This kind of feels like a good week for some Cory in The House jokes to me...
Vanessa Doofenshmirtz might seem as far away on the spectrum as possible from Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, but in truth, they probably have a lot more in common with each other than they thought. And that is, that while one was suave, gothic, seductive, mature, of European descent, and had a little evil in her, and the other was cute, fluffy, baby-faced, Mexican Jewish, and absolutely lovable, they are both absolute heartbreakers. To a dangerous point. Do not fall in love with Vanessa or Isabella. Your heart will be broken, shattered to pieces, maybe more than once. I did finally get Vanessa, but that doesn't mean she didn't leave any scars. The same thing happened to Monty Monogram. And, in all truth, Isabella may have left a few on me too.
I gently rapped my knuckles on the door of her apartment. It took a couple minutes, but then it opened, and the ever-beautiful Vanessa was standing there.
"Hey guys." She smiled.
"Hi Vanessa." Isabella said. It sounded like she was forcing herself to sound sweet. I don't think she was jealous really. I think Vanessa just gives Isabella stress. I've told her so many times she'll never have to worry about anything, but I think that's also why I tend to avoid Vanessa's fiancé.
"Come on in. Monty!" She called. Shoot.
"Vanessa…" We walked in and sat down on the couch. "We kind of had a question. That's why we came." Isabella said.
"Hey, babe, what's up?" Monty came running up to us. "Hey! You're… you're…" He was struggling for the names.
"Ferb and Isabella." I said flatly.
"Yeah, so honestly guys, we wanted to ask you… why did you invite everyone to the wedding?" Isabella exclaimed. "Ok, so Ferb and you, Vanessa, are pretty close, and I helped get you two back together, and you and Candace are friends, and then you can't leave out Phineas, but… you invited everyone! And I mean everyone!"
"Well, you're our friends!" Vanessa smiled. I gave her a look. She and Monty exchanged glances. "Ok, to be real honest guys, I just wanted as many relatively normal people as possible to come. See, Monty's family is really… weird, and mine is just goddamn crazy. And we wanted as many people as possible as a buffer to keep our dads from fighting or, like, even talking." She sighed. "So you Ferb, your group of friends is always so fun, but they don't have to come if they don't want to…"
"We'll come if we can Vanessa." I said gently. Poor Vanessa. Her family always gave her anxiety, and contrary to popular belief, Vanessa wasn't perfect; she got just as insecure as everybody else. And she wasn't asking us to do anything at all, besides attend what would probably be a really fun wedding, which I would've gone to anyway, because it was hers.
"Thank you, Ferb." She said gratefully. Isabella coughed. "And, um, thank you too, Isabella." She said, sounding more irritated.
"You're welcome." Isabella said. I rolled my eyes. "We're leaving now. Bye Vanessa. Bye Monty."
"Yeah, bye…"
"Iz-za-bell-la!" She stated.
"Right!" Monty said. "Bye!"
"He honestly has no idea who we are, does he?" I said, as we were entering our own building's elevator.
"Well, we are just a pack of idiot kids to them… and to Candace and Jeremy and Stacy and Coltrane and Jenny and…" Isabella said. "You know what, who cares? We're going to a wedding!" She squealed. "In a deluxe hotel and everything! Whoo! It's going to be so romantic!" She spun around in a circle.
I smiled, watching her. "Everything is romantic when I'm with you." I said, as the doors opened. I gently took her hand as she skipped out.
"Why, thank you, sir." She curtsied.
"After you." I swept my arm forward. She giggled and continued to skip down the hall in front of me.
"Oh, I'll have to go shopping for a new dress. All of us will. I'm so excited! Ferb, seriously, we've been waiting for this one since forever!"
"You've been waiting for Vanessa's wedding since forever?" I repeated back to her.
"Well… duh. I'm the one who set it up and now she'll finally get married. Ha!"
I nodded to myself. "Isabella, you do know you just handed me a jealousy card I could use against you, right?"
"Who cares!? Vanessa is getting married!" This was so like my Bella. She got to go to a romantic wedding, which she loved, as well as her "number one competition" was officially pulling out of the race, which she loved more.
I rolled my eyes and pushed her against my door. "You know, they're right." I whispered lightly. "We are all idiot kids."
"And again… who the fuck cares?" Isabella growled.
I dove in for her. Her hands were on my face and she eagerly opened her mouth the second our lips touched. As our tongues battled, one hand slid down and gripped my shirt. One of my hands was under her thigh and I felt it rising, until I had lifted it up and she had wrapped it around me. I ground against her and there was a whimper somewhere in the back of her mouth. The desperate desire for Isabella never ends; I suppose that's love.
