Edited 4/11/21

I do not own Digimon or the song 'Two Little Lines,' that is by Drew Gasparini

T/W Miscarriage

"So I'll give what I got whether they like it or not

I'm not changing the plot to my story

I've got brains, I've got heart, and I've got plenty of time

So why should I be scared of two little lines"

I swirled around the contents of my drink, and by contents, I mean whiskey and a remaining single ice cube. I was slowly, over the past twenty-four hours, getting used to it. The drinking was probably not the most healthy way to handle the information I had been given, but I felt like I was allowed some self-pity.

I helped set up for the show that night and had been sitting at the bar ever since. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me and, half of them didn't even know why. I looked at my phone for the hundredth time, staring at her phone number, debating the call I knew I would eventually have to make.

I glanced up at the stage for a moment, when I heard her laughing, and I imagined what life would have been had that laugh not been stolen from me for the past few years. What we could have become together had she never interfered.

I'd been going through a range of emotions but the strongest was betrayal. Needless to say, I wanted to slam my head against a wall. I finished the drink in my hand quickly, feeling the burn that went with it as the liquid slid down my throat and into my empty stomach, and headed outside for some fresh air. I sat on the curb and put my head in my hands trying to figure out what to do next. After all this time, I finally knew, and I never would have guessed what got us here.

When we went back to the hotel the night before, I decided to give Kari some privacy after the tense walk back from the club. I wanted to talk to her about it but I knew she needed time. I knew she would eventually feel bad about snapping at Sora, but now wasn't the time to discuss it.

Later, when I walked into the hotel room, I knew something was really wrong. The light in the bathroom was on and I heard quiet sobs, echoing off the walls from the bathroom. It had been over an hour, and now I felt guilty that I left her alone for so long.

"Kari," I softly called to her from outside the door.

I heard her take a shaky breath. She was fumbling with some things on the counter, before the door opened and she came out, red-faced.

"Sorry, you can get in there if you need to." She quickly headed over to her bed.

"I heard you crying, what's wrong?"

She sat down facing away from me, placed her face in her hands, and shook her head, 'no.' I didn't know if it was for me or her. I stepped over her discarded shoes, and jacket, and sat on the bed.

"Talk to me," I softly pleaded, placing my hands gently on her arms.

"Why are you like this?" She whispered.

"What?" I felt a little hurt and confused. I didn't know what I was, possibly, doing wrong at that moment.

"How are you just, here? With me, with what I did? Still so nice to me? Trying to make sure I'm okay? After being in the stupidest situation I could have, ever, gotten myself into. With the biggest asshole on the planet. You have every right to hate me, to be awful, rude, and mean," she choked out a sob, and started to cry again. "But no, here you are as kind and generous as ever, and I keep trying to find the words to talk to you, but I'm choking on them knowing they will never be enough. You deserve to know, but when I say it I can't take it back, and it could ruin so much," She was crying so hard I could barely understand her. I turned her so she was facing me, and hugged her close, rubbing my hand down her back to try and calm her.

"I'm dealing with all this Michael garbage, and I might be dealing with it for a long time. I read about the way that I feel and wonder if I have PTSD. I wonder if I'll ever feel safe with a man again. I wonder if I made the wrong decision and if I'm putting other women in danger. I wonder if it all falls on me, or if I shouldn't have to burden the responsibility of what he does to anyone else. I think that I should be able to be selfish, and try to put myself back together first," She was shaking as she spoke, but was calming slightly.

She took another, deep, shaky breath, "On top of it, here you are. Thrust back into my life at a point where I don't feel ready for you, but at the same time, you're here which means the universe wants me to make amends. I know it's selfish to say, but I want our friendship back because I so desperately need the person who knows me best. Who can get me out of the deepest funk, and who can call me on my bullshit," She wiped her face and looked up at mine. "It's not all selfish though. I also want you to know because you deserve to know why I did what I did and that you never did anything wrong."

I lifted my hands to her face to wipe away her tears. I hated to see her cry, to see her in pain and hurt.

"Kari, I'm the hardest person to get rid of, literally, ever. I'm not going anywhere," She laughed a bit between her sobs, at least she wasn't totally lost in her misery. "Please, just tell me everything. It can't be any worse than the not knowing."

She pulled back from me and took a few deep breaths. "It started three months before graduation, after ... after our first time."

