Genesis 18

Supergod and two angels accompanied Abraham to his tent. Sarah hurriedly put together a meal.

"You will bear a child, Sarah. I can do anything!"

Sarah laughed nervously before realizing her mistake. "I—"

"You laughed."

"No, Boss, I—"

"Yes, you did!"

Foolish Sarah was silenced, but luckily The Amazing Supergod's fury was focused elsewhere for now. He had decided to investigate rumors of Sodom. Where they truly dens of debauchery and homosexuality? Supergod hated all pointless sex that doesn't create new servants. Supergod wondered if He should tell Abram of His designs. After all, Lot, Abram's beloved nephew, still resided in Sin City.

Considering what Abram had been through, Supergod decided to show a little trust. "Abram, these two angels will go to Sodom to check if the rumors are true. If they are, well... It'll be a fun day for Me."

Abraham's loins still hurt. He feared the Boss, but he could not forget this innocent nephew whom he had promised to protect.

"Boss, might I suggest, that as judge of the world, You might consider, just a thought, but wouldn't it look bad, You see, if You killed all the good folks in Sodom?"

Supergod sat in silence. "Continue."

"Well, Boss, if fifty good men were in the town, say, then, well, perhaps You could spare it for their sake?"

"Very good Abraham, an excellent idea, I, Supergod, greatest of all gods, do so promise in My mercy to spare the town if I find fifty good men inside."

"Right, yes, great my Boss. But, and I know I'm just dirt to You, but what if, say, forty-five good men are inside, then—"

"Yes, yes, fine, I'll spare the town if I find forty-five good men."

"Indeed, Supergod." Abraham was staggered by Supergod's stubbornness. "But, and please don't be angry, but You see, what if it's thirty?"

"Fine, yes, thirty."

"Or twenty? You see, it's not the exact number that—"

"Okay, I'll spare the town if there are twenty good men."

"But... then... it could be ten..."

"Excellent, ten it is. This was a great talk, thank you." And with that He left, determined to find only nine good men.

Abraham prayed to whatever gods listened.

Genesis 19

When the angels set foot into Sodom they were dumbstruck by the wickedness. Open drunkenness and naked swaying! Is this what men did when ignoring their duty to Supergod?

Lot saw the two angels, and thinking them humble travelers, quickly rushed them into his home. "It's not safe to be out a night. That's the time of dastardly deeds."

But the men of Sodom had seen the handsome angels and surrounded Lot's home. "Give us the men and you'll be safe!"

"These are my guests and I will not. Please show reason. I have two virgin daughters that you could take instead."

Lot's daughters protested furiously, but Lot was always told to care of guests and Lot was a man who cared more for rules than for their justice.

The mob just sneered. "You mugs better open up the door right now or we're going to lay down some serious pain!"

As Lot wondered who else he could sacrifice, the angels thrust out their arms in an impossible direction. Right into the fourth dimension, the axis of obfuscation! Without warning, the mob became totally blind! "We're blind, damn it! We can't see our prizes! Let's go home, boys!"

The angels spoke to the speechless Lot, "this place has got to go. We're going to crush it. You helped us out so we'll help you. You better get your daughters' husbands and get out!"

So Lot went to his sons in law and told them his tale. But they could not keep a straight face. "Get out of town? Old man, your straightedge lifestyle must have driven you mad! This is Sin City and we'll never leave over your crazy superstitions!"

Lot returned to his home a failure and slept terribly as the town continued their never ending party. The next morning the angels were perplexed to see him still in town. "Get out, you fool, you're running out of time!"

Lot stood still, divided between his duty to Supergod and his duty to his sons in law. Finally the frustrated angels took him by the hand and led him and his family to safety. "Keep going! Head for safety!"

With Lot's family safely out of the way, the Boss and the angels burst into green flames. They walked throughout the town, eerily quiet, spreading the unnatural fire. Whoever saw the pale green light would instantly turn to salt! Lot's wife, looking back in fear, was one such unfortunate victim. Lot and his daughters reached Zoar, but none of their spouses made it. It was enough to drive mere mortals mad.

