Chapter 4 INTERNAL BATTLE

Snape looked dour. Though Snape always wore this expression, thinking of several hours ago him leaving the classroom without permission, Draco felt a little unsure, after all they were not dismissed at the time.

"Follow me. Your mother wants to meet you."

"Sorry, but what...?" Alarmed, Draco hurried after Snape, still skeptical about this, "How has she got in-the school is securely guarded now, and even parcels are checked."

"Of course I have my way. Narcissa is so worried that she might fall ill if she cannot see you. I promised Lucius that I would take care of you and I will keep my word." Snape explained lamely. "And about that task, have you made any progress?"

Awaken from the small joy to meet his mother, Draco felt a thrill of guilty and panic. "Yes, professor, everything goes smoothly." He answered rapidly.

"If you have any problem, you can seek me out and I will help you with all my might."

"Thank you, professor."

Snape said no more and the two arrived at his office in silence. The moment Draco pushed the door open, he saw Narcissa jump to her feet and rush across the room, tears rolling in her blue eyes.

"Draco! Oh...Severus, thank you."

"Take your time." Snape nodded at her, closing the door.

Narcissa cupped his face, sighing over his bloodshot eyes and pinched look. Holding her son in her arms heartily, she inquired even the most trivial things of his life until the boy protested with a red face.

"It's so good to see you are well," she wiped her tears and sat down on the sofa beside the fireplace, "Almost every night I dreamed of you being hurt or being exposed and arrested...Draco, I was so worried."

"I'm alright and I will be careful. Mother, please have faith in me."

"Surely I have faith in you and I am proud of you, but this is too dangerous. It's not a task to be accomplished by a sixteen year old-"

"No! He chose me!" Draco raised his voice to boost his morale; he could not afford the risk to be suspected, "I can do it, mother. You have no need to worry. Everything is going as planned. Father will support this too!" He stared at his mother, conveying a warning when referring to his father.

Narcissa covered her face and wept. "I have lost Lucius and I can't risk losing you, Draco. Should anything happen to you..."

Draco paused for a moment, and then embraced his mother clumsily. "You will not lose me, and after I finish this task, father will come back."

Narcissa just shook her head, holding her son, tears running down silently. After a short pause, there was a knock outside the door.

"You need to hurry up, Narcissa. I only applied for a forty-minute connection of the floo." Snape urged outside.

"It's alright." Narcissa wiped her tears away and whispered in Draco's ear, "though I cannot visit you frequently, I will figure out some ways to help you."

Draco was startled. "You don't need to-"

"Don't worry. I will be cautious not to expose myself or affect you." Narcissa smiled reassuringly, "I have asked Severus. It won't be long before your first Hogsmeade weekend. Don't go out on that day and stay in the Common Room. It's even better if you stay with your classmates so they can testify for you-"

"Mother, what are you planning to do? You can't just come out and people will recognize you!"

"Be assured. I will not do it myself. I persuaded Bella-"

"What? She's a most wanted convict! And she absolutely can't resist doing something exciting. Maybe she will conjure the Dark Mark-She must not show up in Hogsmeade!" Draco was nearly yelling now, totally in a panic at this time.

"Bella promised me that she wouldn't do what was uncalled for. Besides, she's powerful enough not to be discovered."

Draco stopped her anxiously, still trying to dissuade her from the risky plan. Narcissa rose from the sofa, opened the door and welcomed Snape inside.

"Severus, thank you so much. I must be leaving now."

Snape quirked his lips courteously. "Goodbye Narcissa. I wish you a sound sleep tonight."

She smiled, kissed Draco once more on the forehead and then walked into the fireplace, disappearing in the green flames.

Draco knew he must be looking terrible, but he was in such a mess that he did not have the effort to compose himself. Therefore, he said goodbye to Snape stiffly, pretended not to have heard his questions and returned back to the Slytherin Common Room.

About ten students formed four circles, conversing softly or reading quietly. Blaise was flirting with a fourth year girl in a corner. Catching his appearance, the boy jumped up from the girl and walked over laughing. "Draco, I heard Gryffindor's Keeper is-you look terrible-what happened?"

Draco managed his typical sneer. "Nothing. Just tired."

