Edited 4/10/2021
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or the song Colors by Halsey
TW: talk of abuse and overdose.
"Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so
You said your mother only smiled on her tv show
You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope
I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old"
"Wiggle your fingers and toes, start to deepen your breath and roll to your right side. Here, let your practice settle."
Bodies shifted across the room. Breath became heavier and more purposeful.
"Come up into a seated position, with your eyes still closed, and bring your hands to heart center. We will end this practice as we always do, with namaste.
"Namaste," we all said at once.
I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times, trying to adjust them back to the natural light that was entering through the blinds of the small yoga studio. I was elated when I found one close to our hotel. It had been a mental escape for me back in the city.
I got up, and rolled the mat I borrowed, heading out into the front area of the studio to return it. I set it in a basket near the register and looked over at the mats they had for purchase. They had a really skinny one that was made for travel. I rubbed my fingers over the sticky rubber material before grabbing it and placing it on the counter. I hadn't purchased anything that wasn't absolutely necessary for myself in a while. I thought it might be good to have on the tour, to help me decompress if I couldn't get to a studio in the smaller cities.
Outside, the sun beat down on my covered arms. I raised my face towards the sky and let it warm up my skin. I missed the summer weather. We were essentially skipping spring by starting the tour in California and that was okay with me.
I headed up to our rooms and heard some raised voices coming from Matt's room.
"Matt I'm fine," I heard Trevor say, begrudgingly, through the door.
"See, he doesn't need us hovering. He can handle it!" Colin jumped into the argument.
I hesitated before knocking on the door and against my better judgment I did it anyway. An annoyed-looking Sora answered and ushered me in.
"What's all the commotion about?" I set my new mat on the floor, eyeing the group wearily, and took a seat on the bed next to John, who seemed the safest at the moment.
"Colin is insisting we go to some nightclub ton-" Matt was cut off by Colin.
"Kari, what about you? Don't you think that sounds like a killer way to start out this adventure, that we call tour?" He gestured grandly around the room as if the adventure was happening at this very moment.
Everyone looked toward me expectantly, Colin hopeful, Sora bored, Matt annoyed, and John just generally uncomfortable.
I thought about it for a moment, scanning the room, and when I reached Trevor I saw him nodding that it was okay.
"Bar or club?" I questioned.
Colin replied excitedly, "Club, DJ, daaaaancing," he was teasing me with that last part, gyrating his hips around horribly.
I always wanted to go out dancing back home, but the guys were always in some hole in the wall having cheap beer.
"It has been a while," I more mumbled to myself than anyone else, but Colin took this as a victory.
"Yes! It's settled," he said triumphantly.
"Wait!" I interrupted his short-lived celebration, "I don't have the right clothes for something like that."
I felt foolish the minute it came out of my mouth. They were arguing about Trevor's well-being, and here I was worried about an outfit. I was a bit disappointed in Matt though. I don't know how he expected Trevor to be okay if he kept assuming he would fail. I always liked to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sora perked up, "Clothes? Shopping … not being here," She grumbled out the last part. "Let's go!" She shot up and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards the door.
"Wait! I need to shower," I pleaded, looking down at my sweaty workout attire.
"You're fine. It's LA, athleisure is in. Matt, I'm taking the card, BYEEE!"
As we rushed out the door Sora had this amused glint in her eye.
I heard Matt shouting, "That's for emergen-" before the door slammed cutting him off.
"They have literally been arguing all morning. I can't take it anymore. It's like he tried to replace your brother with three people," Sora said annoyed but apologetic.
I nodded in understanding.
"Hey, where you guys headed?" We turned and saw TK rounding the hallway from the elevators going towards Matt's room.
"Shopping! Be back later," Sora said quickly, and we were off. Leaving a confused TK in our path.
As I went to grab Matt's door Trevor came barging out. He completely ignored me as he sulked by, grabbing his cigarettes out of his pocket, and walking in the direction the girls just went. I stopped the door before it closed and went into my brother's room. Matt was grumbling and picking up random articles of clothing off the floor. John was on the queen size bed, fumbling around on his phone.
"Um, hey cheery people," I got a small smirk out of John, but Matt glared his very specific daggers, a look that used to be saved for Tai on rare occasions. At least someone liked my attempt.
The bathroom door opened and a happy Colin exited, "Going out tonight TK! Gotta go prepare," He said, dancing poorly out of the room.
"Going where? Also, does he know it's only eleven in the morning?" I looked between Matt and John for an answer.