We laid in his bed, still intertwined, breathing deeply from what had just taken place. We hadn't planned on it or anything, it wasn't like that, it just happened, as naturally as anything else we did. He rolled on his side smiling down at me, as he ran kisses from my forehead down to my mouth. When his lips met mine, I could taste the sweat from my face lingering on his lips. He pulled my back against his chest and held me tight. We laid like that for a while, knowing we were safe from being caught, his mother still worked ridiculous hours and wouldn't be home for a while. So we stayed in our little world, just laying together, listening to music, and quietly talking as if we got too loud everything might shatter.

It was the way I wish everyone could lose their virginity, to someone they loved, with no pretense or pressure, and clumsily, fumbling through the motions.

I remember when I got into my bed that night, how much I missed feeling him against me. I thought about our future, and how someday soon we could fall asleep together every night.

Six weeks later I was vomiting into my toilet, three times in one week. At first, I thought it was just something I ate, but I started getting worried when it carried into a second week. During the second week of weird nausea, I realized I'd missed my last period. I had been so worried about finals and graduation, that I hadn't even noticed. That's when I started panicking.

I stayed home from school one day and finally decided I needed to get a test. I took the subway, about a half-hour away from where I lived to find a store, so no one would notice me. When I got home, I went into the bathroom and read the instructions carefully, probably three or four times, before I finally took it. I set my phone timer, and paced through the house, praying that no one would decide to come home early. When my phone started dinging I felt my stomach drop, deep down I knew it was going to tell me what I already felt, and when I went in to check, it was confirmed by two little lines. I got so dizzy that I almost passed out. I laid down on the cold bathroom floor trying to calm myself, knowing my entire life was about to change.

I was so afraid. I knew my parents loved me, and I knew my mother would never kick me out or anything. I was more worried about my father killing TK, and his family, his mother Nancy would lose it. She was so protective of him. The concept of telling her was more horrifying to me than anyone else. And, what would he say? The more I thought about it, the more I knew he would probably support whatever I wanted to do, regardless of what it would mean for our lives.

Our lives, college, all our plans, would go down the drain. We would have to work to take care of a baby. TK wouldn't get to write, and I wouldn't get to do anything. Or, I could not have it. It was accessible enough and no one would ever have to know. I started feeling sick again. I wasn't against the idea in general, but for me I don't think I could do that, especially considering it was a part of TK.

I leaned over the toilet again, just dry heaving as there was nothing left to expel. Once I had relaxed a bit I grabbed the test and all its wrapping and got a bag to take it out to the trash. I couldn't let anyone find it.

Once I was back inside I curled up in a ball in my bed, and cried, for the fear that was layering itself around me, for the future we would be losing, for what his mother would say, and regardless of the support that I knew I would receive from my mother, the disappointment I knew she would feel. TK called me a few times after school, but I just kept letting it go to voicemail because I didn't know how to face him.

I just let the world get dark around me as the sun went down.

The next day, when I went to school, I just acted as if nothing was wrong. I saw TK staring at me a few times during the day, trying to figure out what I was hiding. He could always tell, but he was also good about giving me space if he thought I might need it.

My stomach was, constantly, in knots over the next few days. I couldn't eat, and if I got two or three hours of sleep a day that was saying something. When I would look in the mirror in the morning it was so hard for me to imagine that a baby was growing inside of me, as I was losing weight from all the stress and morning sickness.

Another two weeks went by, and I knew I was going to have to tell him soon. I would need to get to a doctor eventually, and we would have to start figuring out what we were going to do. I went over to his house early on a Saturday morning, forgetting that he had gone over to Matt's the night before to hang out.

TK's mother, happily, greeted me at the door and informed me of where TK was but told me I was welcome to stay until he got home. I took the invitation, knowing that if I went back home I would probably just lay in bed all day. I took a seat at the counter, his mother went to grab me some orange juice, and she started to ask me about school and graduation.

It started to get fuzzy. I didn't hear her finish what she was saying, and I went to stand, afraid I was getting sick again. My legs gave out from under me and I hit the ground. I could feel her footsteps vibrating from the floor, and I felt something wet in between my legs. I looked down to see blood, and that's the last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital.

When I opened up my eyes everything was bright. As they adjusted I saw the tubes connecting me to a machine that was steadily beeping, and Nancy was there sitting next to me.

I started to sit up but she stopped me, "Honey, you need to rest for a bit," She said, softly.

"Why am I here?" I questioned.

I was in denial. I thought, I must have fallen, and hit something to cause the bleeding.

"Did you know you were pregnant?" She asked, frankly.

