Edited 4/29/2021
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or the song (Un)Lost by The Maine
"The world is ours
But for a flash
And you are not allowed to be anybody else
Control what you can
Confront what you can't
And always remember how lucky you are to have yourself"
I watched the waves turn white as the water drifted towards our feet, inching almost close enough to touch before slowly dragged itself back out into the ocean over, and over again. There was nothing but the sound of the water, and the occasional bird caw, filling our ears. She sat with her back against me, the warmth from her body heating up my chest. I sat back, holding myself up with my hands, and rested my head on her shoulder. If anyone had passed us by they would have thought we were simply sharing a quiet morning on the beach, no worries or cares, just a young couple taking advantage of a nice day. Instead, I held her up knowing there were knots growing in her stomach because they were the same ones growing in mine. I felt her breathing against me, too deeply at times, knowing she was doing her best to keep the anxiety at bay.
We came down here after dropping Matt off at Mimi's. We just wanted a break before seeing everyone, before explanations, and difficult plans would need to be made. We just needed the world to get quiet for a little while, we needed a glimpse of what it could look like at the end of everything.
The two of us always loved the beach, that tree from our childhood skirted the edge of it back home. Memories of us, and our friends, playing games down there flooded my head. We'd always had so much happening in the background, but we still managed to live like children. Maybe it was the lack of awareness of what one wrong move could mean. Nothing really felt final back then, not at first, and not after we'd succeeded so many times. There was always the option to hit restart in some way or another. That changed as we got older, mortality became something real to be faced, and the trauma settled more into our bones. It felt like we grew up in an instant at the end, but being here now, I felt like a child again, scared, and unsure. Sitting here, in this seemingly impossible situation, an end was finally in sight, but at what cost?
"We should go inside." Her voice drifted away with the wind, if I hadn't been right against her I would have missed it. I wordlessly moved to stand, and she turned, reaching out her hands for me to help her up. I pulled and leaned down to kiss her, imagining for a moment we were just any other couple enjoying the beach, trying to steal the last few minutes before we were faced with our harsh reality once more. As we broke apart I pulled her tightly against me, resting my head against hers, and that's when I saw we had an audience.
"Looks like the paparazzi finally found us," I said, pulling back as she turned to see the lone photographer looking through his camera in our direction.
"Wait here," she said, before breaking away and briskly walking toward him. He saw her approaching and turned to leave, but she shouted for him to wait. He probably wasn't used to that being an option, because he turned back and gave her a curious look as she met up to him. I couldn't hear what they were discussing, there was a lot of head-nodding, he looked surprised, maybe a bit excited as he handed her something and she left to return to me.
She wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me towards Mimi's apartment. "What was that about?" I looked down, noticing that he was still taking photos of us.
"Making deals, I think I know what I have to do." She didn't continue. I saw the business card dance around her fingers.
"And?" I gently prodded.
"Let me get everything set first," She stopped before we reached the door. "You might not like it." She got quiet, looking down at her feet trying to avoid my gaze.
"Are you running away?" I asked bluntly. She jolted a bit and looked up, shaking her head, no. "Then I trust you." I laced my fingers through her own pulling her towards the door, she squeezed my hand and followed me inside.
April was already there when we got back. Kari left me and pulled her into Izzy's office, alone. Mimi, and Sora, were sitting at the counter having coffee, while it looked like the guys had already left for the hospital. I passed the girls by with a wave and quickly headed upstairs before anyone could say anything. I headed into our room, closed the door, and collapsed onto the bed. We'd gotten so little sleep last night. I smiled for a moment, reminded of the tangled mess we'd become just hours earlier. I fell asleep with the scent of her surrounding me, an attempt at some sort of peace, at least for a little while.
I woke up to the sound of Davis's voice echoing through the apartment, he never did learn volume control. I rubbed my eyes, trying to adjust to the light of the midday sun that was coming through the windows. I rummaged around the room for something clean to change into and headed downstairs. John, and Davis, were involved in an animated conversation about soccer on the couch, while the girls were situated around the counter. Sora handed me a cup of coffee and moved over to let me join their circle. She leaned into me, and rested her head on my shoulder for a moment, her small way of checking in.
"You finally get a little sleep?" She asked.
"Yea, still tired, but my eyes don't feel like they have weights attached anymore, so that's a positive." I looked around the room, taking everyone in, but I noticed some people missing. "Where's my brother, Tai, and Izzy?"
"Izzy had a meeting, and I'm pretty sure Matt will be knocked out until tonight. Tai is in Izzy's office with Kari and April." Mimi said, walking over with a fresh cup of coffee for herself.
I looked at the clock, seeing I'd been asleep for about three hours. "She's still in there?"
"Yea, it's been a bit chaotic, April comes in and out while talking on her phone at the speed of light. Whatever is happening they are making moves, and quickly."
The door clicked open and Tai came walking out, his shoulders were slumped, and his jaw was clenched, maybe things weren't going well. Everyone fell silent, looking to him for some sort of information about what had been transpiring on the other side of the door.