"Some club that we apparently must go to, or we will never have fun. Ever. Again," the sarcasm was oozing from Matt.
"So, I see we aren't happy about this?"
Matt pinched the bridge of his nose, massaging the area like he was warding off a headache, "I'm worried about Trev. It's one thing for all of us to be at a show, but a club in LA? If he wants coke all he needs to do is look left. It's so easy. I just don't want him to fall back into old habits."
That explained why Trevor left in such a huff when I was coming in.
"Why doesn't Colin seem to be as worried as you?" It was strange to me that he seemed so excited while the rest looked like they were preparing for the worst.
"Colin wasn't there when he seized out and practically cracked his head open," John said, flatly.
"I didn't," I paused, not expecting that, and I suddenly felt like I was intruding on something insanely personal.
Matt put his hand on my shoulder, "It's fine, relax, I should have told you anyway. It's not like it's actually a secret."
"It's also not good if we keep babying him and expect him to go desperately looking for a fix," John looked up from his phone, trying to reason with my brother.
I had to agree with him. If I was in Trevor's situation, and people were constantly hovering over me, it would probably drive me in the wrong direction.
"I know, and that doesn't mean I won't try to be careful, but I know you're right. I'll try to be a bit more laid back about it." He avoided our gaze, grabbing a small bag, and headed into the bathroom. We heard the shower turn on.
I turned to John, "Food?"
"Shit, yes, let's get out of here."
I was in a fitting room, trying on a few tops to go with a pair of faux leather shorts Sora had picked for me. Every time I came out to show her a new item she was more and more fidgety. It got to a point where she was biting her nails and I needed to stop her.
"Sora, seriously, what's wrong?" I huffed a bit, blowing hair out of my face.
Her expression softened a bit, "I was never good at hiding my emotions, huh?"
"Nope." I crossed my arms, waiting.
'Kari, I just … maybe, have you thought of … I know it's hard, but," She trailed off, and I was left staring at her trying to decipher the riddle she had laid out in front of me.
I sat down next to her, "What?" I pleaded, softly.
"HaveyouthoughtaboutreachingouttoTai?Abouteverything." She said it so fast it took me a moment to actually process the words. I stiffened as I did and she felt it immediately.
"He misses you, and he would never ever judge anything. You know he would only support you."
I thought about all the awkward and strained conversations we had since I left. I didn't know how to talk to him anymore, and it felt so self-serving to reach out to him now after everything. I didn't deserve his support.
"I miss him too. I just don't know if now is the right time. I'm not sure how to fix that one when I'm trying to fix myself."
She thought about this for a moment, "But, TK dealt with everything well enough. why wouldn't Tai be the same?"
I know her efforts were well-meaning but that situation seemed, very, different to me.
"TK also didn't have much of a choice. He was kind of just thrust into it. Plus," I thought carefully before continuing. "He's different. TK never should have forgiven me, and if he wasn't such a damn saint, he probably wouldn't have."
What I did is hardly forgivable, I thought silently to myself.
"Why did you leave anyway?"
I was shocked that she'd asked so bluntly, but all I saw on her face was genuine curiosity, no anger. I'd kept it in for so long and the only person that knew, of all people, was Matt. At least I knew he always kept his word.
I heard some other people making their way towards us. I sulked into the fitting room and changed back into my clothes. I stopped and stared at myself in the mirror, running my hand across my stomach, I was so skinny from all the stress over the past few months. I had dark circles under my eyes, the pale purplish color matching the, mostly faded, bruises left on my arms. I could probably wear something sleeveless tonight. In the dark no one would even notice. I pulled my shirt back on and grabbed a few of the tops. After leaving I held out my favorite two to Sora. She looked them over and picked one.
As we headed out of the store I could feel the weight of the question hanging over us. I looked up and down the street until my eyes landed on a pub-style restaurant.
I started heading in that direction, "Kari, the hotel is this way."
I looked back over my shoulder, "Well, your answer is in there, but after I get a drink."
A few hours later I headed back to my room feeling a bit lighter. Telling Sora wasn't as hard as I imagined, and once I started the words just tumbled out, start to finish. She wasn't upset with me but she did tell me I needed to tell TK. She understood my fears though, and the rift I could possibly create. I wondered if it was worth it.
I swiped my key card into the door and pushed it open. Standing in the room was a shirtless TK fresh from the shower.
