I apologize for my small disappearance. I came down with a nasty case of "I know what I want to happen, but my fingers and brain are not cooperating with each other" and school got all kinds of crazy (welcome to the life of a college student). I hadn't found any solid time to get any adequate writing done. Good news is that I'm on Spring Break and I'll have 10-ish free days. I'm hoping to get a least two chapters written in that time, but I make no promises because I feel like whenever I become concrete about something, life has a way of being like "just kidding... here are twenty more things you have to deal with."
I also apologize for making you all wait so long for an update, only for this update to be rather boring, especially when compared to the last few chapters. It's all stuff that's necessary to the plot and I wish I could have made it more...exciting, although I did try. I struggled so much with this chapter, which I feel like I say that a lot. Moment of truth, I'm an extremely insecure writer. And putting my work out there for people to read..it's scary. Hopefully y'all still enjoy it!
P.S. Only 3 chapters + an epilogue left!
"Okay, so I bought three different pregnancy tests. I read somewhere that you should always take more than one. You know, just in case you get a false positive. Although, I also read that you should always confirm a pregnancy with a doctor, just to be absolutely sure," Brooke rattled off as she sailed into the kitchen, depositing the convenience store bag she was carrying onto the counter.
Lydia kinked a brow and swallowed down her sip of coffee. "That was a very nice gesture, Brooke, but I'm afraid that those tests are going to be pretty useless right now. It takes a couple of weeks to…process."
"I knew that."
Haley groaned as she plopped her head down on the counter. The marble felt good against her heated skin. Her mind was racing with wild thoughts and the panic was heavy in her chest. With everything else going on in her and Nathan's life, the last thing they needed was a pregnancy. Nathan was going to lose his mind…
Maybe she was just jumping the gun. Maybe she got lucky and she wasn't pregnant. It was only a one-time thing. But what if that one-time thing was all that she needed? She always knew that she eventually wanted to be a mom, but not now. And Nathan…they never even talked about kids. They were too young to have those kinds of conversations, weren't they? But what if he didn't want kids? What if….
She was going to be sick.
Haley jumped when she felt a pair of hands begin to rub her shoulders. Her mom's voice came next, her tone soft and reassuring.
"Haley Bob, there's no reason to stress right now. There's no guarantee that you're pregnant."
"There's no guarantee that I'm not either," Haley choked out, her voice barely peeking out from where she was resting her head.
"You can't stress about something when there's nothing to stress over," Lydia reminded her. "We aren't dealing with you being late or experiencing any other symptoms. If those things happen, then we'll worry about it."
Haley lifted her head. Her eyes were rimmed red with unshed tears. Deep down in the rational part of her brain, she knew her mom was right. The overactive part of her brain was in overdrive, more so than usual. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. The only clear thing she could focus on was her panic. How else was she supposed to act when her and Nathan's life could change on a dime?
It was such a bad time for something like this to happen, especially with the danger of Damien gunning after Nathan.
"I can't be pregnant, mom. I just can't."
Her voice was strained and her throat hurt as she fought to keep the tears at bay. She felt like a mess like she couldn't keep her emotions in check. She chalked it up to temporary insanity, with everything that she had to deal with the past few weeks erupting at the surface.
"Everything's going to be okay, sweetie," Lydia continued to soothe. "Whether you end up pregnant or not, we'll figure it all out. One step at a time."
Haley exhaled slowly, hiccupping at the end of her breath. She wished that her mom's words would help calm her down, but if anything, they only made her stomach churn even more. She wished that she could find out whether or not she was pregnant…now. The wait was surely going to kill her.
"In the meantime, I would probably talk to Nathan," Lydia said.
Haley could feel her insides cringing. It hadn't crossed her mind to discuss this with him…until or unless there was something to discuss.
"I don't want to worry him," Haley answered quietly.
"You don't want to just spring it on him, Haley. Trust me. It's better, to be honest up front," Lydia said sternly and Haley knew that she wasn't in any position to argue. How the hell was she supposed to start that conversation?