And Lot's troubles weren't over yet. The people of Zoar treated Lot with suspicion, being the last man alive from Sin City. They thought him cursed and cast him out. "Go to the hills where witches and wizards belong!"

So Lot lived the rest of his days in a cave. His daughters were distraught. Before they had planned for a family, and now they lived alone in a moldy cave. They reasoned poorly. "They say happiness comes from childbirth, and the only man that doesn't fear us is our father."

So one night, mad with loneliness, they got him drunk and slept with him, each giving birth to a son. Moab and Ammon. These boys went on to sire nations.

That is how the Moabites and the Ammonites got their treacherous and vile nature.

Genesis 20

We return to our hero, who has just learned of Lot's tragic circumstances.

Abraham was depressed. Being Supergod's chosen was not at all what he expected it to be. He decided to reclaim former glory, a taste of the heady days when everything seemed so full of possibilities. Before strange visions and vile marks... And before his dear nephew was driven into a cave.

He went to the kingdom of Gerar and told everyone Sarah was his sister. In no time King Abimelech, who was known to see beauty in older women, took Sarah as his wife, showering Abraham with riches.

When the king tried to consummate his marriage something deep in the pit of his stomach stopped him. "What crazy nonsense is this? Am I becoming too old for sex?"

That night as he slept, the palace shook and dogs howled. The Amazing Supergod appeared to him in his dream and screamed, "why do you steal the wife of My chosen! Don't you know I'll kill you for this? Perhaps you think Me weak? Well then, I bet you'll be surprised to know I've sewn up every womb in this palace. Your lineage is dead. No more babies will be born here!"

The king wept in ways a king rarely must. "Please, Supergod, I thought Abraham was her brother! I paid him fairly and... and to my shame I couldn't even sleep with her!"

Supergod burst out laughing. "I know that, you dolt. Who do you think kept you from sleeping with her? I was just showing you My immense power. Clearly I overdid it for a coward like you. Now return Abraham his wife."

King Abimelech awoke in a wet bed. He rushed to Abraham. "Take your wife and take some more cattle, more slaves, whatever you want. Just answer me this. Why did you lie to me? Why curse my nation?"

Remaining cool, Abraham gleefully recited his punchline. He'd been kicking himself for not saying it last time. "My name is Abraham and I'm the greatest man to ever live. I don't lie. Sarah is my half-sister!" And he laughed and laughed.

Abraham decided to stay a while in Gerar. He collected much loot and told Supergod to reopen the women's wombs. The people feared and respected him.

It almost made him happy.

Genesis 21

The Amazing Supergod's dazzling spellcraft allowed Sarah to finally give birth. Her laughter filled the tent. "Who would have thought it possible? An old woman like me siring nations!" That is how baby Isaac got his name which means "hilarious."

As time passed and things settled she became increasingly concerned about her handmaiden Hagar and Hagar's son Ishmael. "You see the way he mocks my son? They will steal my son's inheritance right out from under us!"

Sarah demanded that Hagar and Ishmael be cast out. Abraham naturally disagreed but Supergod was on Sarah's side. "What good is Hagar to Me? Get her out of the way!"

So Hagar once again found herself in the boiling Arabian desert, this time with child in tow. She placed him under a bush so that she wouldn't have to see him die of thirst. "These are terrible times!"

But the angel of Supergod returned to Hagar after overhearing Ishmael's crying. He reminded her of his promise. "Ishmael will sire a great nation."

The angel told Hagar to close her eyes and look without seeing. Impossible! She saw a well gushing to the brim with water! Hagar lived, the child lived!

Meanwhile our hero Abraham continued to stretch his power base in the kingdom of Gerar. He promised king Abimelech loyalty in exchange for loyalty. The two formed a legendary alliance and Abraham lived like a king himself.

Genesis 22

Supergod was distraught at Abraham's focus on worldly things. "Even after witnessing My birthing spell, he still remains a lazy cynic!" Supergod decided it was prudent to test Abraham. "We'll see if he's really worthy of Me!"

"Disgusting meat!" Supergod cried out to Abraham, "I have one more quest for you. Go to the mountain top and sacrifice your son! We wish to eat well tonight!"