I replayed the question, and started to panic. She knew about the baby, but she said were, past tense. I started to cry. I tried to keep calm, but the tears just started falling down my cheeks.

"Did TK know?" She asked, taking my tears as an affirmative response.

I shook my head 'no.' I tried to calm myself down enough to talk. I took a deep breath before finally responding, "I was planning on telling him today." I said choking back more tears. "It's gone, isn't it?"

She leaned forward onto her legs, and I couldn't see her face anymore, "You had a miscarriage." She spoke evenly like she was one of my doctors coming in to tell me the bad news.

I put my hands against my face and started to cry again, but even through all of my sadness, a small part of me was relieved. I hated thinking it, but deep down I knew it was true, we weren't ready to be parents.

"Maybe, it's for the best," Nancy said, quietly.

While I was thinking it, it felt awful to hear it come from her. I know that's so hypocritical, but it's true.

"Does anyone else know I'm here?" I asked as cooly as someone crying can.

"No. I said you were my daughter. I assumed your parents didn't know if I didn't."

I was at least grateful for that.

"What about TK?" Even though I asked, I could assume the answer was the same, and she would shield him from this.

"I didn't want him to have to deal with this if he didn't already know."

She was leaving me alone in all of this. It should have been mine and TK's pain together, but she wasn't going to let that happen.

"Is there anyone that knew? Anyone I can call to come to be here?" She asked, trying to hide the fact that she was looking down at her phone.

I thought about it, wondering who I could share this with, who I could trust, but it didn't feel right to put this on anyone else.

"No," I said quietly. I was feeling more ashamed by the second, here with her, when it should have been anyone else.

"Are you okay if I go? I can come back, I just want to get home and … clean up before TK gets back. I sent him on a bunch of errands, but I know he will be home soon, and he will be asking questions."

Her lack of emotion, or care, was so painful. I think I know, deep down she was just trying to protect him, but it still hurt all the same. She had never been anything but nice to me the entire time I had known TK, but now, it was like I was just some random girl he brought home.

"No, it's fine you can go."

She nodded at me and got up to leave, but stopped at the door. She didn't turn to look at me when she spoke.

"I know it's hard right now, but I think you should think about the future of your relationship with my son. The two of you have clearly proven … to be irresponsible, and while I'm very sorry that this happened, you should look at it as a blessing. The two of you aren't ready for this kind of commitment. I don't want him to end up like his father and me."

I stared at her back in shock, unable to respond. It was like all the words I wanted to say were sitting in my throat, but unable to come out. She walked away when I didn't respond. The tears started coming again and I completely broke down. For the baby that we lost, for the mess I had created, and for my unsure future with TK.

They released me a few hours later. Nancy had left a change of clothes with me since I always had extra clothes at TK's place. I saw Nancy and TK's last name on my discharge papers, Kari Takaishi. It was like the future I always hoped for, but couldn't have, laughing at me in the face.

When I got home my mother greeted me with a smile, and it made me feel sick because life went on for everyone else as if nothing had ever happened.

"You have mail on the counter," She shouted, from the kitchen.

I went over and grabbed it, before heading into my bedroom. I opened the large envelope without even looking at who sent it. My eyes glanced at the words, only half-reading at first until I fully realized what it was.

"Kari Kamiya, we are happy to inform you of your acceptance ..."

It was a school I applied to in America. I was put on the waitlist a few months earlier. I never expected to actually get in.

I laid down in bed and thought about my options. I thought about the timing of this letter, and about what I would do every day when I saw TK, knowing that I couldn't tell him about what happened to me, and to us. That was the night I decided to leave. It would have to be a secret because I knew if I told anyone they would try to stop me or at least try to understand why.

The next few weeks were a blur. On the outside, I was a girl excited about graduation, and summer with my friends, and boyfriend, but at home I was franticly planning my escape.

I almost didn't go through with it. The day before I left, TK and I had hung out and had the best time, he kept bringing up college and what next year would look like. He was so excited, not just for school, but to be planning a future with me. When we said goodbye in my hallway that day, and he kissed me, I kissed him back with everything I had. I loved this boy so much, he was everything I could have ever asked for, and I was selfishly running away because of some mix of my own fear, and his mother's words. When he turned to walk away I could feel myself start to tear up. If he had turned around I know he would have come running back, and I would have told him everything, but he didn't, and the next day I got on a plane and left my life behind for a new one.