His eyes settled on me, "You should probably head in there. I think after she talks to you she'll loop everyone else in." His voice was low, he placed a hand on my shoulder for support, but I wasn't sure if it was for him or me.
I finished my coffee, quickly, and headed towards Izzy's office. I was almost taken out by April as she barged out of the room, talking quickly on her cell, she turned and mouthed, "Sorry," before hurrying out of Mimi's apartment.
Kari was curled up on the couch in Izzy's office, her head rested in one hand, and her eyes were closed. She'd had almost no sleep in the last twenty-four hours, and it had to be wearing on her.
"Hey," I tried to keep my voice soft so I didn't startle her. She opened her eyes and sent me a sad smile, her eyes were clouded over, and I felt my stomach drop a bit. The talk with Tai and her parents must not have gone great.
"So, you gonna let me in on what's happening?" I sat down next to her and pulled her legs across my lap.
She leaned back into the couch, sighing, "Yea, I just needed to talk to my family first. It's-" She bit her bottom lip looking nervous. "It's pretty dramatic."
She waited for me to ask more questions but I just nodded for her to continue.
"I'm releasing one of the videos to the press."
I didn't know what to say. I was not expecting that to be the solution here, hadn't she been exposed enough? "Why," was all I could articulate back to her, a look of shock crossing my face said the rest.
"We wanted other women to come forward, and how could I ask them to expose themselves if I wasn't willing to do the same thing. We got all but one, once we sent them everything we had. April has been on the phone all morning connecting with them, or their agents, and coming up with a plan. Part of me feels so awful, knowing that they went through what I did, but for the first time I don't feel so stupid and alone, because it wasn't just me, at least he didn't just manipulate me." She massaged her forehead with her fingers, pushing away the stress, and the tears, I could tell wanted to fall.
"You were never stupid, or alone," I said, taking one of her hands in my own. "But I understand how connecting with these girls is helping you feel supported in a different way. What I'm confused about though, is involving the press?"
"Oh," she paused, carefully searching for her words. "Well, we know he has some of the police on his side, so we need to make sure the evidence can't disappear. We will release one of mine, one from another woman, and several photos from the others. We keep the rest for the police, this way there is still evidence that hasn't been released, and the police can't ignore it because the press will destroy him."
"That's actually kind of brilliant. You give him no way to get out of it."
"Precisely."
"Are you going to be okay letting all of that out there though?"
The concerned look that Tai walked out with was suddenly on her own face, "That's why I needed to talk to my family first. I had to make them understand how bad things were for me to get to this point. I know it's going to have an effect on them, and I couldn't let them be blindsided by it in the press."
"No wonder Tai walked out looking the way he did."
She looked down into her lap, her lashes hiding her eyes, hiding the pain there. "He made me show him the video."
"What?" I sat up a little straighter, surprised that he'd ask to see it.
"My parents have the file as well, they wanted time to process it, before it was out there for the world to see. I feel like I'm hurting them by doing this, and I wish I could shield them from it, but at this point, I'm not willing to let Michael try anything else. He can't keep hurting people."
"How are you holding up with all of this? It's so fast?" I gently caressed her legs as they laid over my lap, trying to send her whatever bit of comfort I could.
"April found me a therapist in the city. I know I need to face all of this differently than I have been. I feel like right now I'm just putting it away in a drawer, the girl on that video can't be me right now, she has to be from a different life if I'm going to get through the next few weeks."
"So what's the plan?"
"I need to ask you something?" She avoided my question, but I nodded to let her continue.
"After everything I've been through over the past few years, I'm damaged." I started to protest but she put her hand up. "It's okay, I'm not putting myself down. I have a clear head at the moment and I'm being very serious. I'm still in fucking pieces, and I'm going to have to rebuild my life from nothing. The entire world is going to know where I've been, and what I've gone through. If you want to be part of my life you just need to know what you're staying for, it's going to be messy, and hard. I can't promise I won't be a nightmare sometimes." She took a shaky breath as tears welled in her eyes. "You're going to end up seeing it, even if I keep you away now, somewhere, someday it's going to happen. You need to decide if you want to be part of a life attached to this kind of nightmare. If you can." Tears rolled down her cheeks, I moved my hand to wipe them away and then I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her over so she could lay against me.
It was so painful to keep watching her cry, growing up it was so rare, and she hated to show her own pain. I always envied her strength, always feeling like I was the one to break so easily, but maybe she'd held it all together too long, maybe it was good that she was finally letting herself be vulnerable with everyone.
"I'm not leaving you," I said quietly, kissing the top of her head. "I can't fix this. I know that, but I can be here for all your days. I can be here for all your breakdowns, and for all the times you laugh in between. I love you Kari, every bit of you, even the parts you can't bear to look at. It's all you, even if it's not great all the time. You don't need to be anyone else for me, and you never need to hide, we already made it this far, and as far as I'm concerned, we can make it through anything."
We stayed like that for a while, she told me about the other girls, their conversations, and the plan as it stood right now. April had rallied, with the help of some coworkers, and a few lawyers she knew. Everything seemed to be falling into place.