Once Lydia left the kitchen, Brooke slid into the seat next to Haley. Putting a hand on her shoulder, Brooke gave her a reassuring squeeze.
"I had a pregnancy scare once," Brooke murmured after a couple of moments of silence.
Haley popped her head up. "Really?"
Brooke nodded and smiled comfortingly. "It was about a year after Julian and I started dating. I was late, and I'm never late. I took eight pregnancy tests…no exaggeration."
Haley forced a dry laugh. "Why so many?"
Brooke pursed her lips. "The first one was negative and I had to be sure, so I took another one. Well, that one ended up being positive. In the end, I had four positives and four negatives."
Despite herself, Haley let out a quiet giggle. "That's insane."
Brooke nodded in affirmation. "It was scary. So, in a way, I kind of know how you feel. Your whole life…it flashes in front of your eyes. All of those dreams you made when you were a little girl, all of your future plans…they all hit you at once. But the thing that really gets you is that when you find out you aren't pregnant, after the initial breath of relief, there's a twinge of disappointment. That's when you know what you really want."
The corner of Haley's mouth pulled downward at the sullen quality Brooke's voice had taken on. "Sounds like you were really disappointed, huh?"
Brooke shook her head. "I wouldn't necessarily say that. It was just the first time that I realized what I wanted my future to be like. It was the first time that I realized I didn't want my future to be with Julian."
She paused and scrunched her nose. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. That's not fair to you."
Haley dismissed that thought quickly. She needed something to take her mind off things, "The less I have to think about me, the better."
"Is there something else going on, Haley?" Brooke questioned, eyeing her curiously. Understandably, Haley seems stressed, but she seems extra keyed up like there was more to her fears than she was letting on.
It was on the tip of Haley's tongue. She so badly wanted to tell someone about Damien, not to gossip or to spread Nathan's business, but to get a different perspective. To get help.
Instead, she just shook her head. "No."
~x~
Haley's hands anxiously twisted her hands together as she waited for Nathan to open his front door. Her heart was banging against her ribcage like the wings of a trapped bird. In her head, she kept rehearsing what she was going to say to him, down to the letter.
Was she overreacting?
Before she had time to really think about that, Nathan's front door swung open. Her reason for coming there was momentarily forgotten as her eyes trailed over Nathan. He was in nothing but a pair of black athletic shorts. His hair was still wet, droplets of water slipping off the thick strands. A dark gray towel was draped around his neck.
"Sorry, I was in the shower," Nathan explained as he opened the door wider and motioned for her to come in. He didn't look the slightest bit surprised to see her there.
Biting her lip, she crossed the threshold and stuffed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. All of her recited words seemed to have escaped her mind and now she wasn't sure how to begin, especially when she realized that there was something different about Nathan. He seemed lighter almost—his eyes brighter and his face more relaxed.
"Can we talk?" Haley blurted out, choosing to just rip the Band-Aid off.
Nathan's eyebrows furrowed at the jittery clip in her voice.
"Yeah, okay. Let me just put a shirt on."
Haley followed Nathan into his room and watched as he tossed the towel into the laundry basket and slipped a white t-shirt over his head.
"You should probably sit down for this," Haley mumbled softly.
"Hales, baby, you're starting to make me nervous," Nathan chuckled uneasily as he plopped down on his bed.
Every part of her body seemed taut with anxiety. She was chewing harshly on the inside of her cheek and couldn't stop fidgeting. His stomach knotted up with his own bout of anxiety and every worst-case-scenario thought his brain could conjure up hit him at once. Haley was always the more level-headed one out of the two of them, and to see her crumbling…
Maybe she realized that he was way too fucked up and she couldn't be with him anymore.
"Last night," Haley started shakily. She just had to get the words out all at once. "When we were together, we weren't protected."
Nathan experienced a brief moment of relief before the confusion set in. His memory of the previous night wasn't the clearest, a direct result of the emotional turmoil he had put himself through. The only thing that was crystal clear was that he felt free after telling Haley everything. She knew every torrid detail about him, and she didn't go running for the hills.
