death situations every day without batting an eye, but our emotions are something that are absolutely terrifying to us. I get that…"
Kakashi still wouldn't look at him, and his voice hinted at a dangerous tone. "Do you, Gai? Do you get it? Do you get that I've lost everyone I ever loved?! That they're all gone, and they left me alone?! Do you get that I would hate you if you did, too?"
Gai's eyes widened, and he stared at Kakashi's tense back, looked to the pale hands clenched into fists at his side. "Kakashi…" he whispered, taking a step forward and reaching for Kakashi's shoulder. "I would never leave you, you know that…"
"They didn't want to, either…" Kakashi bit out. Gai's hand stopped its journey inches from making contact with his lover's body. "The people I love die, and I'll never forgive myself if I lose you, too. It would be my fault… It's always my fault…" Kakashi whispered, his voice tortured.
"Kakashi…" Gai said, reverently. He reached for Kakashi's shoulder again, but Kakashi pulled away.
"No, Gai. I can't. Especially with you. I mean, your 'greatest jutsu' is suicide, plain and simple. Why can't you see that I just can't take that risk? You talk about our jobs taking me from you too soon one day? You act like we both don't know for a goddamn fact that you're gonna die in a blaze of glory one day protecting someone you love, and leave me alone again?! I've never denied your feelings or your friendship because I don't think you're good enough, Gai. I just can't overlook the fact that you have an expiration date, and it's much more likely to come sooner rather than later. I can't fall in love with you, just to lose you in the blink of an eye. I… I just… I'm gonna go… I'll see you around…" With that, Kakashi walked off, forcing himself not to look back at the man that he couldn't admit,even to himself, that he had already fallen for. He wandered aimlessly, his feet tracing the familiar path, and before long, he found himself in front of the memorial stone. He sighed as he looked at it, sat down on the ground before it, and searched for the three names illuminated by the light of the pale moon.
"Well, guys… what am I supposed to do now? I know you'd have something to tell me, sensei… and I could really use some of your positivity, Rin. Hell, even the swift kick in the ass you'd give me would be appreciated, Obito…" He chuckled, but his face quickly sobered. He was so lost in thought that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching.
"So it's true then… the rumors." Kakashi jumped at the sudden appearance of the voice, and a scowl overtook his face. He did not like to be surprised, and he was in a bad mood already.
"Where the hell did you come from?" he growled.
The blond laughed, blue eyes sparkling as he sat. "I was walking through the park when I heard you and Gai-sensei coming. I like walking through the village at night… it's peaceful." The blond smiled wistfully, before shaking himself from his thoughts. "Anyway, it sounded like you might like some privacy, so I…"
"Spied on us?" Kakashi supplied irritably.
Naruto chuckled embarrassedly, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well, I didn't mean to, believe it… it's just that you two were in my way of going home… I didn't want to interrupt you, it seemed like the conversation you were having was important. I tried not to listen, but… I heard enough."
Kakashi sighed, then laughed humorlessly. "Well, that's what I get for having a private conversation outside in a ninja village, I guess."
Naruto blushed, and laughed again. His face quickly gained a serious quality, though, and he took a deep breath. "Look, sensei, I know it's none of my business…" Kakashi's eyebrow raised, and he prepared to lecture the boy on holding his tongue when his speech wasn't needed. After all, he was a ninja… discretion was a job requirement (and of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that the boy might say something he didn't want to hear). Unfortunately for him, Naruto beat him to it.
"I think you're being an idiot!" Naruto said, flinching away and closing his eyes as though he was afraid of retaliation. When nothing happened, he opened his eyes, and saw his sensei staring wide-eyed at him. He quickly backtracked. "I… I mean, you're a genius and all, but… it's pretty obvious that you love Gai-sensei," Naruto continued quietly. "Why are you trying to fight that? Why push him away when he can make you happy?
Kakashi heaved a sigh, turning back to the stone. "Naruto, you're still young… you don't understand. The people I love die. And I can't lose anyone else…"
Naruto didn't even hesitate. "But, you love me, right? And Sakura… and Sasuke, and Sai. I mean, sure, not like that , but you do. And whether or not you tell him, you love Gai. So, going by your logic, Gai is in danger anyway, we all are… Wouldn't you rather get to be happy with him, if he's going to die anyway?"
Kakashi said nothing, astonished by the wisdom the boy espoused. Apparently, those two years with Jiraiya really had taught him something. Before Kakashi could speak, however, he continued. "Plus, it's not your fault, ya know? I mean, I know it feels like that sometimes, but… but it's not. We live a hard life, us ninja, and it's full of pain and death. Honestly, what good are we really doing ourselves if we don't take the good, along with the bad? Yeah, it hurts when we lose people, but I know I'd rather have the memories… That way, it's kinda like they're always with you, ya know?"
Kakashi turned and stared incredulously at his student, who was leaning back on his arms, his eyes closed and face upturned toward the night sky. If Kakashi didn't know any better, he'd swear he was sitting here with his sensei himself. Naruto's words made sense, but… "I'm afraid…" he whispered. He didn't mean to say it, but the words just slipped out
Naruto didn't seem surprised. "Yeah, I think that's how ya know it's big… When you're afraid, that means you have a lot to lose. But… the more scared you are, the bigger the payout will be." Naruto sat up straight, nodding his head confidently.
Kakashi just stared. "How can you be so sure of that?" He cursed himself for sounding like a teenager, but Naruto's confidence was just so persuasive, he couldn't help but be drawn in.
Naruto shrugged, laughing. "Dunno, I just am. I guess I just think that nothing worth having was ever easily attained."
Kakashi stared, speechless, thinking over what Naruto had said. His student watched him for a minute, then stood and grinned. "Well, I'm beat… Thanks for talking with me, sensei…" he called over his shoulder as he headed back towards the village.
Kakashi just stared after him, unable to stop repeating Naruto's words in his head. Could it be that Naruto was right? But… what if Kakashi listened to him, and he wasn't? Kakashi sighed, and fell back on the ground in a defeated huff. He had a lot of thinking to do.