Oh, yea, for some ungodly reason we decided we could share a room, so Matt and Sora could have a night alone to themselves since the next few months she and I would be bunking together a lot. Plus, we would be spending a good amount of time on the bus.
It would be fine, there were two beds, and it wasn't like we hadn't had a million sleepovers when we were kids.
A blush crept over my face, thinking about what got me into this mess in the first place.
"Oh, hey," he said, finally noticing me in the room. "Get anything good?"
"Yea, plus it was nice to get a girl's day with Sora. Considering we will be stuck on a bus with you guys 24/7 for the next few months. What did you guys end up doing?"
He looked uneasy for a moment, "Eh, we talked about Trevor. Followed by, very specific attempts to not talk about Trevor."
I understood, I knew how Matt was when it came to his friend.
"So they told you everything?" I moved to take a seat on one of the double beds.
"Mhmm," He nodded back while drying his hair with the crisp white hotel towel before discarding it in the corner, and taking a seat in front of me on the floor.
"I'm worried too," I said, a frown crossed my face. "But, I also know him well enough to know that he does better with trust, if we expect him to fail, he probably will. I don't want to drive him back to that place."
"I just don't have experience with anything like this," he said.
I didn't think he would. His friends, our old friends, were so good and straight-laced that I wasn't surprised in the slightest. Up until Michael, I wouldn't have either.
"I was at a party once and one of the girls …" I paused. Should I even be telling him this story, what would he think? As I looked towards him though and saw his concerned expression, ready and waiting to listen to whatever I had to say, I knew I could tell him.
"It was a party that someone from Michael's cast was throwing. I felt like I was thrown into a Baz Luhrmann film. Everything was so bright, and gaudy, and it all felt like it was moving too fast, but too slow at the same time. The guy hosting the party passed around pills like someone would pass around food, no one even questioned what it was. I got up to grab a drink when it came near me so no one would ask questions. Michael never did drugs at home, or when we would be out in public, it was only at these parties. He said, "It's part of the business," but I didn't see the point. Shouldn't it be about the work?
Anyway, there was this girl Lexi, who was always known for pushing her limits. Apparently, insurance onset was hard to come by for her, but she was a good actress so they made it work. I watched her take a few pills, and do a few shots, but after a while, she disappeared. I had a few drinks, maybe one too many. I remember feeling like such an outsider. I still wanted to fit into his world at this point, and being slightly out of control seemed to be the only way for me to do that," I looked desperately into his eyes, hoping he wouldn't think I was horrible, that this wasn't changing who I had always been to him.
I took a deep breath, "I remember eventually asking someone where she went. That person asked someone else, who finally asked the host. He ended up finding her in his bedroom with a needle in her arm, totally out. He shook her, nothing. He put his hand near her nose, and then he'd sworn while running out of the room. Everyone stood around paralyzed, I got my phone out to call the police but Michael grabbed it, roughly, out of my hand, "Don't be stupid," he said, harshly.
The host came into the room with that Narcan stuff that paramedics use on overdose victims. He sprayed it into her nose and started chest compressions. Michael pulled me out of the room. I didn't realize I had been crying until he told me to go clean myself up. I guess a few of them started to make some calls, and quietly got her to a hospital. I'll never forget the look of her when they wheeled her out, so pale and fragile, but breathing. About a month later she was back on set like nothing ever happened. No one tried to get her any help. They just threw her back into their world.
When we got home that night, I was so shaken and scared for her, and I felt like we should have been at the hospital. Michael told me, "It would create questions, we can't have this leaking to the press, the show doesn't need this kind of attention attached to it." I always felt dumb for not leaving at that moment. I should have known from that situation how things would turn out."
My elbows were on my knees, with my head in my hands, thumbs massaging my temples to ward off the headache I was sure would be brewing. It was a moment I was truly ashamed of. Always wishing I could have gone back and done more. I felt some pressure on my foot and I looked down to see him gently giving it a squeeze. I raised my brow.
He said, "Your hand was too far."
I looked at him, and his gentle smile, and laughed at his attempt at comfort. I slid onto the ground, into his waiting arms, and he wrapped himself around me and held on tight. As he did, I exhaled years of regret. I let go of this story, and the hold it had obviously had over me for the past few years.
I let go of the fear I was holding when it came to communicating with TK.
This boy, no this man, sitting in front of me would never judge me, never hate me, and always hold space for me when I needed it. Maybe, it was time to talk to him about why I left, maybe I didn't need all of my secrets.