Them being together…it all happened so fast and so naturally. He didn't stop to think because the only thing on his mind was being with her. A consolidation and testament to solidify the difference between the person he was before her and the person he is now because of her.
"I know that there's no guarantee that I'm going to be…p-pregnant." She could barely get that word past her lips without her stomach clenching painfully. Nathan's blank expression wasn't helping soothe her, either. "I know that it's not like the first time you screw up…boom, you're pregnant. But I also don't want to be naïve about this, either. I know we have a lot going on, with Damien…"
Haley's voice faded away as she continued her rant of fears and concerns. Her words sunk in slowly at first but then hit him like a ton of bricks. There was a tightness in his chest, mostly from panic, but there was something else that he couldn't place. He could feel the pace of his breathing increase exponentially, but words failed him.
Nathan never gave much thought to being a father. To be frank, he didn't think he'd live long enough to be put in a situation where the topic of having kids would arise.
Now that he actually thought about it…he was terrified. Most days he struggled to take care of himself, he couldn't imagine taking care of someone…tinier and completely dependent on him. He couldn't provide an adequate life for a child, not when he was so fucked up and had a past that would most likely always haunt him. Besides, he'd make a terrible parent, corrupting his child in every way humanly possible.
When he felt like his chest was going to cave in and his head was going to explode, he looked up at Haley. She was pacing the length of his bedroom, the same fear that he felt coursing through his veins evident on her face. Of course, she was scared, probably more so than he was, and he suddenly felt like a selfish bastard for only being concerned about what having a child would do to him.
But that's not what had his breath hitching in his throat.
Looking at her brought him a peculiar wave of calmness like she was the answer to every single one of his problems. In most cases, she was. Call it temporary insanity or something out of a fairytale…but looking at her allowed him to breathe easily again.
Unlike him, Haley would make an amazing parent. That was something he was absolutely sure of. She was warm, caring, and nurturing by nature. With her by his side, Nathan was confident that no matter what, he'd be just fine.
"I'd be okay with it," Nathan found himself saying, and he meant it.
Haley stopped dead in her tracks and her eyes stretched in size. "What?"
Dragging his sweaty palms along his thighs, Nathan ascended from his bed and closed the distance between them. He cradled her face in the palms of his hands, using the pads of his thumbs to trace her heated cheeks and rid them of panic-induced tears. The fear in her eyes sliced through him and he hoped to God that his words would help soothe her, even if it was just a little bit.
"If you were pregnant, I'd be okay with it," He repeated, his voice much more confident than it was moments prior. "I'd be more than okay with it. I'd be with you every step of the way."
Haley stared at him in awe. For a moment, she considered that her mind was playing tricks on her and that he had imagined his calm words. All it took was one look in his eyes, which were warm and more open than she'd ever seen them, for her to squelch that idea. He was serious. She wasn't exactly sure what she expected Nathan to say, but it wasn't this. It wasn't that she thought lowly of him, because God she didn't, but with everything else he had going on…she expected him to be more panicky. He was handling the notion a lot better than she initially did.
"I'm not going to lie and say that it wouldn't scare me to death because it would. I don't think I'd be any good at being a parent and my life is nothing short of being a total disaster. But with you…," He pauses to take a breath. "With you…nothing seems impossible. You're my future, Haley James. I want everything with you."
A fresh batch of tears filled her eyes as she twined her arms around his neck. Haley pressed her lips to his in a soft kiss. "I love you."
He pulled her closer so that her head was resting in the crook of his neck. He trailed his fingers down her back in soothing strokes. "I love you, too. We'll figure it out, I promise."
Haley's shoulders relaxed as if the weight of the world had just slipped off them. The seed of panic, albeit still present, was no longer consuming her. Just being in Nathan's arms was enough to placate her. A small smile graced her face as she pulled away just slightly.
"We switched roles," Haley said lightly. "Usually I'm the one consoling you or telling you that everything is going to be okay."
A half-hearted smirk appeared on Nathan's face. "I figured it was time for me to start picking up the slack."