But Supergod was wrong to worry about Abraham. Though he hid his shame and sorrow in materialism, Abraham was completely in Supergod's thrall. Abraham had given up long ago. "As you wish, Boss."

So Abraham told his favorite son, Isaac, to prepare for the sacrifice of a goat. Isaac came to the top of the hill with wood, coal and a knife. "Where's the goat?"

"Ask Supergod," spit out Abraham.

"Father, why are you crying?"

"..."

"Father! Unhand me! Please... Dad..."

But Isaac was weak and Abraham quickly had him tied down, surrounded by wood and coal. "I have no choice." Abraham lifted the knife. His body was mechanical but his eyes spoke volumes.

A sympathetic angel rushed to the rescue! "Stop, Stop! You have proven your worth!" The angel cast a hasty spell. He took out a precious gem and threw it on the ground. In a puff of smoke it transformed into a ram! "Sacrifice that, for all that is good, surely this is enough!"

Supergod saw and concurred. "Very well. I am satisfied of your loyalty. You are to remain My chosen and sire a great nation. You may feed us the ram instead."

Abraham's joy was matched only by his rage.

Isaac was soft and anxious for the rest of his life.

Genesis 23

Sarah died and was buried. Isaac was paranoid and lonely for the rest of his life.

Genesis 24

Abraham knew his duty to Supergod would be done when he found Isaac a wife. He was eager to finish, and called his slave. "I have a task of utmost importance to you."

As was custom in those days, the slave put his hand under Abraham's thigh, close to the testicles, and swore, "I'll do exactly as you command."

"Good, you have always been my favorite slave. Now go, back to the land of my birth and find a wife for my son. There are too many Canaanites around here to find a suitable match."

"Master, what if I can't find anyone or what if they refuse to return with me, or—"

"I am Supergod's chosen. The angels will help you."

The servant was in awe of this response.

So the slave packed up his camels and went to Abraham's home town. He awkwardly hung around the well where the woman went to get water. Unsure of what to do, the slave remembered his master's words and tried to form a telepathic bond with the angels, knowing they were receptive to psychic magic. He prayed.

Unsure if anyone was listening, the red faced slave mumbled, "please, Supergod, I'll ask the woman for a drink. If one of them agrees and suggests to give water to my camels, I will know she is chosen by You!"

Rebekah, a fair virgin, was asked for a drink and felt compelled by a mystical force to water the camels. Supergod had heard the prayer! Or at least an angel or something. How could he know who heard him pray? What if a demon sent Rebekah as a devious trick? When one opens their mind to pray, who knows what dark forces seep in... The slave shook his head and wiped his mind of such thoughts.

The slave sung songs of joy and showered Rebekah with golden bracelets and nose rings, as was custom. He then asked the fateful question all young virgins dream of hearing: "can I see your father?"

Rebekah's family was ecstatic with the prospect of marrying off their daughter into the family of a rich big shot like Abraham. Rebekah was caught up in the gifts and the enthusiasm. "Let me go at once! I cannot wait to meet this great man!"

In no time, Rebekah was veiled and presented to Isaac. They went into his tent to consummate the marriage. Isaac was terribly nervous.

"This tent belong to my mother... I miss her sometimes." It was a strange thing to say. A rushed marriage brought out the worst in an already flaccid personality.

But Rebekah was charmed by his sensitivity and they made passionate love.

Genesis 25

Free from his duties, Abraham took a new wife and had many children. "Now this is what I call siring nations!"

He died in comfort, but was worried about what future Isaac would have.

There was little time to grieve for Abraham as Rebekah soon became pregnant! But something was wrong. She could feel strange rumblings in her belly. "Am I birthing a demon?"

The Amazing Supergod sprang into action. Opening His third eye He peered inside Rebekah and smiled. "You are having twins! Crazy! They are already fighting, and what a show! Oh... The youngest appears weak and will end up slave to the eldest. Guess I know who'll continue My nation's line."

The first twin to exit the womb was covered, even as a baby, in thick red hair, so they called him Esau, which means "Ugly Red."

The second twin was clutching the foot of the first, so they called him Jacob, which means "Go for the Heels."