Then… the door started opening. Isabella squealed. If it weren't for that leg wrapped around me, she would've fallen flat on her back, but because of that, I was able to pull her towards me as the door opened. We were lucky neither of us fell down.
"Phineas!" We both exclaimed.
"Ok… what the heck?" Phineas said, in an exhausted voice. "I was literally just opening a door. Am I not allowed to do that now?"
Isabella untangled herself from me. "Well, no, but…"
"But what, Isabella?" He asked wearily.
"Oh, Phineas, I'm sorry, I just…"
"Yeah, guys, I… I'm going out for a little." And he started walking away from us.
"Oh my god! Oh my god!" Isabella exclaimed. "Ferb!" She shook me. "We're going to drive him crazy!"
"Isabella," I sighed. "Give him a little bit of time to just relax." We walked into the apartment.
She sat down on the couch. "No, baby, I feel so guilty!" She blubbered.
I sat down next to her. "Me too." I said weakly. I hated myself. Phineas had always been so completely on board with our relationship; despite Isabella sort of being an ex, despite how much we hid and lied to him last year, and despite how much we spent wrapped up in each other now, leaving him out. Although, Isabella looks like she feels twice as guilty.
"Baby!" She hugged me. "Maybe Phineas isn't the only one who needs to relax. Lie down." I sighed and rested my head in her lap. I closed my eyes as she gently ran her nails through my hair. "My poor Ferb. And poor Phineas. Uggh, something is like, wrong with him. You don't think he's… jealous, do you?"
I opened one eye. "Jealous?" My voice went up way higher than it normally would. What am I, thirteen? That statement shouldn't have bothered me, but it does. Because there's still that part of me that refuses to let the idea that Isabella loves Phineas, or Phineas loves Isabella, or Isabella and Phineas belong together, die.
"Yeah…" Isabella suddenly seemed overcome with regret. "No, no! That's not what I meant!"
It made me want to throw up, that Isabella had this burden on her, that her first love was an obstacle in our relationship and that it bothered me. I didn't want her to carry this burden. I also didn't want her to try to live up to Vanessa or anything else. I loved my Isabella, no matter what else was involved.
She slid her hands down my shirt. "You know that's not what I meant, right?" She said, in a low, sultry voice. I gently nodded. "Ok." She returned to petting my hair. "I meant, like, jealous of our relationship. In like a lonely way."
"Isabella…" I sat up. "You don't mean…"
"Yes!" She clapped her hands together. "Phineas needs a girlfriend."
"Uggh." I laid back down grumpily.
"Humph!" She got up. "So moody." She made her way over to the other side of the couch. She got on her knees on the other pillow, and ran one hand up my shirt, one down the front of my crotch. "Is my baby mad at me?" She said softly. She unbuttoned my jeans. She continued to stroke my crotch.
I sighed to myself. "I-s-a-bella…" I pulled her on top of me. "No, my angel, no I'm not mad at you."
She started crying. Not actual tears, but panicked blubbering. "Ferb, I know I can't erase me and Phineas. And it bothers you, I know it bothers you. I don't what I can do to…"
"Oh god." I rolled my eyes. "Bella, I'm a big boy, ok? Who's the one with the girlfriend?" She weakly pointed at me. "And who's the one you're plotting to play match game with?"
"Phineas."
"Yes."
"Ok." I sat up. "Good."
"Well, jerkface, you just lost my 'special present'." She stood up to leave.
"Fuck you."
"Every day, baby. Every day." She said nonchalantly, winking as she left.
I mentioned that the only time I was not with Isabella was on boys' night. Well, tonight was boys' night. I knew she was jealous to not be included sometimes, but other times, I knew there was only so much testosterone one girl could take. As of right now, Phineas seemed completely normal, which was a good sign.
"Alright, tonight is the night where we play video games until our eyes bleed!" Buford declared loudly.
"That seems… like a really bad idea Buford." Phineas said.
"Yeah." He shrugged. "And I might have done that when I was fourteen already anyway."
"Actually…" Baljeet wrung his hands together nervously. "I was hoping for some advice from you three about something."
"What Baljeet?" Phineas asked.
"I… I…" His darker skin flushed. "I was hoping on telling Ginger I love her soon."
"Lame!" Buford exclaimed. "So her biting your head off the other day wasn't a clue that women are crazy?"
"Shut up." Baljeet said.