XXX

One week flied. Draco continued to study efficiently every day, spending more and more time in the library, in an effort to allay the struggle and anxiety in his heart by engrossing himself in paper and spells.

Unfortunately, there was no progress, neither in Vanishing Cabinet nor in the first Hogsmeade weekend. He knew at heart who Aunt Bellatrix was, the most loyal servant of the Dark Lord and the most qualified Death Eater. It was possible that she could contain the savage beast in her heart when faced with a bunch of defenseless Hogwarts students, but what about Potter?

Draco's hand began to tremble. As a fanatic follower, Bellatrix regarded Potter the most unforgivable person in the world, who once defeated her beloved lord and deprived him of his body. If she spotted Potter, she apparently would throw him a dozen Crucios. Well, maybe not, after all the Dark Lord repeatedly claimed that Potter was his own whose life must be concluded by he himself. Bella might not kill Potter, but how about his two inseparable companions? She would not hesitate to generously cast two Killing Curses while laughing out loud. Draco felt his fingertips turning cold, an ineffable dread chilling him to the marrow of his bones. As if being crushed by great stones, he was unable to breathe.

Ingredients analysis of Elixir to Induce Euphoria. He tried to concentrate on his paper and quickly listed the ingredients on the parchment, illustrating how they could induce a state of euphoria, although he himself had not felt even happy since long.

Persuading them out of going to Hogsmeade? As if they would believe him. They might even think he was up to something and would prevent him more zealously. Knocking them out? Impossible. Potter was now securely guarded, and you could not do anything to him without alarming Dumbledore. Nevertheless, if he went to Hogsmeade, whatever happened there would render him most suspicious, especially when his father was jailed in Azakaban. Any excuse could lead him to not being able to return to Hogwarts, and at that time not only him but also the whole family were at the disposal of the Dark Lord's wrath.

Draco put down his quill and turned to the thick reference book, fingers gliding over series of botanic names, looking for the ingrediants that needed to be commented.

Even if he went there, what could he do? Aunt Bella would not become harmless because of him, nor could he help them in a palpable manner. Once the secret in his heart was sensed, even only a little, it would merely draw danger to her and to himself. This was the resolve he made one year ago when he admitted defeat.

Draco's fingers paused on the page. He had been in this dilemma for nearly ten days. So fatigued he was by the huge pressure, anxiety and agony that his eyes began to blur. He looked hard to comprehend the small and crowded letters, trying to converting them to his paper.

Someone snatched the book away from him.

"Draco you need to take a rest. It seems as though you will faint in no time." Blaise peered at him worriedly, "You look pale as a ghost. The paper is not due and you can save it until later. Why not take a nap?"

"Why are you here in a library?" He replied impatiently, rubbing his eyebrows and controlling his ill temper.

"Perhaps you failed to notice that you missed lunch again!" The boy also cried out of patience and won a stern glaire from Ms. Pince. He then lowered his voice and said: "You look bad lately. What's wrong?"

Draco turned his eyes away. "I'm fine," came the curt answer.

"You have nothing to do with fine by all definition!" Blaise was not sacred by his restrained anger, "You don't even permit Crabbe and Goyle to keep you company, not to mention you have become incredibly diligent. They told me yesterday that you might want to finish with them due to what happened at the end of last semester. Okay, these are immaterial, but look at you: you've got dark circles around the eyes! I really cannot believe that you should allow this sort of things on your face."

Amazed at the rare harangue, Draco did not know whether he should be moved or annoyed. Slytherins were accustomed to relationships in a certain distance. Even a friend would not meddle in others' private affairs, for the one being cared for usually did not appreciate this help. Feeling the suppressed emotions turning explosive, Draco thought maybe a good quarrel was a good idea.

Imperious mask on face, Draco approached Blaise, ready to requite the unwanted care when a girl clutching an armful of books appeared from behind the bookshelves.

Seeing two Slytherins confronting each other, Hermione paused in embarrassment.

"What are you doing here, Granger?" Draco growled. He then turned and fixed on Blaise instead, whose tall body amazingly shrunk under his glare.