She had been done talking for a while when she grabbed my shaking hands to try and steady them. I looked up at her face, realizing I had been looking down for a long time. She repeated my earlier gesture, reaching out to my face, and wiped away tears that were staining it. I grabbed her hand, and choked out a sob, before falling into her lap, and crying harder than I had since I was 8-years-old. Everything hurt, my body ached from tensing up, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode, and I couldn't stop crying.

What I lost, what we lost, was so much more than I had ever imagined. She tried to make my mother sound better, tried to tell me she was only looking out for me, but I was furious with her. She was the adult, not Kari, and she essentially sent her packing.

She didn't leave because she hated me, and I always thought I would somehow feel better knowing it wasn't my fault, but I never anticipated how awful the alternative could be.

I laid down onto the bed and pulled her close. I said I was sorry, over, and over again, every time to her response that it wasn't my fault. We ended up falling asleep like that, wrapped in each other, and in another life, it would have been for different reasons.

I woke up before her that morning, feeling dehydrated and hungover, probably more from crying than from the small amount of drinking we had done at the club. I got out of bed and grabbed some water, before heading outside onto the balcony. I looked at my phone, and it was only 7 am here, but I stared at my mother's number tempted to wake her up. I was so angry with her. I didn't even know what I was, possibly, going to say. I just knew I needed to confront her about this.

I remember her, after Kari left, telling me it would be fine and that I had a whole life ahead of me. Like we had been nothing more than some high school fling. Like she hadn't been the single most important person in my life, outside of my family. My jaw started to hurt. I realized I had probably been grinding my teeth all night from the stress.

I heard the door slide open behind me. Kari came and sat on the ground next to me, putting enough space in-between us that it was awkward.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, looking down at her lap.

"It hurts," I said honestly, "But, I know you did what you thought was right. My mother should have never encouraged you, and left you, and lied to me." I turned and grabbed one of her hands in my own, "I'm sorry you went through that alone. I should have been there with you."

She, silently, nodded. Accepting my apology, knowing there was no business arguing with me.

"Where do we go from here?" She sounded scared as she asked.

I understood her fear though, this was so heavy, and so much bigger of a situation than I ever expected. I didn't know for sure how this would affect us moving forward, but I needed to be optimistic. Now, no more secrets were standing in the way of us rebuilding whatever we might have. There was only one thing we could do.

I squeezed her hand, and looked out at the city in front of us, "We move forward."

Part of me was lying though, and that was the part that was clutching my phone, waiting to talk to my mother.

I looked at my phone again, and scrolled through the numbers until I reached the one I needed. I hit send, and waited, I half expected voicemail but I should have known better because I hadn't called since I had been here.

"Hey, sweetie! I'm so glad you called! How is everything?" Her excitement was only making me angrier. I couldn't even respond. I was grinding my teeth again. I tried to take a breath to calm myself down.

"TK? You there?" Her concerned voice came through the phone again.

"Hi, mom," It sounded harsh as it came out of my mouth.

"Is something wrong?" She asked quickly, she always knew right away.

"Guess who's been staying with Matt, and who's on tour?" I asked, sharply.

"What do you mean? TK I don't have time-" I cut her off, her tone was gaining annoyance, and I snapped.

"You don't have time? Well, you might want to make time for this conversation, because it's a long time coming." I slurred a bit. I had, just a bit, too much to drink in there. I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the phone.

"What is this about, and are you drunk?" She had a defensiveness in her voice, along with disappointment.

"That's not important. I know, mom," It sounded like venom escaping my mouth. She was quiet for a moment.

"TK, you don't-" I interrupted her again.

"Stop. What were you thinking? You left her alone in that hospital! Not only did you not call, or tell me, but you sent me running around like a fool for you while you cleaned up, and then you didn't call anyone for her, you just left her there?! Was keeping it a secret from me, really, so important that you would leave her alone, and then tell her it was better that we stop seeing each other? All this time. All these years. I've wondered why? What I did to make her leave like that, and you watched me suffer," I was yelling and on the verge of tears again. I had never been so angry with my mother, we always had a good relationship. She was a little overbearing, but this was on another level.

"And you think you were ready for that? Ready to deal with the implications of what happened? Ready to deal with what your life had been if it hadn't happened? Did you want to end up like your father and me?" Now, she was yelling, but I could hear in her voice that she was cracking. She knew what she did wasn't right, no matter the justification.

"News flash, I'll never be, or live my life, like you and dad." I didn't regret it until later. I knew it was over the line, but at the moment I didn't care. "I watched our family fall apart, and I remember all of it. I have never planned on reliving it with my own family."