Closing her eyes, she laid her head back on his chest and let the rhythm of his heartbeat relax her. If she concentrated hard enough, she could almost swear it was saying "everything's going to be okay." For a split second, she almost believed that it would be. But they still had one gigantic problem.
"Speaking of figuring things out together," Haley mumbled, interrupting the silence. "I think we should bring all of our friends up to speed."
She felt Nathan tense beneath her. The hands that were rubbing her back paused in their movements. He backed away from her, the colors in his eyes hardening.
"What do you mean?" He asked gravely.
Haley took a deep breath before explaining. "I think that if we're going to find a way to free you from Damien, we're going to need all the help we can get. Strength in numbers."
Nathan detached himself from Haley and shook his head. "I can't have anyone getting hurt because of me. My worst fear was getting you involved in this and…"
When trailed off, Haley grabbed both of his hands. She expected him to say something like that. Things with Nathan were push-and-pull. When he lowered his guard in one aspect, he raised it in another. She knew that now. But she wasn't going to let him shut down again.
"You're not alone, Nathan," She echoed her words from the previous night. "And I hope one day you're no longer shocked when you hear that. You don't have to go through this by yourself and I'm not going to allow you to. Neither is your brother or your friends."
He could see the determination in her eyes and any articulate response he had to that had become lodged in his throat. "I…I don't know."
Releasing one of his hands, Haley reached up to caress his cheek. "You've been through far too much on your own. Let us help you."
His eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into her touch. His voice was strained as she struggled to speak. "I'll never forgive myself if something happens to you. Or any of my friends."
"Nothing is going to happen to us," Haley declared. "I promise."
~x~
Brooke and Peyton remained silent. Their eyes were wide and their expression completely dumbfounded. Nathan had just spent the last half hour filling Brooke and Peyton in about Damien. Surprisingly, he didn't have much trouble getting the words out. It helped that they both seemed to pretty open-minded as he told his story. There were no judging glances or disappointed huffs.
There was a tightening in his chest, but he found that if he kept his eyes focused on Haley, it was barely noticeable. Jake and Lucas being there also helped keep him calm.
"That…that makes so much sense," Brooke mumbled more to herself than to the group. "Julian was so hypersensitive around you and I knew about what happened to his sister…but before now, it just never made sense."
Haley looped her arm through Nathan's when she saw him visibly tense. Delicately, she ran the palm of her hand up and down his arm. If she listened close enough, she swore she could hear him grinding his teeth.
"Damien's a real son of a bitch," Peyton laughed bitterly.
Nathan only nodded silently.
"Have you talked to the police at all?" Brooke questioned.
Nathan shook his head. "I can't. Not yet. I tried to get more evidence against him, but that ended up blowing up in my face, as you know."
"There has to be something we can do," Jake spoke up. "This sitting around and waiting for something to pop up or for Damien to make a mistake obviously isn't working."
"I can't keep living like this," Nathan said painfully. "He has this hold on me and I can't take it anymore. I know that asking you guys to get involved is a lot and I completely understand if you want nothing to do with this…or me."
Haley blinked back the tears burning in her eyes. Nathan sounded at his wit's end it broke her heart. No one deserved to go through something like this, but especially someone like Nathan.
"No. I think I speak for all of us when I say we want to help," Brooke reassured Nathan and everyone agreed.
"There has to be something that he wants," Lucas broke his silence. "Damien, he's a businessman—a drug dealer—but a businessman nonetheless. There has to be some way that we can work out some deal with him or trap him into some deal that would provide us with enough leverage to get the police involved."
"Obviously Nathan paying back all that money is off the table, at this point," Jake grumbled. "Not that I think giving him thousands of dollars would get rid of him for good anyway. He's like a fucking leech."
Nathan ran a hand over his rugged features, his jaw clicking. "There's only one other thing I can think of that he wants…and that's Haley."
A chill ran down her spine and she involuntarily clutched on to Nathan's arm even tighter. The thought of being anywhere near Damien made her skin crawl. But it also struck her with an idea and it might just be their only hope.
"Then let's give him what he wants," Haley declared.