"I am looking for a book and this is not your family library, Malfoy, if you fail to realize." She retorted quickly. When she saw the book One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi on his desk, she pursed her lips in frustration. "All right, now that you found it first..." She glowered at Draco, deciding to stay away from him, but was nearly knocked down by something thrown in her face.

"Take that silly book and get lost. Don't you dare to infect us with your foul odor." Seeing the boy who had hit her with One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi squinting at her coldly, Hermione's hair grew more fluffy in indignation. She held tight her books, rushed head high into another row of bookshelves with and disappeared.

Draco's fists loosened. He stood there emotionlessly, his head hung down. The violent emotion that was to explode just now dissolved the instant he saw her, only a sense of helpless remaining and flowing all over him.

"Draco..."

"...Do I really have dark circles?"

"Seriously dark circles indeed!" Seeing Draco not so angry anymore, Blaise stressed. He took out a silver lunch box from his bag and handed it over. "I have brought you something to eat. Take it and return to the dorm right now-I'll take your bag."

"Thanks." Draco stood up, feeling dizzy due to hunger and tiredness.

"Tomorrow is the first trip of the term to Hogsmeade. You should go with me for a change. You really pushed yourself too hard recently."

Draco's hand stopped on the doorknob of the library door, a wry smile settling on his face. "You are too nosy today, so I am not prepared to see you tomorrow." He replied drily.

Tomorrow...How I wish tomorrow would never come...

At this thought Draco climbed onto his bed and was unconscious instantly. Several seconds ticking by, he was awoken by blinding sunshine and annoying clamor.

"Draco, we are heading for Hogsmeade. Get up now." Blaise said cautiously.

Oh no... He rolled over and then sat up, his body warmed up in a deep sleep stiffening at once. He sat still for a few minutes, until he was pressed by Blaise to get dressed. Later dragging his feet he followed the crowds out of Slytherin Common Room.

"I think I had better not go. I need more sleep." He was not going to face the difficult choice.

"You slept from three o'clock yesterday afternoon to this morning, is that not enough?"

"I still feel too tired, and I have some books to read..."

"That only makes you feel worse, Draco. Let's take a break in Hogsmeade and go grab something." Determined to separate him from any book for a while, Blaise dragged him to the oak front doors in spite of his dangerous look.

Students clustered in a long queue; McGonagal was checking off the names of people who had permission to go into Hogsmeade; Filch was triple-checking everybody with his weird Secrecy Sensor. Hogwarts was guarded more securely than ever and all the secret passages (at least those he knew) to Hogsmeade were blocked. It was impossible for him to sneak out of school.

Seeing there were only about ten students standing before him, Draco suddenly shook off Blaise's grasp and quitted the queue. He could not go. He could not risk the whole family for his ridiculous feelings. He could not upset his mother. He could not...

Draco watched an irritated Blaise being pushed out the of the school gate by the crowds, stamping and pointing at him angrily. He retreated to the door of the castle, and then saw the trio run out of it and crowd in the queue while arguing over something.

The weather was terrible with bitter wind and swirling sleet. He stood in the shadow of the magnificent door, watching Hermione's cheek glowing against snow, her lips and nose red with cold, snow flake falling on her wavy hair forming a shimmering diamond hairnet. The Gryffindor trio quickly passed the check. Weasley was rubbing his ribs where Filch jabbed him. Hermione held the two boys' arms and disappeared into the white snow.

Then there was only white snow in Draco's world. He leaned against the chilling stone wall, his expression misted in a white puff. He tried to empty his mind, yet an idea was growing and spreading ferociously: What if an intimidating Dark Mark rose above Hogsmeade soon afterwards? What if Potter sent back two dead bodies weeping and wailing? What if it was the last time he saw her?...

A whimper escaped his throat. The boy hit the wall with his fist. Please, please don't make me... He looked up and saw McGonagal rolling the list ready to leave and Filch preparing the chains to close the front doors. All the sanity he managed to maintain in the past ten days collapsed at her receding figure.

Draco jumped out of the shadow and ran to the front doors with snow covering all over him. As long as you are alive, I am ready for hell.

Author Notes:

Reviews are welcomed. Even though this is a translation and the original Chinese version is already completed, I am still not sure about some exact choice of words or some small details that I'd like to modify. Therefore, I am very happy to discuss these details with you.