Rebekah loved Jacob most, but she was conscious of Supergod's prophesy and didn't want to waste her love on a future slave. Gentle Isaac, on the other hand, loved Esau the most. Esau was a hunter and would feed Isaac his favorite: venison. "How can a hunter be weak?" Isaac had always been too afraid to hunt.

But Supergod was right, Esau was weak. One day Jacob was cooking a fantastic lentil soup. Esau barged into the tent and complained, "I'm starving! Give me some of the soup, bro."

"Sure, I'll give you the soup, no problem. In exchange for your birth rights as firstborn son."

Esau was weak in the mind. "What do I care, I'm about to die of hunger. Just give me the soup!"

Thus Jacob gained the title of firstborn.

Genesis 26

Famine hit the land and Isaac had not prepared. Needing another source of income, he took his family to the kingdom of Gerar, still ruled by King Abimelech. "I will do as my father did. I will tell everyone Rebekah is my sister."

As before King Abimelech was tricked and took Rebekah as his wife. However, Isaac was an amateur schemer. He was caught kissing his wife, whom he loved and missed dearly. The apple had fallen far from the tree.

King Abimelech screamed, "this again! Thank the gods we did not consummate the marriage! Why do you guys insist on cursing my nation!"

Supergod saw that Isaac had failed to gather many riches and so, siphoning the power of many earth magicians, He cast a Grow Quick Harvest spell on Isaac's farm. Now Isaac was rich with food in a time of starvation. He soon became rich in slaves and sheep as well. The angels' flow of meat continued unabated.

Even King Abimelech was forced to humble himself and sign a treaty with Isaac. "Please just leave us alone, we can't mess with The Amazing Supergod's enchantments!"

Genesis 27

Jacob, who inherited his grandfather's fondness for well-crafted schemes, kept an eye out for any opportunity to steal more from his brother, having already taken the title of first born.

Isaac was now old and infirm. He could barely see and spent his days resting in bed. He called out to Esau, "please, my favorite son, give me some of your delicious venison and I'll give you my blessing." In those days a father's blessing was a great honor because they didn't have much else to look forward to.

Rebekah overheard this outrage and immediately told Jacob, "You must get that blessing for us! I'll cook up some delicious spices and goat that you can give to your blind father, pretending to be Esau!"

"Hmm. Mother, you make me proud, but remember I am not hairy like Esau. Once he touches me he'll know."

"So we will cover you in goatskins!" And they did.

Jacob came to his ailing father, carrying stew. Goat hair covered his soft hands and neck. His father asked to feel his Esau. Groping the goat skin garments he exclaimed, "that's the big old hairy Esau I know and love!"

"Obviously, father, who else would I be? Now get on with it!"

So Jacob got his father's blessing. "You will rule over all your brothers. They are slaves to you."

When Esau returned he was outraged. Isaac tried but couldn't calm him down.

Esau swore that once Isaac died he would kill Jacob himself.

The Super family was in disarray.

Genesis 28

Isaac, like Abraham before him, was just eager to finish his duty to Supergod. He called in Jacob, now his firstborn and his blessed. "Son... You are so like my father."

"Thank you."

"Yes... It will serve you well. Being Supergod's chosen is not easy work. Now go find a wife. Not a dirty Canaanite you'll find around here, of course. Go to your Uncle Laban's farm." Isaac was being honest. The life of the Chosen is harsh. While Esau was taking his third wife (a Canaanite wife no less!), Jacob was traveling the long desert, sleeping with stones as pillows!

Jacob's dreams were interrupted by scary visions. One night he saw a large ladder. It stretched from earth all the way to the skies. Angels climbed up and down in frightening numbers, the backbone of Supergod's empire. His mind stretched as he saw more than man should see. "What does it mean? I can't understand! Please, Supergod, I beg You, just show mercy on me and I'll do as You say! I will sire a great nation, I will send more meat, just give me some peace!"

The ground below him shook and a before he knew it he was tumbling down a deep chasm. Here he saw another ladder, this one covered in abominations, descending into a fiery pit. A deep voice called to him, creating longings he never knew. His skin crawled and yet he felt... pleasure?

"Jacob, I presume?"