We headed out so she could finally explain everything to everyone else, but when we entered the living room, our brothers were both noticeably missing. Mimi pointed us outside to the beach. Apparently, Matt had woken up a little while ago, and Tai had already been outside. We thought about leaving them, but Kari wanted to have everyone's input going forward, especially from our brothers.
A few hours earlier, when the sun was still high, we had been in the same spot. Now, as it set, we met our brothers at the edge of the sand. There was just enough space between them for us to fit.
"Remember when we thought we'd faced everything, and that nothing would ever be as hard as it got back then?" Tai leaned back onto his palms and looked up at the sky.
"You mean like the time we thought you were dead, and I almost destroyed the world, because I have the emotional stability of a toothpick."
Our eyes all went wide, none of us ever blamed her for what happened back then, hell, I lied to everyone for my own selfish reasons. It was like she'd numbed herself back then, unable to process anything until she finally snapped out of it. I prefer the tears, I'd rather have her feeling something than shutting down.
She smirked, "Too soon?" Kari leaned into her brother not waiting for us to chime in, "Maybe one day this will feel the same." She moved forward and looked towards Matt. "I'm sorry the tour got so messed up. I know how hard you worked for all of this, it's not fair that it got destroyed."
"You, out of everyone, were entitled to make questionable decisions for once," Matt said.
"What's that suppose to mean?" Tai spoke up defensively, always the protector.
Matt ignored him and looked at Kari. "When I found you at school I never intended to berate you. I was more curious. Curious at why the best of us had suddenly done something so drastic, something so out of character."
"The best of us," she repeated my brother sarcastically, her voice full of question, and guilt. "World destroyer over here..."
"Come on Kari, we all made mistakes back then." He dug his feet into the sand and looked out into the ocean. "Light, true white light, is the combination of all the colors on the spectrum, right? You were always just like that, reliable to a fault, sincere with a kindness attached to it none of us had, smart and resourceful, a trustworthy friend, fiercely loving and loyal, and courageous without being unwise or stubborn. Sometimes light falters, so you had hope to keep you up if you were down." He paused, nudging me.
"I always thought it was us protecting you two, but it was really the other way around, without the two of you the rest of us wouldn't have made it. So of course you were the best of us, but maybe we put you up too high up on a pedestal. It wasn't fair to expect so much from you. So when I found you there at school, and you told me everything, and I watched you crumble in front of me I was just devastated for you both. I tried to imagine telling TK, and I just couldn't, it wasn't my story to tell. Sometimes, I wish I had told someone, maybe we could have convinced you to go back home, or at least let some of us back into your life. Maybe we could have protected you from Michael and from all of this. I leave things alone too much because it's how I always operated, but we know how that tended to turn out and you'd think I'd have learned."
His eyes were downcast, full of guilt, and regret that I didn't realize he was hanging onto.
"You never left me alone," Tai grumbled.
"You couldn't be left to your own devices." Matt shot back.
Kari ignored the two, "Matt, you never had a responsibility to protect me," She turned back to Tai, and I. "None of you did. Maybe I needed to go through all of that to end up here now, if Michael wouldn't have happened I may have never reached out to you, I may have never talked to any of you again, and just disappeared into oblivion. I'm not happy any of this happened, but if it means I get to end up back here with all of you, then I can live with that and I can find a way to rebuild my life knowing that I'm not alone, and knowing that I have a second chance. I just wish I hadn't fucked up the tour so bad in the process."
Matt waved her off, "There will be others. Controversy is good for music right?" He shook his head at his own, twisted, rational. "Tai told me a little about this plan you have, it's intense Kar. You up for everything that comes next?"
"I need to take my life back, and from now on if anything comes out it's because I made the choice."
He stood up and held out his hand to help her up, "Let's send this piece of shit where he belongs."
We stood up staring out at the ocean, dark now that the sun had set, waves crashing dangerously, a ways out, as the wind started to pick up.
Tai placed his hand on my shoulder. "No matter what happens we stick together as a family, it doesn't matter what you two decide down the line, but this right here, we don't fall apart again." He looked seriously between the two of us. I thought on his words, 'what you two decide down the line,' I knew what he implied, and it hung heavy between us for a moment.
"Let's get back in there," Matt said, shoving his hands into his pockets, he looked up at the sky one more time before shooting me a look. His face, one I normally read so well, seemed foreign to me. Everyone was feeling unsure about what was going to happen, happy Kari had finally asked for help, but worried about what could happen in the process. Now that we were dealing with someone we knew was a murderer everyone's emotions felt elevated.
We headed back in, and went over everything with the group, figuring out all the little pieces and how they needed to fall into place. We would be heading back to New York in a few days. The guys had to finish wrapping up loose ends of the tour and figure out what was happening with Trevor. Everyone headed to bed pretty early that night, wiped from the chaos of the day.
We didn't talk much once we laid down. I held her in my arms, running my fingers through her hair, feeling the knots in my chest start to unravel from the day. I tried to imagine life after all of this and what normal might look like. Would it be this? The semblance of comfort with the underlying stress, or could we find some normalcy? I had to believe we could. I had to believe we would get through this, and the next thing, and the next.