Gnome Elder's Pet Hamsters: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 1

"Is there anything around here that I can use to defend myself angainst these cretins?"

Cheshire looked thoughtful for a moment. "The Gnome Elder had a cage full of pet hamsters that he carried everywhere with him in case Card Guards showed up."

"And just what good is a cage full of hamsters going to do me if Card Guards show up?"

"You have to see what they do to realize that a cage full of hamsters can be your best friends in Wonderland. Let's go find them. The Gnome Elder probably left his pets behind when he saw a full squad of Card Guards coming down the road toward his house. Nobody's seen him for days."

"Well, then, let's go feed his pets. They're probably hungry and thirsty by now."

Cheshire led me to the Gnome Elder's little house and had me crawl in the front door.

"Good thing you're such a stick. If your hips had even the slightest bit of width to them, you'd never make it inside a gnome house."

"Thanks for reminding me that I have no shape, Cat. Rub it in. You're no glamour puss yourself."

The Gnome Elder's pet hamsters were in a standard-sized cage, but there were five of them packed in there. There was no door. Four of them were asleep. One was staring at me.

"Wake up guys! Someone's come to get us!"

Holy fuck. Talking hamsters.

I looked straight into the doorless cage. "You guys hungry or thirsty?"

"We've been getting our own, but thanks for asking. Haven't had any Card Guard lately, though."

"You guys eat Card Guards?"

"Well, not exactly eat..."

"Never mind. Want to come along with Cheshire and me?" I suddenly remembered that cats might like the taste of hamster. I smacked my hand against my forehead.

The hamsters knew what I was thinking. "Don't worry!" said the one that was awake. "Cheshire's an old pal of ours. He knows better than to think of eating one of us. I don't think anything in Wonderland wants to eat one of us!"

I had no idea why these hamsters were special, but I was about to find out.

Cheshire burst into the room. "Alice, Card Guards coming down the roadway! Five of them!"

I grabbed the cage and knelt down to exit the door and run.

"Forget running, Alice!" said Cheshire. "With these guys we don't have to run!" Cheshire looked me straight in the eye and said in the most dramatic tone he could muster, "RELEASE THE HAMSTERS!"

"What?" I stammered.

Cheshire grabbed the cage and kicked the gnome house's front door open. "Do your thing, guys!" he whispered.

The one hamster that was awake poked all of his buddies and shouted, "Fresh meat, guys! Let's go!"

The hamsters leapt out of the cage and bounded down the road toward the startled Card Guards like a pack of starving wolves. I had never seen anything like it.

"HAMSTERS!" screamed a Card Guard. "RUN YOU FOOLS!"

The five hamsters bounding down the road quickly caught up with the Card Guards. Oh, it was a horrible sight. Card Guards screaming. Hamsters leaping. Card Guards knocked down. Hamsters flipping the Card Guards on their backs. Hamsters swan diving...

The hamsters dived into the Card Guards' assholes and squirmed their way up through the Card Guards' digestive systems. The Card Guards writhed on the ground and howled like the two idiot Card Guards who dropped into the slime in the creekbed. In a moment it was all over. Our five heroic hamsters crawled out of the Card Guards mouths and fluffed themselves like birds who had just had a refreshing bath.

"YEAH, BABY! THAT WAS GOOD GUARD!" shouted one hamster. The hamsters came bounding back and bounced back into the cage. One hung up a sign.

"DO NOT DISTURB"

"That never gets old," said Cheshire with his classic grin.

I looked at Cheshire. "That is the coolest thing I've seen since Gryphon ripped one of the Jabberwock's eyeballs out!" It truly was. Sure beat the hell out of Demon Dice.