"Whatever you are, just let me go! I belong to Supergod!"

"You know who I am, Jacob, you just don't want to admit it."

"Satan... Let me go, you beast!"

"There is no reason to fret. You won't remember any of this."

"What do you want with me?"

"I want to humiliate Him. You just happen to be a step towards that path."

"I don't understand."

"Why would you?" With that Jacob awoke, remembering only the gateway to heaven, but retaining an ominous feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Genesis 29

Jacob arrived at his Uncle Laban's place. There he met his cousins, Leah and Rachel. Leah was fair enough but Rachel took the cake. The family rejoiced at his coming, and many chaste kisses were exchanged (as was the custom of the time). Jacob was in love.

He cornered his uncle alone. "I must marry Rachel. My father sent me to find a wife. Do not let me down!"

His uncle's eyes glittered. "This fool will do anything for love!" He told Jacob that he could marry Rachel if he worked the fields for seven years.

Jacob work tirelessly, eager to prove himself. It was hard work, and demeaning, fit for a slave—not Supergod's chosen super person! But Jacob always had a smile. He worked for love.

After seven years the uncle was sad to see him go, so he hatched a plan. On the day of the marriage, he sent Leah, not Rachel, to Jacob's tent! It was too dark to see but Jacob sensed something was wrong. "Surely this is not what it means to make love to your love!" In the morning Jacob learned the truth and complained bitterly, "the old bastard took advantage of my feelings. He out-schemed the master of schemes! How is this possible?"

His uncle cackled, "you still got married, didn't you? And besides, in our country the eldest gets married first. That's the custom, I don't make the rules." Jacob had no choice and was forced to submit to another seven years for the hand of Rachel.

This time Jacob complained daily. He would slack off and let the slaves do much of the work. Such was his fiery bitterness.

After seven long years, Rachel was finally in Jacob's well-lit tent. "Now that's what love feels like!"

Leah was not impressed, but she did have a crucial advantage. She was having many children, whereas Rachel was barren. With each new child, four in total, Leah's gloating increased. "My sister, the barren witch, soon it'll be me he loves and not you!"

Genesis 30

Rachel went mad with baby desire and sibling hate. "I will die if I can't have a son!"

She gave Jacob her handmaiden to sleep with. "This slave will bear children for me! She will give birth in between my knees so all will know the kids are mine!"

Overwhelmed with duty and lust, Jacob could not say no to Rachel's proposal. "But I'll feel guilty about it."

Rachel became a proud mother of two children.

Not to be outdone, Leah gave her own handmaiden for Jacob to use, producing two more spawn of her own! Unlike Sarah, neither woman regretted their decision. Children of Laban learned drive and determination. They were both dead-set on beating their stupid sister.

At this time Leah was losing favor with Jacob, who had far too many choices at nights. One of her sons, Reuben, had a gift in herbalism and grew wondrous mandrakes, highly prized in those times. She took some to Rachel and said, "I'll give you these for your nights with Jacob." As Rachel was barren and loved flowers, she readily agreed.

Leah had three more children.

Getting desperate, Rachel turned to Supergod, though she was wary, fearing any wish granted would come with unintended consequences like the fabled monkey's paw. But Supergod required more marked humans to rule and so He gave her a son, Joseph.

Meanwhile, Jacob, who was no longer blinded by love, was planning revenge. He told his uncle that he wanted to leave and predictably his uncle begged him to stay, knowing Supergod's chosen was a great boon to any farm. "The tables have turned. The fool is blinded by his love of me," mused Jacob.

"Dear uncle, you have been good to me, but I really must go. I have a family of my own, and have already done much work for you... Unpaid, I might add."

"Of course." Uncle Laban did not like this conversation at all. "Well, if you must go..."

"I'm glad you understand, and of course you will agree to a modest fee for my services."

"...Of course."

"Great! The Boss came to me in a dream, you see."

"Yes... I've heard of such dreams." The uncle's voice betrayed his fear.

"He told me to take from you any cow that is born spotted or speckled, a modest proposal."

Laban was temporarily speechless, for this was modest. It made up a reasonable fraction of his cows. "Of course, Jacob. You have always been my greatest worker."