"Oh TK, as if you can plan for something like that," she said exasperated. "You think I was never head over heels for your dad? Do you think it was always stressful? Life happens, things change, and you can't plan for something like that." I could tell that she was starting to cry on the other end, her voice cracking.

"That doesn't mean you take away the chance for me to figure it out on my own, and that doesn't mean you leave Kari alone to deal with it by herself. It was ours, we both lost something that day," I was shaking.

That was the part that got to me the most, that she had to live with this on her own, and she would. Kari was always self-sacrificing. We both had the same awful flaw. If Kari thought it was better to shoulder the burden of a problem alone she would, and I was the same, but this was common knowledge. It was something my mother knew, and I felt like she had played off of it.

"TK," I heard a soft voice call me. I turned around to Kari and Matt, standing by the door.

"I don't know what you want me to say," my mother's voice came through the phone sounding tired, and sorry, but she hadn't said the words. I knew I wouldn't hear them today.

"There's nothing you can say," I responded, and hung up the phone.

I started to walk back towards Matt and Kari, but I just kept going past them. Kari reached out for my arm to stop me.

"I didn't want you and her to fight. I didn't mean for that," she said sadly.

I knew this. It didn't matter.

"After all this time, I would think you would see that it isn't all about what you want, or think, is the right choice in this matter." I almost spit the words out, trying to stay angry to keep from crying.

I regretted it the moment I spoke though. I felt her release my arm and knew if I turned around I would see her, and the hurt from my words would be written all over her face.

I sighed, heavy, "I'm sorry, I-I'm just sorry." I walked away from them, and towards the hotel.

I heard Matt call my name, but ignored him. I needed space from everything. I suddenly felt like it was a mistake that I was here, and I needed to sort it out, alone.

When I got back to the hotel that night from the show, I was almost afraid to go back to our room. Sora and Matt had offered to switch, but I was going to have to face TK at some point, and better in a room alone than on a bus with everyone.

I walked into a dark room, he was laying on the bed facing away from the door, and I assumed he was asleep. I quietly went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. I washed the heavy makeup off my face and brushed my hair. I put on a pair of shorts, and the same tee-shirt that I had discarded from the morning. When I came back out into the room he was lying face up, his eyes opened, staring at the ceiling.

"Sorry if I woke you," I said, softly, and I made my way towards my bed.

"I was awake." He sat up a bit as he spoke.

When I looked at him it made my chest hurt, his eyes were red, and his face downcast. He looked heartbroken. I regretted telling him at that moment, because I hated for him to be in this pain, or any pain. I went to tell him I was sorry, again, but he put his hand up to stop me. He moved over a bit signaling for me to sit. I filled the empty space, pulled my knees to my chest, and wrapped my arms around myself.

"I need you to know, that I never would have left your side. If it hadn't happened that way I would have been there for you. I'm so sorry you were alone, and I'm really sorry for snapping at you this morning. I don't want to push you away now, it's the past. It's just, hearing it makes it feel like it's happening right now, like I'm mourning our," He paused, I could see him struggling to find the words. "Our baby. And, I know you moved on a long time ago. I mean, you spent years with someone else but, I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this." It was like, he was trying to fit four years of words into five minutes.

"It's okay, I don't blame you for anything. I left. I was a coward. I didn't have to listen to your mother, but I did. I was selfish. I thought I was saving you from pain, but now you are experiencing it anyway."

"Maybe we should both stop apologizing," He said, shaking his head, "We could go in circles forever. I should have known, you should have known, but we didn't, and here we are, and we have a second chance. At what? I'm not really sure, but at least we can figure it out," He trailed off quietly.

I thought about his words, 'A second chance.' I'm not sure what that meant. Could he still actually have feelings for me after everything I did? And, what about me? If I was honest with myself, I know, I never truly loved Michael. I think deep down, I was punishing myself, I didn't think after what I did to TK that I deserved to be happy with someone else.

I tried to shake my thoughts away, he was just talking about our friendship, and he couldn't possibly mean anything else.

"We should probably get some sleep," he said.

I nodded and reluctantly went to go back to my bed.

"You can stay."

The words were so quiet as they came out of his mouth. I didn't know if it was a good idea, but the larger part of me didn't care, and the smaller part was too tired to argue.

I laid down with my back against him, and he put one arm around me and pulled me close. His face was buried in the crook of my neck, and while it should have been so uncomfortable after everything the past few days, it was like everything at that moment was finally okay. We were alone in the world, and if we stayed still enough, maybe this time, nothing would shatter.