"Baljeet! This is great! Everyone always says you two are made for each other! She's definitely going to say 'I love you too.'" Phineas said happily.
"What the fuck do you know about love, Dinnerbell? You know, besides all the fake crap you always spew. Jeet, if you're going to talk to anyone, talk to Ferb." Buford said.
"Ferb?" Baljeet looked at me hopefully.
I smiled. "Baljeet, Ginger has been completely in love with you since we were in elementary school. In all honesty, you two have been helping us, not the other way around."
"What?" Buford asked.
"Well, remember, Ferb and Isabella did not have a typical start to a relationship." Baljeet said quietly.
"Typical start… RIGHT!" Baljeet, why did you remind him? "Right! The fuck buddy thing! They were friends-with-benefits! Oh my god, I totally forgot that's how this started, especially with you two being all cutesy all the time." Buford chuckled. I gave him a look. "You know, in all seriousness, CAN that ever work?"
"What?" Baljeet exclaimed.
"Well, dating is too much effort, and one night stands are too awkward." Buford stated.
"Ok… and who would be the girl?" Baljeet said, incredulously.
Baljeet and I waited for the answer we knew we were going to hear. "Umm… maybe Adyson?"
"Urgh." Phineas mumbled. This was obviously making him uncomfortable. There were only so many birds and bees he seemed to be able to handle. "Guys, can we do something else? I know!" He said excitedly. "Let's go down to the lake and build a HUGE duck boat for the senior citizens!"
Buford started snickering. "You know who really needs to get laid? This guy."
That shut Phineas up. He sat totally still. It was like a computer screen had just frozen. "I what?"
"Get laid. Hit a home run. Assault the fortress."
"Ew ew ew!" Phineas nearly covered his ears.
Buford shook his head. "I mean, we KNOW you didn't do Isabella. Because you can't keep a secret, and it would've come out, and then Ferb here would've like, murdered you in your sleep already."
"It's true." I shrugged.
"I don't need to…" He said angrily. "… 'get laid.'" He finished kind of whispering the last part.
"Uh-huh. Sure you don't. It's not like we all think so." Buford said sarcastically.
"Nobody thinks that." Phineas said. "Right, Ferb?" I started whistling. "Baljeet?"
"Heh heh… Phineas, you are fine." Baljeet said awkwardly.
"Come on! Back me up! Dinnerbell, it's a biological need. I mean, I know if Isabella was here, she'd agree with me."
"Isabella?" He said weakly. "So you all…? I hate you guys."
I sighed to myself. I still don't know if I was on board with Isabella and her Miss Matchmaker games, but Buford was right… we all thought it. Phineas, for lack of a better term, really needed to get laid. He baffled us all. I always tried really hard to be the gentleman and control the "male mind", and so did all my friends (except Buford), but sometimes that wasn't always possible. Especially when your Mexican-Jewish best friends handcuff themselves to their beds wearing bits of laces as lingerie. But Phineas? Was he a robot? He never seemed to be affected by anything, ever. We had never seen him do anything, ever. He wasn't TECHNICALLY a virgin, but even that was sketchy story. It was really hard trying to be decent and yet, women still manage to control you with their beauty, whether they knew it or not. I guess that's why Wynne, Ginger, Adyson, and Isabella have Kyle, Baljeet, Buford, and me whipped. Isabella has had us all on the end of her chain for years. Literally the only thing keeping everyone from falling in love with her was that she was A) "Phineas' girl", and B) we were her best friends. Ha, those things weren't even successful at deferring anything. All of us eventually fell for Isabella at some point. I had laughed a little at the idea of squeaky-clean little Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, the girl in the pink bow, sleeping around, until she started doing it with me. Then, I remembered very quickly, ha, my Bella isn't exactly that sweet little girl anymore. Neither is Buford the awkward bully, nor Baljeet the little nerd, nor I the quiet oddball. Because… we grew up. And Phineas still hasn't done that. And we don't know what's going to make that happen. But I know there's a part of everyone that gets really irritated when Phineas goes on about his stupid schemes and ideas about romance when he doesn't know anything about it. Forget Isabella and I, if anyone really desperately needed to sleep with someone, it was Phineas. But if even Isabella, the only girl Phineas has ever really cared about, couldn't spark anything in him, who could?
Ha ha ha, more Phineas torture! As you might be beginning to realize... this is as much Phineas' story as it is Ferb and Isabella's. And Baljeet's, and Buford's, and Ginger's... Ha, only I am the puppet master, and I control everyone's fate, as well as where the story goes. And everyone gets bliss and torture... Ha ha ha...
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