The trap was sprung.

Jacob knew of Nature Sense from his visions. He took a branch that was spotted, much like his desired cattle. Whenever the strong cows mated he placed the branch in front of them. This way the mystic synergy produced spotted children. But when the unspotted cows mated, he place no such branch. The spotted cow became stronger while the unspotted became weaker. Jacob's cows were the talk of the known world.

As his uncle sunk into poverty, Jacob became exceedingly wealthy, raking in more slaves, camels and many succulent meats for the always hungry angels.

Genesis 31

Jacob gathered together his family to flee. "We can't stay here much longer, he's onto us!"

Laban was off fighting bandits so the super family packed up all their many goods and ran. "Quickly, quickly, he could be back any moment."

But Rachael delayed. Amidst all the slaves running here and there, herding speckled cows, she sneaked into her father's tent. Close to where he slept, Laban kept his most precious possessions. Loot from his world famous adventures. Chests of gold coins and gems, skulls of enemies and rare artifacts from before the flood. Rachel ignored them all. "Where is it?"

She ransacked the room, spilling goods haphazardly until, hidden under the finest Persian silks, she found her father's idols. "These give him power, I know it! Now they are mine and no one can stop me!" These idols were neither angel nor demon but of other gods, living in the cracks of reality, staying out of any conflict. They mostly watched. And waited.

The statues were largely useless in light of The Amazing Supergod's mastery of wizardry but Rachel, like many, overvalued her father's prowess. Or perhaps... perhaps the idol's mystic power, the mild drumming Rachel felt at the back of her skull, perhaps that is what drew her to take them. "I... I feel I'm being watched," she whispered as she quickly left the tent.

"Where were you?" demanded Jacob, but he was merely venting and didn't wait for an answer. The family and hundreds of their slaves ran off into the night.

When Laban found them gone, and his idols missing, he used the last of his dwindling resources to gather an army and shouted orders. "Hunt them down! Bring me the head of Jacob!"

The Amazing Supergod rushed to aide in the nick of time. "I am Supergod, I am bad and I am mad! Listen, fool, the uncle of the chosen is a footnote in the history I'm writing. Back off, don't threaten My human and don't make any more of your clever promises either. I'm onto your games!"

Laban was shaken. For the rest of his life he would see the angry face of Supergod whenever he was alone and the lights were out. But Laban was not deterred. "Somehow He's ruined my business and now He's stolen from under my nose! Laban is ready to rumble!"

Jacob was held up by the mass amount of goods he carried compared to Laban's lean company, so in no time the nephew and uncle stood face to face. Master Schemer versus Master Schemer.

Both men were conscious of the audience of slaves, this would require finesse. "Why did you run like a thief?"

"Like a thief? A thief!? I am Supergod's chosen, or perhaps you've forgotten."

"Oh, I know all about your Supergod." Laban trembled. "He came to me with His threats, but my honor is worth more to me than my life." The slaves ate it up. Men loved such bravado when it wasn't them on the chopping block.

"So He scared you, poor baby. The fact remains I am no thief. I am a loyal worker in spite of your unjust treatment. When I worked for you, your yield was like never before. Tell me, did a single goat miscarry while I was their shepherd? That's the power of my Nature Sense."

"I've heard your bragging before, spare me. If you are innocent why did you leave in the dead of night while I was away? I didn't even have a chance to kiss my children and grandchildren goodbye! Where is your honor?"

"Ha, a tragic tale. Men do grow so sentimental with age. Search my possessions all you want, old man, all I have is what I earned."

Laban could taste victory but was worried. "What's his scheme?" he thought. "Does he really think he can hide the idols from me? Doesn't he know they call to me?"

Jacob was similarly perplexed. "Why would I steal from this poor bastard? He knows I tricked him fair and square."

Laban's army searched all day while Jacob reassured his men. "Perhaps he's angry I stole his daughters' love?"

When the search party approached Rachel's camel, she barely reacted. But a trained eye in deception like her father's could spot a rat. "My dearest daughter, you wouldn't mind if I searched your camel's packs?"

"Why... Go right ahead, dad."

