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October 31, 9:35 PM: Chaos, everywhere, to the tune of Flight of the Bumblebee.

Hermione and Draco shot out of the library, ran across the cellar door and into the conservatory, which they found empty. They sprinted back the way they'd come and collided headfirst into Theo and Auror Mustard.

"Theo!"

"Draco!"

"Who–"

"AAAAAH!"

It came from beyond the hall and they charged towards it...
Seconds later they were in a pileup on the floor, with Mr. Green topping the lot.

"Argh! Gerrof, gerrof!"

"Who screamed?"

"I heard–"

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"The kitchen!" they all exclaimed as one, (please stand by while they untangle their limbs,) and pell-mell, helter-skelter, roly-poly they tumbled into the kitchen.

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October 31, 9:45 PM: Ms. Peacock, in the kitchen, with an aneurysm.

When the panicked mob burst into the kitchen, they spent a good minute or so staring nonplussed at the screaming lady in blue. She was literally just standing, fists clenched at her sides, and screaming.

"Ms. Peacock!" Mr. Green cried, "What's happened?"

"AAAHHH AHHH AAAAH!"

"What's happened to her?" he frantically asked Ms. White, who simply shrugged.

"AAAAAH!"

"Ms. Peacock!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Oi! Pop-peacock! SHUT YOUR INFERNAL GOB, YOU RAVING BAT!"

Suffice to say, everyone was most surprised that Auror Mustard's painful lack of grace was actually good for something: Ms. Peacock shut her infernal gob.

"Now what's got you all arsed up?" he asked with a hint of pride. She merely pointed under the sink.
Guardedly, they all moved to look...

Hermione screamed, and immediately turned to press her face into Draco's chest. Draco's own eyes closed in horror, and the remainders all let out various sounds of distress. Yvette – poor, long-suffering Yvette – was stuffed on a shelf, nearly folded in half, and quite, quite dead.

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October 31, 9:55 PM: Mr. Green, in the kitchen, with a purpose.

"Stand back, all of you."

His tone was commanding enough, that in their state of shock, nobody protested at being ordered around. Mr. Green crouched before the cupboard and assessed the situation, before pulling out his wand and –

"A WAND!" Ms. Peacock shrieked, "HE HAS A WAND!"

"Mr. Green's the killer!" Auror Mustard affirmed, "Mr. Green, in the dining room, with–"

"Oh shut up, Ron," Mr. Green snapped, "I just happen to be better at being stealthy than you."

Auror Mustard – Ron – let out a furious roar, and tore his mask off. His black hair turned red – matching his face. "Hold on a fucking mo," he seethed, "Harry?"

"Yep."

"I KNEW IT!" Theo yelped.

"You knew who we were?"

"No. I knew you must be a turd!"

Unfortunately, Ron's rude hand gesture didn't get the attention it deserved, for that was when Ms. Peacock yanked the plumed absurdity off her head with a wail – "I've had enough!"

"Whoa! Pansy!"

"Yes, Pansy. And fuck you Draco, for being part of the reason I'm stuck here! My dress is ruined, I've had to sit for half an hour in a room with a dead man, I'll probably be dreaming about mutilated house-elves for weeks, and... my husband's a poof? Theo you lousy bastard! How could you?"

"Eh," Theo shrugged. "Who're you two then?" He nodded at Hermione and Ms. White.

With loving care, Draco gently pried the mask off Hermione's face. She was still crying inconsolably. Ms. White removed her mask with a flourish, and her pink hair tumbled down in dirty blond waves.

"Luna!" Harry chirruped, as he too unmasked himself.

"Yes," she smiled, "Hullo Harry. Hullo everyone. It's been lovely. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kill you all now."

As gasps and shouts of shock erupted, Luna drew a wand out from inside the bodice of her robes.

"Avada–" she began, and – THWACK! – Something large and heavy bashed her skull in.

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October 31, 10:15 PM: Professor Plum, in the kitchen, with a beater's bat.

"MY HERO!" Pansy yowled and threw herself at their unexpected saviour.

"Luna!" he panted, "I can't believe it! Luna!"

"Holy–" said Ron.

"–Fuck," said Theo.

Hermione (who seemed the least surprised of the lot,) eyed Professor Plum. "Neville?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." He removed his mask to reveal his Longbottom-face slack with disbelief.

"Where'd you come from?" Harry wondered.

"Over there," he replied while airily waving a hand towards an opening in the wall. His other hand tried to tear Pansy off his robes; she was clutching on with desperation.

For a moment, there was utter silence. Everybody looked down at Luna spread-eagled on the floor, with blood pooling around her head.

"Well, what now?" Theo drawled, "We still need to find a way out of here."

"Oh, that's been sorted," Harry assured him, "I'd sent a patronus to the Ministry quite some time ago. They must be taking down the wards–"

Harry broke off when a loud crash was heard – the sound of a door being broken down. Then he grinned in a way that said, 'Don't you just love how things work out for me?' Seconds later, Aurors in black bodysuits were storming into the kitchen with their wands held high. They took in the scene with astonishment.

"Wha – what?" one sputtered, eyeing the body on the floor.

"Take it easy, Dawlish," Ron snickered, "She was the bad guy. And you're too late. As always."

"Well, what do we have over here?" A man with dark hair and a wide toothy grin surveyed the room with interest, "Auror Potter, Weasley... care to explain?"

"I'll leave that to Ron, Head Auror Curry, sir," Harry replied drolly, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going home to sleep with my wife."

Auror Curry looked a bit miffed, (and Ron twice as miffed,) as Harry stalked off. Neville shoved Pansy into Dawlish's arms and scarpered as well. Theo lit a cigarette and ambled over to where Draco and Hermione were embracing.

"Why'd you think she did it?" he asked, flicking ash towards Luna's body.

"She was insane," Hermione sniffed, "Always has been. Maybe the Gurdy-Horned Nargles told her to do it."

"Does it really matter?" Draco countered, "It's over. It's all fucking over."

"I suppose."

Hermione looked up at Draco with big, teary brown eyes and whispered, "Take me home."

He wrapped his cloak around her and complied.

Theo remained there, as Aurors hustled and bustled all around. Eventually Ron and Curry joined him, bumming a smoke each.

"So... two murders, eh?" Curry inquired conversationally.

"Three. Blaise is in the dining room."

"Oh my," he moaned, "This is quite serious, isn't it? Will I have to contact someone's mother? Nobody wails over a body like a mother. It's very tedious."

"Nah," Theo huffed, and blew a ring of smoke into the air, "None of those sods are going to be missed."

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A/N: And that's the end of that nonsense. Thank you for bothering to read it.