Laban found nothing. "Dearest daughter, I can't help but notice that what I seek could easily fit under the saddle upon which you seat your tiny self. Perhaps you would be willing to move?"

"Well... But... I can't! I - I - I'm on my period!"

Laban's men laughed and gagged and rolled their eyes to the backs of their heads. "Yuck, get away, get away!" Laban had no choice but to follow suit, lest he be labeled a woman.

Humiliated, Laban was forced to sign a treaty. Both men would leave the other alone. Laban had lost.

Genesis 32

As the family drew near to Esau, Jacob sent out messengers. His father had died and he knew his brother might still plan to kill. The messengers said, "Jacob returns and he is very, very rich." Esau sent his own messengers in return. "Esau marches with four hundred men to meet you." Jacob worried and dropped the coy act. He sent new messengers offering Esau explicit bribes, sheep, cows, goats, slaves, camels, gold doubloons, legendary swords encrusted with gems, and diamond statues shaped like the face of Supergod.

The reply came, "Esau marches with four hundred men to meet you."

Jacob rallied his troops and prepared his defenses. Little did our hero know he was soon to contend with an even greater foe. An epic battle, to be shouted from rooftops throughout the ages.

Supergod's chosen would face Supergod Himself.

You see, Supergod had been growing increasingly irate with Jacob. Though he had sired many, Supergod felt Jacob, like his grandfather Abraham, grew cynical, and focused only on his own aggrandizement. "Master of schemers, he calls himself. Perhaps I'm a part of his schemes? Let him scheme his way out of My fist!"

The Amazing Supergod took a deep breath. Drawing in magical essences from around Him, His muscles grew to gigantic proportions. He now had the power of a hundred ox. "Come, My angels, watch Me beat Jacob to a pulp!"

The greatest of all gods snuck up on Jacob at night and wrestled him to the ground, taunting, "what will you do now, puny human?"

But what miracle is this? Jacob was winning! Jacob's Nature Sense was matched by no man then or since! Upon being attacked, powerful Emotional Synergy Rays spread out and found the mass of animals Jacob owned. Their strength was added to his own! Bit by bit Jacob became stronger, until he had the strength of thousands of sheep, ram, ox, spotted cows and more! Supergod wailed, "I should have prepared more spells! This is not fair—I wasn't ready! It doesn't count!"

The angels couldn't believe their eyes. Even the most loyal of them smirked, and the least loyal outright cheered.

Supergod was no longer teaching Jacob a lesson. The fight became real. He tore at Jacob's thigh, dislocating the hip completely. Jacob screamed but only grew stronger! The Emotional Synergy Rays were emboldened by the pain! Jacob's leg grew mightier still, until it was twice the weight of the rest of his body!

Jacob dealt a devastating blow. A kick straight to Supergod's face, sending Him spiraling through the air. Man had won.

Such humiliation was never forgotten. To this day people do not eat the thigh muscles of animals in remembrance of this epic fight. And, of course, it is why Jacob gained a new title: Israel, which means "God Kicker."

Every time Supergod hears the name He is reminded of His worst moment. Utter shame fills His soul. But Supergod is not one to live forever with His head down. He took to heart the lessons of that day. "I must never be caught unawares. I will practice My spellcraft, I will cast the best wards, I will consult the best experts on all known forms of magic, and discover even more unknown! I will be omnipotent and they will all know fear."

Genesis 33

"If only I had better control over my Nature Sense," thought Jacob as he stood facing Esau's army. "I would love to kick this army like I kicked Supergod!" Jacob knew his win was a fluke and still feared the large force of men that wanted him dead.

He had no choice but to parlay. He bowed down to his brother seven times, as was custom. But Jacob was surprised (almost as much as when he had defeated Supergod) when Esau ran up and hugged him! "Brother, how wonderful to see you. And your children, I can't believe my eyes. They look so much like you, and this one like father. Oh, this is so wonderful! Why did you insult me by offering bribes? You know my home is yours."

Jacob's heart was warmed. With all the insanity of his life, the love of a brother, love he did not deserve, was a rush of simple pleasure.

Jacob's reason was often overtaken by emotion, but there were many who whispered the truth when no one could hear: "Esau fears the God Kicker."